Grandpa's Guide to Girls Pt. 01

Ben and his Grandfather Frank are not just family - they are friends. That's why Ben turned to his Grandpa when he needed advice on how to relate to girls. Ben was interested in what Frank said; you will be too. All characters in this three-part story are adults over 18 years old.

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My parents were old-fashioned. They didn't let me go on dates until I was 16, and even then I could only go on group dates to places like the skating rink, or parties at the houses of friends. I wasn't allowed to go out with girls unchaperoned until after I turned 18. It was a relief, because for a long time I'd wanted to date a good friend of mine named Bethany. Everybody called her Beth.

I liked Beth, and I thought she liked me. Since I'd never asked a girl on a date, I wanted some advice, but that wasn't the kind of thing I liked discussing with my Dad. I love my Dad, and he's a good guy, but he wasn't someone I wanted to talk to about girls.

I felt more comfortable discussing it with Grandpa Frank. From the time I was a little kid, Grandpa always listened to what I had to say and treated me like someone he respected. He and Grandma Mary lived three houses down, so anytime I wanted to see him I'd just walk over and see if he was in his workshop. Grandpa had a great workshop full of every kind of tool you can imagine. It had a wood burning stove and a big stack of magazines on stuff like hunting and fishing. Sometimes I'd go over there and just read magazines with him.

"I need some advice, Grandpa," I said.

"Well Ben, I'm getting dumber every day, but I'll do my best," he said. "I hope you don't want to know what I had for breakfast or where I left my car keys. We'll have to ask your Grandma if you want to talk about that."

Grandpa was good at making me laugh. He liked to pretend he was getting senile, but Grandpa was the sharpest guy I've ever known. He had an answer for everything.

"I want to ask Beth out on a date, but I don't know how," I said.

"Hmm. Well, that can be a problem, Ben. I'm guessing that you must like this Beth, right?"

"I've always liked her," I said. "I've liked her since we met in middle school. Yeah, I like her a lot."

"Good to know," Grandpa said. "Does she like you?"

I wasn't sure what to say. "I think so, but I'm not sure," I said. "I don't feel like I'm any good at knowing what she's thinking."

"That's a valuable insight, Ben," Grandpa said. "Don't expect that to ever change. I've been married to your Grandma for almost 40 years, and I still don't know what she's thinking. If you can avoid fooling yourself into believing you know what a woman thinks, it will save you a lot of pain and heartache in the future."

"What should I say when I ask her out? I don't know what to do," I said.

"The truth is always best. Say something like this: 'Beth, I've liked you since we were in middle school. I like you a lot. Now that I'm 18, my parents say I can go out on dates, and the only person I want to go out with is you.' How does that sound?"

"That's it?"

"Well, you might throw in a few of the reasons you like her. Why Beth instead of some other girl?" Grandpa asked.

That puzzled me. I never thought about it.

"She's smart. She is always kind to people. I like hearing what she thinks. She's hot. I guess that's basically it," I said.

"If I were you, I'd skip the part about how she's a hottie, Ben," Grandpa Frank said. "Girls like to be told they're hot, but not until after you've gone out on several dates. Throw in the part about how you admire her because she's smart, she's kind to people, and you always enjoy hearing what she has to think."

That seemed too simple to me. I was looking for something a lot cleverer. "Are you sure that's going to work?" I asked.

"Nope, not one bit. I don't know this girl at all. She may not like you as much as you think she does. But you're going to ask a lot of girls on dates in the next few years, and a lot of them are going to say no.

"When that happens, the best thing to do is recognize that when a girl says no, she's doing you a favor. It helps you avoid wasting time. It tells you to move on to the next girl. There are plenty of girls who'd love to go out with you. Devote your time to them. For the love of God, don't ever become one of those saps who falls for a specific girl and can't be happy without her. Chase the girls who want to be caught."

I still thought I needed a more elaborate way of asking Beth out, but I couldn't think of one. I asked Grandpa what I should ask her to do. "A good first date is to take her to a funny movie, then go out for coffee or a burger afterward. That way, as you're sipping your coffee and talking afterward, it's easy to avoid those awkward silences you sometimes get on first dates. Any time the conversation lags, you can talk about the parts of the movie that you thought were especially funny."

