Girlfriend with Testing Device Ch. 15

"You trying to steal my boyfriend ruined our friendship!" I yelled.

"Which is entirely the device's fault!" She stomped her foot.

"The device only served to let you do what you did, but it was still you doing it, you who made those fucking decisions! How can you expect me to forgive you if you won't even admit to yourself that you're responsible for the consequences of your actions?"

"I'm not trying to blame the device. I know I fucked up. But I'm just saying, if it wasn't for that thing none of what happened last night would have happened. And look, Ellen, I know you have no reason to forgive me. I've come to terms with that fact. What I did was the scummiest fucking thing I could have done. And, fuck. Look around. Even if you say you were to forgive me, how can I believe you? Right now I'm sure you'd say anything to get the device back."

"You're goddamn right I would! Give me back my fucking device Elizabeth! What are you even trying to do? Where do you think this ends?"

"I'm going to set things right, Elles. Manually. Honestly, truly right. I'm not just going to hold this thing hostage until you accept my apology, and I'm not going to have us both pretend that everything is fine while the ghost of this weekend haunts us forevermore."

I took another step back. "Don't you fucking dare."

"Look, Elizabeth" Evan said "I know your upset about what happened, but come on, this isn't the way. You can't use some magic device to fix all your problems. You need to accept that you made a mistake and that what you did was wrong. Accept it, live with it, and become a better person because of it. Don't just try to sweep it under the rug. If you do that, then it just means that none of this - none of our feelings or decisions - matter."

Elizabeth's grip tightened again around the device's frame as she looked over at Evan, her face a mess of regret and doubt.

"No, Evan, please. You don't understand. Anything else... anybody else... sure, I could do that. But this? With you? I can't bear to leave things like this. It'll be fine, I promise. I can fix everything. I can make everything back like what it was, like none of yesterday ever happened. I can make it better. We can share this thing, the three of us. Like we were supposed to, but I need to set things right first.

I made a fist.

"So, what? You're going to swap away our memories of yesterday? Swap our relationship back to friendship? What the hell kind of friendship will that be, Elizabeth? Just another in your long list of fake friends?"

"Best friends! We'd be back to the way things were before!"

My fist shook. I exploded.

"No, Elizabeth. Because I'm not going to let you. Because right here and right now I'm going to tell you the truth, and no amount of fucking with reality is ever going to let you forget it. No matter what happens, what perfect little life you try to build, you'll know deep down, that if you do this, the real me would never feel anything for you but contempt. Because no matter how hard you'd try, Elizabeth, every moment we'd spend together would remind you of this, now, the real me, and how if it wasn't for you ripping these thoughts out of me, I'd never have anything for you but disgust and anger."

She took a stunned step back. I advanced.

"Jesus, Elizabeth." I continued "You always fucking make things worse! I might - might - have actually forgiven you, prior to this shit. I might have cooled off after a few days and decided I'd been too hard on you, or started to miss your stupid ass or some other stupid sentimental shit. We might have been able to move past it and become stronger friends because of it, because fuck, that's what friends do, because they care about each other. But this? This just confirms that I'm better off without you. And you know what? I'm glad that this has happened because at least now I see where things end up when it comes right down to it."

"H- how can you say that?" she cried, "How can you say that after everything we've been through? I just want to put things right! All those years of friendship! Doesn't that mean anything to you?" Tears were flowing freely now, streaking her makeup.

"It means I should have come to this realization a long time ago. Friends don't threaten to fucking brainwash each other, Elizabeth. Friends don't hurt each other the way you hurt me, you stupid bitch. friend don't try to steal away the best things in each other's lives! After all we've been through! You have no right to fucking talk!

"Hey now," Evan said, trying to step in and disarm the situation. "This is getting a little too heated, maybe we should all just take a step back, okay?" I ignored him.

"I... I can't believe I admired you." I spat. "I can't believe I was ever envious of the way you go after what you want. Sure, you go after what you want, but you never think about the consequences, never think about how it hurts other people. And I'm always the one who has to pick up the pieces. You're a terrible friend. Toxic. I wish - I wish I'd never met you."

"Shut up!" she cried "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

I took another step forward, trying to get to her before she could react, but it was no good, she pointed the device at me like a gun.

We stood in that tableau for what seemed like an eternity. When she spoke, her voice was quiet and dark. She was just barely holding herself in.

"Fine" she said, unsteadily. "Fine. You don't want to be my friend? Well maybe I'm better off without you too. Maybe I'm sick of the way you're always looking down at me all the time. Maybe I'm sick of the way you always seem to think your better than me because you have a boyfriend, because your life isn't a constant rotation of failed relationships and one-night stands, because you lucked out and found the one most perfect boy in the world."

She paused for a second to wipe away a tear.

"You don't know what it's fucking like, Elles. To just want love, but to be unable to have it because the two people who you love most in the whole world are in love with each other. To constantly be on this hunt for someone - anyone - who loves me even a fraction as much as you two love each other, and to be rejected over and over and over again. You don't know what it's like, Elles, to be treated like a bitch and a slut by everyone you meet because yeah, you like fucking and there's nothing wrong with that, but what you really want is just a steady relationship. Your right, Elles. Maybe we'd have been better off if we never met. Maybe then I wouldn't even know what love looks like."

She started to lower the device.

"But you know what?" She raised the device back up. "No. I for one respect our friendship, respect all the time we spent together. I, for one, am prepared to forgive you. For what you've said, for all of this. You're angry and I get that. And I'm angry too. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant any of this, but I'm not about to let it end like this. I won't. I need you to understand, Elles, how I feel, what it's like for me, why it's so important. I need you to understand!" her voice dropped into a whisper "Maybe - maybe then you'll be able to forgive me."

I lunged forward, putting all my weight and strength behind it, diving at her, shoulder first. She recoiled backwards, and luckily her instinct hadn't been to fire the device defensively, but she was bigger than I was, and sturdier than I thought. She took several steps backwards before steadying herself, while I crashed down hard on the floor.

The device was still in her hand.

"Elles... I'm sorry, I really am. But one day, we'll look back on this and laugh. I know it."

She adjusted one of the other dials and aimed the device at me again. I desperately tried to crawl out of the way or stumble to my feet, but my boots made that all but impossible.

As Elizabeth's thumb moved over to the button, out of the corner of my eye I could see Evan running forward, preparing to dive in front of the device - to save me. "No!" I yelled "Evan, "

Zzzzttttt!

"Run!" the word slipped from my lips as I looked up at him. Why had I said that?

A keening jealousy stabbed through my heart as he retreated behind his girlfriend, putting his hand supportively on Elizabeth's back as she loomed over me, already preparing to fire the device again.

A tear fell down my face. That was weird... why was I crying?

To be continued in part 16: A New Normal!