Full Circle

Three gasps, "Aunt Sarah I'm not sure Mum would agree to spend that."

"This has nothing to do with your Mum and please, just Sarah. The five of us are in this together and I'm paying, I can afford it." I had money but had been reluctant to part with it earlier and now realised that it was no use sitting in the bank. The journey home in the car was quiet and eventually, I had to ask why.

Charlotte leaned forward from the seat behind me. "You've been very generous today and I'm feeling a bit guilty about it. Taking us into your home was pretty special too."

"We've all lost someone that we love, we're actually lucky that we have each other. It could have been much worse, although sometimes that seems hard to believe and, it's our home now."

Olivia was busy in the kitchen, preparing the ingredients for a stir-fry dinner. "Hello, I've missed you lot. I see two guitars, come and tell me all about it."

Constance had either decided to report or more likely, I suspected, been given the task. "First Mum, please don't blame us, it's all Aunt Sarah's fault."

Olivia looked puzzled and I burst out laughing. "That's what you get for trying to be nice is it?" I asked.

First, the sofa was described in detail and Chloe produced her phone. I hadn't been aware that they'd got one of the staff take their picture whilst sitting on the thing. That must have happened when I was paying for it.

"Sarah, that's enormous and looks rather expensive."

"Can't argue about the size, but when I saw them stretched out, it looked perfect. I got a deal because it's the display model, also the salesman recognised me and is a cricket fan. Now, before they blame me for anything else, Chloe and Charlotte got guitars and an amplifier thing as we discussed."

"Mum she spent more than you'd agreed. We tried hard, but ..."

I interrupted, "Guilty as charged. I spent far more than we'd agreed, but I have the money, I enjoyed spending it and treating my family."

Constance took my hand, "Your family?"

"Yes, you live with me and I love you, I always have. I will never, ever replace Karen, but no matter what, we'll always be family. What you call me doesn't matter, my name is Sarah and that's what I'd prefer, forget the aunt bit." I looked over at Olivia and mouthed "Is that okay?" She nodded so I thought I'd better get the rest out there, but Charlotte beat me to it.

"Sarah bought Connie a huge drum kit. Five drums, four cymbals and one of those double cymbal things."

"But you have drums ..."

"We traded them in. Mum, you should see them."

"You will see them; they should be here tomorrow and then our peace will be well and truly shattered as the amplifier and speaker will be here as well."

"Why did you do that? I'm not mad, but ..."

"It's me that's mad, Liv. I loved it, I felt really good doing it." I started to cry again and Olivia came to hug me.

"I'm sorry. Hayley's gone and I've lost one of my best friends, but somehow I've now got three kids and the idea of that makes me happier than I've been for months." I snuffled against her shoulder.

"It's okay love. You're right, somehow it could be much worse."

*****

The drum kit and speakers arrived first the next day and I insisted that they clear away the packaging before doing anything else. Olivia and I stood watching and listening for a couple of minutes before she turned to me and said quietly, "That racket is all your fault, let's hope they get better quickly."

Thirty minutes later the sofa arrived and we helped the guys get it installed. Olivia stood staring at it, "It's bloody huge."

"Yep, but look at them. They look happy."

"And so they should. I need to give you some money."

"No, you don't. It was my doing and it's great."

"Actually, money is something that we need to sort out. If this is going to be a long-term thing."

"I don't want it to be 'long-term'" She looked at me with an unspoken question. "Long-term implies that it will have an ending, that it's not permanent. I don't want you or the girls to leave. I realise that they will at some point, but I want this to be their home, where they know they will always have a place. Where you and I will be if they need us."

Olivia squeezed my hand but remained silent. I took it as agreement and it wasn't mentioned again for a long time.

We resolved the issue fairly easily and Olivia decided that she wanted to rent out the house she'd shared with Karen and the girls. "I'll talk to them about it this week."

*****

I had dinner almost ready when the peace I'd enjoyed all day was shattered as the four of them bounced into the house, well three of them bounced, Olivia trudged in as if she'd had a long day. I handed her wine and she muttered, "You, are a life saver." She took a long swallow and went to change.

