Gain Through Pain

She would come into the room and I would spread my legs. She'd fall down between them, our breasts pressed together. My hungry mouth would find her tongue, suck on it and pulling her saliva into my throat. Her hair would fall all around me, tickling me. I'd lock my ankles behind her back, feel her hard cock pressing against me...

"Damnit," I groaned aloud. It had interrupted me again, this time my fantasy.

My damned penis.

I flopped around uncomfortably on the bed for a moment. Feeling hot and cold at the same time. Still aroused just by the idea of Freya, but unable to enjoy it. I sat for a moment, looked at the door, and sighed again. I decided to have a look at the offending organ.

I pulled my large nightshirt up over my so that it was just beneath my breasts. I was wearing a pair of black, comfortable panties and I could see the tell-tale bulge right between my legs. I sneered at it as I lifted my hips up off of the bed and flipped my thumbs into the waistband. I shimmied them down off of my hips, my penis catching in the fabric for a moment. It slapped down against my belly as I tossed the panties to the side.

I looked down at it. This...thing that had ruined my life.

On its own, it was neither particularly special or offensive. It was around three and a half inches long when hard (I told you those hormones can shrink it a little bit). I was uncircumcised, the skin was the same sort of pale olive color as the rest of my skin. I had large, heavy balls (this was probably my leave favorite thing about it...the way it dangled).

A normal penis, whatever. The only problem was that it didn't belong on my body.

"I fucking hate you," I said, looking down at my penis. It didn't seem to notice. It stayed stubbornly rigid. In fact, it was quivering slightly and there was a small bead of precum dribbling from the tip.

This stupid piece of rigid flesh was the cause of all the problems in my life. From the time I was a little girl, it had always been there, mocking me. I had grown up into the woman I had always dreamed to be, everything except this stupid thing. I loved my face, I loved my breasts, I loved my legs and my hips and my waist. I loved my feet, and my fingers. I knew how rare all of that was for any woman, let alone a trans woman. But I was, really and truly, happy with myself. I looked like I felt, like who I was. Except for this nasty fucking cock.

This gross dick that had torn Freya away from me. She said she didn't care about it one way or the other. And the terrible thing was, I knew she was telling the truth. Hell, I think she liked it. She thought it was cute. But that didn't change the way I felt. It didn't change the fact that it made me feel like not-quite a woman. Some terrible third thing. When I looked at it, it reminded me that I would die without ever becoming who I wanted to be. And now I knew I would die alone.

I kept staring at this stupid penis, thinking my spiraling thoughts. I found myself growing angrier and angrier with each passing second. "You're the fucking reason I can't go out there and apologize right now," I hissed, "If I went out there and I called Freya into bed, she might come you know that?" I felt my hands ball into fists, "And she would kiss me and hold me and she would love me again. And then you would rub against her. And she would feel it and I would feel it and I would be disgusted and my blood would run cold."

My cock looked up at me, totally indifferent to my angry words, still hard. A drip of pre-cum landed on my stomach, below my bellybutton. It felt cold against my hot skin. My knuckles were white and there were tears in my eyes. There was nothing I could do. The whole life I wanted was just outside the door and I couldn't go, because I couldn't get beyond this stupid fucking, disgusting, nasty thing. I radiated hate at my own body, like I could somehow burn my cock up just by looking at it. But still it just sat there.

"Fuck you!" I said more loudly than before. Without thinking, my right fist rose and it came down hard directly between my legs. I guess I was just trying to break the cascading tension, not just from the last ten minutes, but from the last two weeks. My entire lifetime.

"Oh God, I'm stupid!" I groaned as my fist crashed down hard against my balls. I balloon of pain expanded into my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up. My legs shook and then curled up against my body. After a moment, I found myself in the fetal position, biting my finger so I wouldn't moan. My balls ached in a deep, full-body ache that was unlike any other physical pain I'd ever felt before. It felt like the pain had rolled out over my entire body, like a wave. A reverse orgasm almost.

For a few minutes, I just writhed on the bed, trying to come to terms with the pain I had inflicted on myself. I kept biting my finger, to keep myself from screaming out. The last thing I needed was for Freya to hear me crying or yelling and come in and ask what was wrong. It was the only conscious thing I could focus on as the pain controlled my body and my mind. Eventually, I was able to breathe again, and I gasped in big lungfuls of air.

