Girlfriend with Testing Device Ch. 09

"Thank you, Mark." said Elizabeth. She wasn't laughing, but you could tell in her voice that she was about to be. "This all looks great."

With that, and one last wink, Mark stood up straight once more. He then stretched his back, an act which involved thrusting his jiggling chest within a few inches of my face. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" he asked, lowering his voice by an octave for emphasis. "Anything at all?"

"Actually, mark," Chimed Elizabeth "I was wondering..."

"Oh?" Mark forced a grin as he turned to look at Elizabeth. He clearly didn't appreciate her intruding upon his game.

"Yeah," Elizabeth waved her arms at Mark's exposed breasts. "What's up with your uniform?"

"Oh, yeah," he let out a lyrical laugh, "it's a little ripped isn't it?" He held out his arms a little to model his tight torn shirt and black khakis better. "But it's no big deal though, is it? What about it?"

"Well, shouldn't you be wearing, you know, the waitress outfit instead of the bouncer uniform?"

He gave Elizabeth a blank stare.

"Are you feeling okay, Liz? I mean, sure it's not exactly the same as when it came out of the box, but that's not really any different from all those alterations you keep making to yours. It's hardly any less of a waitress uniform because of it."

"You're right. You're right." Elizabeth grinned and picked up one of the mugs of beer. "Of course. I Don't know what I was thinking. Here, let me just -- whoops!"

Watching Elizabeth and her mug crash into Mark was like watching the tide crash into a stony cliff.

"Oh shit!" she gasped. "I'm so sorry."

Chilly amber liquid dripped off of Mark's exposed chest as he stood their in shocked silence.

"Shit!" she scrambled for a napkin "Let me get that for you!" Suddenly Elizabeth was in tight with Mark, patting down his shirt and chest with a soggy paper napkin, groping perhaps a little too purposefully at both his hard muscles and his soft tits.

"I swear, Elizabeth." Mark said with a half laugh, locking eyes with Elizabeth and raising an eyebrow "You're worse than the customers." He put one of his heavy hands on Elizabeth's shoulder and firmly pushed her away. "These things happen. I'm fine. This isn't the first time at work I've wound up covered in beer. At least the uniform is the club's, right?"

Elizabeth's grin widened. "Hey, yeah, we have a bunch of spares in the back, why don't you go get changed into one of them?"

"I really shouldn't leave the floor unattended, but yeah, that's probably a good idea." He sighed. "As much as the guys here dig the wet t-shirt look, I'm not looking forward to having my tits smell like dried beer all night."

I don't think I'd ever heard Elizabeth giggle before, but sure enough she was doing it now.

"Alright," Mark bent down to pick up the now empty mug. "I'll be back in a little with another glass for you, okay?" Amazingly, despite Marks' uniform being so soaked that it clung to his muscular skin, very little of it seemed to have actually ended up on the floor.

"No rush." Laughed Elizabeth. "Sorry again about that."

Turning to leave, he gave one last look over his shoulder in my direction. "Bye, cutie."

Ellen gave him a dirty look as he walked away while Elizabeth sat back down. Once she was certain he was out of hearing range, Ellen let out a huff. "Why the hell does everyone keep flirting with my boyfriend? I'm right freaking here!" Frustrated, she folded her hands across her flat, bare chest.

"Wait, what?" I looked back over at the retreating waitress as he swung his hips through the staff door in the back. "Was he flirting with me?"

Elizabeth's gaze had returned to her boobs. She just kept grinning.

"I mean," Ellen continued, "first that slutty slut at the slut store yesterday and now this?"

"Its okay baby," I laughed, "I'm used to it. He probably didn't even mean anything by it, i'll bet he was just fishing for tips."

Elizabeth nodded sagely, eyes still locked on her smooth, brown cleavage. "Yeah, it's practically part of the job description. Waitresses have to be constantly flirting with the customers. He was laying it on a bit thick though." She turned to me and winked. "He must like you." She suppressed another laugh. "Besides," she ran her eyes along my body, "with a body like yours, can you blame him?"

"Oh my god. Speaking of bodies," I turned to Ellen "did you see the boobs on that guy?"

"Right!?" She snickered then broke out into a huge grin. "I had to bite my tongue not to laugh! Especially with the way they kept swinging around when he was bending over! I thought he was going to kill someone with those things!"

We both burst out laughing.

"That's why we all have to be on the same level when you swap people back." Ellen said, turning to Elizabeth, "Evan and I see him as still having, like, these great big tits hanging out of a ripped shirt."

