Grumpy Old Ladies

"Oh, I... I've just been... well, it's," Donna said. Another timer went off, this time on her phone, and she lifted it for Janet to see. Saved by the bell, she thought to herself. "Just a sec, honey!"

She lingered by the stove longer than was strictly necessary. She didn't have answers for Janet and she berated herself for not preparing for this kind of a conversation. She'd been so wrapped up in getting friendly with Magda again, and then cleaning the house for New Year's when Magda had come over, and then trying to figure out what to cook for Magda so it would be good enough but not make her seem desperate, and... she had maybe skipped one or two phone calls, but was that such a big deal?

"Listen, Janet," she said brightly. "I really should be going, I'm sorry but I have something to do! How about I call you tomorrow?"

"Mom, are you having an affair?"

Donna burst out laughing, and hoped it was spontaneous enough to convince Janet. She saw her daughter grin, and was momentarily relieved, but then the doorbell rang and her heart skipped to her throat again. "Oh, shoo, darling, you're hilarious! But now I really have to go! I'll call you tomorrow!"

She closed the call abruptly and hurried to the door. Magda grinned at her and showcased the wine bottle like the best waitress.

"Honey, I'm home!" she said. Then she looked at Donna's face more closely and her grin faded a little. "Am I too early?"

"No, no, come right in, food is almost ready!" Donna said, stepping away from the door to let her friend pass.

"I didn't know what you're cooking, but I brought white because we both like that better than red," Magda said, as she walked toward the kitchen.

"I set the table at the dining room," Donna piped up, hurrying behind her.

Magda looked at the table, then at her. "Suddenly I feel like I should've dressed better."

The final timer went off and beeped in the kitchen. "I'll be right back!"

"Can I help?"

"No, no, you just sit down! I'll be right there!"

"What are we, a fifties couple?" Magda asked, and when Donna turned she was standing in the doorway, leaning on the frame. "There must be something I can do."

Donna looked around the kitchen, sweeping her stray strands of hair behind her ear. "You could... help me carry these to the table?"

Between the two of them the table was quickly ready. Donna looked at it, pleased with herself. She almost sat down, then realized she still had her apron on. She took it off, only to reveal her frumpy homewear, and suddenly she felt off her game completely. "Um.. I was going to take a shower and put something on, something... more..." She trailed off, mumbling under her breath.

"You were going to dress up? For me?"

"Well not like that, but... yes."

"So I was too early."

"No, no, it's just that Janet called, and..."

Donna shrugged, flashed a small smile, and went to put the apron back on it's peg in the kitchen. When she came back to the dining room, Magda was still standing behind her chair, next to the carefully set table.

"Do you want to go and take a shower? I can wait."

"No, I just... thought... I..."

"You wanted to look nice? Because I already think you look nice."

Donna looked at her, raising her eyebrows. Then she looked down on herself. Gray yoga pants, a little worn out and sagging on her bum, and a purple top with different shade purple dots. She looked at Magda's sharp business suit, then down at herself again. She didn't know what to say.

Magda tilted her head, and when Donna didn't say anything, she took control. "Okay, listen," she said. "You wanted to take a shower, you go take a shower. I'll put the tin foil back on these so they'll keep. Now shoo!"

She turned Donna around by the shoulders and pushed her toward the stairs. Donna wanted to argue, but couldn't find the words, so she just obliged. She showered as quickly as she could, dressed in the dress she had planned on wearing, and dried her hair. She considered makeup, but it felt like an overkill, and so she just headed back to the dining room. Magda catcalled her as she came around the landing, she laughed, and just like that, Donna felt like herself again.

They sat down and passed dishes and pots around until they both had their plates filled. Magda's wine was excellent, and it felt such a rebellious act to drink white wine with red meat Donna felt elated from that alone. She was slightly embarrassed by the number of dishes she'd prepared, considering it was just for the two of them, but Magda's delighted oohs and aahs after tasting each one soothed her mind.

"Your kids were right about your cooking," Magda said and gestured with her fork. "So, how's Janet? I haven't talked with her for ages."

"Fine, she's fine. Started in that new job a while back, and it seems to be a good place for her."