Three hungry girls reappeared and even though they'd spent most of the day together, they never paused to allow a moment's silence. I normally valued peace and quiet but realised that I'd have paid any amount of money for their presence in my life. I recalled that Amy had once said the same thing when Mum and I had moved in with her a long time ago when I was about their age.

The process of eating was fairly peaceful, but that was only because they shovelled food down at an alarming rate before announcing that they were off to 'Hayley's Folly'. "Is that what you call it?" I asked.

"You and I both thought Mum was off her head wanting that shed, but it's a great space for us and it seems like an appropriate name. I'm sure eventually it'll get shortened to Folly. I have a picture of her and Karen that I want to put up in there, somewhere discreet." With that the dishes were cleared and so were they.

Olivia and I sat with a second glass of wine. "I spoke to the deputy head when I picked them up earlier. She asked how I was doing and of course, I asked about them. The three of them are doing great and have told their English teacher that they owed it to Karen. And it was Chloe who had spoken up for them."

"I'm pleased, it won't be long before they go to university. That's a conversation we'll need to have soon. Did you ask your two about the house?"

"They don't want me to rent it out. They don't like the idea of someone living in their house, actually in Karen's house. Connie says that we should sell it and then it's done. That's a big step."

"I'm not sure that I have an opinion, let me just say, once again, that I don't want you to leave. If you and I shared the same house for the rest of our lives it would be okay with me."

"I agree with you, but one day we might find a special someone."

"We might, but I think the loss of Hayley and Karen will always haunt the two of us."

Later that evening I thought about what I'd said. In reality, I didn't want anyone else, Olivia and I had shared enough to know that we were comfortable with each other and I was happy about it. Would I miss sex? Possibly, but it wasn't something I'd thought about since Hayley went.

Families

Keeping in touch with Karen and Hayley's families was a priority for Olivia and me, but they still struggled. Often when they visited it quickly became stilted. They loved seeing the girls of course, so we tried hard to make the best of it and ensure that they came over on a Sunday for lunch or dinner at least once a month.

Olivia's father and his wife, Samantha, visited at least once a week, sometimes for a meal, sometimes just for coffee, but occasionally they would call in advance and bring a take-away for the girls. Roger was a tower of strength; nothing was ever too much trouble and the girls adored him. Constance was, of course, Karen's daughter and Charlotte was Olivia's but it never made any difference to how he treated them and that now included Chloe.

Olivia and Samantha had become closer over the years and were now like mother and daughter. The first time they were over after the music room had been completed, Samantha spent a long-time playing guitar with the girls. They'd heard her play acoustic, but with an electric guitar, she turned into a different person. Eventually, she left her guitar behind and jammed with them during most of her visits.

Whilst they were playing one day, Olivia and I sat with Roger, watching them across the garden. "Sam loves visiting. She was so focused on her career that kids passed her by and she didn't know how to deal with them when they were younger. Now they're of an age she can relate to them better, the fact that she gets to play the guitar with them is great."

"She never tried to replace Mum, in fact, she tried hard not to do anything like that. It made it easier for me and the girls think she's great. You did okay Dad."

I smiled. I knew how much Olivia loved her dad and it reminded me that mine hadn't been in my life since I was seven. It was sad that he never saw me play cricket, as far as I knew and had never met Hayley or his granddaughter.

My Mum was a rock. She'd been around plenty when Hayley was alive but hadn't wanted to intrude too much. Chloe adored her and they loved to shop. Mum got excited about buying Chloe new outfits, actually, she got excited just buying her a new school uniform, but as Chloe got older things got even crazier.

Since Hayley's passing Mum had been around much more and I was grateful for her presence. I'd asked Olivia how she felt, but she'd known my Mum for most of her life and enjoyed her involvement. Now the shopping excursions included Constance and Charlotte, bringing Mum treble the joy.

Mum would have dinner with us at least once a week and she would drop in at some point a couple of times a week when it was just the two of us. Occasionally she'd help with housework or cooking, sometimes we'd go to the supermarket together, but mostly we sat and talked. We talked about Amy, her partner, who'd died in her sleep six years ago. She missed her a great deal, so did I, but Mum's view was that Amy had rescued her, revealed some things about herself that she'd never known and they'd had a great life during the time they had together.