"I mean," Elizabeth snickered "he totally does."

"Right, right, but like, to us it seems so completely foreign. Its like, that's a chest that belongs to a stripper or something. It does not belong on a guy like that." Ellen grinned. "And the way he kept showing them off, oh my god, and then you got beer all over him!" She and I both laughed again even harder. "It's like, how do you not notice that you've just got your boobs hanging out for everyone to see?"

Ellen was laughing so hard that even her delicate little breasts were jiggling.

"Oh!" cried Elizabeth. "Oh yeah! That must be so strange for you guys." She chuckled a little to join in.

I reached out and squeezed Ellen's hand. At that moment I felt so close to her. We hadn't really been out to do anything fun in a while. We'd been having lots of sex, sure, but that's hardly the same thing. This was nice. Even when we weren't fucking, I enjoyed just joking around and being with her.

"Well," said Elizabeth, eyeing the spread on the table before us. "I was going to propose a toast, but I guess that's not happening now that my beer is gone."

"Can we not toast with shots?" I asked innocently, brushing an errant lock of hair out of my eyes.

"You can't start with shots." Elizabeth warned. "Beer before liquor, something, something, something. Remember?"

"Wait," Ellen looked down at her shot glass "Isn't the other half of that, like, get drunk quicker or something? I thought you were supposed to start with shots."

"I thought it was, um." I tapped my heel as I tried to remember the right word. "End up sicker, isn't it?"

"What?" Elizabeth frowned "No! It's... um... shit that does rhyme doesn't it? Have I been doing it wrong this whole time?"

"That would explain a lot." smirked Ellen.

"Oh, shush, you're hardly one to talk, little miss 'I got so drunk I swapped away all my body parts.'"

"Hey," Ellen frowned, "not funny."

Elizabeth gave her a consolatory little frown. "Sorry."

"I think the important thing," I said, "is that you get a lot of food and water in your belly to soak up the alcohol. How about we get to eating? I'm starving. I basically just want to put as much of this hot meat in my mouth as soon as possible." I winced internally. I had intended that to be cleverer, but what can I say, I was hungry.

Luckily, Ellen's horny little brain didn't seem to mind very much. I don't know if it was me or the food, but she had a very hungry glint in her eyes. I leaned in and gave her a long and sultry lick of my lips.

Before we could go any further though, Elizabeth interrupted. "Guys?" Okay, yeah, that was probably for the best. We didn't want another make out fest. I mean, not that I'd have minded, but right now there were more important matters to attend to.

"Right, sorry." I laughed. "Let's do a toast, then." I raised my glass. The milky white suspension jiggled. "Wait..." I eyeballed it suspiciously. "What's in this drink again?"

"Something white and creamy." Elizabeth said with a chuckle.

I glanced over at Ellen and smiled. This wouldn't be the first creamy load I'd swallowed toda—"Oh! I get it now!"

Ellen and Elizabeth laughed.

"A toast then." Elizabeth began, raising her glass "To um..."

"To sharing life's bounty with friends!" I said, raising my glass.

"To good people who will stay with you through thick and through thin." Ellen raised hers.

Elizabeth looked a little embarrassed as Ellen said this, but then she shook her head a few times and pumped her glass up in the air so quick I was worried it was all going to come spilling out.

"To tits!" she cried, as her breasts threatened to burst straight out of her top.

We all laughed as we clinked our glasses together and downed our shots.

It was vile and salty and rich and as soon as I got it down my throat I kind of wanted more. I struggled not to cough. I wasn't expecting it to be quite so strong.

The food, as it turns out, was amazing. Maybe it was just my hunger, or maybe it was just something that agreed with my new metabolism, but it was hands down everything Elizabeth had played it up to be. It was hardly a full meal, of course, but it was all still surprisingly filling.

The wings, especially, deserve special mention. They were probably the best things I'd ever eaten. Honestly, I don't know why that place bothers with the strip club at all. They'd be raking it in hand over foot if they just doubled down as a wing join. Seriously, you should go get some when we're done here. You'll be amazed.

True to his word, a short while later Mike returned with a replacement beer for Elizabeth. It was all we could do to collectively hold our laughter as this slab of a man - this statue - mincing about in his little toga uniform, had to struggle with a top that could barely contain both his expansive back and his prodigious tits, which now threatened to spill over the silky material with each step he took.

We all sat there for a while in idle conversation as we ate, our spirits lifting as the food and alcohol soaked its way through our bellies.

