Guilt Ch. 02

Janet stopped and stared at her husband Dave. For a moment she thought he was going to strike her, it was something he had never done but the thought passed her mind briefly.

The look in his eyes was intense, he had both hands on her shoulders, holding her back slightly. She saw the mixture of anger, but there was something else.

_

All the way home Janet had been torn with how to tell Dave the truth, how to explain what she had done. The thought of blaming her period of depression, her decision to not take the medication the physician had prescribed crossed her mind.

She just could not, the decision had been her own. When the tall man named Randy had asked her for a dance that time more than a year earlier, then begun his rather obvious attempts at seduction, even now she had no idea of why she had not just cut him short.

The man was quite skilled at it though, every comment, every single mannerism, every tip of the head and every touch was blended to perfection with one goal in mind.

She knew that from the outset, and had responded anyway. Even from those totally innocent very first dances, she had responded mildly, his comments made her feel warm and happy.

But he had gotten exactly nowhere that time.

When Randy had walked her back to their table, Dave was sitting there looking at her with a smile.

Dave had never even really noticed the man, he had instead watched his wife and how beautiful she looked out on the dance floor. She was smiling and laughing, her motions graceful, just seeing her like that had excited him, it always did.

His expression was enough, she recognized that. She had felt her loins flush. Forgotten instantly was the man she had danced with, she was flooded with love for her husband. She and Dave left quickly, barely made it to the car. They had made love there in the parking lot in the back seat, hidden in the darkness, delighting in each other, in the nearly obscene naughtiness of the moment. The condom was forgotten.

Then nine months later little Sarah was born, the result of a beautiful moment between lovers, mates. Sarah was a completely unintentional but welcome child.

All the plans they had so carefully made, all of the things they wanted to do, to see? So close before, now those were set aside, little Sarah was their world now and took all of their attention.

But that horrible mood swung over her mind again, like a bank of darkened clouds sweeping in off the ocean.

Running into Randy the second time had been pure chance, it had been over a year, and she had never even thought of him. He had been a man she had danced with, that was all.

She left the class reunion early, feeling all alone without her husband there, stopped on impulse at the night club that she and Dave went to sometimes. Her only intention was to sit and think, sip a drink. She knew she had been neglecting her husband and family, and wanted a solution. But the dark clouds hung over her and seemed to stay there.

That Friday before, Dave had planned to take her out for a fancy dinner, some dancing. Janet loved that, she loved to dress up in pretty conservative outfits, and have her husband twirl her across the floor. Saturday, the next evening was her class reunion, Janet had looked forward to that for weeks. She would get to show off her fine man to all of the people she had gone to school with. She had been a bit of a wall flower in high school, not overlooked really but often looked past?

Now she was married to a fine handsome man. Successful, with three beautiful children. Her life was perfect, except for the periods following each one's arrival. After the first two she had struggled with that for a few weeks, then it had all passed.

This time it had gone on and on for months, until finally she and Dave had gone to see the Doctor. He had a name for it, Postpartum depression he called it. Medicine, pills, was what he had prescribed.

Those helped some but made her feel dull. She had decided to quit taking them, and just tough it out until she felt better on her own.

In the long decade and a half of marriage, and the idea of having an affair had never really crossed her mind. Of course she had met other men, and she found some interesting, attractive. She knew her husband Dave also found some other women attractive too, things like that just did not bother her one bit.

That was all normal. Perfectly normal.

When Randy stepped up to her to say hello, she was happy to see him, she remembered him, the brief dances. Sitting all alone, engrossed in her own thoughts was not helping.

She waved towards the seat next to her when he asked if he could join her.

He was very polite, and he managed to make her laugh. It felt good to laugh. They had a nice long visit, all perfectly innocent, he even bought her several drinks. He did ask for her phone number, and not thinking Janet gave it to him, her thought was simply that they might chat some more if he called.

Then Janet went home, she was wondering about her husband Dave and when he would be back. She was missing him terribly, the bed felt enormous without his comforting weight by her side.

Dave was good about calling, she sat and waited by the phone the next day, willing it to ring. It was the high point of her day now when she could hear his voice. He finally did, they had a very long chat. Janet did notice he never asked about how the class reunion went, she found that odd since he knew it was important to her.

Randy called the next day, they had a long telephone visit. That was also fun, she told him all about how her husband was out of town working on an important job for his company and that he would probably be home by Tuesday.

Then came the call from Dave, telling her he was heading to Dallas. That made her miserable again. She was almost crying when Randy called later, he asked her if she would like to share a meal with him the next evening, so she thought "Why not?"

