Glasgow Kiss

"I don't understand," said Julia. "Are you trying to tell me you're having sex with Cathy, but you're not having an affair with her?"

"I suppose so," replied Bob. "It isn't really an affair. It's more like friends with benefits. You see, Cathy's fairly certain her husband has a low sperm count, so she asked me to help get her pregnant. I love Cathy and would do anything for her, so I agreed. She's very affectionate whenever we make love, but she told me her relationship with me is just a means to an end and is only a temporary arrangement. Her husband and I are evidently fairly similar in appearance. Cathy said she realised their problem could be an opportunity for her and me when she found out her husband and I have the same blood group."

"It sounds like you're playing with fire, said Julia. "What about DNA testing? If Cathy gets pregnant, her husband could eventually find out the child isn't his."

"A baby's blood gets checked as a matter of course when it's born," replied Bob, "but DNA testing is usually only done when paternity is in doubt. Cathy is confident her husband has no reason to suspect anything. She goes home to him every day straight from work and the only time she's not at his beck and call is when he's at the football on a Saturday afternoon. Anyway, I doubt there's much of a risk now you know what's going on. I'm fairly sure Cathy will have nothing more to do with me."

"Well, whatever your relationship with Cathy might be, there are going to be some serious repercussions," said Julia, frowning briefly. "You're senior to her, you're well aware she's married, you had sex with her during office hours and you made inappropriate use of company property. We might have been able to let you off with a warning, but the external auditor has decided to cite the car park incident in his audit report. That means KBM has officially been made aware and it's on the record, so the company has no alternative but to take formal disciplinary action. In accordance with the staff code of conduct and the terms and conditions of employment, we have to terminate the employment of whoever is responsible."

Bob's shoulders slumped and his head bowed briefly before he sat back up and looked anxiously at Julia. "I understand your position, but what about Cathy? Surely you won't fire her?"

"I admire your concern for Cathy, but it depends on the official version of events," replied Julia. "If the incident happened at her request or by mutual agreement, then her employment will be terminated. On the other hand, if we forget some of what you've already told me and agree the incident happened because you instigated it, then she will get off with a warning. Either way, as the senior of the two employees involved, your employment will be terminated with immediate effect. I'm afraid that's the best I can offer."

"Then I'd like you to record that the incident was entirely my fault," replied Bob, without hesitation. "I led Cathy astray and she shouldn't get any of the blame."

"I had a feeling you might say something like that," said Julia. "You're a good man and I'm glad you want to protect Cathy and take responsibility for what happened. If she ends up pregnant the last thing she needs is to be unemployed with no maternity benefits. I suggest you talk to her and make sure she knows what you've done for her."

"So what happens now?" asked Bob.

"Strictly speaking I could have you escorted from the premises immediately after this meeting," replied Julia. "But I know I can trust you. You can have a couple of hours for a handover to your colleagues and to say your farewells. I suggest you tell people you're leaving by mutual agreement to pursue another employment opportunity."

"Okay, I guess that's it then," said Bob.

"Not quite," said Julia. "Please believe me when I say I'm really sorry it's come to this. Despite having to terminate your employment, KBM will give you a good written reference. It's very important you come back and see me before you leave today. Don't forget. Now I need to get the necessary paperwork done and I'll have a letter of recommendation ready for you, along with some useful information."

*

Rupert Wilcox was pleased he had another box to tick for his audit report. He would include a carefully worded reference to the car park incident breaching the staff code of conduct. There would be no direct reference to the sex act; simply a gross misuse of corporate property. However, to round things off neatly in his report he wanted to know what action had been taken following his meeting with Julia Stewart. The report would look better if he was able to include that information. Not only would he be able to show he had identified a breach of the staff code of conduct, but he could also state what action had been taken as a direct result of his intervention. Rupert thought of this as 'adding value' to the work he was doing. Anyone else might have considered it petty-mindedness.

Julia Stewart had expected Rupert's follow-up and scheduled a meeting with him.

"Mr Wilcox, as you know, details of individual disciplinary procedures are only available on a 'need to know' basis and I'm not sure why you need to know what action was taken."