It wasn't long however before Ellen found herself completely distracted. A new girl had made her way onto the stage. Honestly, I was a little disappointed with most of the girls I'd seen here tonight. The place had a few really great dancers, sure, but it had a lot of pretty average ones as well. No one could really hold a candle to what that Candy guy was doing earlier. Even the girl stepping out on stage just then, who the guys were eating up, just didn't seem to have any of the right moves.

This new girl was an elfin looking thing with long dark hair and an elegant evening gown that perhaps showed a little bit more skin than was strictly speaking proper. Her makeup was professionally done to give her a look of class and nobility. Her breasts were not especially large, but they seemed larger on the girl's smaller frame. Still, Elizabeth and Ellen were both now staring at the girls tits jealousy. There was a deeper look there though, like they were eyeing up a lobster in a tank.

To my disappointment, any semblance of elegance the girl may have had disappeared once her dress hit the floor. Underneath was an elaborate array of lingerie that culminated in a carefully positioned crotchless g-string. Bills went flying up onto the stage as she then proceeded grinded herself gently along the pole in time to the music.

"Oh my god," Elizabeth looked down at the device and grinned. "I just had a great idea."

"Oh no." said Ellen. "What?"

"Here." Elizabeth grabbed for the device and made some adjustments to the controls before setting it down in the center of the table. Cautiously, Ellen and I also reached out to put a hand on it.

Zzzzttttt!

If I hadn't just swallowed, I'd have done a spit-take. The girl on stage was suddenly sporting an enormous erection, her new cock and balls hanging down low from the gap of her crotchless g-string. I couldn't really say how big it was, but just like her boobs, it looked all the bigger for the girl's petite frame.

I frowned. As obsessed with them as Elizabeth was, I, like most straight guys, tried to avoid looking at dude's dicks if I could help it. I'd seen my fair share of them, of course. Back in high school I hadn't been able to pass through a locker room without like, 90% of the class sprouting uncomfortable boners, but that sort of thing is unavoidable and it's not like I exactly enjoyed the experience.

"Oh my god. Of course you'd think to do that" laughed Ellen "It's a shame the guys in the crowd don't share your love of huge dicks."

"Are you kidding me?" Elizabeth grinned. "Look at them, they're clamouring for it!" Sure enough, a cheer went out in the crowd as the brunette sent her dick spinning with a series of short, circular hip gyrations. "They love it!"

"That's so weird." I said. Holding my hand up to block my view of her engorged swinging member.

"Wait, wait, oh my god." a grin spread across Elizabeth's face. "I wonder if... I wonder she'll get more tips if she has a bigger dick?"

"What?" Ellen Laughed "How would that work?"

"I don't know, but I kind of want to find out!" Elizabeth picked up the device and started spinning the dials.

"Just... " Ellen sighed. "Just remember you've got to swap everybody back afterwards, okay?"

"Who me?" Elizabeth said with mock innocence. "Always."

With all of of us touching the device, Elizabeth aimed and took fire. The gentle Zzzzttttt Zzzzttttt Zzzzttttt rattling in the back of my head again and again, each time making the poor girl's crotch suddenly and dramatically different. I tried to look away, but I had to admit, I was morbidly curious. It was like Elizabeth was channel surfing through a cable package of dicks: big, small and everywhere in-between, in all shapes and sizes and colors, all perfectly framed by the girls crotchless lingerie as she danced her heart out. Like a happy parade of dongs, It would have been beautiful if it wasn't kind of gross. Dicks aren't really my scene, even when attached to a beautiful woman.

I turned to look at my wonderful Ellen. She was also staring up at the stage, her lip curled up in a sneer. I guess she felt the same way. I gently rubbed my hand along her leg and gave her dick a gentle squeeze. She gave me a naughty grin, which I returned. As far as I was concerned, she was all the show I needed.

Zzzzttttt!

Elizabeth, at least, seemed to be enjoying it, and, somehow, the crowd was as well. Elizabeth had it timed to the beat and every few seconds cheers would erupt from the crowd when she got bigger, or die down when she got smaller. If I didn't know any better I'd swear they were somehow in on it.

Zzzzttttt!

"See?" Elizabeth took a drink with her free hand. "It's totally working. They love it!"

Zzzzttttt!

"I don't believe it," said Ellen. "It's got to be, like, observation bias or something. They shouldn't notice anything different at all!"

Zzzzttttt!

"Wait, hold on," I said. "Are you not swapping her back to normal after each time? Wouldn't that like, end up randomizing all the dicks in the room?"

