Good and Bad

I could feel a blush, rising, unwanted, to my cheeks. Kian used his body to shield me from any more pictures as we crossed the room to our booth. Another drink, a few nibbles of an appetizer plate, snuggled beside Kian, watching the camera phone guy work at his phone.

"Y'know, he hasn't taken any more, and it doesn't look like he actually got a clear pic of either of us..." I began, softly near his ear.

"I don't think he did. I don't give a flying fuck if he did or not. I have nothing to be ashamed of or even worried about. I'm enjoying being with you very much tonight." He nuzzled under, behind my ear, making me squirm even closer to him.

He motioned to Tom's favorite girl for another round, slid his other hand between my thighs, pulled that leg up, over his, rubbing from knee to crotch, as he and Tom debated on leaving.

I barely heard Tom mention a car service and watched as he called one. Kian captured my attention, with a light kiss. My cell phone picked now to ring with the tones of my agent.

"The Addams Family theme?" Kian laughed. I grinned and nodded as I answered it. I could barely hear Kelsey over the music but I heard the important part, or thought I did.

"Say that again, Kels." I asked as we moved toward the exit, away from the music.

"Gordon is dead. He overdosed about an hour and a half ago." My phone fell to the floor, right before I did. Kian scooped me up, carrying me outside while Tom grabbed my phone and took over the conversation with Kels, following right behind.

I couldn't think. My mind was replaying from the moment I'd met Gordon, to almost now, pulling out the highlights, the good times, good memories.

I knew I was blubbering and bawling but I've been with him for fifteen years. We have our Boyo. We had a great relationship for a long time. Yeah, okay, the last year hasn't been the best. Hell, the last four haven't been the best. Did I have that niggling feeling when I left this time? I couldn't keep my brain focused.

I felt Kian put me into the hired car, felt him climb in back beside me, scoop me back into his arms and he just held on. I buried my face in his shoulder, soaking it with my tears until I cried myself to sleep. I don't remember going back to the hotel or how I ended up in Tom's suite, but I do remember waking up and seeing both of these men, and feeling grateful.

"You're awake! Are you alright?" Kian asked, sitting beside me on the rumpled bed.

"I don't know. I feel hollow, empty. He was a huge part of my life, father to my son. Once upon a time, he was a good, honorable man. A decent guy granted he had issues, but I couldn't do anything to help or change that in him."

"You can't feel guilty for this." Tom said softly, sitting on my other side.

"But I do. And I will, for a while anyway."

"You know better." Tom answered.

"I do but...and now comes the 'What if' portion of this bullshit. Ugh, I hate this." I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling handfuls in frustration. My mind was spinning at ninety miles an hour, overthinking everything. "I've got to call..."

"Your Kelsey has made all the necessary calls for you. She's quite an asset to you, and she's a good friend." Tom reassured softly. "This kind of tragedy sucks because it's pointless and selfish. And you, my girl, have way too much steel in you to crumble before it. Nothing lasts forever. This pain will fade in time. It's just so huge right now."

"Anger. I'm so angry at him for doing this, for making this choice, for choosing the drugs and booze over me and our son. I'm angry because I guess I didn't matter enough to him, for him to choose us." At this, Kian scooped me into his lap, shushing me, crooning softly.

"Being angry at him is okay. It's a little part of the healing process." Tom replied, adding his hand to Kian's as he rubbed my back. "Hang on, remember the good times."

Pictures of Gordon flashed through my mind, when we'd first met, when I'd make him laugh, his face when I gave him our son. Tears flowed freely down my face, soaking Kian's shirt again. I tried repeatedly to get myself under control, getting down to hiccups and wailing off on another fresh burst.

I heard Kian tell Tom he was taking me to his suite, felt him lift and carry me there. He set me down on his mammoth bed, watching as I flopped lifelessly on it. I heard music turn on, softly. I felt him lay down beside me, felt him curl me into him, felt safe, secure.

I know we'd been whispering, talking about something other than my humongous elephant I'd dragged into the room, when he kissed me again, just the briefest of meetings, which blazed into an inferno.

His mouth hazed my brain, focused it on him, on what my body was screaming for. His hands slid over my clothes, as mine pulled and yanked at his. His hands kneaded my breasts and tweaked at my nipples, sending heat pouring into my loins. When his mouth latched onto one of my nipples through my shirt, I succumbed, surrendered, gave in to this wanton passion.