Donna poked at a cherry tomato on her plate. She wanted to say, ha-ha, can you imagine, she asked if I'm having an affair, but she was certain she couldn't get the right amount of levity into the statement. She cleared her throat. Maybe a little more wine first.

Magda was eating like she hadn't been fed in weeks. Occasionally she looked at Donna, and smiled, or winked, or toasted with her wine glass. Donna wanted to eat, too, but she felt like she had something stuck in her throat.

"Say," she said, "what should we tell the kids?"

Magda leaned back and chewed thoughtfully. She took time to sip some wine, looking at Donna, before asking, "About what? Our affair?"

"We're not having an affair!" Donna's laugh sounded shrill even to her own ears.

"No? What is it, then, when you're using my sex toys?"

Donna stared. Her mouth formed a few false starts but no voice came out. She was certain she'd covered her tracks. She had carefully observed which dildo had been on the machine when she'd gone in, and reinstalled it when she was finished (and oh boy had she finished). She had even taken over her own small towel to put under her posterior, so no fluids would spill on Magda's bed.

Magda smiled at her, then leaned forward and touched her hand. "Relax, I'm kidding! I don't mind if you use them. I have more than one woman could ever use, as you well know."

Donna blushed deep red and reached for her own wine glass. She emptied it, and Magda poured her a refill. "You... knew?"

"I suspected. Now I know," Magda said, and smirked. "Seriously, I think it's more funny than anything else."

"Why do you have that machine?" Donna said, sitting forward in her chair, and as soon as the words left her lips she wished she could take them back.

Magda just raised her eyebrow, and skipped past teasing her with the stupid, obvious answer by saying, "I mean... you know why."

Donna looked down and said, quietly, "Yeah, I do. It's been less than a year, and I'm already... I can't imagine."

"Whoa," Magda said, eyes flaring wide as she reached for her wine. "That escalated quickly."

"You know what I mean though!"

"Mmm-hmmm," Magda said, as she drank. Then she swallowed, gasped, and added, "Yeah, I do, I just... You know, I haven't really talked about it out loud. It's one thing to click buy at one in the morning on Saturday when you're drunk and horny. It's another to... explain."

"My eyes just about fell out of my head when I realized what it was."

The other woman snickered, and then giggled, and then laughed, and Donna followed right along with her.

"I own a fuck machine," Magda wheezed, hysterically. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Donna couldn't think of anything to add on top of that, so she simply raised her glass in a toast. "To fuck machines."

Magda couldn't stop laughing enough to respond, but she did gesture with her glass.

Donna sighed as she put down her glass, and made sheepish eye contact. "So... what now?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, about..." Donna used her head to point back toward Magda's house, and Magda laughed again.

"Help yourself. That's what it's for, you know?" They looked at each other, and Donna's words failed her once more. Magda laughed. "You're so easily flustered! Okay, so we don't need to tell the kids I have a fuck machine that we share. I've gone years without them knowing about it and I see no reason to tell them now."

Donna coughed. The wine had somehow gone down her windpipe. "Ahem, yes. Let's not tell them that. But should we tell them, now that we're... we're not... what are we?"

Magda smiled jovially and swirled the wine in her glass. "We're friends again, aren't we? Do you think that's so embarrassing you don't want our kids to know that?"

"I'm not embarrassed to be friends with you! I just think it's... it requires some kind of an... I dunno, an explanation... for..."

"...why we've been so stupid about it for thirty years?"

They shared a look.

"Are we now finishing each other's sentences?" asked Donna.

"Do you remember when we made that pact? When we were nine?"

Donna looked at the small scar in her right palm, and got very pensive. Very introspective. "Of course I remember."

Magda raised her hand and said, "We promised we would be best friends forever and ever!"

Donna smiled, raised her own hand, reached across the table, and they pressed their palms together. Magda's mom had had a fit that they had actually spilled blood over their oath, ruining their church clothes in the process, and they had both gotten grounded. All of that hot childhood summer flashed through Donna's head.

Donna wiped her eyes with her free hand. "Where did we go wrong?"

"You want to go over that again?" Magda looked at her. The moment stretched out, and they didn't let go of each other's hands. "Dylan Winger?"