She figured Dave wouldn't mind, he knew she could be trusted and it was just going to be dinner with a friend. She called her Mom to take the kids, of course her Mother delighted in that.

She left her cell phone on all the time that next day and evening, expecting Dave to call. The telephone was her last remaining thread to her reality. She even thought of calling him, but she knew he might be underneath some huge machine and didn't want to distract him.

It was still on when Randy stopped by to pick her up. It was all very nice, and another good time. They danced more after the meal, Janet noticed that Randy held her a bit closer, his strong warm body felt good. She allowed it, unconcerned. It was innocent, just dancing.

Later in the evening, Randy asked her if she would like to see his apartment since he needed to stop and check his emails.

She agreed, knowing even then the likely thoughts in Randy's mind.

There was no real intent in her own, though. He had been a perfect gentleman, she figured that a simple NO would suffice should he make any real advances.

Just check his emails, then he would take her home. But her home was empty, no one there. She didn't want to be home all alone.

In the apartment, Randy checked his computer, then turned to her with a smile. He leaned down and lightly kissed her. She allowed that, next he was touching her.

It wasn't an intimate touch, he rested his hands gently on her hips, then stroked her back mildly as they hugged.

"Thank you for joining me for dinner." He smiled. Then he kissed her again, his lips puckered.

Janet allowed that also, even puckered her lips back but she didn't really know quite why. Finally she disengaged and walked over to where she had set her purse.

She reached into her purse and picked up her cell phone, there were no messages. She started to push the button to call Dave. She held it in her hand for a moment, then turned it off, mildly upset.

She turned back to Randy, he took her into his arms.

Everything was like watching a film after that, she felt her clothing being removed and did not resist. Then she felt his hands working at the top edge of her panty, she lifted her hips to assist him as he stripped them down and off.

Somehow she was pressed back onto the bed on top of the covers. The room was darkened, the unfamiliar body close to her was long and muscular. One hand first fondled her bare breast, then it slid downward and cupped her between her legs.

Janet realized that Randy was completely naked also, she had no idea of when or how he had undressed.

He reached down and pressed gently on her left knee, she did not resist as he pressed her open. She felt his weight shift upwards, then he was on top of her. One hand slid down, fingers pressed at her, opening her body.

"You are so beautiful!" He said, as he entered her.

"You aren't Dave!" Screamed suddenly into her mind as she felt his penis invade her. She wanted to resist, push him back off of herself but she didn't. Her body gave up to the sensations quickly, she began to respond.

Janet lost complete track of where she was and who she was with as her first orgasm flooded her body. Randy didn't stop, she felt it all building again. His endurance was amazing, his erection inside her felt odd somehow, there was something about it she couldn't quite place.

Finally, after what felt like hours but could only have been a few minutes she felt him release inside her, that caused her to spasm in a way unfamiliar to her. Her head spun, she never felt him withdraw.

The next morning was almost a shock, she looked at Randy lying there, his face rugged, relaxed in sleep. It wasn't a dream, it was real. She sat upright on the edge of the bed and stared at him for a long time.

He woke up a few minutes later, smiled at her. Janet realized she was naked, so she quickly pulled the covers up over herself. Randy got up and stretched, completely nude and unconcerned, she felt herself blush but unable to look away.

His stomach rippled, his long penis hung down, surrounded by a large mass of black pubic hair. She noticed it was slender, circumcised, the head was twice the size of the shaft. She had never seen one like that before, but then the only other male privates she had seen had been in pictures and one time in high school. That time the boy had climaxed all over her before he even got it in, otherwise Janet might not have been a virgin when she and Dave married.

Randy was so different from her husband's much heavier body and uncut member. Dave's was just as long but more than twice as thick.

She looked more closely, the head of Randy's penis was as big as a large Plum, she remembered the different sensation that had caused.

Randy simply stood there, like he was basking in her inspection. He was grinning, then he started to erect, which caused her to look quickly away, suddenly even more uncomfortable.

"Shower?" He asked her, holding out his hand. She meekly took it, standing up fully naked in front of him again. It didn't make her feel bashful or shy.

The shower was far too small for two, so they took turns. Randy was so relaxed about being completely naked that she forgot her own modesty. After drying off, he sat and watched her get dressed.

In the car, she reached into her purse and checked her cell phone for a message. There wasn't any.

She hopped out of the car when they got to her house.

"See you tonight?" Randy asked her.

"No. We can't. I shouldn't have...."

"I will give you a call." Randy told her, starting the car and driving away.

Inside, Janet called her Mother, asking her to keep the kids for a few days more.

"Are you all right, honey?" Her mother asked.

"Yes, I am fine, I just need some peace and quiet."