His hands built this heat higher, hotter, more desperate, with every gentle stroke, every squeeze. I guess what they say is true grief does make you go crazy for a while, combined with the sad fact that it's been over eighteen months since Gordon had even attempted anything like making love, with me, anyway.

I don't remember clearly how we got naked, just that we did, quickly and urgently. I felt him plunge right in, sinking in to meet bones, to awaken that deep ass mystery button into a growing buzzing. His eyes stunned, watching mine, as he felt me, my cunt muscles clamping down on him.

"Dear God, you're so tight." He panted, watching me writhe in bliss beneath him. I was beyond speech, lost in this sensuousness. His mouth tortured my mouth, my throat, both my breasts as he slowly retreated, then refilled my molten hole, breaking, shattering many self-imposed chains, unleashing a new, wanton, wild woman.

My fingers streaked over his chest, finding and lightly pinching his nipples, kneading his pecs, then racing up, over his shoulders, into his hair to pull gently to bring his mouth back to mine.

His hands were everywhere, awakening long thought dead areas of my body with firm caresses, softer tracings as he made me slow down. "Easy now..." I heard him whisper in my ear as his hands were trying to gentle my shuddering body.

"...mmm, no...you don't understand...mmm, eighteen months..." I groaned, aching and burning for him to take me, just take me, as wildly as possible. "...take me...please..." I pulled at him, maybe not so gently but he got the picture. His soft, sweet mouth nipped at my throat, while his hands grabbed and tugged and his cock slammed.

Surges of an evergasm flowed through me in powerful waves, arching me against him, bucking in time with his thrusts. Growls, snarls alternated with purrs and moans, with a couple of thumps and laughter as our passionate frenzy rolled us off the bed.

I straddled him, gazing down to see him, rubbing his shoulder where he'd bounced it off the nightstand. I knew the stars I was seeing were from the new dent in my forehead and not from the intensity of his roughened love making.

"You okay?" He asked, reaching for my breast. I nodded, watching his hand swallow my c cup, adding a purr when he rolled my nipple between his fingers. I braced my palms on his chest, lifting my hips, moving on him, rising and falling on him as his mouth took that sensitized, aching nipple and sucked.

I was losing myself in him, wallowing in his expert ministrations. His hands knew where to touch to make me arch this way or that, how hard to grip my hips and rock me.

I rode another wave of orgasm as he rolled us again, tangling us in the blankets but still pounding his cock hard into me, driving me even higher. As this wave crested, hovered at the crashing point, I wound myself around him, entwining my legs in his, wrapping my arms around his massive chest.

I watched through barely cracked eyes as he furiously thrust his cock, as the crest shattered, as my cunt clamped down on his pulsing cock, as this climax caught him, brought his without warning, bringing a fearsome howl from deep in his throat.

He was warm and heavy and I didn't give a flying fuck if he was crushing me, I didn't want him to move, didn't want anything more than to stay right where I was, feeling his heart pounding, galloping against my smooshed breast. I felt his arms tighten around me just before he rolled us over onto our sides.

"...sorry, but you'd stopped breathing..." he mumbled in my hair. I buried my face in the strong column of his throat, feeling his scruffy chin rasp along my forehead just as I drifted off.

Knocking at the door woke us. Kian rose slowly, wrapping the loose sheet haphazardly around his legs as he padded sleepily to answer it. I sat up, my eyes just rising above the edge of the bed, seeing Tom talking softly, handing Kian my phone and all my stuff from my room. I watched Kian nod, shake Tom's hand and shift my bag o'shit to close the door after Tom.

"You've had thirty seven calls." He said sitting down on the bed. I crawled up beside him, leaning against his warmth with a small shiver.

I took the phone he handed me, glaring angrily at it for the awful news it had given me last night before opening it and seeing the list of family and friends that had called.

"I really don't want to deal with this right now." I said sullenly, tossing it onto the nightstand. His arm came around me, snuggling me close and dropping a kiss onto my hair.

"Hungry?"

"A little." I looked up to see him, eyebrow cocked looking down at me as if he knew I was full of shit and ravenously starving. "The travelling has royally screwed up my entire system."

"Aah, been there. Hotel food is okay but not something to live off of. Me, I'm starving so I'm ordering breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee, the whole hog, so you can nibble if you feel like it."

