Full Circle

I nodded and she lowered herself onto my face and lips. Lips touching lips, my tongue inside of her. This was my favourite way to please Hayley and she loved it. I was good at this, having had plenty of practice over the years, so it didn't take me long to satisfy her. She collapsed beside me and held me tight with her eyes closed. "Dear Lord, that is so good. It's never been anything less than great over the years. We've been lucky you and I. I've never changed how I feel about you for one moment, never had a doubt, I love you more than anything in the world."

"Anything or anyone?" I asked, laughing.

"Okay, I love Chloe as much as I love you, maybe more, please don't make me decide. My one wish was that I was her biological mum."

"You are, it was your egg that I carried. She couldn't be any more yours, you bloody fool!"

"I know that, but somehow it always seems like, because you actually carried her and gave birth to her, she's yours."

"And since the day she was born you've given her more love and attention than most kids ever get. She idolises you."

"She's a great kid and you did a great job with her as well."

"I suspect that we need to be grateful to my Mum and Karen and Olivia, she spent plenty of time with them."

"That's true, but it meant that we got time with Connie and Lottie as well."

Hayley and I had had a serious conversation about kids and after a great deal of thought, we'd decided that I'd take a year out of cricket to have a baby. I carried one of Hayley's eggs. I'd missed cricket and keeping fit. I'd hated being so damn huge, in fact when Chloe was born, she was only just seven pounds and I was convinced that she'd be at least fourteen. It had only taken me a few seconds to get over the pain and discomfort of labour before I fell in love with her. I think Hayley was relieved that the wait was over because, during pregnancy, I'd been rather demanding regarding sex and it was one of the only times she ever complained about too much.

Although we'd never discussed our plans with anyone except my Mum, Karen announced that she was expecting at just about the time of my first attempt. It meant that Constance was born five months before Chloe. Karen and Olivia had also planned for Olivia to try for a child as soon after Constance as possible and they managed it, it meant that the three girls were separated by only eleven months. Karen had decided to stay at home until her two went to school and they helped us out with Chloe when we were away playing cricket. It worked out well, we paid Karen a generous salary, Chloe got good parenting in our absence and the three girls grew up very close.

Being professional cricketers meant that there were times between games, sometimes several weeks and in those weeks, we often took care of all the girls. During those times we played games with them and travelled, mainly all over the UK, but with the occasional foray into France and Spain. They were a bit young to appreciate it at first, but over the years it helped them experience things lots of others hadn't and it gave Olivia and Karen some time alone. I'd been close to both of them most of my life and that didn't change as we got older, actually Hayley was adopted by the two of them and the four of us were pretty tight, maybe not quite as close as our girls were.

*****

We watched the chat show when it was broadcast the following evening with Karen, Olivia and the three girls. They'd been excited to get the gifts from Faith Shadow and I got hugs from Constance and Charlotte. When I looked at Chloe she was pouting, "What's wrong with you Chloe?"

She was still pouting as she answered, "I should have been on the show, you spoke about my part in your programme and I'd have got to meet Faith in person. I feel as if I've been exploited, yet again." She lasted a full thirty seconds before she burst out laughing. "I'd have been terrified, so maybe it's good that I wasn't there." Constance threw a cushion at her and suddenly three almost sixteen years olds started behaving like ten-year-olds. It was great to watch and we adults just laughed.

There were a few questions about Holly Angeles and Hayley told them about her and the fact that she hadn't spoken to us, except when we were in front of the cameras.

Karen looked over at me and asked, "Is there likely to be another series, a wildlife series?"

"It's been mentioned as a possibility, but nothing more than that. If it did happen and Chloe was a part of it, I'd thought about taking your two along, not to be in front of the cameras obviously, but it would be a chance for them to see something special."

Connie muttered quietly, "I'd really like that." Charlotte echoed her thoughts.

"It's too early to make any plans. There are lots of issues, including when and where we'd go, it might not be Kruger Park." I directed a question to Olivia and Karen. "Would you two fancy a safari?"

"Not while you were filming, but it's something I'd like to do."