Donna had such fleeting, vague memories of some of the fights they'd been in at that age, and didn't want to drudge it up. It hurt just thinking about it, so she shook her head.

"You want me to tell the kids?" Magda asked.

"What would you say?"

"I don't think this needs to be complicated," she said. "Just tell them we've made up. What else could you tell them? Make up pranks we haven't done? Tell them you killed me and buried me in your backyard? I could play along and not answer their calls. That could be fun."

It sounded so obvious when Magda put it like that, and Donna frowned. "But what if they ask why we stopped talking in the first place?"

"You mean they haven't asked before?"

"Sure they have, but..."

"But you haven't told them? Then don't tell them. You know, you are not accountable to your kids for everything you do. You're an adult, you're allowed to have your own life."

Donna stared at her friend and felt her mind expanding.

***

"Okay," Tiffany said, as she shuffled some papers around. "Motion carries. Next item of business. Ricky, do you want to take this one?"

The entirety of the gathered homeowners association turned to face a man who stood up from the front row. He smiled and gave a little wave. "I, uh... I brought up to Regina and Tiffany that the, uh, the storms this past winter have finally started to pick away at my roof. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. It, uh... Most of the houses in the development are twenty five years old this year. A couple are twenty four, and I think one might—"

Tiffany cleared her throat, and that seemed to snap the man out of his ramble.

"Oh, I, uh, I thought we could maybe look into getting our roofs redone this year. En masse, sorta, if you, uh... so..."

"So," Regina said, taking up the end of that sentence, "I already talked to Lane Greenfield, our agent."

Seated next to Donna, Magda grunted.

"Lane represents all of us, and he dug into our policies, and we're good. We've met the requirements. We can get every house redone, bing bang boom, all the way through the neighborhood."

Some people in the assemblage started to speak out and raise their hands, but Tiffany calmly waved them off. "Yes, all of them. I know a couple of you have already had yours redone, I think mostly from tree damage and maybe one or two ten years ago when that blizzard just buried us. Don't worry. Since we're doing them all together, we're getting some good discounts. The insurance company is on board.

"We've already got some inspectors lined up. They're gonna be making some visits to every house, checking everything out, and we'll prioritize any houses that look like there's any weaknesses, but then otherwise they're just gonna start over on Concord Drive and work their way around from there."

"As usual," Tiffany said, stepping in with a smirk, "we'll be bringing back our favorite contractors—"

Donna's stomach lurched, and she sank a little lower in her chair.

"—Antonio Buletti and Sons. We love their work. They've done a lot of additions and pools, and... just, so many things. We've already got them procuring a quantity of shingles. All black slate. We're gonna get them all the same color. It's gonna look really great."

Donna pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head.

"As of right now, we're expecting this to take about six months. They'll be most of the way done the next time we meet, in May, and then by the time we meet in September it should be all taken care of. Even the worst case scenario Antonio gave me, where there's some scary cases, they're done by August. Well before we start getting any really severe weather."

"No," Donna whined.

Magda leaned over next to her, brow furrowed, and repeated, "No?"

That shook Donna out of her slump, and she sat up straight and shook her head.

"As I'm sure you all remember, those of you that were here last time anyway, we've got kind of a tradition with Buletti and Sons. Last time we had them doing the concrete work for the sidewalk, and the line of trees, we had some lovely volunteers providing some yummy baked goods." Regina tilted her head to look between a couple people and make eye contact. "Donna, we know you want in."

Donna smiled weakly.

"We don't want to put this all on her shoulders, so we're gonna try to get a few people to be splitting days with her most of the time, and then we're gonna ask everyone to chip in a little at least once. Even if you just go out and buy donuts for them, or whatever, that's fine. We just want to spread that out a little bit, so it's not all on Donna like last time."

Magda turned to her, voice low, and said, "Do you want to do this at all?"

Donna rolled her eyes when she was pretty sure no one else was looking.

"Um," Magda said, very loudly, turning heads toward her and stopping Regina in the middle of her litany.

Donna quickly grabbed her elbow and said, "Don't!" Then, when Magda turned to stare at her, she hissed, "It's fine."

