Golf Lessons Ch. 02

I couldn't help thinking that the old tree and the new one were sort of like my marriage. Maybe something good would grow out of what had died.

I asked Steph if she wanted a soda. She shook her head so I told her to have a seat on the nearby bench.

"Oh, okay. I ... ah ... I sort of wanted to go inside the house."

I was shaking my head, "I don't think so. I'd rather hear why you still want to be part of what happens in that house."

"Oh, okay." I think Steph was a little surprised. She wasn't accustomed to me being so firm or not listening to her requests. I waited for her to speak, but it appeared she didn't have much to tell me.

After looking back at the house again, she asked, "Where are the kids? Don't I get to see them?"

"Not tonight."

Steph took a deep breath, showing her exasperation, "What do you want, Paul?"

"I want exactly what I told you I wanted. You need to tell me why, why you decided that what you wanted to do with another man was more important than our family or me."

"It wasn't like that, Paul. I love you. I've never loved anyone but you. I just ..." she shrugged her shoulders. "It was something that just happened. I wasn't doing it to hurt you. I can't explain it any better than that."

"Steph, you aren't telling me anything. You haven't told me that you enjoyed being with another man more than you enjoyed being with me. Do you want to say he's a better lover? Are you so dissatisfied with the way we live you no longer want to be married to me."

She kept shaking her head in denial and shrugging her shoulders because she didn't have any answers. I wasn't happy with her explanation, particularly because she was so insistent that she loved me. I finally asked her, "So, what DO you want?"

Steph shrugged her shoulders, "I want to come home. Everything I have is here."

"Didn't you give some thought to that before you decided to fuck up what we had?"

"That's not what ... No, I wasn't thinking about it like that."

"Well, I HAVE been thinking. I'm going to see a lawyer on Monday. I'm going to divorce you and ask for custody of all three children."

Stephanie was on her feet, her arms stiff at her sides, and her hands clenched into fists, "You can't divorce me."

"Oh yes I can. I'll get custody of the kids, too. It's my word against yours."

"I'll get a lawyer and fight you. You won't get custody either."

I stood up, turned to Steph, and demanded, "Sit down!" I waited until she backed up to sit on the bench, and I resumed my seat.

"I'm not sure you realize what you've had for the last few years, so I'm going to tell you. If you want to object to anything I say, save it and I'll give you a chance to have your say." Stephanie folded her arms across her chest and started patting her foot. "I'll listen to anything you want to tell me, but we will be civil and talk about this without yelling at each other or making threats."

I held up my hand to let her know I didn't want her to say anything. "The vows we said at our wedding were for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance and thereto I plight thee my troth.

"Just in case you don't understand what we said during our wedding, 'Plight thee my troth' means I gave my promise of truthfulness. You 'gave' me your troth, which meant you were promising to be truthful to me. You have broken your promise. You've lied to me. You've given yourself to another man, allowed him to have something that was mine alone. So, I'm going to get a divorce. I will also ask for custody of the children. It will be much easier for both of us, and the children, if you don't fight the divorce or custody of the children."

No matter how long I'd thought about it, I couldn't make myself say it any other way. "I love you Stephanie, but I cannot live with you. It is difficult for me to be civil to you after what you've done to our family, and the vows we spoke when we were married. It's going to take me a long time to stop loving you, but I can already feel that love dying." I turned to look at her for a moment. She had stopped patting her foot and tears were rolling down her cheeks.

"I don't know about you, but I seem to recall the minister asking us if we agreed to live in the holy estate of matrimony. He asked if we could love, honor, comfort, and cherish each other from that day forward, forsaking all others, keeping only unto each other for as long as we lived. When you have the opportunity to talk, I want you to tell me what part of 'forsaking all others' you did not understand.