It didn't seem to me that Grandpa had answered my questions very well, but I didn't have any better ideas, so I did exactly what he suggested. To my great relief, Beth agreed to see a movie with me. The movie was hilarious, and we laughed a lot as we talked about it afterward. But the best part was that Beth kissed me on the cheek when I drove her home, and she told me . . . wait for it . . . that she hoped we could go out again sometime! Woo hoo!!

I had to brag to Grandpa Frank.

"It worked! It worked exactly the way you said it would! How did you know it would work?" I asked.

"I didn't know it would work. What I do know is that people like to be treated with respect. When you are honest with someone, it shows that you respect them enough to think they deserve the truth, and that they are smart enough to know when someone is bullshitting them. Movies get it completely backward. They always show some slick, clever guy dazzling women with clever witticisms. The only women who go for that nonsense are idiots you should avoid. Just be honest. Works almost every time."

"What should I do next?"

"It doesn't matter much. The only thing that matters is that you let her know you like spending time with her. You shouldn't take her to another movie because you don't want her to think you're boring. But you could do any of the standard stuff. Your Grandma likes going on hikes. Do you know if Beth has a sturdy pair of shoes? Ask her.

"Your Grandma also likes going bowling, mainly because she always beats me. The only essential thing is that after you do whatever you do, you need to sit down and have a nice talk. And when I say talk, what I mean is that you let her do the talking, and you do the listening. Keep your mouth shut and your ears open as much as possible."

Keep my mouth shut? "Grandpa, you are confusing me," I said.

"Good. Women can be confusing. Here's the simplified version. Women absolutely love it when a man listens to what they have to say. Maybe it's because so many men ignore women's thoughts. I can absolutely guarantee that if you make sure Beth knows you genuinely care about things she says, she will love that."

"That's it? Just listen?"

"Ben, most men spend so much time talking about themselves that women often feel invisible. Men brag about their cars, or how great they did playing some football game, or how often they go to the gym, or some other boring bullshit. Girls get tired of listening to that crap.

"When you are out with Beth, and you get her to talk about herself, she might decide she's hogging the conversation and try to get you talking about yourself. Do not fall for that. It's a trap. Say as little as possible about yourself, then steer the conversation back to her.

"Just do whatever you can to make absolutely sure Beth figures out you care about everything she has to say. Trust me, that is the one thing all women want."

That made sense to me. I would have never figured it out myself, but Grandpa Frank explained it in a way that I understood.

But he wasn't done.

"Before you go out with this girl again, there's something else we should talk about, Ben. There's one thing about Beth that I know you haven't mentioned."

". . . I don't know what that could be," I said.

"I do. You haven't mentioned what you really want from Beth. You aren't dying to have someone to take to the movies or take on a hike. You want a girlfriend. And by girlfriend, I mean you want to hold her hand. You want to put your arm around her shoulders. You want to kiss her. Ben, you've spent a lot of time thinking about what Beth looks like naked, right?"

I think I must have blushed. Grandpa didn't laugh, but it looked like he wanted to. "Ben, this is nothing to be shy about. You aren't a kid anymore. You are now an adult. You want to have an adult relationship. Would you like to know how to make that happen?"

"More than anything," I said.

"There's a trick to it, Ben," Grandpa said. "You can bet that Beth probably wants the very same thing you want. And you can bet that she has no idea how to make that happen. And you can bet that she's counting on you to figure it out. So this is what you do.

"The next time you go out, after you've been talking for a while, look for an opportunity to put your hand right next to hers. Don't touch her hand - just get as close as you can. If she moves her hand away, that means she's not ready to hold hands. But I'll bet you she doesn't move a muscle, and that means she wants you to take her hand."

"In school they say I'm supposed to ask permission before I do anything like that," I said.

"You should have figured out before now that a lot of the stuff they tell you in school is a crock of shit," Grandpa said. "Women hate it when men spend a lot of time asking for permission. Besides, there's no good reason for a girl to refuse to hold your hand; why would you want to give her a chance to think about it and say no? Just take her damn hand! If she doesn't like it, she'll let you know. But I'm pretty sure Beth will be glad that you had the courage to just take her hand without having a big negotiation. It will make her think you're a man, not a pussy."

"That's it? That's all I do?" I asked.