"One of the places that we stayed at was lovely and the owners invited me to go back as a guest. It was great publicity for them and I'm sure that they'd milk my being there again. It would be nice for all of us to go, just for a holiday."

We chatted about it for another twenty minutes and agreed that it was something that we'd seriously consider.

Tragedy

I'd collected the girls after school and brought them back home with me because the trial Olivia was prosecuting had run on longer than she'd expected. I had two lasagnas ready and put one in the oven for the girls, who were supposed to be doing homework, but were more likely gossiping. I'd eat later when Karen and Hayley got back. Karen had wanted to check out some costumes for her school play and Hayley was collecting some bats from the manufacturer for one of her players. As both destinations were close, they'd decided to go together.

The girls were eating when Olivia arrived and I handed her a glass of wine. "Jeez, I need this. We'd thought the jury would take longer to decide and come back tomorrow, but they told the judge that they were close and wanted to get it done today. He agreed and then they took another hour."

"Did you win though?"

"It was an attempted murder and they found the man guilty. It was touch and go, but what the jury didn't know is that he's done time for the same thing ten years ago. Have you heard from Karen?"

"No, nothing, they should be here soon. When they tell us they're on their way I'll shove our dinner in."

She leaned over and stole a fork full of food from Constance who told her to 'go away,' but less politely. The two of us chatted, then Olivia checked the time and tried calling Karen. "There's no answer, that's not like her. I'll try Hayley."

It wasn't like Karen to ignore her phone when she wasn't teaching and when Olivia said that Hayley wasn't answering I started to worry, she was never far from her phone. "I hope nothing's wrong." As the next ten minutes passed and there was still no answer from either of them my concern mounted and I could see worry etched onto Olivia's face.

The doorbell sounding made me leap and I raced to see who was there. Two uniformed police officers meant bad news. "I'm looking for Sarah Hardy the owner of a ..." The officer described my car, which Hayley was using and I knew that it had to be an accident.

"That's my car. It's being used by my wife, Hayley Sharp and our friend Karen Churchill. Her wife is here. You'd better come in; I'm guessing this is bad news. Are they okay?"

The officer ignored my question. As we reached the kitchen, the girls realised something was wrong and Olivia screeched, "Oh God, no."

The officer recognised Olivia, presumably from some past court case. "Hello, Mrs Churchill. Ladies, that vehicle has been involved in a serious road accident and there were two occupants who I believe to be Hayley Sharp and Karen Churchill."

"Are they okay?" I whispered, but I knew the answer.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you that both occupants were pronounced dead at the scene. I'm very sorry."

I broke first and fell to the floor, Olivia followed me down and held me. The girls were screaming and came over to us. Chloe and Charlotte were hysterical, but Constance, always the most grounded of the three stood up again, "I'm struggling to believe this, are you sure it's them."

The police officers answered her questions politely and patiently, explaining why, they were sure. A large lorry had hit the back of their vehicle, which had been stationery, and they had been pushed partly underneath another lorry in front of them.

Neither Olivia nor I could bear the idea of phoning their parents and the police officers offered to make the notifications for us. That still left two difficult calls for us to make, to my Mum and Olivia's father. I don't remember much of the next hour, other than the five of us huddled together crying.

Losing Hayley was as bad as I thought it could ever be, the woman who I adored and admired had been stolen. But my lifelong friend had also been taken at the same time. It occurred to me during that hour that Olivia and I were going to need each other and that I'd need to try and pull myself together for all of us.

My Mum, Meredith, arrived quickly, although how she'd managed to see through the tears that were flowing from her was a miracle. She grabbed me and wouldn't let me go for ages, then she went over to Olivia and held her. That was how things were when Roger and Samantha arrived. Roger had married Samantha the year after Karen and Olivia had married, she was a surgeon and not unfamiliar with tragedy so she provided a steadying presence. Roger grabbed his granddaughters and held onto them as he spoke to comfort Olivia.

