All Comments on 'Getting Even'

Doesn't want his child back?

Yes he sends Rogers and Edwards to prison. But Mary just loses her money. What about their kid? Did the adoption get reversed? Was he going to see his son ever again? Was it really NOT his son? The Judges and lawyers may not practice law in that State, but what about other States? Did they lose their money or did they just move on with a slap on the wrist? And while the Governor may have pardoned him it takes more than that to change peoples minds. His reputation in the area was ruined. He'll never get it back. Why would he stick around? Just to make his ex-wife faint? Too many holes in this sad tale of woe.

2 stars

Chas, you're putting out some pretty good stories. I enjoyed this one, although Delta Dawn is my favorite. You packed a lot of story into two pages and it works for.me. I'm sure the LW attorneys and English majors will break it down for you, but I really liked it.

Thanks for the story.

only thing missing was her going to prison too

An interesting idea for a story. Unfortunately you narrated it all, so it was as dull as dishwater.

You need to add dialogue and emotions for the reader to feel some empathy for your protagonist, otherwise it's just a boring recount of events.

Follow the bouncing ball all over the place! Must have been written by a seven year old.

No dialogue. No action. No real plot. No dice.

AMerryman 2.0

Why did she even marry this guy? He had nothing? Real estate guy knocked her up so get married. They eventually got married anyway.

why not visit the father in law in prison? that by far would have been the greatest revenge of all. especially in that expensive suit/outfit you described. He would have surely realized it was him that was behind his misfortune. The same thing for the husband that cuckolded him too.

You are not a beginner but from the looks still new. You left a lot of unanswered questions in your story.

The biggest problem I had though was inconsistencies.

My fucking attorney rolled over and played dead, and I was sentenced to 10 to 20 years in the State Correctional Facility.

Then a little later, 'Even with no evidence, and no psychological profiles, I was sentenced to 5 to 10 years in prison.'

Try reading it one or two times more to catch things like this.

An instruction manual. Just not as engaging.

Despite the negative crap it was a pretty good story needs less narration and more dialogue but still a pretty good outline. Needs a second chapter to find out what happened to Mary and her kids plus a long term epilogue. What the fishing boat?

Keep writing ignore the negative comments. Most have never written anything they just like to find fault.

It started off okay then the story started unraveling, and seemed rushed. Spend more time developing the story and the characters.

You set the 33rpm LP on a 78rpm speed for those too young to understand that, ask your parents! Or listen to Alvin and the chipmunks

spend some time fleshing it out, then resubmit it.

... a really weak end.

I know it's already a short story, but how does the house you grew up in, etc., matter to the story?

Sorry, and I'll rely on the women here to correct me, but I don't think that a businesswoman would be wearing a short skirt AND thigh-high stockings.

She was obviously already knocked up when she seduced him.

Yes, too much narration.

A judge alone may rule on the divorce, but to be convicted of a crime you'd need to convince a jury and need evidence.

"He was implicated in the robbery by his two uncles, who used the young man as a decoy." - I don't think that cops care about a decoy fingered by the robbers, it would be the other way around, the decoy flipping on the actual robbers.

Of course he knows a cyber expert, a financial wizard friend and has a big muscular friend; let's get all the cliches in there!

Except to set everything up, why? Robert Edwards knocked her up, why not just divorce his wife with the phony pre-nup and marry Mary? Why the need to have her marry George in the first place? Even assuming they wanted the baby to be legitimate and needed to buy time, why the need to railroad him into prison? With Robert's and her family's money it wasn't like they needed his share of the money. She'd probably get custody anyway, and they could reveal the real parentage to get him to sign off on the adoption.

Many of these stories always have the same types of people.....usually very rich with powerful or knowlegable friends. Never just normal everyday people.

The owner of the real estate agency is in cahoots with her father. So why didn't he just divorce his wife and marry her. The daughter of his criminal partner ❓They had the money and connections to get the divorce he wanted anyway.

