Gold Star Mom

The day prior Carson got a text at around 10am during a meeting. He knew better than to read it, but when he saw who it was from he couldn't help himself.

"Carson. Hi. I know you're a very busy man, and this may be asking too much, but I was wondering if there was any chance you could possibly meet me at the airport. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I've always had a fear of getting into a vehicle of any kind with someone I don't know. And yes, that includes taxis, and don't even mention 'Uber' or 'Lyft'. I'm sure this sounds absurd, but it's true. I'd rent a car, but the cost of the ticket and the motel have really made that tough.

I feel terrible even asking, but I don't know anyone else with 300 miles of the base, and if you could help me out, I would very grateful. Regardless, I do look forward to meeting you. Lori."

"Captain Carson? Is there anything you'd like to share with the rest of us?" the battalion commander asked.

"Sir. I apologize. It's from one our Gold Star moms who needs a little assistance."

The CO nodded and said, "You got me there. Our hero's family members take precedence over anything else for the next 48 hours. Anything I can help with? Or my wife?"

"No, sir. I'll take care of it, and again, I do apologize."

A fellow captain gave him a 'nice going' look but Carson couldn't respond and didn't care. In fact he barely heard anything else the CO said after that.

It was rare for him to leave work before 1800 or 6pm, but that evening he left at 1600 so he could get home, shower, change, and be at the airport by 6:15 for Lori's 6:45 arrival from upstate New York.

It was crisp and a little chilly outside for so early in September, so he threw on a light jacket over the button-down shirt he wore along with a pair of dockers. He took a look at himself in the mirror before he left and told himself he needed to look his best due to the upcoming occasion, but he knew the real reason he checked himself out.

He was at the exit gate 15 minutes early which was good, because her flight arrived ten minutes early. As passengers began coming down the exit ramp he realized his palms were sweaty, something else that hadn't happened since he was a teenager.

When he saw her he quietly said, "Oh...my...god."

She still hadn't seen him, but he began walking toward her. He was just a few feet away when she looked up, and the smile she gave him made him feel lightheaded.

"Carson! Hi! Thank you SO much for coming. You're a lifesaver!"

She had one carryon bag with wheels plus her purse, and after saying 'hello and he was happy to help' he offered to take her carryon.

"It's not really a bother," she told him.

"Still. I'd like to help."

"Okay. Thank you so much."

She handed him the handle, and he then asked how her flight was and tried not to stare.

"It was very smooth and we caught a tailwind. Must be the cold front headed this way. I was worried you might not be here yet, so when I saw you I was very relieved to say the least."

Lori was wearing a camel-colored coat that looked expensive, but he had no idea what it cost. He only knew it looked very chic over the beige knit dress she had on under it. With the heels she was wearing he could tell she was only an inch or so shorter than him, but what he liked seeing the most was her gorgeous face and that insanely beautiful smile.

"Where are you staying, Lori?"

"At the EZ Sleep? Do you where that is?"

"Sure. Jacksonville, North Carolina, is a lot smaller than the city in Florida of the same name. In fact, unless you've been stationed at Camp Lejeune or grew up around here, very few people have even heard of it."

"I was one of those until my son got sent there."

She looked over at him and smiled.

"Since I'm now here, I suppose 'there' no longer applies."

In the 3-4 seconds he looked at her he was amazed by her flawless looking, fair skin that was covered with a light base of foundation. A touch of blush and some mascara were all she needed to look beautiful...or even more beautiful...as he could tell she would look that way without any makeup at all.

"So may I ask how long you've been in the Marines?" she asked as they drove to her motel.

He let her know that he was a proud, former enlisted Marine and how long he'd been on active duty.

"I take it you're in for a career then?"

"That's my plan," he began. "I have to make major if I want to stick around, but I don't see that as a problem. And the truth is I can't imagine myself sitting in a cubicle somewhere for 40 hours a week."

She laughed politely and told him she understood.

"Unfortunately, a cubicle is my lot in life, so I really do get it. The good news is I don't hate my job, and the people I work with make it less...routine."

Lori worked as an associate in a warehouse where she spent all day in front of a computer tracking inventory for the company that employed her.

"The money isn't great, but it pays the bills."