Karen's parents, John and Marion, arrived about two minutes before Josh and Pauline, Hayley's parents. For some reason, I have no memory of the next hour either, except Samantha continually making tea. Yet again I'd zoned out.

I was coming out of the toilet when Olivia met me, "Sarah, we need to get them all to go home. It's not helping us or the girls. Can we stay here tonight?"

"I agree, I'll speak to them. You and the girls can stay here for as long as you'd like. I'd like that."

They were reluctant to leave and go home when I suggested it, but Samantha stepped in, "I know that you're all grieving and this is horrible, no parent should have to suffer this. But Sarah, Olivia and the girls are the ones who are going to find this hardest of all and we need to give them some space. I'm certain that they'll need your support and that they will support you as well, but they need time to themselves."

There were many more tears as the parents took their leave and I had no doubt that they were also going to have a troubled night, but eventually, the five of us were alone. Chloe offered to make yet more tea and when she seemed to be gone too long, I found her bent over the countertop with arms flat and head pressed against them sobbing louder than I'd ever heard her before. She saw me and grabbed at me, snuffling and sobbing as she asked, "Mum, what are we going to do without Hayley? I loved her so much, we both did. What are we going to do?"

I took a deep breath as I answered, "I loved her more than anything in the world, except you and I'm still struggling to believe that this is true. But, and this is difficult, she'd want us to move forward, we have lives to live. They will be different lives without her for sure, but somehow, we'll cope. Connie, Lottie and Olivia are in the same place, we can all support each other." My tears were also flowing freely.

"I know, I've lost Aunt Karen as well, it's not fair, is it?"

Olivia must have overheard some of that and she held onto Chloe, "Somehow we'll survive love."

It wasn't long before the girls headed for bed and I heard the three of them crying together. At least they had each other and weren't alone. I found something for Olivia to wear and when she came out of the bathroom, she climbed into bed with me, "Been a while since the two of us shared a bed."

"And I wish we never had to do it, but in the same way the girls are helping each other, we're going to do the same." The two of us cried for a while, but somehow it was comforting to know that we were there for each other.

The next few days

I'd never been in a Mortuary before. It was at the back of the hospital, in a concrete cube, gloomy and forbidding. Even the sign over the door looked miserable. I took one of Pauline's hands and Josh took the other. Olivia, Marion and John had arrived a minute or so before us. A man in a white coat invited them forward into a room. As they were almost inside, I followed and when they looked around, I asked, "Do you mind?"

The room looked vaguely like a chapel, blonde wood, a fake stained-glass window and there on a trolley was a body covered with a sheet. The man folded the sheet back to reveal what had once been my friend, Karen. There were some scrape marks on one side of her face and she was devoid of make-up, her hair had been washed or at least rinsed and what had once been a face full of life and fun was empty. I stared as Marion and John clung to each other in tears. Olivia stepped forward and stroked Karen's hair. I heard her say quietly, "Goodbye my love, I'll miss you, but thank you for the times we've had." She started to cry silent tears.

I stepped forward and took Olivia's hand as I looked down. I mumbled, "Goodbye old friend, thanks for the good times. I'll miss you too."

We stepped back outside where Josh and Pauline embraced John and Marion. It seemed like only thirty seconds had passed before the man caught our attention. Hayley also had scrapes on her face and right shoulder. Her hair had also been washed and her face was pale like Karen's. It was hard to believe that she had been the person I'd shared my life with for so long. Pauline stroked Hayley's head as she cried, Josh tried to be brave but failed. I stepped forward and leaned down to kiss those lips one last time, "I loved you with all my heart and always will. Thanks for everything."

Olivia, who was still holding my hand, placed her other one on Hayley's cheek and whispered, "Good bye Hayley, it was nice to have shared good times with you."

There were lots more tears before we made it back to the cars and drove in silence back to our home. Actually, it was now my home, Hayley would never cross its threshold again. Olivia's Dad, my Mum and the girls were waiting for us and I think that the girls somehow hoped that we'd be able to tell them it was all a big mistake. Sadly, that was not to be and there were yet more tears. Olivia and I explained what had happened and the girls agreed that maybe it would be better to remember Hayley and Karen as they had been and not as they were now.