In a couple of minutes he'd ordered a mountain of food from room service and was leaning back against the headboard, lounging. I'd slithered up beside him, resting my cheek on his ribs, listening to the gurgling and rumbling in his stomach. "I can feel you grinning. What's so funny?"

"The noises your stomach's making."

"That's just because it's empty."

"I can almost hear it begging for food." I teased, glancing up to see him smile.

"Can you now?" he teased back, sliding his arms around me and sliding me up along his side so we were face to face. I couldn't help but grin back at him.

"I did. It was pleading, 'Send down some meat, man. I'm empty.'"

"Handling wild women takes a lot out of a man."

"Does it now? Hmmm, I'll have to remember that." I purred, trailing my fingertip along his throat.

I heard the soft sigh he let out, brought my eyes back to his. What I saw had my heart tripping over itself. Warmth, lust, need and a deep desire to protect warred with his need for independence, freedom.

I saw the war of 'I need my new freedom, my single ness' and 'Dear God, I've never had anyone, anything like this, don't let me fuck it up' as clear as day in those amber caramel pools. I knew that feeling very well as I was kind of feeling something like it, something wonderful mixed viciously with heat and anger until it bubbled up and over.

A discreet knock brought that confounding, confusing moment to a grateful close. Still swaddled in the sheet, Kian opened the door, letting in the room service attendant pushing a cart loaded with domed plates. He set it up on the table by the windows in a blink and whisked himself and the cart back outside.

I joined Kian at the table as he poured out coffee, instantly feeling ravenous as the scents overwhelmed me. Waffles and eggs, bacon, ham and sausages, warm blueberry muffins and cinnamon sticky buns, enough to feed a small army was arrayed in front of me. I was helpless not to grab a still steaming muffin and break it open. That was all it took, I inhaled.

"Didn't think a little slip of a thing like you could put away that much, been off your feed a while?" Kian teased, sipping at his coffee.

"...well, yeah...about three and a half weeks actually." I answered, scooping some scrambled eggs onto my plate while munching a slice of bacon. "First tour for me. You're probably used to all the travelling and time zone changes."

"Just wait until you go overseas, I'm almost afraid you'd come home a walking skeleton. Overseas hotel food would be even worse for you." He snickered, snagging the last sausage from the plate.

Maybe he didn't realize it, but I'd caught it. 'Come home.' Such a simple non-threatening phrase. I almost hoped he meant it but for right now, I let it slide, munching contentedly on another slice of bacon.

"Oh, I don't think it'd be so bad. I've been through the British Isles a few times already. I've family in London, Dublin and other ports over there. My cousins would get me stuffed like a prized hog if they could." I grinned.

"Pray they don't send you to Beijing. That place was amazing but way too overcrowded and over showy, all neons and flashing lights." We chatted over a lingering carafe of coffee, taking turns describing some of the places we've seen through the world. "Although, I really enjoyed Sydney, there's no place like home." I saw a cloud slide into his eyes, as he was remembering his last home coming and the devastating news that surprised him then.

"Sorry..."

"S'ok, it still hurts but not as bad as it did when it happened. You'll figure that out in the days ahead." He said, taking my hand in his.

Thoughts of Gordon came unbidden and unwelcome to my mind, bringing a deep, stabbing ache. I blinked away unwanted tears, seeing his face before me and wishing to see Kian's instead. His warm hand anchored me there, in that moment, blinking Gordon's rare joyful smile away and clearing to focus on Kian's amber whiskey pools of commiseration. "I don't know if you remember from last night..."

"I do." I answered shortly, barely controlling the urge to reshatter into those kajillion pieces he'd stuck back together last night, this morning.

"I'm so sorry for your loss and if you ever want to talk, mine and Tom's number are in your phone. I'm kind of hoping you'll call just to talk to me..."

"You can bet on that." I said with a grin that made him smile again.

"Want to join me for a shower?" he asked, rising from the table, letting the sheet pool around his feet.

I remember my mouth going dry as the sheet fell, and then filling with drool as I gazed at him, naked, proud and hard as iron. Warm water, his hands, his cock, the mind shattering orgasm he thrust me through.

Within twenty four hours, I was back in Alabama, making funeral arrangements, flight arrangements and all and sundry to do when somebody passes in any fashion. As friends and family, from near and far, arrived for the ceremony, I kept the memories of him close, leaning on them when the whole pile of shit got too much, especially after Gordon's twin sister raged on how Gordon's overdose was all my fault and so on and so forth, in the middle of the wake.