Against all advice from numerous senior Marines, Colton had elected not to buy SGLI or Serviceman's Group Life Insurance. He'd been 18 and felt invulnerable and believed the few extra dollars he'd save each month were more important than buying term life insurance he'd never need. His mother had been too distraught to care, but that was $400,000 she would never receive.

His mother had received a death gratuity of $100,000 upon his death, but she'd used that money to take care of numerous, much-needed repairs to her home that had needed a new roof, mold remediation, and a whole host of other problems. She did trade in her 13-year old car for one that was just four-years old, but other than a few personal things like the coat she was wearing, nearly all of it went for essentials.

He chuckled at the 'it pays the bills comment' and said, "As my father often says, 'That's why they call it work'."

Lori laughed and told him his father was right.

"I loved staying home, but when my husband died, that wasn't an option. Colton also got a job after school, and he did everything he could to make life easier for us. He was such a good boy."

Carson glanced her way to see if she was tearing up and was relieved that she wasn't.

"He sounds very mature for someone so young."

"His father's death forced him to grow up. Almost overnight. He often stayed home to avoid spending money, and I felt so guilty, you know? I always encouraged him to go out and have fun, but he'd say, 'Mom? My job is to take care of you now, so not hanging out doing nothing isn't exactly a big deal'. He once said, 'Besides, I like hanging out with you'."

She reached for a tissue and dabbed her eyes then apologized.

"I'm sure I'll cry enough tomorrow so no need to start early, right?"

Carson only nodded and smiled politely. He felt bad for her and realized he couldn't possibly know what it was like to lose a child. Losing a buddy in combat was one thing, but a mother losing her only son? He suddenly felt...he felt a flood of different feelings as he imagined his mother and how she'd feel were he to die.

They arrived at his car, so he unlocked it and put her carryon in the trunk then opened her door. She thanked him and when he got in she had a smile on her face.

"Anyway!" she said, trying to be more cheerful.

"How about you, Carson? Is there anyone special in your life?"

"No. I stay pretty busy."

"I'm embarrassed to say I have no idea what you do. I have this ridiculous notion of Marines marching around all day as some sergeant yells at them. Or...they're peeling potatoes or shooting guns or...."

She looked over at him and smiled.

"Absurd, huh?"

"No, not at all. Most other Marines don't know what Marines in other MOSes...jobs...do all day. Especially those in the aviation community. We on the ground side of the house have similar misconceptions because we've never seen an aviation ordnance tech do his or her job. Same for an avionics technician or other things those Marines do."

"That's somehow comforting, because I don't even know what those things are. Is ordinance like...military police?"

Her raised eyebrow indicated she was guessing, and he managed not to laugh at her stab in the dark.

"It's actually ordnance...without the 'i' in the middle. Bombs, rockets, missiles, and other ammunition that jet aircraft and helicopters expend to protect infantry Marines like me on the ground."

"You're very brave, Carson. I get frightened when I hear two men talking loudly to one another--in a movie. I can't even imagine guns and bullets let alone bombs."

He wanted to say something like, "Aw, shucks. Tain't nuthin', little lady," but none of it was funny considering the way her son had died.

"It's not for everyone," he politely said as he looked over at her.

"Oh. There it is!" she said as the sign for the motel came into view.

It wasn't the worst motel in town, but it wasn't exactly the kind of place he'd want his wife to stay were he a married man. He knew that Marines often got motel rooms and got drunk and raised a little hell in 'dives' like this. He just hoped that wouldn't happen while Lori was staying there.

He pulled in by the front door and went around to open hers then grabbed her carryon.

She thanked him and told him she'd look forward to seeing him again the next morning.

"I'd be happy to pick you up. If you'd like."

"Do you have time to do that?"

"I do. And it's not a problem. I promise."

"That would be wonderful. Yes, thank you so much, Carson!"

He thought for a moment then asked, "If you'd like I could stop by a little earlier and we could have breakfast."

"I normally just have coffee for breakfast, but thank you so much."

"Oh, sure. I'll take your carryon inside, and unless you need anything else, I'll see you tomorrow morning around 7:45 if that's okay."

"I'll be ready."