Oh, sorry.... Then there would be no story.... My bad.

I'm bored and

AMerryman

Would have enjoyed it more seeing the people who set him up suffered more.

we didnt feel the horror as the assholes lives collapsed around them, as others have said like watching paint dry

try to flesh this out and it will be a great story

Okay, good effort and interesting idea. There are some problems. First, you exposition everything which is a killer. Show us, don't tell us. There are several great book on dialogue which I could recommend (Orson Scott Card's series for writers is great). Also, you are writing fantasy but it should be believable and the story is just not realistic, that is now how power works and if the Feds actually treated their informants the way you describe, they would never get another informant. Believe me, everyone knows that being killed is batter than even 10 years in Super Max, almost no one comes out of those without serious permanent mental issues.

Um, it's not his child.

She probably didn't marry lover right away because he was still married, but why fuck over her husband?

Shouldn't he have invited his ex wife out to dinner? Without warning he takes her to an exclusive posh restaurant, where her thrift store clothes and bargain beautician hairdo make her look like a rag picker in Neiman Marcus. He proceeds to kill her with kindness, understanding and condescending pity. In fact he ends the evening thanking her for her treachery and betrayal, given where the time and experience led him. When their table is approached by a younger fitter gorgeous woman, George introduces Mary to his fiance', who he is taking out for an evening of clubbing and dancing. He tells Mary to stay and have coffee and desert which he has already paid for, and in her hearing he tells the waiter to bag up the leftovers for Mary to take home to Her adopted child. He drops twenty dollars on the table and tells Mary to get a taxi home, or take the bus and use the leftover money to buy herself a nice gift from the thrift store.

As Mary is leaving the restaurant, conspicuous with her doggy bag, she passes John and Carol, Robert's ditched wife, the woman who's marriage Mary broke up. They are toasting their anniversary with champagne, and as Mary passes they offer her a third glass they already had poured. Carol then proposes a toast to Mary in gratitude for taking out her garbage. When Mary breaks down crying Carol puts her arm around her and escorts her out of the restaurant. Once outside Carol reminds Mary that a woman with a lot of experience fucking and no morals should be able to find another sucker sooner or later, if she'll lose about 20 pounds. Carol walks away after pointing out to Mary closest bus stop.

Not a good story, not a good writer! Yawn inducing boring drivel full of inconsistencies and too many holes in the plot to call this a complete story, you only ever seem to post outlines of stories. 1*

Make it as painful as you can, show the glee you get. Good try.

Theres no reason to post this here . Find a writing group, this website is about sex .

Started well, but not particulary interesting along the way. Rather convoluted so it fizzled out.

Dont worry about the nasties.

But please keep writing and learning how to write.

Thanks for having a go.

Cheers

You are a good story teller, dont give up. Those that cant do things are the first to say how wrong you've done it. Keep moving forward.

You obviously wrote this like a stream of consciousness, not a bad way to write. However you needed to flesh out the story more. Some background on why they chose him in particular, perhaps her thoughts as the world collapsed etc. Heck she didn't even suffer for filing false charges. Some conversations might help between characters.

Just some thoughts, you have potential so please keep going.

He never sees his son.show up with x wife and she faints that’s it. Is it his son? He doesn’t sue the state for his phones conviction. That women put him away ,she needs some prison time. The plot died after his release from jail.

It was a good plot but need a few more details and not so cut and dry. keep it up.

...that led to a limp, useless ending.

but that it's getting a 3.98 while the abysmal racist "No Clue" is currently at a 4.06 is a joke.

Keep writing, Mr. 4455.

part 2 please

Get an editor

Is it the Italian mob connection?

If it is, remember the bulk of the story is set somewhere around 1975 (maybe as late as 1980). Just check out the power names in Las Vegas, Chicago, St. Louis, and New York/New Jersey in 1975. The reason the names in the movie Godfather 3 are Italian and Jewish is, at that time, the ”mob” (at least the heads — cappos) was mostly Italian and Jewish.

