Ghosts of the Past

"Good afternoon, Caitlin. How are you this week?" she opened with.

I sat down with a harrumph, putting my elbow on the armrest of the chair, and lowering my chin to rest on my closed fist.

"I was a bitch. There's no other way to put it."

"Well, lets dive right in, shall we?" she laughingly asked. Thankfully one of us had a sense of humor.

"Sorry, I've just been beating myself up all week as usual. While thinking about what to write in my journal, I truly realized how badly I behaved, and what I could have done differently. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, right?"

She simply nodded, waiting for me to continue.

"Looking back, I realize that he would never have cheated on me. He's not built that way. If he felt like he needed another woman, he would have divorced me first. He was always the better of us both."

"Why do you feel that way? What makes him better than you? Better at what?"

"I think he was just a better human being. I know he was a better spouse than I was, and that probably extends a lot longer than just the last few months of our marriage. James is a genuinely nice guy. He was my knight in shining armor, and I didn't fully appreciate that when we were married."

"He may be a good man, but he's no saint, Caitlin. You said yourself that he'd been gone a lot and you'd tried to tell him about that. It sounds like he didn't fully listen to you either."

"I know that, but he also wasn't an evil man, not like Cyrus. That man was the devil, and we're good to be rid of him. I feel no sympathy for him or what happened to him. I am learning to take my portion of blame for things, but if it hadn't been for that monster, I'd probably still be married to James.

"Anyhow, I started to fail him long before that horrible night. I'd been doubting him our whole married lives, and the doubt started to claw at me every day. When Cyrus started paying attention to me, I just thought he was being a good friend. I only have a few people I would call friends, and mostly they are just some girls from work.

"Cyrus listened to me, at least at the time I thought he was. When I started to tell him about my worries, he seemed so sincere. I realize now that he was just manipulating me, but at the time it felt like I finally had an ally. When he started telling me about James and other women, I'm ashamed to admit that I was able to believe him much easier than my own husband."

"It's really not that much of a shock, Caitlin. You were worried about your husband, and now you had someone else providing validation of your fears. I can see how that could confuse anyone."

"But that's the part that bothers me. How could I have such doubts about a man that I knew would never do anything like that?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Opening them, I began again.

"As things got worse at home, I was feeling more depressed than ever. I started looking at Cyrus, really looking at him, and decided that I liked what I saw. He was a handsome man, and with everything else going on, I wanted to see more of him."

"Is that when you started doing more than talking with him?"

"It was gradual until the night that I finally had sex with him. That night things went from inappropriate to straight up cheating. I'm ashamed to admit that the sex was good. I know it's a cliché, but with Cyrus it was always more animalistic, like he just couldn't wait to get me naked and ravish me. James was usually tender and made love to me.

"Don't get me wrong, James would occasionally just bend me over the back of the couch and have his way with me. He knew how to get me off, too. I guess Cyrus just got my motor running like that every time and was never very gentle about it.

"I remember thinking at the time, if James was cheating on me, I would kick his ass to the curb. How hypocritical is that? At the time, it made perfect sense to me. I remember feeling anger at him for proving me right. He always told me he loved me but, how could he? He was just like my father all along."

"So, you continued your affair with Cyrus," she prompted, allowing me to continue my narrative.

"Yes. I saw Cyrus a few more times before that fateful night. That night... We were supposed to go away for a second honeymoon, you know that?" I asked, suddenly staring out the office window.

Elizabeth remained quiet, allowing me to continue.

"After everything, I thought that trip could be a good way for us to get back to where we'd been when we first got married. I was delusional, of course, to think that anything could ever be the same. I was lying to myself at that point. The final nail was when I talked to James on the phone, and heard women laughing in the background."

"What happened after that? What were you feeling?"

"Numb, mostly. Cyrus had shown me those photos, and the phone call sealed the deal for me. I was so pissed, that I actually lost all feeling in my body. I turned to Cyrus, asked him to help me get revenge, and of course he readily agreed to it. I wasn't turned on, hell I was dryer than the desert when he first started fucking me. Sorry, excuse my language."

"It's okay. Trust me, I've heard worse," she said with a smile.

I smiled, glad to have this woman listening to me. I was thankful that she didn't judge me. That had been my biggest fear when selecting a counselor. Elizabeth had become my best friend, at least as much as a patient and doctor can be.

"Anyhow, I was so hell-bent on making James suffer, that I barely enjoyed what Cyrus was doing to me. Now, I look back at that and think, what the hell was I thinking?"

"What were you thinking at that time that James caught you?"

"I remember initially feeling happiness that he could see me returning the favor of him cheating on me. I know I yelled some harsh words at him about it. As things unfolded and Cyrus pulled out the gun, I remember freezing up. I didn't know what was happening at that point, and thought I'd asked Cyrus something like, what the fuck?

"I think I had a small orgasm, and then James rushed Cyrus and got shot, falling into the table. I think I screamed at that point, scared that he'd been killed. I never wanted him to get shot!"

"I can't imagine what that must have been like," Elizabeth replied.

"The whole confrontation had turned into my husband possibly dying. I should have stayed with him. At the time, I don't know why but I felt like the best thing I could do for him was to leave. I called his buddy Shawn and left."

I shuddered, closing my eyes as I remembered that horrible night, still hard to believe it even happened.