As the crisis of the pain passed, my mind slowly returned to me. My stomach was still watery and the muscles in my arms and legs still felt weak. I was able to slowly stretch myself out, my body creaky. I looked down at my penis again. My balls ached terribly, in fact it hurt to move, as they moved slightly. The skin was red, a little bit swollen. I smiled a little bit. Good. That is what they deserved. I'd never been so happy to see them attached to me.

Strangely, I noticed that my shaft was still rigid. Despite the pain and the fact that I hadn't even had the bandwidth in my brain to think about sex, my cock was still quivering hard. In fact, if anything, it looked harder. I felt like the hard flesh was trying to burst out of my soft skin. The pain was sort of throbbing through the shaft as well, but strangely...the pain wasn't bad. In fact, as I sort of thought about what I'd just done to myself and the way it made me feel...well the thoughts were confusing. Pain, of course, is bad, but I liked it. I liked it a lot.

It sort of came to me in a revelation, I guess. I had always liked to be spanked while having sex, but I figured that was sort of well within the normal stuff that women like. This was something different than that. This was like...revenge against the body that was always fight me, causing me pain. For once, I had finally turned the table on my penis. I had taken a lifetime of frustration, put it into my fist, and brought it crashing down on my treacherous body. And it felt bad and good at the same time. And for the first time in ages, I felt aroused while being consciously aware of my cock. And not just physically. I was turned on in my mind as well. I was aroused by the pain I had caused myself.

For a long time, I lay in my bed, looking at the ceiling. I felt the pain slowly subsiding. I hardly noticed. My mind was whirring. And my cock was very hard.

* * * * *

"Oh, hi," Freya said nervously, actually taking a step back as she saw me sitting at the kitchen table the next morning. We had an unspoken rule, Freya would eat first and go to work, I would wait in my room until she left and then come out. I had left my room early today, and I was sipping at a cup of tea.

"Morning," I said softly, pouring another cup of tea and sliding it across the kitchen table. Freya stared at the cup for a long moment, like she was considering turning and running out of the room instead. Her pretty eyes flickered up to me for a moment. I think the fact that I was wearing her favorite thing: a skin tight tank top, short shorts, and thigh-high socks. I'd put my long, dark hair in braided pigtails. She sighed and pulled the seat back, sat down, and took a sip of the tea.

"So...what do you want Nicole?" Freya said bluntly as she set her mug back down. No cute games or talking around the subject, Freya was not in the mood.

"You're leaving in two days," I said.

"I am aware Nicole, what specifically do you want?" she asked, looking down at her phone, checking the time. I took a half moment, it was probably all that I had. I had been up most of the night. I guess I could lie and say I was thinking all night. But honestly, it was like I had a fever. Images and ideas flickered through my brain at a dizzying rate. I lay in my bed, sweating and writhing, running my fingers through my hair, pulling it. Biting my fingers and my lips. I felt crazed. And the whole while I was desperately aroused. A sort of animal horniness I'd never felt before. My skin tingled, I could feel every nerve. My nipples ached, my breathing was shallow. And, my cock was hard all night. But for once, it felt like it was part of me. I didn't fight it, I couldn't think to fight it.

When I finally fell asleep around 4 a.m., I felt like had been through an exorcism. And the only thing conscious thought I had truly salvaged from the experience was that telling Freya to leave had been a mistake. And while it might be too late, I had to try to fix it.

"I don't want you to go," I said, "I want you to stay with me forever." I said, being as blunt as Freya was. She pursed her lips.

"Do not do this now, Nicole," she said, pushing her tea away and standing up.

"I am sorry, it was a hotheaded thing to tell you to leave. I wasn't being fair. I understood what you were trying to say and pretended I didn't," I confessed. What, exactly, would I gain by standing on my pride? Freya didn't leave the room, but she remained standing.

"I don't want you to be sorry. It wasn't a silly argument or a misunderstanding. It was a fundamental problem in our relationship. We weren't accidentally talking past each other, we know what the issue is," Freya explained.

"I know that," I conceded, "but I think I know how to fix it." Freya immediately started shaking her head.

"We have had this kind of conversation before. You admit that we haven't been intimate as much as I'd like, you promise that you will try harder, we do for a couple weeks, then we slow down, and before you know it we are right back here." Of course, this was true, I was aware. But now it was my turn to shake my head.

"No, Freya, I am not saying that I am going to like...suck it up and deal with it. I am saying I have a solution" I said forcefully. For a moment, Freya's lips pursed, like she was going to ask me 'what?' but then she instead shrugged and threw up her hands.