"My dear Julia," Rupert responded patronisingly, "audit reports are also provided on a 'need to know' basis, so confidentiality isn't really an issue. In any case, my report will not disclose any details of the incident in the car park, but will merely refer to a substantiated breach of the staff code of conduct and the action taken to address the matter. No names of individual employees will be included."

"Speaking frankly, it goes against my better judgement to share information about individual disciplinary procedures with you, Mr Wilcox," Julia said, "but I understand your audit report is intended to evidence good corporate governance and you therefore wish to state what actions were taken by the company following the incident. All you need to know is that the more senior of the employees has been summarily dismissed and no longer works for KBM. The other employee has been given a verbal warning."

"Well, if you don't mind me saying so, that young woman is getting off very lightly indeed," Rupert exclaimed. "It takes two to tango. This was a clear misuse of company property by both parties and the actions they took could have brought KBM into disrepute if witnessed."

Julia didn't bother hiding her annoyance. "I do mind, as it happens. The action we have taken is entirely appropriate and is based on the fact that the more senior of the two employees has taken full responsibility for what happened. Our understanding is that the other employee was led astray."

"I find that difficult to believe," Rupert retorted.

Julia frowned. "Be reasonable, Mr Wilcox. I personally spoke to both employees and I'm fully aware of the circumstances surrounding the incident. The matter has been resolved and no further action will be taken. Now, if you don't mind, I need to get on with other things."

Julia pushed her chair back and stood up, indicating the meeting was over. Rupert reluctantly followed her lead, clearly frustrated that only one head would roll in the wake of the car park incident. Instead of thanking Julia for taking time to meet with him, he left her office tight-lipped.

*

Over the course of the next few weeks, the Fubs hit a rich vein of form and all was well in Derek Williamson's world. He was pleased his team was winning and he was thrilled when Cathy gave him her news on a Saturday evening following the latest Fubs victory.

"Are you sure?" he asked her anxiously.

Cathy nodded. "I'll make an appointment with the doctor next week to get checked, but I'm pretty certain. I missed my period last week, so I bought one of those early pregnancy tests and did it while you were at the football today. You can see for yourself," she added, handing him a small white plastic wand.

Derek put his beer glass on the coffee table and peered at the two thin blue lines visible in the little window of the device, clearly signifying a positive result.

"That's absolutely fuckin' brilliant," he enthused. "I can't wait to tell the lads!"

"Maybe we should keep the news to ourselves for a while," cautioned Cathy. "It's still early days and we don't want to tempt fate."

"Aye, right enough," said Derek, smiling happily. "Let's keep a lid on it for now. No one needs to know just yet."

Cathy had a feeling the baby had been conceived in the little white van and she was pleased her plan had worked. She was certain Derek's attitude would change for the better now she was pregnant. As she had hoped, things did go well in the Williamson household for the next month or so and Derek even kept his cool when the Fubs' winning streak inevitably came to an end.

Arriving home on a Friday evening after a busy day at work, Cathy was surprised to be greeted by the sounds of shouted obscenities and crockery being smashed in the kitchen. The floor was littered with more smashed plates than a wedding party in a Greek restaurant and Derek stood with his back to the sink, glowering at her angrily.

"Fuckin' useless bitch!" he shouted and threw a coffee cup at her. She ducked and it narrowly missed her, smashing to smithereens against the wall near her head. Cathy was terrified at the sight of the incandescent rage on Derek's face, but it suddenly transformed into a mask of pain and he covered his face with his hands, bowing his head and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Oh my God," Cathy exclaimed. "What the hell's the matter, Derek?"

"It's my spunk," he muttered, as he looked up with tears streaming down his cheeks.

"What do you mean?" she asked, trying to stay calm while fearing the worst.

Derek took a deep breath as if to steady himself. "I had my sperm tested and I just got the result," he said. "My spunk is fuckin' useless, so that bastard you're carrying isn't mine!"

*

John Abernethy was happy with his lot in life. He had worked his way up the ladder to become chief executive of KBM by his early forties. On his way to the top he had built a great team and his office was decorated with framed photographs and artwork from successful marketing campaigns in recent years.