She thanked him again then assured him she'd fine, so he wished her a good evening and headed for the door. He stopped when she called his name.

"Yes?"

"Do you...do you have any plans for dinner?"

His entire mood changed in an instant.

"I don't. Did you want to maybe go get something?"

He walked back toward her as she said, "I'm kind of dreading being here. Alone. So dinner would be very nice. And I will pay for my meal."

Her smile was killing him.

"No. You will not," he told her politely but firmly. "Dinner is on me, and there will be no arguing."

She laughed and said, "Well, okay...sir!"

He carried her bag to the room, and set it near the bed when he heard her say, "Yuck!"

"What is it?"

"Look," she said, pointing to the bed where she'd pulled down the comforter and the blanket.

Carson looked over and couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Oh my... Is that...blood?"

Lori recoiled and shook her head.

"I'm not staying to find out. Whatever it is, that's disgusting!"

"Do you want to ask for a different room?"

"Oh, no. I'll stay at the Ramada or some other place, but I am not staying here. It's not worth saving a few dollars."

He saw her shiver as she looked at the huge blotch on the sheets. They'd been washed, but it still looked disgusting.

"Do you want to try the Ramada now?"

"I'm actually getting pretty hungry, so if we could eat first, that would be better."

"Dinner it is!"

"Can we do the Ramada later, though?" she asked.

"Of course. Come on. I know a nice restaurant, and there aren't many of them in these here parts."

He got a laugh and another smile and almost told her she was beautiful with the key word being 'almost'.

"How do you feel about Mediterranean food?" he asked after helping her back in the car after she dropped the key off. The clerk told her there were no refunds, and Lori told him she didn't care in a polite way. She just wanted to leave.

"I love it. Why?"

"Well, we're on Western Blvd., and there's a very nice restaurant called Marrakesh Mediterranean about a mile up the road."

"That sounds lovely!" she told him as their eyes met.

Both of them looked away quickly as Carson said, "Okay. Great. Let's do this!"

He waited for a moment, thought about it twice then decided to ask.

"May I ask you a personal question?"

She looked at him and said, "Sure."

"Is there anyone in your life?"

"No, I'm afraid not. I was married to the love of my life for 17 years. After he died, I couldn't even think about...that. And by the time I could, well, I lost Colton, too."

"You're truly an amazing woman, Lori."

"Thank you, but the only amazing thing is that I'm still around and even trying."

Her remark hit home having gone through suicide awareness training just a few months ago, and that remark set off warning bells in his 'brain housing group'.

"I somehow kept going when my husband died. Mostly for Colton. When he left home I was SO lonely I thought I might die, but I had no desire to you, know... I was finally learning to cope with it and had just agreed to go out with an old friend when two Marines and a Navy chaplain came to my door."

"We don't have to talk about this, Lori. Please forgive me for prying."

"No, it's okay. It's hard to talk about, but you understand, and I just don't know anyone else who does."

The way she looked at him made his body react, but he only nodded.

"After that I fell into a deep funk which turned into full-blown depression. I'd have lost my job, too, if the owner didn't...."

"Fancy you?" Carson offered with a weak little smile.

"He's asked me out several times. He's a nice man, but I don't feel that way about him, and that wouldn't be fair to him. But, long story short, I got help and this medication called Effexor really turned things around for me. It got me mentally 'up' enough that I was able to function again and that 'hollowed-out' feeling began to gradually fade away."

"You downplay it, but I think you're as brave...and as tough...as any Marine I know."

She looked his way then down at her lap then looked out the front of the car.

"You make me feel safe, Carson. Like everything will be okay, and that maybe, in time, I'll meet someone I do feel 'that way' about."

"If this sounds cliche, it's not meant that way, but you could have any man you want, Lori, and once you meet him he'll be a very lucky guy."

"See? You not only understand me, you make me feel happy, and that's a rare commodity in my life."

Carson pointed to the restaurant and Lori said, "This place looks nice. And expensive."

"It is nice, but the food is worth the price."

She watched him walk around to get her door and felt a twinge of embarrassment for feeling what she felt. She knew why she was feeling it, but he was closer to her son's age than hers, and that, of course, is why she had that pang of shame. After all how could she ever tell him she'd panicked and pushed him away after having...feelings for him when she didn't even know him. It was foolish and immature, but she'd had them, and now she was feeling them again and didn't know what to do.