I told Mum everything, I kept nothing from her and she listened non judgementally. The one thing that concerned her was my relationship with Olivia and the fact that we shared the same bed. It was always there as a question that she left hanging and rarely actually asked. One morning she danced around it again and I needed to confront it. "Mum, I've been friends with Olivia all of my life and we're both in the same situation here. I like having someone to be close to, to share my thoughts with, to comfort me when I need it. We share the bed; we don't have sex. I've told you it's something we've talked about, but neither of us wants to change things."

Coaching

It had been almost a year and the five of us had settled into a routine. There were occasional moments of sadness, sometimes outright grief, but most of the time we coped and all got along well. The girls were of an age that they were consulted on everything and acted maturely, but they still, occasionally, reminded us of the teenagers that they were. They ganged up on Olivia and me, they confided in each other and were so close that they reminded us of how we were with Karen at their age.

I'd been asked to voice a speaking book, play a role in a radio drama and had appeared on a tv panel show, but I was content taking care of my family.

Then, one afternoon I got a phone call that shook my foundations. "We need a coach for the Bandits women's team and maybe you could do a few sessions with the spin bowling coach for the men's team." It'd come out of the blue; I'd been away from cricket for a while. I told them I needed time to consider it.

I made tea. I was worried that I no longer had the skills. Did I want that challenge? How would Olivia and the girls feel about it? I had no answers. Then I knew someone who I could talk to, so I phoned Graham Dowling. If a cricket legend thought I could do it then maybe ...

We chatted for a few minutes catching up. He asked me to marry him, I refused and told him not to be stupid and that I was sure his wife would be unhappy. He laughed then asked about Chloe and Olivia's girls. He asked about Olivia and I told him about her work. "The two of you make a good team, ever thought of making an honest woman of her?"

"What? We're friends, that's all, what's wrong with you?" I almost snapped at him.

He ignored my tone and calmly replied, "Nothing. I know you've both lost your partners, but you're close and the last time I saw you I detected something between you."

"Shut up or I'll hang up," I asked for his thoughts about coaching and he gave them, no punches pulled, but if I took the job, he agreed to act as my mentor, from a distance. England's most prolific batsman, a winning captain and multiple record holder had offered to help me.

At dinner that night I raised the subject tentatively, almost scared to hear what their response would be. "You've been offered the coaches job? Why haven't you accepted?" Olivia was puzzled.

Chloe just said, "Mum you're an idiot. Stop moping around here and do the thing you were born to do." Three heads nodded in agreement.

Still, I thought that I needed advice from Mum, so I raised the subject the next day. She almost spilt her coffee, "Why haven't you said yes? You're a fool. Hayley was a great cricketer, but you were right there with her and had skills she didn't. Take the damn job."

I went to speak to the officials at the club and meet some of the players. A week later I collected my training kit and started planning. I was back.

*****

One night I was reading when Olivia climbed into bed beside me. She leaned over and kissed me before saying, "Goodnight." It wasn't unusual, we often did it, usually, it was chaste. Tonight there seemed to be something different, but by the time I decided to ask Olivia about it, she was asleep.

The same thing happened the following evening and again I bottled it, I kept quiet.

The next morning Olivia finished the last of her coffee and put her mug on the plate she'd used. "I'll get that, you get away."

She leaned over, said, "Thanks hon," and kissed me on the cheek. Again, not for the first time, but it didn't seem like it had previously. It happened most nights and mornings, I looked forward to it and on one occasion she was dashing out the door when I was folding laundry. I missed my kiss and felt cheated.

A couple of days later Mum and I were having coffee, "Are you and Olivia ...?"

"Are we what?" I almost snapped at her. I resented other people having a view on the two of us.

"Sleeping together?"

"Christ Mum, you know that we are, we're not having sex if that's what you're asking. Why are you asking?"

"Something's changed, between you two."

"I'm not aware of it."