On this particular morning John was more than merely happy. The takeover of Corolla had taken several months, but it had worked out more or less as planned and the new board of KBM Corolla had met formally for the first time the previous day. John was now managing director of KBM Corolla. The future looked bright for the newly merged business and he was sharing a fresh pot of coffee in his office with Julia Stewart, the former HR Manager, now KBM Corolla's HR director, while they tied up some loose ends about staffing matters.

"Cathy Williamson will be going on maternity leave next month," Julia said. "We'll have to get a temp to cover for her."

"Does that mean she'll be coming back to work after she has her baby?" asked John.

"It looks like it," replied Julia. "She wants to take a break for a while, but she's keen to continue working for us, even if it's part-time and working from home in the first instance. She's really good at her job and we wouldn't want to lose her."

"I agree," said John. "Fortunately that nonsense with the external auditor worked out more or less okay in the end."

"Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill," said Julia. "I know Bob and Cathy made inappropriate use of company resources, but we could have dealt with things differently if it hadn't been for that pompous oaf. A quiet word with the pair of them would have sorted it out, but Wilcox gave us little room to manoeuvre."

"Yes," said John. "All things considered, you did a great job on damage limitation in difficult circumstances. As far as I'm concerned, Rupert Wilcox is a complete and utter waste of the space-time continuum and we won't be using his services ever again. The audit report he produced was barely fit for purpose. It was very superficial and there was little in the way of risk assessment or performance analysis. In fact, it was stuffed with more padding than a winter duvet."

Julia chuckled. "It could have been a lot worse. Wilcox was incredibly annoyed Cathy got off with a verbal warning. According to him, she deserved to be punished much more severely. He was like a dog with a bone and more than a bit wound up about the whole episode. I was worried what he might get up to, because he had temporary access to the personnel files on our intranet. I did a thorough check after he finished his audit, just to make sure he hadn't added any unauthorised notes on anyone's file. Thankfully it looks like he decided to be sensible and not do anything stupid."

"Well you did your best to defuse the situation with Wilcox," said John, "but the bloody fool still got Bob McEwan pushed out the door. We'd have lost Cathy too if Bob hadn't fallen on his sword. It says a lot for Bob that he was prepared to sacrifice his job and likely his career for the woman he loved. Wow!"

"Cathy knows she's lucky to have him," said Julia. "Every time she talks about Bob these days you can see her eyes light up. There's no doubt he's her hero and if she wasn't totally in love with him before, she's head over heels now."

"I heard on the grapevine they're living together and plan to get married after her divorce is final," said John.

"Yes. If the timing works out, they'll get married before the baby arrives."

"So, what do we do about Bob?" asked John. "Can we get him back here?"

"We probably need to leave him where he is at the moment," replied Julia. "He's settled in well and he's doing a great job bringing our new colleagues from Corolla up to speed on how we do business. Besides, it's less than an hour by train between Glasgow and Edinburgh, so we can split his time between the two offices if necessary."

"I have to say that was a stroke of genius, Julia," said John, grinning from ear to ear. "Getting Bob employed by Corolla prior to the takeover meant we didn't lose him after all. Well done!"

Julia laughed. "You should have seen his face when he came back to my office to get his letter of recommendation and I told him Corolla would offer him a position equivalent to the one he had held at KBM. He was taken completely by surprise and suddenly found himself on his way from misery to happiness in the same day, a bit like that song by the Proclaimers."

*

Rupert Wilcox lived alone in a detached house in one of the leafier, upmarket Glasgow suburbs. His salary as an accountant and auditor meant he could easily afford the mortgage payments on a nice home with three bedrooms in this part of the city. Besides, as an only child, he stood to inherit more wealth in due course from his parents. Rupert would have liked to share his life with a pretty lady like Cathy, but he lacked the social skills to find a suitable mate and found it difficult to approach women. From time to time he had resorted to brief interludes with ladies of the night, but he resented having to pay for sex.