If the racism has to do with the big dick bla... oh, wait, there are no blacks involved in this story. So it must have been the Italian reference.

Um, Bebop was comparing this story's score to "No Clue's" score, where "No Clue" has a better score even though IT is racist.

Save your keystrokes. Lit is home to many kinds of writers. You can complain all that you want, stories that don't reach your levels of eroticism aren't going away, deal with it.

Not only is there no evangelist story of any consequence.... But having the wife faint when she meets her ex husband Fresh out of jail when the husband spent 10 years in jail for no reason is not revenge.

And of course having all these masterminds super powerful Criminals around is just ridiculous

Reading again after reading all the comments. I think the revenge on Mary was perfect. Status was everything to her, and now she is on the very bottom. Seeing the ex husband in all.his success is unbearable. Now that she knows, she will go insane obsessing about it.

I'm not talking about inmates. I mean the guards. But, the best legal minds are some of the self-taught inmates. And jails are full of computer geniuses. And any company looking for creative experts should check out prison inmates.

But you write them well. 5*****

I wish real life turned out like this.

It was just an OK Story until the Payback begin .. Then the Story got really good

Did he leave the boy with his cheating, lying ex and her mother? And how did the ex not get charged for her false accusations that sent him to prison?

lousy comments.

5/5

Wasn't his read the description of the two men. He was Dark Haired and Dark Skin. The Kid had the same Hair and Complexion of the Azzhole. Blonde and Blue.

5* for an excellent story.

she got nothing. she and her mom were just collateral damage. He didn't do anything to her. So he has a 2000 thousand dollar suit on and what? Hell his is still an ex-con. I guess his revenge is she has to work, and raise his son. Or should I say her son because the ex doesn't exist.

about what goes around can come around. TK U MLJ LV NV

Perfecto revenge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Almost totally narrated. Very little of the tale was carried by conversation or discussion. The betrayal of Hubby made NO sense. Sweetie coulda just divorced him with a lot less effort and fuss! Just like her lover (and BabyDaddy of Hubby’s ‘son’) did to his wife. Or, Daddy coulda have him just disappear!

How many ‘Roberts’ and ‘Rogers’ can one author shove into a short story? And WHY? This is a fantasy of the first order. Suffering heaped on more suffering, then revenge on a massive scale, which makes all the good guys millionaires with money stolen from drug scum. About the only person who was developed to any degree was Bubba! I found I couldn’t like anybody else in the whole story. The bad guys weren’t really bad, they were just going with whatever Sweetie could dream up. And We-The-Readers don’t even know why Sweetie bothered about getting Hubby in the first place and why she put up with him so long if she was boffing her boss before she reintroduced herself to him ... and WTRs don’t even know if she EVER recognized him as an old classmate. Little that happened in this tale ever had a discernible reason. Well, yeah ... stealing money without risk IS easy to figure out!

2*

Chas4455. I'm 64 years old. Have driven Fords all my life, Have never replaced a water pump. I maintain several of my friends autos. You know oil change and tune ups after 200k miles, Fords I may add. They don't break. One guy I deal with drives a chevrolet. He walks alot.

“...I don't think that a businesswoman would be wearing a short skirt AND thigh-high stockings.”

Well, certainly not business women, but maybe “business” women?

Maybe a little far fetched, but a very satisfying story.

George is in prison for ~5 years. Admittedly, we’re pretty sure Bobby Jr is Robert’s son, but we don’t know.

So he gets out of prison, a millions already, and he lets Bobby Jr languish?

Needs a little more for an ending

Needs work. What happened to his son? Did he just leave him with his mother in poverty?

I liked what the guy here became...up to a point...we never found out if the boy was his...and if he is...no matter how mush he got back at his ex-wife...he's a bastard for not taking care of his son...unless I was sleeping when I read this...it was his son....