Boyo had just gotten home and heard his aunt wailing and carrying on and lit into her, throwing the truth into her unbelieving face with force. I watched open mouthed, gaping, as my son went up one side of his aunt and down the other until she turned on her heel in a huff and left, still believing in placing the blame on my head and shoulders. Kelsey stood beside me, watching him spew and vent and when she left, began a rousing standing ovation.

That was when I saw Kian fill the doorway with Tom leading him in. They both came in, said a few whispered words of condolence to Boyo and then moved to me. The hugs I received from Tom, then Kian, were like energy boosts that warmed me to my toes.

Kelsey thanked them both for being there when she couldn't have been and she and Tom headed off to the buffet. Kian held my hand as he stood beside me, letting me lean against him here and there. Every so often, he'd ask if I was okay, or if I needed anything, I'd nod or shake my head, wishing we were anywhere but here.

Once the last mourners were finally thanked and hugged and Boyo, myself, Kelsey, Tom and Kian were left, did I finally sit down amidst the detritus of this wake.

"So Mom, how and why are Kian McDaniels and Tom Chaney, here at my father's wake?" Boyo asked, looking back and forth between them.

"They were with me in Chicago when I got the call. They took care of me." I answered simply.

"Thank you both for taking care of my mother. I appreciate it. Knowing my mom, she would've been a mess alone." Boyo stated, shaking both their hands, like the young gentleman I'd tried my best to raise.

"You're quite welcome. Your mom is an amazing woman with deep veins of steel you should be very proud of, son." Tom said, taking my hand and raising it to his lips. I gave him a sad smile filled with gratitude in return. Kian's hand held mine still, drawing the Boyo's notice. "We'll be heading out tonight for Nashville. If you need anything, call, alright?"

"I will and thank you." I said, rising from the table to lead them to the door. A hug for Tom before he went out and from Kian, a sweeping dip and a long, deep kiss.

"Call me anyway." He growled against my mouth as he let me loose. My heart thudded in my chest, my loins burned for him as I watched him walk out to the waiting limo.

"That wasn't any condolence kiss I've ever seen." Kelsey said softly from behind me.

"No, it wasn't but we'll talk later." I answered just as softly. She nodded, disappearing into the kitchen.

Just me and the Boyo now. I saw the travel wear in the shadows under his eyes, saw the grief and anger simmering under the surface. I slid my arms around his broad shoulders and rested my head on him.

"I'm not sorry he's gone, Mom. I'm almost glad. These last few years..."

"I know Boyo, I know."

"Now, we're both free." I felt him snuggle against me, like he had as a small wee one. "So, what's the deal with Kian? He was holding your hand...and the kiss? C'mon, Mom...tell me."

"I already did. Partly." I told him how Kian had dumped me in the pool, making him laugh. I told him how both Tom and Kian had taken me out to dinner and were dancing my feet off when I got the call.

"You were pretty lucky to have them the other night."

"Yes, yes I was. And I'm grateful."

"Do you think you'll see him again?"

"I don't know. I'm going to grieve and get over it and figure out what steps I need to take. You, get to go back to school and focus on that. I'm a tough chick, remember?"

"Yeah, I know. My mom's the toughest chick on the planet. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow's going to suck." I watched as he trudged upstairs, his shoulders looking like he was carrying the world on them. I meandered through the first floor, collecting trash, cups, plates, locking the doors before I climbed the stairs myself.

I should've figured Kelsey would be waiting in my room, with a bottle of wine and her decadent chocolate chunk cookies.

"Alright, get in your jammies and give me all the deets." She pounced as I crossed the threshold. I surrendered, sliding the long black shapeless shift to the floor and slipping into one of my favorite nightgowns. I took the glass of wine she held out and climbed under my covers with her snuggled right beside me.

In hushed whispers, I told her everything and watched her eyes grow humongous.

"It's Fate with a capital F." she grinned when I finished.

"Fate?" I asked, sleepily sipping.

"Yes, Fate put him there to catch you and for you to catch him. He's just started the proceedings to split up all his shit for the impending divorce and he's just as vulnerable as you right now."

"So, what is your plan, oh great and powerful wizardess?" I yawned, setting my glass on my nightstand.