Rupert rarely had visitors to his home, apart from religious canvassers, door-to-door sales people and occasional temporary female companions. When the doorbell rang early one evening he was only mildly curious about which brand of nuisance caller would be on his doorstep this time. He hadn't made any arrangements for female company, so he suspected he would be invited to save his soul or spend his money. Either way, Rupert would give the caller short shrift.

Opening the door, he was surprised to find a youngish, dark-haired man standing there empty handed, with no sign of religious pamphlets or sales materials.

"Good evening," said the man. "I was hoping to speak to Rupert Wilcox."

"That's me," replied Rupert. "What do you want?"

"I want to thank you."

"I don't think I know you, so why would you want to do that?" asked Rupert with a slightly puzzled expression.

"We haven't met, but you definitely know who I am," said the young man, nodding briefly to confirm his assertion. "You wrote to me to let me know what my wife was doing with her colleague."

"I'm not sure what you're getting at," replied Rupert, cautiously.

"Oh, come on now. Cathy was pretty upset about something that happened at her work and when I asked what was bothering her she told me an auditor had reported her for making a mistake and she had been given a warning. Weeks later I got an anonymous letter, giving me the lowdown on what the warning was about. According to the person who wrote the letter, Cathy was lucky not to lose her job. I did a bit of checking up and one of her colleagues gave me your name. It took me a while to find you, but I wanted to personally show you my appreciation of your actions."

"You must be Mr Williamson then," said Rupert, smiling smugly with self-satisfaction. "I thought you needed to know what happened and I'm glad I could be of assistance. It was the least I could do for you and there's really no need to make a big deal out of it."

"Oh, but there is," said Derek. "I knew Cathy wanted a baby, but I didn't realise she would go behind my back to get what she wanted. When I got your letter I still couldn't believe it, so I got my spunk tested. It turns out I'm sterile, so it was definitely someone else who put a bun in her oven. I wouldn't have had a clue if you hadn't written to me. You decided I needed to know what had been going on, so I had no choice after that. Plenty of other people must have known and I don't want anyone thinking I would go along with her screwing around on me, so I had to confront her."

"Quite right too," Rupert interjected. "People need to be held accountable for their actions."

"Maybe so," said Derek, shrugging briefly. "I didn't tell her I got an anonymous letter. I just told her I knew she had been screwing around because I'm sterile. She got very angry I hadn't got myself checked long ago to find out whether I was firing blanks. As far as she was concerned I betrayed her as much as she betrayed me. She was so pissed off I think she would have left me anyway. At the end of the day it doesn't matter one way or the other. I ended up telling her to take a hike, so she's shacked up with her fuckin' baby daddy now and there's no way back."

"I'm sure you're better off without her," said Rupert haughtily.

"I thought you might say that," said Derek with a brief smile. "You know, it's largely due to your efforts that I'm getting divorced. That's why I decided to come and see you, because you need to know just how much I appreciate what you did."

Swiftly closing the gap between the two men, Derek stepped forward and grasped Rupert firmly by the shoulders. Rupert was surprised and puzzled by this sudden move and briefly wondered whether the young man was going to hug him or kiss his cheeks in gratitude for Rupert's good deed. Instead, Derek drew his head back slightly, while looking Rupert straight in the eyes. Then, with virtually no warning, he violently slammed his forehead into Rupert's face.

Rupert regained consciousness later that evening, lying in a pool of blood at his front door. He crawled back into his home and managed to call for an ambulance. The Accident and Emergency Unit of the Queen Elizabeth University Hospital immediately referred him for emergency surgery. He had severe concussion, a broken nose and a fractured eye socket. Thanks to the skill of the surgeon on duty that evening, Rupert didn't lose an eye, nor did he require extensive reconstructive surgery. In fact, having his broken nose reset and his face slightly rearranged arguably made him look more interesting.

By way of contrast, thanks to his thick skull and use of the correct technique, Derek Williamson was uninjured. He had a bit of a sore head for a day or two, but no worse than a moderate hangover would have been. He was never contacted by the police, but he would have been able to name a dozen Fubs supporters who could confirm he had been drinking with them in a city centre pub at the time Rupert Wilcox was assaulted.