"You know, we were pretty young when we got married and maybe we didn't understand everything we should have. But since then we've attended quite a few weddings. Every time I sit and listen to the couple exchange vows, it's as if I'm renewing my vows to you. I know you've had those same feelings because you take my hand and squeeze it." I waited a moment, sort of wishing Stephanie would say something, but I wasn't sure I had the patience to hear it.

"I'm sure both of us would prefer to keep our marriage intact for the sake of our children. They aren't dumb. They would soon learn we weren't happy and they would begin to feel they were at fault. You and I would be miserable with our lives. You have always been the best mother I've ever known. I'll do anything I can to see you have as much time with them as you want, but I'm also interested in giving you some freedom, freedom you've never had before. Maybe you will take the time to find what you feel was missing from our marriage."

After a moment of silence, I leaned forward with my arms on my thighs and looked at the ground between my feet. I could not look at her any longer. "When I put that ring on your finger I promised to worship you with my body and endow you with all my worldly goods. I believe I've done that. I have never touched another woman with my body. Every ounce of my energy has been devoted to provide the worldly goods our family enjoyed.

"I'm sure part of the divorce will mean I'll have to pay you your share of what we've built together. Instead of selling the house, I'll agree to give you a monthly payment toward your share. I'm going to use our savings plus what I can borrow from my retirement account to pay off the house, the land, and the credit cards. That means you won't get half of my retirement account, but it will also get us out of debt. In exchange, I expect you to agree that any land we sell will be divided between the debt against my retirement fund, payments to a similar fund for you, and college funds for the children."

I turned my head to take a quick look at my wife. She was beginning to pay attention. She had moved her hands to the edges of the bench beside her hips and was leaning slightly forward. I could tell she was thinking. "I'll help you find a place to live. I'm sure that we can find enough furniture so you can live comfortably, but I'll not help you take on any debt before the divorce is final. After that, whatever you do is your responsibility. For the first two years, I will not ask you to pay child support. That would be like the two of us exchanging money. After that, instead of you paying child support we can adjust the amount I pay. If you get a job, the money I give you should be enough for you to manage your life."

I sat up, looked at Stephanie, and told her, "Your turn."

"You're not going to forgive me, are you?"

"If I understand forgiveness, it also means I must no longer permit the sin to affect me. If that is correct, then I cannot forgive you. I don't know if that will change, I guess it depends on what you do."

"I won't be able to afford a very large apartment or a place to live. How am I going to have room for the children when they come to visit?"

"I've thought about that. I'll finish the plumbing in the downstairs guest room and you may spend Friday and Saturday night there on the weekends you have the children."

You're not ... you're not going to have other women in my house ..."

"I don't think you have the right to ask that or know anything about my private life. You gave up that right, Stephanie."

"I mean, when I'm there ... you won't ... will you?"

"I'm going to repeat myself. When our divorce is final, I don't think you have the right to ask or know anything about my private life. That also means I have no right to know about your private life, doesn't it?"

For the next hour or so, Stephanie and I managed to discuss things that were important to both of us. I think I rather surprised her when I said I felt I was just taking care of the house for the next generation. Cindy liked the house because she had her own room and didn't have to share it with her younger sister. Troy enjoyed living far enough away from town that he and his friend could ride their dirt bikes along the trails they had created with very little trouble. However, Lulu loved the house and all the old furniture. She looked for things that needed to be done. She found loose boards on the barn, or on one of the outbuildings, and asked what size nail she should use.

We never had a very large vegetable garden, because Stephanie didn't want to take care of it and I simply didn't have time. Lulu bought a Farmer's Almanac every year, knew the dates to plant her seeds, and watched to see if they sprouted. She knew the full names of the head of the household for each generation that had lived in the house. Although her mother never liked for her to go up to the attic, when she was younger, Lulu played dress up with some of the old clothing in the wooden boxes. Now she occasionally added something she found to clothes she wore to school. Stephanie would avoid going into Lulu's room because she would leave the room sneezing after finding an old dress or blanket Lulu had brought down from the attic.

