Ghosts of the Past

"Sounds like you two really got along well," Elizabeth observed.

"Yeah, we did. He was the first person in a long time that was nice to me, that I felt safe around. We dated for a couple of months and things were great. I had been avoiding my parents ever since I'd moved out, so I thought things couldn't get any better."

"I'm assuming this is where we get into some of the not so great memories you wrote about?"

"I had a hard time remembering some of the details, but back then I was still haunted by the ghost of my father. The nightmares were mostly controlled when I was with James, but the nights where I was alone were rough. There were so many times I wanted to tell him..."

"Why didn't you?" she asked softly.

"I was so ashamed. I mean, how could I tell my boyfriend that my dad used to have sex with me? I tried to bring it up in conversation a few times, like talking about how horrible some families had it, with children being raped by family members. I could never bring myself to come right out and say it. I still never got a chance to tell him, even now after our split."

"It sounds like it made sense at the time. You can't go back and change the past, but have you considered talking to him about it now? Do you still speak with your ex-husband?"

"Sometimes, but it's almost always about our daughter. I tried to talk to him once, after he moved to Hawaii, but that ended in disaster too. My journal hasn't even gotten to those colossal fuck-ups of mine yet."

We both shared a laugh at that. "At least I can laugh about it now, without needing a box of Kleenex handy."

"So, you were dating but not living together, right? What happened next?"

"Well, like I said, I was still having some nightmares but not as many as I had when I was spending every night alone. James was still a young pilot, so his flight schedule wasn't the best for keeping him home every night.

"When we'd been dating a while, he asked about my parents. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also didn't really want him to meet them just yet. James finally convinced me that it was important to him to meet them, so I called my mom. That lead to his first visit, and it felt like the Twilight Zone. My dad acted as if nothing had ever happened between us, and my mom was happier than I'd ever seen her. It was bizarre to say the least."

"Did anything happen on that visit?"

"No, although I think a part of me expected something to. I slept like shit the whole weekend, having nightmares each night about him visiting my bed. After that trip I convinced James that they should come visit us, knowing they rarely ever traveled anywhere. I'd hoped we wouldn't see them for a long time."

"So, how did that affect your relationship with James?"

"Well, like I said, I'd convinced him that my parents should visit us instead of us going to them. His parents had been killed in a car crash before I'd ever met him. When we'd returned from that visit, things between James and I were good, but I always felt he was out of my league. I mean, I know I'm not ugly or anything, but I always thought that he was an 8, dating me at barely a 5."

"When you say those numbers, why do you only think you're a 5? I've tried to avoid using the number system in my life, because it's all totally subjective. Honestly, you're a very beautiful woman and shouldn't sell yourself short."

"All my life, I've seen other women as prettier than me. I used to get so jealous of the hot girls dating all the hot guys. I never felt like one of those girls."

"Honestly, how often were you thinking about guys, with everything you were dealing with at home?"

"Sometimes I would check out a cute guy, but not very often. I used to hope that there was still a Prince Charming for me, but at the same time always worried that they would turn out just like my dad."

"So, after the visit to your parents, how were things with James?" I was thankful for her changing the subject back on topic.

"We continued to date and spend the night with each other whenever we could, and I knew that I'd fallen deeply in love with him. He was the one person that had my back, and I had his. We were a great team."

"That sounds like a good thing, right?" she probed.

"Looking back on those years, I was so happy. For a time, it was just us. We were so good together, and I'm not just talking about in bed."

She laughed, nodding her understanding.

"James proposed to me one special evening, at dinner. You should have seen the place, everyone was clapping for us after I said yes."

"I think that's one of your happier memories, huh?" she asked. "Did you write that in the journal?"

"Yes, it's one of the happiest memories of my life. He was such a perfect gentleman. We'd dated for nearly two years before he proposed, and even after that we had a nearly year-long engagement. I finally had to agree to set a date when I found out I was pregnant with Madison."

"Were you scared of commitment? What made you want to wait?"

