From Dom to sub (Author's Journal)

When I started developing Wrong Side of the Bed on March 6th, 2022, it was just after my "switch" awakening after a lifetime of being a dom/top. My coming out as a transgender woman and lesbian was less than a year earlier (May 2021), and it was practically my three-month anniversary of medically transitioning that I put down my SFW (still for adults) post-apocalyptic sci-fi and picked up an NSFW BDSM fantasy I came up with in my short story days. When I wrote erotica years ago (roughly 2014-2017), the short stories were always from a submissive, and often a masochist, female perspective. I still didn't make the connection to my own needs, even when one of two of my recurring characters was a feminized version of myself, but for a variety of reasons I put down the hobby for a long time.

Long but important sidenote for those medically transitioning to your preferred gender: make sure your prescriptions don't interfere with your new ones, especially if you have multiple doctors. I stayed on a medication (lamotrigine) for about seven months after I started taking estrogen until my endo mentioned a side-effect is an increase in how quickly your body removes estrogen. I got tapered off it by my prescribing psych days later and soon started getting the full effects of estrogen, not just the effects of the progesterone I asked to get put on (early) because I wasn't getting much benefit three months in. Not a fun fact: I can say I know what menopause feels like. The dose of my antiandrogen (testosterone-blocker, spironolactone) was so high compared to how little estrogen I was receiving that I had menopausal levels of both hormones for nearly six months but no one made the connection. I'm on a much lower dose of T-blocker and estrogen now but that was after my endo realized. I also started injections during that time, which did help a little and still makes for a much more consistent "mood" these days. But it was AGONY switching back to the irregularity of pills when there was a shortage of delestrogen for injections, and I still get extra moody the days leading up to my injection (my endo said it's basically PMS, like the hormone fluctuations from a period); not to mention I'm still not used to stabbing myself.

At the start of my transition, I was still in denial about my submissive nature and identified as a dominant-leaning switch. I had identified as a complete dominant/top my whole sexual life and even had multiple non-sexual bondage experiences long before that (even a few as a "rope bunny"), but it was only after I broke down my gender roles that I accepted I COULD be submissive or even a bottom. While I got into planning my series and writing/rewriting/rerewriting my first novella, it became increasingly apparent my limited experience as a submissive (not just my limited creative writing experience) was hindering my ability to write Elva as well I want, and still is a hangup I experience today.

Then, something happened in January (2023): I experienced top drop before a scene even started. Dom/top drop was something I experienced a good amount of the time after I started socially transitioning (and increasingly often in the time leading up to that), but this was something different, and it shattered the persona of a domme/"budding dominatrix" I was trying to rebuild from my more masculine persona. After a deal of introspection, I realized I wasn't a dominant at all and not even a switch: I was a bottom and most likely a submissive (like I portray my main character), not to mention quite possibly a masochist with only abusive experiences to go off of. Like the idea of my assigned gender, I had fallen into a role I was expected to fill (or felt I needed to fill) and didn't question it until playing the part broke me.

Only a month later, the day before my 31st birthday, I had my first proper experience as a bottom (not to mention submissive and masochist, as I'd only had negative/abusive encounters with both before). My dominatrix opened my eyes to how much I had projected my needs onto Elva. At the same time, my reactions verified how well my ability to visualize aided me in writing as accurately a portrayal as I did until then (and didn't do half badly in subconsciously reflecting my actual submission style through Elva).

My writing already started improving after that session, but then I had my first serious experience as a masochist (not to mention an exhibitionist). My dominatrix was careful not to push my pain limits too soon, but an impact play tasting I had with a dominant at a Kink event a few days later pushed me near what I thought was my limit. I learned I could take a great deal of pain in the right setting with an appropriate warmup, and it was practically euphoric when the crowd cheered for me after my blindfold was removed (not to mention the remark someone made to my spouse (they/them): "She is REALLY reacting!").

At that point, I had all but accepted I'd never dominate again, and the thought of inflicting pain on someone made my heart sink from not just compassion or regret but envy. My only outlet for a while became my writing, but it was soon apparent my limited experience wasn't enough; not just for my novels and the kinks I planned to write about, but for myself and my own needs.

With the help of my therapist, I branched out and went back to a local BDSM dungeon after a five-year absence. The first time I visited was when I still identified as a dominant and came intending to top my spouse; I experienced top drop before we could have a scene (like the last time I tried to top someone) and I couldn't figure out why until years later: I was jealous watching others get topped. This is still something that I deal with (knowing now I want to be dominated/topped) when I visit dungeons/events, and my limited social skills having been raised as the wrong gender, among many other reasons, make it very difficult to approach others in any setting, vulnerable settings like these included.

My ability to visualize has aided me so far in writing Wrong Side of the Bed, but I've reached yet another impasse that's hindering my ability to write Elva as well as I want. Like my previous inexperience as a bottom, submissive, or masochist, my inexperience as a pet is hindering my ability to write the latest arc of my novel as effectively as I'd like (for those unfamiliar with the story, Elva's nickname/playname has been "kitten" since she first met her Mistress; for those familiar, you should have seen this coming by now).

As always since my coming out, I'm trying to safely explore every side of myself, which includes my submissive side. As always throughout my life, my shy and awkward nature makes it really difficult to approach people and, as such, explore parts of myself that require others. So, while I navigate this (and everything else going on), Wrong Side of the Bed will have somewhat inconsistent updates as I try to build my experiences and strengthen my writing/visualization skills so I can continue creating realistic and engaging work.