"M-maybe?" Elizabeth stopped for a moment and then looked down guiltily at the device.

"Elizabeth!"

Zzzzttttt!

"But it's fine!" she said, resuming her ministrations. "I'll go back through the crowd after in the opposite order afterwards and everything will be back to normal, right? Right now, I want to see what everyone's got!"

"Wait..." sighed Ellen "Are you just doing this to see who has the biggest dick?"

Zzzzttttt!

Zzzzttttt!

Zzzzttttt!

"Well shit. I am now."

Zzzzttttt!

"Oh my god, Elizabeth." Ellen slapped at Elizabeth playfully.

"No, that's brilliant, Elles." Laughed Elizabeth. "I didn't even think about that! I could totally use this to scout potential dates! I mean, did you see that last one? Quite little cutie in the back, he comes here every weakened and never says a word. I'd have never suspected! I mean, I totally didn't know he had it in him. Mmf... wish he'd put that thing in me..."

"Elizabeth!" Ellen raised her voice "I think that's enough."

Zzzzttttt!

"Aww, but I've still got a few left." She laughed. "Plus, look, See? She's totally getting more tips when her dick is bigger. I'm doing her a favor."

"Yeah, because you keep swapping her to a bigger dick right before she does all the fancy stuff! The only way they'd even notice enough for it to make a difference is if she literally explodes out of a thong or something and they think it's a part of the show. No, she keeps getting more tips because you keep timing it so that she does. Its experimental bias!"

Zzzzttttt!

This particular dick happened to be especially long, and the guys let out a huge cheer as the girl acrobatically swung herself around the top of the pole, sending her enormous meat stick swaying out with the momentum.

"See!?" Ellen and Elizabeth both said at the same time, pointing at the poor girl's junk. They glared at each other, then burst out laughing.

Zzzzttttt

Elizabeth's laughter petered out as she continued looking at the stage. Somehow, this one was even larger, and, more to the point, it was thick, like a slab of meat with large weighty balls. Elizabeth, sighing loudly, set down the device.

"What?" Asked Ellen, leaning in.

"Look at her!" she sighed again. "The guys are going crazy for her!"

"Yeah, and?"

"I... I think I'm jealous." she squeaked.

"You're jealous of the girl you just gave some dude's huge dick to?" I laughed.

"Yes! Maybe!" She sighed again. "I don't know! Its like, that's everything I want to be! I want guys to cheer at me! I want guys to drool over me and just give me a bunch of money because of how badly they want me. Its like... maybe I should give myself a dick like that?"

Ellen choked on her beer. "What!?" she coughed.

"I mean, no one would know, besides me. Us. And look at them, they love it!"

"Elizabeth! First of all, she's a strippy stripper stripping stripperly in a strip club, of course they're going crazy for her. She could have a third leg and walk out in a paper bag and they'd be going crazy over her as long as she wiggled her boobs at them. The fact that she's got an enormous floppy meat rod has nothing to do with it."

Elizabeth picked up the device off the table and gave a bored inspection to the dials.

"Second off," Ellen said, her eyes returning to the stage "even if guys did like your dick, then you'd have some guy's dick between your legs, and trust me when I say that it's more trouble than it's worth!"

We all had a good laugh at that.

"Of course you'd say that, Elles." Elizabeth shot a funny glare. "But when has that ever been a problem for me?" We all laughed again.

Zzzzzttttt

"And thirdly, " Ellen continued. "you can barely keep your cock under control as it is. Remember all those wardrobe malfunctions in high school? Sure, the guys liked them, and I'm sure you love that, but it's just not practical. you can barely find panties that fit as is!"

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Elizabeth, sitting bolt upright as she started squirming in her seat.

""Wait a minute..." Ellen turned her head towards the device and raised an eyebrow. "Elizabeth? What are you up to?"

"Sorry." Elizabeth let out a nervous laugh and grinned sheepishly. "You're right Elles," She set down the device. "I'm better off -- Ow!" Elizabeth yelped in pain. "Ow! oh my god! Ow!" her hands shot to her crotch as her face suddenly went red. She looked like someone had just punched her in the gut.

"Oh my god, are you okay?"

She groaned. "I think I just sat on my balls."

"I told you!" Ellen said, pointing a finger. "See? You're always doing stuff like this!"

"Ow, ow, ow!" Elizabeth repeatedly slammed her hand down the table "Oh my god, this is the worst! I need to... I need to..." Elizabeth's tits bounced as she hastily stood up. "I'll be right back!"