Grounded in Silence

I needed to think. The entire night had been on Josh's terms, clearly planned out for some time. That had to change immediately. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my text messages until I found the unknown number Josh had used to invite me to dinner. Then I typed and erased and typed some more until I had the message I wanted to convey.

Okay, mission accomplished. One question: what's in the box?

The reply was nearly immediate.

A gift

I wasn't going to play the game any longer. With shaking hands, I tapped the phone to dial. It went to voicemail. I tried again with the same result. I sat back to regroup and downed the glass of vodka.

"Sure," I typed. It took about a minute for him to reply.

I'm not lying. You'll never know if you don't open it.

Sonofabitch. The box was the kind you'd use for a shirt or sweater. Inside was the proverbial manilla envelope. As I unclasped it and reached inside, already anticipating its contents, several glossy five-by-seven photos slid out onto the table.

There was my husband with the blonde from the café. They were side-by-side, dressed casually as someone took their picture with the Grand Canyon as a backdrop. That made me catch a sob in my throat. We'd always planned to go there after we had our first child. Another accentuated the blonde's beautiful body in a barely-there bikini in some tropical location. The woman was perfection, down to her cute little feet. I was suddenly too defeated for jealousy. That would likely come later. Other photos showed the two in different activities or just burning love into each other's eyes. I pushed them aside.

I looked inside the envelope and found two things: A handwritten note from my husband and a cover page entitled 'dissolution of marriage'. Scanning it, I saw it showed the name and number of Josh's attorney. I went for the note.

Alise,

Up front, I want to apologize for the trickery tonight.

I thought long and hard about what our reunion would look like and how it might play out. What I finally figured out was that we'd never be on equal footing unless you were able to experience some of what I went through last Valentine's Day. Telegraphing it wouldn't have been the same and wouldn't have done either of us any good.

I couldn't find the words to convey my sorrow or my disappointment in you last year, so I left. As Paul Simon said fifty years ago in his song, any words of mine at the time would have fallen like silent raindrops and certainly yours to me. I decided we both needed the silence.

So, I headed in another direction and began a new, if not temporary, life. That's where and how I met Tiffany. She's been good for me; for my healing and understanding. Occasionally, she's even been an advocate for you. I won't bore you with the details, the pictures should suffice.

If after seeing them and reading this, you still have any interest in a possible reconciliation, then call this number and we can set up a real date and time to talk. I don't expect forgiveness to be easily forthcoming from either of us yet, but I'm here if you want to try.

Josh

After rereading it, I put down the letter. I noticed that the number provided was different from the one we'd just been communicating on. I felt a wave of relief wash over me for a split second. There was still a chance.

Then, that joyous anticipation was covered by a dark cloud of reality. Josh had shown me exactly what I'd done to him, he'd very efficiently demonstrated it. I got to feel what he felt. The things I'd done to that man - my own husband - he was able to do to me in return. In that instant, I realized I could never be with someone capable of hurting me the same way as he did. As I did to him. He was still the teacher, still taking me to school. I could never again truly love a man who could assault my heart, and my emotions, so coldly and cruelly.

And I'd have to live for a long time with myself, knowing for a fact I was also that person. The very last thing we deserved was each other. I knew then that for me, my time would be spent in self-reflection and learning how to be a better human before I would ever trust myself with a new love's heart.

For a brief moment, my inner voice told me not to give up so quickly. I picked up the photos once more and really looked them over. Josh was happy with this woman, Tiffany. It was as easy to see across the street, through the rain, as it was in the crystal-clear pics.

With a heavy heart and a sigh, I sat quietly in silence for nearly twenty minutes. Finally, my thoughts stopped wrestling with themselves. He hadn't lied. He truly had given me a gift. I picked up my phone and began crafting a text. Again, I erased my words and then settled on what I wanted to say.

"Thank you," I typed with a sad emoji and then a resolved one. I waited only a few minutes.

You're welcome. I hope you have a good life, Alise. I plan to. Call the attorney. Despite the prenup, I've been very fair. It's only money and I've plenty of that. I hope you learned a lesson in all that's happened, but it isn't for me to dwell on. I'll always remember you.

He'd always remember, not fondly or anything like that, just remember. For me, it would be a long time before I ever forgot about him too. I went to the counter to pour another glass of vodka and fleetingly hoped that someday - maybe in my distant future - I'd be able to enjoy Valentine's Day again.