For me the story kind of flat lines...just, smaller and smaller blips until...beeeeeee! So Mary fainted, maybe she had low blood sugar? He just walks in, she faints, he walks out because he has somewhere to be?!? What would be the point of that? Hang around a bit, nudge with a $250.00 shoe ($500.00 for the pair), ask her if they have hack saw blades! You know, because you have friends, back in the joint and Christmas is coming! Buy the place she is currently living in, then raise the rent! And why is she working in a thrift store? Didn't she previously have a job as a realtor? Revisit this one, clean up the lines repost as a really good tale!

Feels a little too clinical. A lot of time spent going through the nitty-gritties of the revenge scheme, but by the end of the story, we still have barely any reason to care about the characters or what happens to them.

Could have taken care of his son. It wasn’t his fault they way thing happened

Pathetic man…

She was right to say he was a threat to her son he was happy for her son to be homeless it’s takes a real sick twisted evil mind to take things out on a kid an also possibly made that kid a orphan she passed out he said how do we know she survived he left straight away. I don’t know ure intentions with this but I hate the guy an all his criminal buddies I feel for the wife which surprised the hell out of me at the start of the story I hated her for lying but in a weird twist of fate she wasn’t

Some of the commentors talk about him leaving his son homeless (he wasn't, he lived with Mary's aunt). The kid was not his son that was made clear. The kid's real father (not stepfather) abandoned his first kid when he abandoned his first wife. That kid had a better life when the mother re-married. Bobby's life would be better if his mother used her real estate license to provide for them.

Great story. A mire robust ending would have made it a 5.

His ex-wife Mary Sue needs to be transferred to a Mexican brothel for the rest of her miserable life. She got off fairly easy considering what she had done to an innocent man. Or take her to Florida and slowly feed her to an oversized gator. Leaving her in poverty just isn't enough vengeance.

AAAA++++ I like the story a lot.

Unsatisfying

Unfortunately, this reads like a summary or outline of a story. It could actually be a good story, but this author needs to learn to “show, don’t tell”. I as a reader would enjoy reading the conversations that would naturally occur between these characters. To be falsely accused of domestic abuse and to be fraudulently convicted and incarcerated MUST have caused immense frustration and rage but we readers neither saw nor felt any of these emotions. We also have very little idea why any of this happened. The human, emotional side of these events and the motivations are simply lacking. It is like reading a dry newspaper report about these events. Bring your characters to life, don’t just present cardboard cutouts.

Show us the story not tell the summary.

Eh?

Ending totally sucked. Finish it.

Great story! only thing missing would be a happy family ending for main character.

4 Stars on a Good Story .. I would never make it in Florida as I get Sea sick on the Dock .

Shoulda nailed the judge first.

Really good until the end.

Revenge was not harsh enough for the price he paid...for having done nothing he lost many years and Reputation

Poorly written. The bones of an interesting story were there…somewhere…..but it was just too jumbled to enjoy.

.

2 **

I feel another chapter would probably tie this up better

Checked all the boxes for an enjoyable read. 5 stars from Xluckylee

Written like a 10 year old on steroids

Oh my god that was horrible. How in the fuck did this get a 4+ rating?

I don't think this is the end of this story,another chapter would be appropriate to do the story justice.pls consider adding a chapter or two before saying the END

On release,by didn't he try to reconnect with his son?.

Reconnect with his son? The little bastard isnt his. Great story of everyone getting their comeuppance. 5+stars

Ahhh... the commentors that criticise this story are so transparent.

There are 89 comments as I write this, but in reading some of them, you would think the story was trash. However, 100,000 people have bothered to give a rating, and that rating averages out at 4.18.

That means that in general, most people liked it. Very well in deed, as a matter of fact.

To me, that says that those who give negative comments have an unhealthy psychological need to vocalise their displeasure. The impulse is fuelled by their dislike of the content more than the quality of storytelling, tainted by their own world view.

Well... it looks like they are quite rightly in the minority. It looks like most have a balanced outlook. That's a very good thing. Let them have their little tantrum.