Grand Rapids Girl Ch. 01

Today is Wednesday. This means I only have to make it 6 more days to see Sarah. I take a deep breath. I can do this.

:: Perf, I'm off work on Tuesday! See you then <33

Having replied to Sarah, it's probably time to eat. I don't feel particularly hungry, but I never do when I'm upset, and I know it'll only get worse if I don't put something other than coffee in my system. I wander over to the fridge and find some leftover veggies and rice. Thank fuck for past Maddie. I do not feel like cooking right now.

The late afternoon sunlight peeks through a south-facing window -- one of the better features of my diminutive one-room living space (unless you count the tiny bathroom, that is). It may not be much, but at least it's safe and feels like home. The microwave dings, indicating that my food is warmed up, and I take it over to the table by the window. I am picking at my bowl and watching the street below, amused by someone failing at parallel parking when my phone vibrates. Sarah must be bored.

In reality, it's a messge from Luke. No way, he actually texted me!

:: Hello! Is this that barista from my new favorite coffee shop?

I want to reply immediately but I restrain myself, not wanting to appear desperate or constantly glued to my phone. Even if, admittedly, both of those things might be true to an extent. I spend the next few minutes trying to convince myself not to reply at all. Eventually my baser urges win out.

:: The coffee isn't THAT good... is this my new favorite customer who tips 90% on an americano??

Not that I'm complaining. Although I might prefer a different sort of tip from him...

:: The coffee is okay but their staff is worth coming back for. By the way, they really ought to make you wear one of those warning signs that say "CAUTION: CONTENTS HOT." They might get sued one day!

I find myself grinning stupidly at my phone screen. Another messages comes in.

:: If that's too forward then I've already blown it, so I might as well ask... do you want to go out sometime?

Well, he certainly doesn't waste any time. I can only imagine what that means if things move ahead. There's a lot to be said for a man who knows what he wants, as long as he doesn't get too pushy. There I go again, getting ahead of myself.

I'm still dubious that he'll want anything to do with me after he finds out I'm a trans woman. Is it best to tell him in person or over text? What would I want if I was in his position right now?

:: I'd like that. But before we make plans, there's something you should know about me...

His reply comes promptly.

:: ... You're gay? Somehow I always find the gay girls lol. That's cool if you are tho

My palm smacks my forehead. Moment of truth.

:: Lol. No. I like men. The thing is, well... I'm actually a trans girl.

I can't stand the anticipation so I put my phone face down on the table. Turns out it's a good thing I haven't eaten much today, because I'm certain it would be coming back up right now. In the end I'm glad I didn't do this in person, as I don't think I could bear to watch him process this information in real time.

I watch the city beneath me for a little while and begin to think I'm stupid for even texting him back. After what feels like several hours he replies.

:: Oh wow... I honestly had no idea

Ugh. I should have known better than to think he might take it well.

:: Yeahh... if you don't want to do that date anymore, I understand. You don't have to keep texting me either. I'm sorry.

With that I get up from the table and bring my bowl back to the kitchen. I can't bring myself to eat any more as what little appetite I had seems to have evaporated entirely. I put the food away and meander to the drawer where I keep my stash of weed. With a million thoughts racing through my mind I manage to roll a modest joint, then take my lighter and ashtray back over to the window with me.

In a few minutes, life itself is passing me by on the city block below. The joint shrinks with every puff, the smoke in my lungs delivering sweet relaxation directly to my bloodstream. A shiver runs down my spine upon exhaling.

There are two pigeons on the roof across from me, chasing each other around in a song and dance that only they can understand. I watch them, listening to all of the sounds of Grand Rapids; the traffic going past, the light breeze, faint conversations on the sidewalk, and the distant music playing through a neighbor's open window. Anything to distract me from the dark thoughts lurking among the stupid worms in my stupid brain.

I remind myself that it's easy to be dissatisfied but worthwhile to count my blessings. If this is all I ever get out of life, I suppose it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe I'm just coping, I don't know. I grind the filter out in the ashtray and breathe deeply. Finally I gain the nerve to lift my phone from the table.

Luke texted me back. Twice. But why?

:: Wait no, don't be sorry. Thanks for telling me this, I realize it must have been a leap of faith for you. I won't lie, this is all new to me and it'll probably take some learning and figuring out... so I can't make any promises. But what I do know is that I think you're cute as hell, and that hasn't changed

:: Are you free tomorrow?

Next thing I know I am in my bed, sobbing like a 14 year old who just got dumped at the middle school dance. My heart isn't broken though -- in fact I can hardly remember a time when it felt so full.

This has to be some kind of sick joke. Surely he can't be accepting me, just like that? Beyond that, surely he doesn't still want to pursue anything with me? I am sincerely baffled at his proposition and a part of me is unwilling to believe that it's genuine, perhaps incapable. Yet my spirit is soaring to the moon. Sniffling, I text him back.

:: You're serious? This isn't a joke, right??

:: It's not a joke, Madeline. I want to take you out!

Big sigh. In the back of my mind there remains this possibly irrational fear that I'm going to meet up with him and be murdered. But I have already seen that he's being earnest and my intuition tells me that's true.

:: Thanks for being sweet. I'm free tomorrow 😊

:: No need to thank me, I want to see where this goes. Wanna meet for lunch at Brooklyn Bodega? 12PM?

That's just a couple blocks from my apartment. I could easily walk over there.

:: That sounds perfect! I'd love to!

:: Great, I'll see you then

I catch myself rereading the text thread, wondering if I have missed something. Do I have a date tomorrow? With a cute guy?? A cute guy who knows I'm trans and doesn't seem bothered??? Sure enough the messages read the same after the second, third, fourth time. After such a rollercoaster of emotions I pretty much feel sober again, but I'm okay with that.

Oh shit. What am I going to wear tomorrow?

TO BE CONTINUED