"God no! That's just the first step of a long journey, Ben," Grandpa said. "What you should do is hold her hand on a couple of dates. Give her a chance to enjoy it for a while. Have fun with it. After you've held hands long enough for it to become familiar, look for a chance to put your arm around her shoulders. Don't ask permission. Just sit close to her long enough to make sure she's comfortable, then do it.

"After you do that for a while, look for an opportunity to pull her closer, and when you do that give her a kiss. On the lips, I mean. Be nice about it. A girl's first kiss is a big deal. Don't slobber on her. And I'm not talking about French kissing. Do NOT stick your tongue in her mouth the first time you kiss her! I'm talking about good old-fashioned American kissing.

"Every time you start something new, just keep doing it for a few more dates. Enjoy the process. Enjoy how it feels for your relationship to grow deeper. Are you following me, Ben?"

"Sure Grandpa. Take is slow. One step at a time. I'm a little nervous about doing this stuff without permission," I said.

"Don't be nervous about that," Grandpa said. "Ben, when people ask women what qualities they like in men, the thing they mention most is confidence. And by confidence, the main thing they mean is they like men who take charge. They like dancing with a man who isn't afraid to confidently lead them around the dance floor. They like going out with a man who tells them where he wants them to go and what he wants them to do. And they like men who don't sit back and wait for permission to become physically intimate. It's absolutely true that you should have Beth's consent to do this stuff, but you don't need to ask for consent.

"If Beth agrees to hold your hand for a while, you can assume you have her consent to put your arm around your shoulder. There isn't much difference, right? If she lets you do that for a while, you can assume you have her consent to pull her close and kiss her. And on and on and on. Just don't be a jackass, and it will be fine."

"Don't be a jackass. Got it," I said.

"That should keep you busy for a few weeks," Grandpa said. "Enjoy yourself. Do whatever you can do to make it as enjoyable as possible for Beth.

"The last thing I want to mention is that after you've done all these things, the next step will be French kissing. Judging by what's on TV these days, I'm guessing you know everything you need to know about French kissing. When you feel you're ready to try that with Beth, just don't overdo it. Girls hate it when guys try to stick their tongues down their throats. Go slow. Especially at first.

"And know this: things will start to change after you and Beth start French kissing. When that happens, feel free to come back here and talk to me. I can give you some suggestions about what you should do next. Does all this make sense?"

"Sure, Grandpa," I said. "I'm surprised how simple this is. I never would have known this without hearing it from you, but I see why it makes sense."

"Ben, I hope it works for you. I know you're going to run into some surprises in your future dealings with women," Grandpa said. "If not with Beth, then with the next girl. Or the next one. Your best bet is to make it your priority to do what the girl wants. And you can bet that most girls want the same thing you do."

The next few weeks were wonderful. I could tell that Beth liked it when I took her hand. She liked to hold hands all the time, even when we were driving somewhere. The first time I put my arm around her shoulders, she leaned into me in a way that let me know she was glad I did it. And the first time we kissed? Wow. Just wow. After a while all we wanted to do was kiss, and kiss, and kiss some more.

Then, one night when I got particularly excited, I surprised myself by giving Beth a French kiss.

It wasn't much. Just the tip of my tongue brushed her lips. But OH MY GOD! I felt like I'd been struck by lightning. Beth reacted the same way. She returned the kiss even more soulfully, and before I realized what was happening, we were holding each other tight and Frenching and Frenching and Frenching.

Grandpa was right. That was the night things changed between me and Beth. From that moment on, I could barely keep my hands off of her, and she welcomed every touch.

"I am so happy," she said. "I'm glad this is happening between us."

"I am too," I said. "Beth, I think about you all the time. You are the first thing I think about when I wake up, and you're what I think about when I go to sleep."

"Me too, Ben," she said. "Me too."

I felt great when I took Beth home that night. We kissed in the car because we didn't want her parents looking out the window and watching when we kissed goodnight. "I can't wait to see you again," I said.

"The sooner, the better," she said.

I felt so good I had a hard time concentrating on the drive home. It took a long time before I could calm down enough to sleep. I knew I needed to see Beth as soon as possible.

I knew one other thing. I needed to talk to Grandpa Frank.

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Don't you wish you'd had a grandfather like Frank? What do you suppose he'll tell Ben next? Find out in Chapter 2.