After a long discussion about finances, when I told Stephanie how much money I would give her each week until the divorce was final, I told her it was time for her to leave. She asked if she could go into the house for a few more of her things. I suggested that it might be better for her to do that later in the week when she could come to spend an evening with the children. I would leave the house for a few hours to give all four of them time together. She could get more of her clothes or other things she wanted that evening. In the meantime, I suggested she begin her search for a job and look for a suitable apartment. I'd send them a check for the security deposit and rent for the first month, after that she would have to pay her own rent.

* * * *

Monday morning I asked my boss if he could recommend a divorce lawyer. He could tell I didn't want to discuss the matter. He offered to call for the appointment then came out to tell me I had a three o'clock appointment. He shook his head and said that I didn't need to return to work after I finished my business.

Later that afternoon, I discovered that even without professional advice, I'd done a pretty good job of making financial and legal decisions for myself, Stephanie, and the children. In fact, I'd been a little more generous than necessary, but I didn't really want to change anything. I didn't know how much I could borrow from my retirement account, but even if I couldn't get enough, the bank had assured me they would work with me to make payments for the remaining balances as easy to manage as I needed.

After I'd given the attorney the information he needed, I told him I had a request I didn't think he would like, but it was what I wanted. "You've told me that I'm your client, but for, like an hour, can you forget that and talk to Stephanie and tell her what her options are?"

"You're serious about this, aren't you?"

"Yeah," I could feel my own tears gathering but I had to get through this. "I still love her. It's going to take me a long time to get over this. She's the only woman I've ever loved and I may never find another. In fact, I can't even think about looking right now. As much as she hurt me, I can't destroy her. For a lot of years she gave her full attention to me and our family and I need to give her something in return. So, yeah, can you tell her what rights she has?"

"Okay," he agreed. "However, if you will allow me to discuss a little of this with her first, I'll know better if I can honestly separate myself from acting in your behalf."

I nodded, "I understand. I'm going to caution her that she must be truthful with you or you can't help her."

"Fair enough," He agreed. "I have enough faith in my skills to tell when someone is being truthful with me. On those terms, I'll talk to her."

I stood to leave the lawyer's office, then turned back to ask, "How long does all of this take?"

"Optimally, somewhere between sixty days and four months should see you with a final divorce decree."

* * * *

I wasn't sure why I felt like I was working against such an important deadline. Or, perhaps I just wanted it over and done with so my life could settle back into a routine. I called Stephaine's sister Tina and informed her I was not going to host the annual 4th of July barbeque. Then I asked to speak to Stephanie.

"Steph, I've spent a couple of hours with a lawyer. He will talk to you and answer any question you care to ask. He's agreed to treat both of us fairly if he can satisfy himself that we are both honest with him. Do you think you can do that?"

"I guess so."

As soon as I gave her his name and telephone number, Stephanie told me, "By the way, I have a job interview tomorrow."

"That's good. How about an apartment?"

"I'm supposed to go look at one side of a duplex tonight."

"A duplex might mean you'll have to take care of a yard."

"Not this one, the owner lives in the other half and she enjoys doing that."

I could tell from the way she stopped talking and then the silence that Steph wanted to say something else. She stumbled around but finally said the duplex was part of an old house the owner had divided to generate a little income for herself. The half Stephanie would occupy was partially furnished, but the bedroom was small and there was no bed. She wanted to know if I would help her purchase a twin size bed.

I agreed, reminded her to call the lawyer, and hung up. It took me an hour or so to think about what Stephanie was telling me. I suspected she was trying to let me know that with such a narrow bed, she wouldn't be having anyone in bed with her. Of course I cared about that, but it seemed a little late for her to try to give me assurances that she was suddenly going to remember she had promised her faithfulness.