"I love you Nicole. I really do. I am always going to love you. But I am exhausted by trying to make this work. Physically," Her eyes softened, "I am really sad right now too, Nicole. I want to believe you, because I love you. But I can't keep doing this." She turned to walk away, to head to work and wait for the U-Haul. For the first time that morning, I felt scared. I always knew this was a possibility, that she would just leave. But in my heart, I thought she would hear me out. I only had one last card to play.

"Okay, I get it. But I do regret the way we left things on our anniversary," I said, standing up from behind the table. Even while I was speaking, I was lifting the hem of my tank top up over my head. I almost never got completely naked (and socks don't count) for sex. And usually, I would only get naked while I was under the covers and it was completely dark. But today I didn't have the luxury of being shy. I ignored my instincts, maybe they were deadened by exhaustion. Whatever it was, I didn't pause, pulling my shorts down as well, tossing them on the floor. I left the thigh-high socks. Nothing else.

My nipples were hard, mostly from the cold, my skin covered in goosebumps. My cock was soft and smaller than usual from nerves. "Let's do this one last time, to say goodbye?" I suggested coyly. Freya's eyes were all over me. Even after all these years, I knew that she was wildly attracted to me. Her mouth was slightly open and it didn't seem like she was breathing.

"I...uh, I don't think that's a good idea," Freya said, sort of flatly. Her eyes said something different.

"Of course it isn't a good idea," I said, laughing a little, "But I think we should do it anyway, don't you?" I said. As I spoke, I walked around the table, trying to be as sultry and sexy as I could be. I bit my lip when I finished talking. But I didn't wait for Freya to respond. Instead, I stood with my back to our heavy kitchen table. I hoisted myself up on it, setting my ass near the edge. I leaned back onto my elbows on the table and at the same time, I bent my knees and spread my legs as far as I could. For the first time, Freya could see that I was plugged. The plug she thought was cutest, with the fake pink crystal shaped like a heart. I was all warmed up for her. My heavy balls flopped down, covering the top of the butt plug. Shockingly, to myself, I didn't care.

"Nicole..." Freya said, shaking her head, but taking a step towards me. I leaned heavily on my left elbow and reached my right hand down between my legs. I grasped the rim of my plug between my fingers, and gently tugged on it. I felt a slight pressure and moaned as my anus stretched around the wide metal plug. After a moment, it slipped free and I sighed. My asshole closed again, and a bit of lube dribbled down to my perinium. I brought my plug up to my mouth and my tongue slithered out. I licked the tip of it, keeping my eyes on Freya. I slipped it slowly into my mouth, moaning a little as I swirled my tongue around on the hot metal. After a moment, I pulled it out, held it between my fingers as I leaned back again.

"What?" I asked. Freya's face was flushed, her whole body looked tense. She looked over her shoulder, across the open-concept apartment to the front door. She looked back at me.

"Fuck it, one me time," She said and I giggled. She frantically began to disrobe, like she was afraid that if she hesitated for even a second, she or I would think better of it. There was a blur of shirt and pants and bra and panties. And then Freya was standing naked and beautiful in front of me. Her large breasts were rising and falling on her chest. Her cock, 6 circumcised inches of it, was completely hard already. Her balls were tight up against her shaft. She had such a pretty package. My mouth watered, just looking at it.

Freya moved lightly across the room, but very fast. In a moment, her body was between my legs. I felt one of her hands on my thigh, the other on my hip. She leaned forward, her body arching over mine. Her breathing was frantic, her body was shaking. A moment before her lips reached mine, I felt her hard penis press into my scrotum. I let the butt plug drop from my fingers.

"Wait, stop," I said in my smallest, most pathetic voice. For a moment, Freya's eyes didn't register anything. My lips actually brushed against hers as I spoke.

"What?" she said, as though dazed. At that moment, the heavy, metal butt plug landed on the kitchen tile. There was a painfully loud "crack" and both Freya and I jumped a little. We froze.

"Please stop, I don't want to do this anymore," I said. Freya's eyes widened in disbelief. Her mouth disappeared into a thin line and all of the skin on her body flushed a dark red. She shook her head.

"Jesus Christ, Nicole, what sort of bullshit games are you playing with me?" She growled. It wasn't just the frustration from this moment (though that was intense). I could feel all of her frustration and confusion and anger with me. I had brought it all up to the surface right now.