"I know, that's usually the guy's problem, huh?"

"Not necessarily," she comforted. "Women can be just as nervous of marriage as men. So, he proposed, and you said yes, but didn't set a date until you found out you were going to have a baby. Looking back on it, do you regret accepting his proposal?"

"No, never," I said with some passion. "Marrying James was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I didn't deserve him then... still don't."

After a few seconds of silence, she ended our session for the day with a new assignment, as always.

"For next week, I want you to dig deep on the time during your engagement. I want you to really explore why you held off setting a date, and why you finally decided to after finding out about the baby. Why did that change things? Sound good?"

***************

I talked with Madison on Thursday, getting an update on her and her wife, Sarah. I still couldn't believe it; my daughter was married, and to a woman! I mean, her being gay didn't bother me at all, I just never saw it coming. I guess I was blind to a lot of things in my life.

"So, how's the new house?" I asked.

"We love it, thank you for helping us to find it. We had looked forever and couldn't seem to find the right one."

"You're welcome, dear. I'd do anything for you, you know that right?"

"Of course, I do, Mom. Thank you, from both of us."

"Is Sarah there with you? Say 'hi' for me. You were both so beautiful at the wedding," I said, nearly sniffling at the memory of that wonderful and sad day. That was the day I saw my daughter married, and my ex-husband with his new girlfriend.

"Yep, and she says hi back to you, too."

"Did she start her new job yet? How's that going for you two?"

"Well, my first day is next Monday, but yeah, Sarah started yesterday. She likes it so far but doesn't really know anyone yet. We'll see how it goes." She paused for a second, then went on. "How are you doing? How're the sessions coming along?"

"I think I'm getting better. My counselor is talking me through some things that I tried to forget. It's been tough, but good to talk it out. Thanks for asking."

"Of course, Mom. I love you."

"I love you, too," I replied with a sniffle.

After promising to call each other soon, we disconnected. I sat on my couch, looking at the pictures I'd hung on the wall of my apartment. It was a shrine of sorts, to the family that didn't exist anymore. On the left, hung the picture taken at our wedding. We looked so good together. In the middle hung a collage of pictures fashioned together by my husband.

I smacked my forehead, saying out loud, "Ex-husband." It never got easier to think of James as my ex.

Looking back to the wall, several of the pictures in that collage were of us together on vacations. There was the trip to Disney, when Madison was 13. There was another picture of us at Yellowstone National Park, when Madison was 8. She'd loved that visit, all the free-roaming Bison, even spotting a rare black bear from across the river. A tear formed and fell down my cheek, looking at the trip we'd taken to his hometown, remembering how sad he'd been visiting his parent's gravesite.

I wrote some more in my journal. I had to force myself to be honest about how I'd been feeling at the time. I had to write that I never trusted James. My traitorous words had to describe my insecurities. I'd known they were a problem, even back then, but felt it was like my security blanket, keeping me safe from my demons.

If I kept that blanket wrapped tight, I couldn't be hurt again, right?

***************

"How are you today, Caitlin?" my counselor asked, offering me a bottle of water.

"Thanks, I'm good today," I replied, taking the drink and sitting down. "My daughter and her wife are getting settled into their new house, and jobs. At work, well let's just say that my boss has a sore groin now. That asshole put his hand on my boob, so I kneed him in the balls."

Elizabeth laughed along with me, then asked if I'd reported it.

"Yeah, I finally got tired of it and reported his ass to the Director. I'm not sure what will happen, but they did tell me they would probably transfer me to a different group. Either way, that problem should go away."

"Good, I'm glad to hear that. So, how about your journal?"

"You always seem to know the right time to change topics, huh?"

"Occupational hazard," she said, smiling. At that moment, she nodded and gestured at the journal sitting on my lap.

"Last week, I was telling you about how we had a long engagement, and that I finally agreed to set a date once I found out I was pregnant. That was a tough few days, and I'm not sure if James ever understood why. He was flying a lot, so we got together whenever we could. He used to get me so hot..."

