Gorilla and the Metalhead Pt. 13

Pete wrapped his arms around Carlos. "Fuck, dude, I'm so sorry. I got here as quick as I could."

Carlos smelled Pete's scent. "I know."

Pete held Carlos in his arms. "Do you need some company tonight?"

Carlos nodded. "I don't want to be alone."

Adahlia asked the staff to lock the building. She and Pete helped Carlos stagger towards Pete's van. The three of them drove towards Carlos's apartment. He couldn't stop crying, and he felt cold to the bone. It felt like a terrible nightmare that he couldn't wake up from.

Carlos felt like he'd been teleported from Eternal to his apartment. He couldn't remember any of the journey. He felt completely numb, like he wasn't even occupying his own body.

They helped him inside, and Pete microwaved a mug of milk for Carlos to sip. Adahlia sat next to Carlos on his couch, tenderly stroking his face and hair. "I'm so sorry, Carlos. We both are."

Carlos looked at the floor. "I know," he whispered. "Thank you. It means a lot to me." He paused, trying to organise his thoughts. "I can't believe this has happened."

Pete and Adahlia looked at each other, tears running down their cheeks in sympathy for Carlos. Neither of them could believe it either. They didn't know Gorilla well, but they knew how important he was to Carlos, and they each knew what it felt like to live through the unexpected passing of someone close. Adahlia rubbed Carlos's back. She wasn't sure what else she could do. "We're here for as long as you need us, Carlos."

Carlos nodded in understanding. "He was working so hard," he said through sobs. "I don't know what happened today, but he was meant to be in Atlanta by lunchtime. I kept checking my phone, because he said he was gonna message me when he arrived. He'd planned to take some vacation time here to unwind and relax, and I half-expected him to show up tonight at Eternal for a few beers to celebrate his downtime."

The realisation that he'd never see Gorilla in the flesh again began to seep in, and he doubled over in emotional agony.

The tears wouldn't stop.

"I loved him." He wasn't talking to anyone except himself. "I never told him, but it's too late now. I should've told him."

Nobody said a word. Everyone was lost in their own thoughts.

Eventually, Carlos looked up at Pete. "How's Ace?"

"He's good," Pete answered. "He stayed with me on Friday night after the gig, and we texted last night."

"I'm glad for you," Carlos whispered, and he meant it. "But promise me one thing."

"Anything," Pete replied. "What is it?"

"When you're sure in your heart that you love him, tell him."

Pete tried to smile, though it wasn't easy. "I will."

The night was long and sombre. Pete and Adahlia stayed with Carlos until dawn broke. They each hugged Carlos tightly before taking their leave. As the sun rose, exhaustion eventually took its toll, and he fell into a deep, black, cavernous, dreamless sleep.

Monday's sun arced across the sky, but Carlos woke as it set. He forced himself to eat a few scraps of food, though his appetite had disappeared.

He took his acoustic guitar out onto his balcony.

*

In the days that followed, Carlos made no attempt to contact anyone in Gorilla's family. He scanned the local Wilmington newspaper online and found a notification for Gorilla's memorial service. He paid his own quiet respects in his own quiet way, but he didn't contemplate attending. He guessed it would be painful enough for his family and friends to process his untimely passing, and he didn't want to make things more difficult for them than they already were by showing up unknown and unannounced.

He knew what he needed to do.

Two weeks later, he rented a car and drove north. He wanted to talk with Gorilla one last time. The weather was fine and skies were clear when he left, but thick, grey clouds gathered in the distance as he approached his destination. He knew where Gorilla was buried, and it was easy enough for him to find the cemetery with his GPS, but it took some time on foot for him to find the exact spot in the graveyard where Gorilla's weary bones lay.

He wore a black suit with a black tie. His fingernails were painted black.

He kneeled down and started a conversation, choking back tears. A thin mist had begun to fall from the darkening sky, dampening the grass. There was nobody else around, and it was deathly quiet.

"Hey, big guy," he started. "I really miss you. I don't really know what to say right now, to be honest, but I ... I mean ... I don't know ..."