Just like I had intended.

Freya began to pull back from between my legs. I felt the tip of her cock pull away from my scrotum. Her arms came off of my body. She was moving quickly in her rage. But I moved quicker. I wrapped my legs around her waist, locking my ankles and holding her in place.

"What the fuck..." Freya started, but I cut her off.

"Use it," I said, my nerves jumping through the roof. My whole body felt cold. But I didn't hesitate. This was what I wanted, I knew that.

"Use what?" Freya asked angrily.

"I know you're angry at me Freya. I know you are frustrated. Take it out on my body," I ordered. Freya stopped pushing back against my legs. Her eyebrows furrowed.

"What?" she asked. I couldn't let her anger dissipate. I needed her to act, quickly.

"My penis is the problem, Freya. We both know it. It gets in between us. It makes me ashamed of myself. It has ruined our relationship. Teach it a lesson. Hurt it like it hurts you," I suggested, the words actually arousing myself as I spoke. Them. I felt my breathing growing shallower, my nipples began to ache.

"Nicole..." Freya started.

"I want this, Freya," I said, "I know you want it too. Spank me as hard as you can. Spank my cock and balls. Make yourself feel better. Let it out!" I moaned. Christ, I almost had an orgasm right there. Freya looked down for a moment at my flaccid little cock. The fire was still in her eyes. She was still angry at me. Her eyes flickered back up to mine.

"Please," I begged, "I promise I won't ask you to stop." I said.

For a moment, I didn't think she was going to do it. There was a long, painful pause. I unloosed my ankles around Freya's waist. She took half a step back.

I didn't even see her hand move. It happened so quickly. More like a flick of the wrist than anything else. But her fingers moved incredibly quickly. They snapped hard against my balls. I let out a little yelp as the sharp pain blossomed into an ache in my stomach. I moaned louder. Freya looked down at her hand, almost like she was surprised she'd done it.

"Nicole, god what did I do? I am sorr..." she started.

"Don't. Don't lose it. Bring it to me, Freya. I want it. I swear to God if you stop now, I won't ever forgive you," I shot out, actually angry. Freya seemed taken aback by my anger, I guess I was surprised by it too. But it jolted her out of her confusion. It let her own anger and frustration charge back into control of her emotions. What right did I have to be angry with her? What the fuck was wrong with me? I could see those thoughts behind Freya's eyes. And she rode them where they would take her.

"Fuck you Nicole and all your stupid bullshit!" Freya spat. And I don't mean that as a euphemism. One the word "bullshit" came out of Freya's mouth, she gathered her saliva in her mouth and spat it hard into my face. It splashed hard into my left eye, I didn't have time to close it and it burned. I wasn't expecting that. I had been focused on my cock, wanting Freya to punish it. But the humiliating spit was like a jolt of lightning to my body. I groaned and my whole body writhed on the table. God, I felt sexy.

"Jesus Nicole, you like that? That's what gets you hard?" Freya said with disgust. I wiped the spit from my eye (and shoveled my fingers into my mouth to taste Freya's sweet, tea-tinged flavor), and looked down. She was right. My balls were aching and red (some from last night, some from now), but my shaft was starting to get chubby, "You filthy pig." Freya said.

"I am Freya, that's what I am. Treat me like the little slutty pig I am," I begged. The words felt almost as good as the pain. And I think, at that moment, Freya understood. At the very least, from that moment on, she didn't second-guess what her anger and frustration told her to do.

Freya put her hand on my shoulder and sort of shoved me back onto the table. I let out a little grunt as my elbows slipped out from under me. Roughly, Freya put her hands on my knees and spread my legs apart as wide as they would go, making the tendons feel stretched and tight.

I felt my lube dripping out of my asshole and expected her to slip her hard cock inside of me. Instead, she walked around to the side of the table, standing sort of even with my waist. She looked down at my penis intensely. Usually, I didn't like for Freya (or anyone for that matter) to touch or even acknowledge my penis. Sometimes, when I felt like I could pretend my cock wasn't there, I let Freya play with my ass. But I would usually put a stop to sex if she even accidentally bumped it. She seemed to want to test if I was really serious, and she focused on my cock. Freya's right hand reached up and wrapped around the base of my now half-hard cock. She squeezed it so tight it felt like her fist was entirely closed. The tip slipped from my foreskin and instantly grew a dark red. I squirmed on the table.