Griff's Grief

"Dougie, you fat shite, you owe me a hundred pounds, you lost the bet," Mary laughed.

"Mary Doll, okay, I'll give it to lover boy... This has taken up too much of our festivities. Pete has some dancing to do, so I'll ring off and have a chat with our little fish. He can ring you back and grovel, make him suffer, see you my lovely."

Dougie laughed so loud that he shook the screens between the booths with Pete and the four heavies laughing along with him. They all shuffled in to join them sitting in the booth with their drinks, Pete shuffled along patting Griff on the back, as if he'd won first prize.

Griff sat there, trying to work out how Mary was in on this, wondering what kind of weird agreement did they have?

Dougie finished laughing, cleared his throat, "You daft bastard Griff."

As he counted out a hundred pounds and handed them to Griff, who sat there stunned.

"Eh, Why are you giving me a hundred pounds?... What bet?... And the house?" Questioned a confused Griff.

"I bet her that despite you being straight I could get you to suck Big Dougie under duress. The fifty grand discount was the incentive. You'd be surprise how many times it's worked and Pete quite enjoys watching too."

Dougie smiled, hiding his disappointment.

"But how did you get out of prison?"

"It took years of negotiation. Finally, the Police wanted the information in my head more than for me to be in Prison and enough to let me keep my ill-gotten retirement funds."

"But you were in for murder?"

"Yes... But not for a Police Officer, for a scumbag drug dealer that was trying to blackmail me."

"Blackmail you?"

"He knew I batted for the other side. Only three of us knew where the money from all those Post Office jobs was hidden. Two were at their liberty and only my reputation kept them from robbing me blind. That's my agreement with Mary. She had to help keep up the pretence that I was straight until I could get my hands on my money."

"So you're gay?"

"Bent as a nine bob note, Pete, and I are an item. I used to come down here under the pretence of surveying an easy Post Office to rob but was visiting various gay clubs. Pete and I met here in London at a cross-dressing club after I married Mary and long before I went to prison. We perform as a drag duo, but if people knew in Scotland, my reputation would be in tatters. After ten years of marriage, I came out to her about Pete and my cross-dressing, but they caught and incarcerated me. So we came to an agreement, which is why she knew I'd be okay about you and her."

"But when you turned up that morning? There was all that screaming and shouting?"

Dougie laughed loudly again, "Seeing you first, I thought you were a burglar. Mary didn't know they had released me. Before she could stop you, you'd dropped down that pipe like a monkey and ran for it... Those screams were Mary, screaming with laughter. Have you ever seen yourself run stark naked across a field with your ankles? She nearly needed oxygen when she finally stopped laughing. I was shouting trying to get you to stop and come back, but I could hardly shout, 'It's okay I'm gay' across the village could I?"

"So why didn't you let me know?"

"We tried, phoning Shuggie, then his wife, but they wouldn't answer. By the time we got to his house, you had gone and by the time Shuggie returned and we'd driven to Rosyth, you were long gone. As soon as we found anyone who knew you, they denied it or you had changed phones and moved on. You changed phone numbers and email addresses more times than you changed your underwear." Dougie explained, shrugging his shoulders.

"So what about Malta?"

"Shuggie told us the story. Pete and I had booked a Mediterranean drag queen cruise, and the ship called into Malta. So we asked around all the dive schools, but no one admitted to knowing you."

"What about today? Did Chantal rat me out?" Griff needed to know.

"We don't know who Chantal is? We're here for the rally, Pete is dancing in his drag carnival troupe and we're performing our double drag act in a club later if you want to come? It was pure luck that you walked past Pete and he recognised you."

"So where do you and Mary stand now?" Griff was keen to get back to Mary if he could. He couldn't put up with these English B&B landladies anymore.

"Now I have my retirement fund and my old associates have lost their liberty, Pete and I are free to move down here to live a more cosmopolitan lifestyle and I'm giving Mary a divorce. I've signed the house over to her and a few other things to thank her for keeping my secret."

Dougie finished his drink, and they all started shuffling out. Dougie sat on the edge of the bench seat, about to leave. Placing Griff's old phone on the table, he leaned over and shook Griff's hand.

"Ring Mary, kiss and makeup... She misses you or I wouldn't have bothered with you otherwise... Oh, as a divorce present I've not told Mary about your penchant for landladies, so be good or we may still feed you to the fishes."

Dougie winked, rose and was about to walk away, then turned back around.

"Oh, the irony of today's date may be lost on you but not on us."

Dougie laughed and walked out of the pub, to rejoin Pete and friends in the ALL FOOLS DAY PARADE.

Griff swiped the phone screen to see the date, April 1^st... 12:00. He flicked to logs. Saw 'Mary Doll' and pressed call...