I blushed, even so many years later, still remembering his tongue tracing the outside of my earlobes, his breath on my exposed neck. I was brought back to the present when Elizabeth cleared her throat.

"Sorry, what?" I asked.

"What I asked was, when did you know you were going to have a baby? How did you feel about it?"

"I had been nauseous for a week, morning sickness and all. When I missed my period, I knew I was in trouble. My time of the month was so regular, I used to mark it on my calendar months in advance. He was flying the night I took the home test. When it confirmed what I already knew, I cried. On one hand, I was so happy. On the other hand, I was worried that I would be a terrible mother. I worried that James would somehow turn out like my dad."

"Why would you think that? James wasn't anything like your dad, was he?"

"No, but that didn't matter. I loved James, but because I didn't trust him, those dark thoughts still came to me. I worried that someday he might change. I felt that it had happened with my dad, so why couldn't it happen to James, too? My dad had spanked me, but never did anything sexual with me until I was a senior in high school."

"How did James react to the news?"

I smiled, remembering the moment I told him. "He was so excited. He jumped up and down and was hollering how happy he was that he was going to be a dad. At that moment, I decided that I wanted to keep him in my life, and that we would figure it out as we went along. I would just have to believe that he wasn't going to hurt me or the baby. I told myself it was time to trust him.

"That was when we set a date. I told him that I was ready to be his wife, and that we should set a date. Two short months later, we got married in a simple service."

I hung my head. There were no tears, but I was still sad.

"I sense that you aren't too happy about that. Tell me about it?" she probed.

"The ceremony was beautiful. The reception was fun, and we left that night to honeymoon in Mexico. It should have been a perfect day."

She waited for me to continue, understanding that it was hard for me to get out.

"The night before, instead of spending the night with my fiancé, I had to stay with my parents. Everyone, my mother included, told me that it was tradition for the groom not to see the bride the night before. I hated the idea of spending a night with them but held on to hope that my dad wouldn't try anything.

"I slept like shit, but tried to remember that after that night, I would be Mrs. Holmes. The next day, right before the ceremony started, my dad snuck into the room while I was getting ready. He gave me a look that I'll never forget, and told me that he missed me, missed our time together. I was in shock. I mean, how can anyone be such a monster, and then try to tell me that he missed it?

"Needless to say, I was both horrified and pissed off at the same time. I told him that after the wedding, I didn't want to ever see or hear from him again. He was lucky that I wanted the wedding to be perfect, or I'd have found someone else to walk me down the aisle."

"How did he react to that?"

"He got mad, told me that I was a slut and that he hoped James ended up cheating on me. I told him to fuck off and die, and he left the room. After composing myself, I went out and suffered through him walking me down the aisle. Once I got to James, the world fell away, and I just focused on his face."

"After the wedding, did your father honor your wishes?"

"No, but at least he kept his distance for a long time. It was years before he and I actually spoke, and it has always been brief. I think my mom finally figured out that something had gone wrong between us, but as usual, she pretended that everything was just fine. I think she still tells herself that nothing ever happened."

"Did you still worry that James might end up like him? Do you still feel that way?"

"I used to. For a long time, I worried that James would eventually show his true colors. I guess I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I watched him and how he interacted with Madison, especially as she got older and more developed. I like to think my daughter turned out a good-looking young woman, so yeah, I worried."

"Did he ever try anything, that you know of?"

"No, and after all these years, I know he never would. James has his faults like anyone else, but he would never do anything to hurt Maddy, or me for that matter. Back then, I used to lay awake until I was certain he was sleeping, just to make sure he didn't sneak off to her room like my dad did.

"At the time, I remember wondering why my mom never caught on. How did she never notice him leaving bed to sneak in with me? Did she know, and somehow allow it to continue?"

"Is that something you want to know? Have you considered trying to talk with your mother about it again?"

"I've thought about it, but honestly I don't think she'd listen. She has built up this memory of how happy our household used to be, and I think she believes the lies now more than anything I could tell her."