"Awesome," Tiffany said, as she leaned over her pad of paper. "Thank you so much, Donna. We'll be sending around a signup sheet for everyone else. Expect one of us at your door in the next week to see where we can schedule everyone in."

The rest of the meeting passed in a blur while Donna did her best plastic smile impression, but her newest/oldest friend saw through it, and glared sideways at her the whole time.

"Why did you stop me?" Magda said, as they walked out into the cool, January evening air. "You clearly weren't happy with that."

"It's not a big deal," Donna groaned. "It's just some muffins."

"It is a big deal! They're talking about months and months! Every day! You really want to do that?" The way Magda stared at her said she was asking rhetorically, so Donna just rolled her eyes. "No, you don't."

"It's fine," Donna said, more antagonistically than she really intended. "I didn't want to make a big deal out of it!"

"Donna," Magda said, turning bodily to face her straight on, "if you don't want to do it, then you have to say something! They just signed you up for—"

"Em," Donna said, loudly, cutting in. "Just... let it go." Then she folded her arms very tightly, which she hated doing because she had to do it over her boobs and it never looked as angry as she meant it, and started walking. She half expected Magda to catch up to her and continue to argue, and in truth she maybe wanted Magda to continue to argue with her, but that didn't happen. After walking a few hundred feet, Donna looked back over her shoulder to see that Magda was still standing outside Tiffany's house, carrying on a conversation with someone Donna couldn't see clearly.

It honestly didn't matter who. Magda didn't like anyone, so anyone would be a surprise. She couldn't stand and wait, not without looking like a bitter spouse, so she continued on alone and whined under her breath about baking.

***

A week went by.

***

Two.

***

Donna grumbled as she got dressed. She grumbled as she put on a little bit of eye liner. She grumbled as she wrapped the box. And then, at a knock on her door, she grumbled at being interrupted. When she peered through the window beside the door, and saw Magda there looking about as pissed off as she was, she reconsidered her bad mood.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Magda said, without looking up or making eye contact. "I shouldn't have tried to speak for you. I was doing exactly what they tried to do to you, and that I knew was pissing you off. I just..." She trailed off and looked up. Her eyes got about as far as Donna's shoulders, but no further. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry," Donna said. "You were right. I wasn't speaking up for myself. I never speak up for myself, and I get stuck in these roles that I don't want to be in. You were just trying to be a good friend."

"I was being stupid," Magda said, louder, "okay? Stupid, and stubborn, just like always. I haven't learned a damn thing. I knew why you were mad but I wanted to be right, like that somehow makes a fucking difference."

Donna knew that they could go round and round like this for hours, and so, in order to shortcut this, she turned around and headed back into the house. Toward her bedroom. With the front door open behind her.

"Donna?" Magda called. "Are you... should I come in?"

Before an answer to that was necessary, Donna bustled back around into the front hallway carrying a wrapped gift, with a little pink bow on it.

Magda just stared at it. "You remembered my birthday?"

Donna just smiled and held it out in front of her. "I was about to come over and do the same thing." Then, after a second in which she felt like she was being vague and hated it, she added, "Apologize. I was about to come over and apologize."

"Do you want to come to my party?"

Donna smiled and bit her lip. "We are such little girls around each other."

"Shut uuup," Magda replied, rolling her eyes. "Are you coming or not?"

"Of course I'm coming," Donna snapped, though with a twinkle in her eye that made Magda grin broadly.

"The kids are all coming later."

"That's why Henry and Chrissy said they were both coming over to visit today. They were already coming to see you! Those little shits made it seem like it was..." Donna nodded once, firmly, and squared her shoulders. "Don't tell them. Let it be a surprise when I'm there. That'll teach 'em."

"I gotta say, I like the new, devious you. It's a good look."

Donna tucked the box under her arm, and as she stepped across the threshold Magda moved to walk alongside her. "So, did you make any snacks?"

"The kids are bringing things," Magda said.

Donna scoffed.

"What? They are!"

"I bet you have nothing in your pantry either."

"I have plenty of food!" Magda said, defensively, "but it's fine because the kids are bringing things!"

"Do we have time to go to the store before they arrive?"

"I have plenty of food!" she repeated, more exaggeratedly.

***