He helped her out then offered her his arm. She laughed and thanked him then slid her arm through his. He opened the restaurant door then offered to help her with her coat.

"You're such a gentleman," she told him sincerely.

"That's by an act of congress only," he said with a laugh.

She gave him a look that said, "I don't get it," so he explained.

"We're called 'officers and gentlemen' by an act of congress, so the joke is that we're Marines, not gentleman. Except by an act of congress."

She thought for a moment then laughed before saying, "I believe in your case that both are applicable."

He tried to look offended then deadpanned another line.

"Hey. I resemble that. Or at least I hope I do."

Lori actually laughed at that and again said, "See! You have this way about you."

A young woman walked up to them asked how many in their party and Lori turned to Carson.

"Two, please."

He helped her with her chair and sat across from her as the hostess told them their server would be with them shortly.

"She was definitely looking at you," Lori said as she laughed. "I get it. Were I her age...."

"Girls her age are...unimpressive," he told her with a smile of his own.

"She's not that much younger than you, is she?"

"I'm guessing she's maybe 22?"

"And you're what...27?"

He gave her a funny look then said, "No. I'm 32."

"Really! You look so young!"

He gave her another look when she realized that wasn't a compliment.

"No. Not...like that. In...what I mean is...."

She stammered for a bit then said, "I'm gonna put the shovel down now and stop digging."

Carson chuckled then said, "It's you who looks young, and if I may say, you are a very attractive woman, Lori."

Lori's eyes got wide causing Carson to remember the she'd cut him off at the knees and think she wasn't happy with what he said. The truth was that it touched her deeply. She just wasn't sure how to respond so she only thanked him for being so kind. Even worse, it just added fuel to the fire...storm...growing inside her.

"You may need glasses, but that was very nice of you to say."

"Sorry, but I just had an exam, and I see better than 20/20. The doc said my vision is 20/15, so trust me, I know whereof I speak."

"Okay. I'm going to accept the compliment and...."

Lori stopped as another young girl came to their table.

"Hi. My name is Brittany, and I'll be your server."

They ordered, and Lori asked about the itinerary for the memorial. She had a program with the outline, so Carson wasn't sure what she was asking.

"Will anyone be assigned to us? You know, to answer questions or show us the base or...whatnot?"

"There's a general tour lined up with a bus ride. Included in that is watching a group of Recon Marines fast rope out of a helicopter, but I'm not aware of anything like a personal escort. Did you have some particular concern?"

She almost didn't say it but told him she was dreading being alone after the formal intro.

"If you're not sick of me by then I'll be happy to be your escort. And your personal tour guide."

Lori seesawed back and forth between feeling like a foolish, middle-aged woman with a childish crush and a woman who very much liked Carson Miller no matter his age.

"The bigger question is whether or not you'll be sick of me by then."

Lori's smile knocked Carson on his...backside...and now she was smiling in a knockout kind of way.

"That's not gonna happen," Carson promised her.

"You say that now."

Another smile and this time it had an unexpected effect on the young Marine officer who tried to shift things around without drawing attention to his...growing dilemma. They talked about a number of things over dinner, and by the time they left, both of them had only added to the way--the unspoken way--they felt about each other.

As they left the restaurant Lori thanked him...for everything.

"You've made this intolerable visit more than tolerable, Carson. I'm not sure I'd have even come had we not talked before."

"I'm really glad you did, Lori," he told her just as a blast of cool air hit her when he opened the door.

"Oh, my!" she said as she pulled her coat around her.

It was chilly but Lori reacted as though it was winter.

"You must be laughing at me. I could never do what you do!" she said as she fast walked to the car.

He turned the heat on for her then asked, "What's next? The hotel?"

"Oh, right. The hotel."

Her voice was sullen and dejected.

"Does it help that it's only one night?" Carson asked.

"Sorry. I'm complaining again. I'm embarrassing myself."

"No. Not at all. You're actually very charming, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about."

"You're such a kind man. I'd like to echo what you told me earlier with a twist."

She smiled at him then said, "Any woman would be lucky to have you."