* * * *

It took me a couple of weeks to realize I was really going to be a single parent. Stephanie took all three children to her family's 4th of July barbecue. Although she invited me to go with them, I declined. I was going to lose a whole family I'd known and been comfortable with for almost eighteen years. I didn't think it was fair for people to take sides when a couple divorces, but I also knew Stephanie would be losing her other family, too.

Cindy and Lulu both decided they would enjoy going to a youth church camp instead of a camp for gymnasts. Stephanie called to complain that I was depriving the girls of spending time with their friends. I let her know it was the girl's decision and I was allowing them to do as they wished with their summer. Their coach called me several times, too. I think I finally figured out Stephanie had pushed the girls to have experiences she'd not had as a young girl and the coach would miss some of her income.

During one of those calls from the girl's gymnastic coach when I finally convinced her that the girls were dropping the class, Sharon Scott told me she had just learned that I had filed for a divorce.

She wanted to know if her husband, Allen, was the cause of our marital problems. I don't recall what I answered. It was probably some kind of non-committal statement.Maybe I asked her why she would think he had anything to do with our divorce. Sharon then apologized, assuming Allen had something to do with our separation and admitted that her husband had been involved with the mother of another student, but she thought it was only a single isolated incident until she caught Stephanie and Allen outside the gym. They were in the back of the van Sharon used to take a few students to an out-of-town competition.

According to his wife, Allen and Stephanie had taken off their shoes. Allen had taken off his shirt, Steph's blouse was unbuttoned, and the front clasp of her bra was opened. Sharon had asked her husband, but he would only admit to the single incident and said it was only oral sex. Steph had given him a blow job and Allen had fingered her to a climax. Sharon apologized for not telling me about it, but she admitted that Stephanie seldom came inside the gym. She usually dropped the girls off and picked them up later, once in a while a little late, making Sharon wait almost an hour.

By the time I learned of her dalliance with Sharon's husband, I had already filed for divorce. Other than the one drunken 'possibility' of Stephanie having stand up sex with my brother's brother-in-law, Darren, Tino Palente was the only man with whom I was certain Stephanie had had an affair. Learning about Allen Scott merely made me more determined to pursue the divorce and move on with my life.

About six weeks after the divorce was filed, Charles Jerome and Dillon invited Troy to accompany them on a three-day combination hiking and camping trip. With the girls at church camp, all of the children were gone at the same time and I was the loneliest man imaginable. There had been occasions during my marriage when all the children were gone, but I'd had Stephanie as my companion. After I had filed for divorce, there was a night or two when the children were all gone, but it was such a short time I didn't really notice I was alone.

The third night I was alone, I decided I wanted to know if I could handle myself in a situation where I might meet single women. I found three clubs, but the women were so aggressive they almost frightened me. I was home before midnight determined never to try that again.

* * * *

About two weeks before school was to resume, my lawyer called to tell me the date I was to appear in court for the final divorce decree. While contemplating about actually being a single man, my brother called to invite me to his house for supper. He suggested we schedule it for one of the evenings Stephanie would spend a weekend with Cindy, Troy, and Lulu.

Stephanie and I had finally gotten over the first awkward weekends with Stephanie trying to stay up late to talk to me when I got home. I let her know I wasn't interested. She finally got the message and stopped trying to act as if we were still husband and wife. I was willing to listen to her suggestions but where we might have previously had a discussion, I had become the decision maker regarding our children. It was a role reversal she was slowly coming to understand.

About half an hour after I arrived at my brother's house, we were sitting on his back patio waiting for the charcoal to burn down so he could put our steaks on the grill. Mark's wife, Gail, walked out to the patio to introduce her co-worker, Helen Tipton, who was also invited to supper. As soon as the women went back inside to get the steaks, I gave Mark a dirty look and he shrugged his shoulders. We played cards for a couple of hours after our meal and I left early, saying I really needed to get home. I had to work the next day.

Mid week, the day before I was due in court, Helen called my cell phone saying she had asked my sister-in-law for my number. "You felt like you were shanghaied, didn't you?"