Mum had made tea and sandwiches, but I don't think anyone was very hungry. Josh raised the subject of a funeral and we chatted about it. Nothing was decided there and then, but we agreed that it might be best to have one following the other.

The phone kept ringing and I ignored most of the calls, including one from Alison Walker, the BBC cricket correspondent. She'd covered all forms of cricket for many years and I don't remember playing many games that she hadn't attended. Hayley had worked with her on commentary more recently and we both knew her well. I didn't want to speak to anyone, but a text message arrived just after her call. She was pleading to speak to me so I rang her back. She gave her condolences and apologised for intruding, "Sarah, the BBC is going to report on this tragedy and they've asked me to write a piece for the website and do reports on radio and TV. I really want to get your approval, I don't need it, but I think I owe you both that. Can I email you what I have?"

Ten minutes later I called her back. "Allison, it's great, kind and respectful. Thank you, just one thing. You mentioned my friend Karen, who died with her. Karen was a teacher, a great teacher, and she taught at your old school too. Could you please just include a few words about her?"

A couple of hours later, Olivia took a phone call from Karen's mum, she came to tell me about it. "There was a report on the radio news about Hayley and the reporter said some nice things about Karen. Was that you?"

"Yeah, Hayley might be the news story because of who she was, but I reminded Alison that she wasn't alone, she was with a friend when she died, someone who touched the lives of her pupils. I asked her to remember that."

"Marion said it made her cry again."

Half an hour later I heard the doorbell ring and found two school pupils, a boy and a girl in uniform, standing there holding some flowers. An older woman was standing a distance further back and I was sure I recognised her as one of Karen's colleagues. "Is Mrs Churchill here, please?" The girl asked.

I called Olivia and stood back a little. "Mrs Churchill, we're the head pupils from your wife's school. We're sorry for your loss. The pupils and staff have asked us to come in person to express our sadness at your loss. She was a wonderful teacher and she'll be missed by us."

Oliva muttered her thanks before stepping forward to hug the two of them and then she went over to the deputy head and spoke with her for a few minutes. It was a nice gesture and I know that Karen would have been proud. She loved teaching and felt that it was a privilege to be able to influence young people. What she had done all of her working life was what I considered to be real work and not playing games for a living as I had.

*****

I got another call that I could no longer ignore, from the Director of English Cricket. "Sarah, I want to say how sorry we all are for your loss. Hayley was a great servant to cricket and in particular to English women's cricket."

We spoke for a moment or two about Hayley and how I was coping. "Sarah, we've received hundreds of messages of sympathy from fans and players, men and women from all over the world. That includes all of the test nations and umpires, it's been incredible and I'd like to pass them on to you in an email. We'd also like to put out a statement on your behalf thanking everyone. Would that be, okay?"

When we finished the call a few minutes later I asked Chloe to join me and we went to the study. We read through the messages and both wept as we did so. We then made a few changes to the statement to be issued on our behalf. "Mum was really popular and famous, wasn't she?"

"Yes, love she was. She was an amazing cricketer and despite being a really tough competitor she would be the first to congratulate the opposition for good play and after a game she would always speak to the opposing team in private and sometimes have a beer with them. She was an example to all sportsmen and women. Even though I loved her, she will always be my sporting role model and hero."

*****

The next few days passed in a bit of a blur. There were conversations about funerals, insurance, death registration, police interviews and when nothing was happening, there were tears and sadness. Our families were there, supportive and well-meaning, but it was better, easier when it was just the five of us. There was still grieving, but it seemed less difficult to bear. There were long conversations about Hayley and Karen, tales from school days, holidays taken, funny events and loving moments. I regaled them with stories about Hayley when we were playing cricket overseas and some of her practical jokes. We spoke about the plays Karen had produced and recalled stories she'd told about her pupils. We laughed a lot during those days, but the grief always returned.

Olivia and I cried ourselves to sleep every night, one holding the other. I was grateful that I wasn't experiencing those moments alone.