"Okay, fair enough. What I want you to do for next week, is try to write about the major fights you and James had. Anytime you had a major argument, or disagreement about something that caused a fight, I want to hear about it. I think you need to explore some of the reasons why you two didn't agree on something. Sound good?"

***************

"We used to fight about his stupid company."

"Well, hello to you, too," Elizabeth greeted me. "Have a rough week?"

"No, well, yeah, I guess. I just found out that my husband is getting re-married. My daughter told me that James proposed to his beautiful girlfriend."

"That must come as quite a blow. How do you feel about that?"

"Hah, what a shrink thing to ask," I laughed. She knew I was only joking with her. "I've thought a lot about it this past few days. I'm happy for him, but I'm sad that it can't be me anymore. I still wanted the job back, but I guess it's finally time for me to give up hope on that ever happening."

"How is your daughter doing?"

I smiled. "She's great. Her wife came to have lunch with me on Monday, and man that girl is hilarious. I'm so glad she's in Maddy's life."

"Yeah? That's great!"

"She was telling me about her brothers, and how she was the only girl among six children. I can't imagine what that must've been like. I've grown to love that girl like another daughter."

"Did you get anything written down in your journal?"

"I tried to. What I came up with wasn't much. We fought like any couple, but mostly it was about how jealous I was of his job, and him being away so often. When we first got married, he was still flying commercial. By the time Madison was in fifth grade, he decided that he wanted to setup his own company. He and Cyrus, that fucker, partnered to form their logistics company."

"How did you feel about him wanting to start his own company?"

"At first, I was concerned about our financial stability. I mean, I was working at that point again, but my salary wouldn't have carried us if his income wasn't enough. Eventually, that concern took care of itself. He ended up making a lot of money doing what he loved. I grew to become very proud of him for it.

"After a while, the main thing that used to cause arguments was that he was gone a lot. We hardly saw each other sometimes, and our sex life had slowed down considerably. I wanted my husband around more."

"How did he react when you talked to him about this?"

"Well, there were only a few times that we were able to talk about it without yelling. Those few times, he seemed to understand what I was asking for, but he never seemed to slow down or take any of my suggestions. I'd begged him for at least a year to hire another pilot, so that maybe he didn't have to make all those flights by himself. I guess between juggling work, taking care of Madison, and everything else, I just wanted my husband around more."

"Did anything change, after that?"

"Some. He went on a few less flights than he had, and I went with on a few, but he was still gone a lot. I think at one point, I stopped complaining because it was just draining me. I missed him when he was gone but decided that I was tough and could just deal with it. That is, until Cyrus started playing on my insecurities. Even without knowing my history, he was able to manipulate me so badly. I'm still so ashamed."

"Have you ever forgiven yourself? For any of it? A lot of stuff happened to you before you met him, and that wasn't your fault."

"I know that, but it still hurts to know that I messed things up so badly with James."

"Caitlin, I want you to know how proud I am of you. You've come a long way from the first time we've met. You've kept so much bottled up inside you for so long, and I would guess that you've been having trouble with it your whole life."

"Thank you. You've been a great friend to me."

"Your homework for next week is the tough one. I need you to examine the time around when you cheated on your husband. Write what happened, and if you can remember, what you were thinking at the time."

I nodded, knowing this might test me more than any other time since starting counseling.

***************

I remember a lot of the little things. I remember Cyrus showing me the pictures. The supposed evidence of James' infidelity. The catalyst that eventually put the final nail in my marriage's coffin. Looking back on it now, I realize that the death of my marriage began a lot earlier than that final few months.

James and I were great together, but I held something back. I hadn't told him about my past. I hadn't talked to him about my fears. I never confessed to him that I secretly expected him to molest our daughter.

How can I ever ask for his forgiveness? How could I ever forgive myself?

Writing about that final few months in my journal was agonizing, but I managed to get a few tear-soaked pages written. When it was time to talk with Elizabeth, I'd pretty much cried the tears all out.