"I think you're making real progress here. For the next week, I want you to relax and enjoy yourself."

"No homework?"

"No homework, other than to rest. We can pick back up next week."

***************

It was never Cyrus. He had been the match, but I was the one that had burned my own life to the ground. My own weakness and insecurity drove me to where I am now. Sure, there'd been things along the way that had pushed me in this direction. All the shit that had happened in my past, all of it was just noise. I alone controlled my own thoughts and actions.

We spent nearly the entire hour talking about the decisions that I'd made.

"I get it now. It's always been me."

"What do you mean by that?" Elizabeth asked.

"The reason I'm here. The problems in my life. My failed marriage. My whole adult life, it's always been in my own hands. I think I've been the supporting actress in my own life, instead of the leading lady."

"So, you think you've been pretending to be yourself?"

"Something like that. I think I've been so wrapped up in where I fit in other people's lives, that I have forgotten to live my life."

"You think you've been living for other people, instead of yourself?"

"I think it goes beyond that, even. I mean, I've been a wife and mother, living to take care of my kid and husband. I've been a good friend to people, tried to be nice around others. In all that time, it was never about me. In the last years of my marriage, I think I tried to make it about me. I wanted more attention from James, and I wanted my daughter to be successful so that I could brag about it. I think I started getting really selfish."

"What makes you think you started to get selfish?"

"I started getting snappy with James about little shit, when I hadn't before. I know that now. We would get into arguments until he would relent, giving in to what I wanted. I felt like all I ever did was compromise with him, why couldn't it just be about me for a change?

"Yeah, I was selfish. He was the one that would go along with my demands, I guess to keep the peace. God, why was I such a bitch?"

"Have you talked to him lately?"

"No. Well, we did speak briefly at Maddy's wedding. He was there with his new girlfriend, so it was brief. I'd tried talking to him just that one time, when Cyrus followed my trail to Hawaii. That was one of the lowest times of my life. I couldn't even properly apologize to him."

"What would you say to him, right now, if he were in the office with us?"

"I've given it a LOT of thought. If I ever had the chance, I'd tell him that he is a good man. He didn't do anything to deserve the shit I put him through. I would tell him that I wish that I could take it all back and hope that he's happy now.

"I know that we're never getting back together. That ship has sailed, as much as I wish it wasn't true. We had a good life together, and I've got a lot of really great memories. I would thank him for it. I would thank him for the time I got to share with him."

"Okay, for next week I want you to draft a letter to your ex-husband. I want you to write down all the things you want to say to him in person but haven't been able to."

I went home more worried about the next week than any other assignment she'd given me before.

***************

"Well, I did it. I don't think I should send it to him though. Parts of it might help him understand some things, but I'm still not sure he will even read it. I know if the roles were reversed, I probably wouldn't either."

"The important thing was for you to write it, getting your thoughts out of your head and on paper. If you don't want to send it to him, you don't have to."

"Yes, I do. I need to try to explain to him, and in person failed me the last time I tried. Do you think I should send it?"

"Caitlin, that's a question only you can answer. Remember, it's your decision. It's always up to you how you choose to live your life. Do you want to read it out loud?"

"Not really, but I guess I can."

"It's okay, you don't really have to."

"I know, but I think I need to. Hearing the words out loud will make it feel more real to me, I think."

I cleared my throat. It would be difficult to get through without losing it completely.

I began. "James, Thank you. Thank you for being a wonderful husband, father, and best friend for so many years. Somewhere along the path, I forgot that. I will be eternally sorry for the pain I've caused everyone. I'm sorry doesn't seem to cut it, does it?

"I'm still sorry. I owed you an apology, and the last time I tried to do it in person, well, that failed miserably didn't it?"

I paused and chuckled. Even now, I could imagine James laughing along with me. I hung my head for a brief second, sad for the future that no longer existed.

I went on.

"I've been talking to a counselor, and I can never properly thank her for how much she's helped me. She's helped me to see that what happened to us, a lot of it was due to my own decisions at the time.

"I'm including my journal with this letter. I want you to have it and hope that someday you will read it. I hope you can understand some of what's happened after you read it.

"I will always love you and I miss you still. I hope you are happy now, and that the rest of your years are filled with happiness. Forever, Cait."

Elizabeth blinked, clearing some watery eyes.

"I'm very proud of you. Even if you don't send that to him, hopefully it will help you move on. Life didn't stop because of your divorce, it just changed. Granted, probably not what you had planned for, but life still goes on. You have a daughter that you love very much, you have your health and a lot of years to enjoy life."

"Thank you, Elizabeth, for everything."

I did continue to see her, even after I felt like I had at least put the past behind me enough to move on. I was going to be seeing Maddy and her new wife soon and had just accepted a new position in a different section of my company. I decided it was time to re-invent myself, and I was going to be the person I'd always thought I was.

***************

If you made it to the end, thank you. This wasn't meant to be a happy story, but I tried to really get inside the mind of one of my most enigmatic characters. Originally, she had been mostly a catalyst to get James' story moving, with little explanation about her background or actions that started the ball rolling. Caitlin hopes this answers more questions than it creates.

I also realize that James has proposed to Tanya, so it seems there is another story that needs telling.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you vote and/or comment if you feel the need. Until next time!