She looked shocked. "You two are so dumb! I know what you've been through, I've been here, remember? You've almost been thrown together, but actually, you chose to be. You've been friends almost all your life. For goodness' sake get real, do something about it."

I had a lot to think about, but I couldn't get my head around it and the idea of talking to Olivia scared me to death. Then Chloe came to talk to me one evening. "Mum, you and Olivia love each other, it's plain as day. Why are you behaving like this? I know it'll be hard, but we don't mind."

"What do you mean 'we don't mind?"

"Connie, Lottie and I."

"You lot need to mind your own business."

She growled as she walked away, "It is our business."

I have no idea why what happened that night did happen, but maybe the fates had aligned. Olivia kissed me goodnight as she'd been doing for a while now and fell asleep fairly quickly. I read for another ten minutes before I put my book down and turned off the light.

Something woke me, but I had no idea what it was. I was being held by Olivia who was snuggled up tightly behind me. Then I realised that her left hand was under my T-shirt and she had my nipple between her thumb and forefinger, they were moving. The clock told me that it was just after 6 am, the alarm would get Olivia up in half an hour. I wasn't sure what to do about it, wake her? Was she asleep? Then I realised that a warm feeling was slowly rising in my body and her actions were turning me on. It had been well over a year since I'd felt this, but back then it had been something that I'd felt several times a week.

I felt Olivia move and heard her mutter something. Suddenly she yelped and snatched her hand away. I rolled over. "Oh, I'm sorry I was dreaming, thinking about Karen. I'm sorry." She was blushing.

"So am I. I haven't felt like that since ...." She didn't need me to finish that sentence.

"I'm sorry, I was feeling something too."

I leaned in and kissed her. It was brief, but her eyes bugged out. I smiled as I asked, "What? You can kiss me as you've been doing for a couple of weeks now and I can't return the favour."

"I wasn't doing it as a favour."

My reply didn't involve words. I leaned forward and kissed her properly. For a few seconds she was passive and then she joined in and it became wonderful, it felt right, I'd missed this feeling and I wanted it. As I pulled away, I looked at Olivia and realised that I wanted her, others had recognised it and now I had to accept it for what it was.

"We're going to do that one more time right now and then tonight we're going to talk about it what comes next, but I suspect we both know what that is." I didn't say anything, I just drew her into me and gloried in the feeling of passion that had heated my blood and made me dizzy with desire. Then she dressed and left for work. I bounced around the house with a big smile on my face all day. I wasn't sure what would happen later, but whatever it was, things had changed.

The girls bailed out after dinner and soon we heard the sound of guitars and drums coming from the 'Folly' on the other side of the garden.

Olivia sat on the sofa facing me, holding her wine. "Do you remember our first New Year party? Karen's mum had gone to the middle east and the two of us were living together. You were all excited about heading off to Barbados a few days later?"

"I remember it well. I was excited, eager to know how things were going to develop for me, but that evening I saw the two of you together and realised just how perfect you were as a couple. I know I'd seen a lot of you, but that night it was different, things had changed, you were so proud of each other, so much in love. I don't think that ever changed, you were perfect together. I was a bit jealous at the time because I wanted my special person. It turns out that two weeks later I'd found her. Why do you ask about that?"

"A couple of days later Karen and I were talking about the party and got onto talking about you. She asked me if I fancied you." My mouth fell open in surprise and Olivia smiled. "I admitted that I'd never thought about you like that, never thought about any woman like that. Remember, four months earlier we didn't know that we were in love or gay. We knew that you were, but had never given it a second thought. When I did think about it, after she asked me that, I realised that if things had been different, I could have fancied you. She said the same thing. Then a few weeks later you came home and had sealed the deal with Hayley. I've never thought about that again until a few weeks ago."

"And what did you think?"

"We've always been close, for the last year ..." there was hesitation, "I don't know how I'd have survived without you, I was broken and you were the same. We've comforted each other and supported each other and then I realised that I'd fallen in love with you, not as it was, I want to be with you, to be your partner ..." There was more to come and she took her time, "your lover. I haven't missed sex until recently, but that's changed, you turn me on and sleeping next to you is killing me, I'd like more. But ..."