Tears flowed like a flooded river, and Carlos's heart finally disintegrated. "Fuck, dude, what fucking happened that day? I don't understand. Why did you die? Why did you leave me? Where are you? Where have you gone?"

The grave yielded no answers.

The rain became slightly heavier, and Carlos threw his damp mane away from his face. "I should've told you that I loved you, Gorilla. I should've tried to have that conversation with you. I thought you'd be here for longer than you were. I thought I had more time. I knew your job was dangerous and I knew it was wearing you down, but I never thought you'd fucking die."

He paused, wiping away tears, struggling to breathe. "I'll never know if you thought of me the same way, but it was so fucking hard for me to find the right words. I'd never loved anyone else as much as I loved you apart from my own mom. Other than her, I've never told anyone else that I loved them, but I wanted to tell you ... you were the first ... I should've been braver ... dude, I can't stop crying ... I feel so alone right now ... please come back ..."

He knew Gorilla wasn't coming back.

The rain intensified. "Do you remember the night we first met? In the roadhouse toilet block?"

Despite the intense sadness he was feeling, Carlos chucked to himself. "That was a strange situation, wasn't it? Me, walking in to take a piss and finding you taking a shit in a cubicle that didn't have a door? And then me spending the night in your rig? It's funny now, but it wasn't at the time. You scared me. I felt intimidated by you, but I rode with it, because it was just anonymous sex, and I never expected to see you again."

His mind fast-forwarded in time as the rain became heavier. "And then, a few months later, my band was playing in Atlanta one night, and if I remember right, you had to spend a layover because someone in your office fucked up, and we hooked up again?" He sniffed. "I noticed you in the crowd while we were playing, and I think you waited for me after the show. I still thought you were a jerk, but I was horny, and I wanted you to fuck me again. And if I recall correctly, you were completely OK with that."

He smiled through the tears. "We had some great sex, didn't we? I remember the time you fucked me so hard in a bathroom cubicle that the door fell off. And I remember when you fucked me up against the stage at a gig. You were standing behind me that night and the band were so loud we couldn't talk, and I had to type messages on my phone screen for you to read. Remember that? And I also remember giving you a footjob at a café while I was eating pancakes with ice cream, and you came inside your pants. Fuck, that was funny."

He smiled as the sweet memories passed through his mind. He paused and sucked in some deep breaths. He tilted his head towards the black sky and drank the rain. "We had great sex, but we had so much more. You were my best friend, Gorilla, and I felt safe with you. I felt protected, I felt valued and I felt accepted. I'll never know whether you loved me the same way I loved you, but it felt to me like you did. I felt like I mattered to you in some kind of deep and unexplainable way, and that I made your life better, which is exactly how I felt about you. You made my life better, and you mattered to me. And it's still so hard to believe you're gone."

He paused. "I loved getting to know you, and I loved some of the deep conversations we had. You were so understated, but in your own subtle ways, you made me feel so fucking special. I loved talking with you, it felt like you enjoyed spending time with me, and I feel fortunate to have spent some time out on the wide, open road with you. But the memory of you that will stick in my head forever was the night we were lying in a hotel bed watching a movie. We were watching 'Evil Dead', we ordered room service, you wrapped your arm around me, and I snuggled into your chest. Do you remember? I mean, there we were, watching a scary movie, but I'll never forget how peaceful and safe I felt that night lying next to you. It felt like we were the only two people in the universe. I should've told you that night that I loved you. It would've been the truth, and it still is."

The rain became torrential, but Carlos refused to move from Gorilla's grave. He wasn't finished yet.

"Before I go, I've got something for you." He stood up, opened the guitar case he'd brought with him, and propped his precious Ibanez RG guitar up against Gorilla's tombstone. He wedged a plectrum in between the strings and watched as heavy drops of rain streaked down the fretboard. "This is for you. l want you to have my axe. I tuned it up for you before I left home. Wherever you are right now ..."

Carlos was crying so hard he nearly choked. He couldn't finish his thought. His shoulders were slumped and his head was bowed. He was soaked to the skin.

He placed both hands on the top of Gorilla's tombstone.

"Adiós para siempre, mi amor."

He turned and walked slowly back to his car. The rain pelted down forever.