Then she sat by the phone and waited. By evening, she was beginning to worry. Dave was down in Dallas, she knew he was very busy but why hadn't he called? When would he be home?

When the phone finally rang, it was Randy. He sounded happy, normal. At first she was reserved, but then it was like nothing had really happened between them, very quickly he once again had her laughing.

Finally he asked her if she would like to take in a movie, her first thought was to tell him no.

But then she agreed, he said he would be right over. She pushed the button shutting off her cell phone.

The affair was a whirlwind, time flew by. There were several episodes of lovemaking until a couple of days later she woke up in his bed. Looking over at Randy lying there, she realized she did not belong there. Slipping into the shower, Janet ran the water as hot as she could stand, scrubbing herself until the water began to run cold.

Randy was sitting in a chair talking to someone when she came out wrapped in a towel. He watched her as she dressed, she heard half the conversation.

"Another day or so, then I will be home." He said to someone.

"I love you too, honey." Then he hung up, grinning at her.

"You are married?" She asked him.

"So are you." He smiled.

Janet picked up her purse and walked out the door, for some crazy reason she felt indignant at that.

"Hey, want me to give you a ride home?" Randy called out from the doorway as she walked away.

Janet didn't respond, didn't look back.

"Suit yourself!" He called out, then shut the door. She suddenly felt dirty. She walked for nearly a mile before she managed to flag a cab.

In the taxi, she scanned her messages. Dave had called several times, his voice was sounding very concerned towards the last. The last message had said he was finished, and would be booking a flight. She willed the cab to go faster, to get her home, back to her life. A drop of moisture fell onto the phone in her hand, she realized she was quietly crying.

She planned on calling him the instant she got to the house, to find out when he would get home. She needed Dave home desperately.

Dave was sitting in his chair when she opened the door. One look at the expression on his face and she knew that he was aware that something was wrong.

The words came out of her in a torrent, she had to tell him. She had to. If he would only yell, scream, threaten her, perhaps even hit her?

She was hoping he would, hoping he would punish her like somehow that would make it all right? She tried to reach out and hold him.

Dave put his hands on her shoulders, pushed her away from him slightly, his strong hands holding her there.

"I have something to tell you." He said. She saw the expression, it was hurt but something else? Confused, she waited as he struggled to find words.

"I...when I was in Dallas..working on the job?" He hesitated for a very long time.

"I got sidetracked, and didn't call. Things got...hectic. I should have, I know you have been struggling with your...But why? You go off and jump into the sack with some guy the minute I am out of sight?"

"Honey, I didn't mean..it wasn't like that..I didn't plan on anything, I just did. Randy was...."

"Shut up! I don't want to hear any more of that. We will get you to the Doctor, maybe some different medications."

"Dave, I don't need different medicine, I need you! I needed you, to be here. I need our kids, all of us."

"And how are our kids?" He asked, sarcasm in his voice.

"Fine, they are over at Mom's, that is always like a party to them."

"Good. Will you go pick them up in the morning, bring them home? I have to go in to the office, I have reports to do." Dave was still holding her at arm's length, he relaxed and pulled her close to him. She began to sob.

The moment, the one he had planned, rehearsed? It had passed. Now he felt sick inside, but he realized Janet was an emotional basket case. His instinct to get up and walk away was overwhelmed by his instinct to try and comfort her.

They sat like that for awhile, then Dave went in and made some coffee. He sat down in his chair and clicked on a TV show. Janet went into the kitchen to fix some snacks. She brought them out, they ate in silence.

"These are good." He said once, but that was it.

That evening, they went to bed. Janet undressed in the bathroom, thinking she would wear the short pink nightgown she knew Dave liked so much.

She looked at herself naked in the mirror, there was no sign at all on her that she could see. Then she slid on the nightgown.

She had to steel herself to do it, she was unsure of his reaction.

He was sitting up in the bed when she came out.

"I suppose he saw you in that?" Dave asked when she opened the door.

"No! I didn't...he was never here." She protested.

Dave just nodded, turned out the light as soon as she slipped into bed. Then he turned his back. Janet lay there, listening to his breathing change to soft snores.

The next morning, Dave was in the shower when she woke up. He came out fully dressed, that was different. Then he told her "bye" and left for his office.

The usual kiss goodbye was noticeably absent.

Janet got up, took her own shower, then she got dressed and took the car to retrieve the kids.

"Hi, honey! Is everything OK?" Her Mom asked the moment she arrived.

"Yes, fine." Her Mother took one look at her and told her to come into the kitchen.

"I think you need to talk to me, honey. I can see something has you upset." She poured some Tea, sat down. Janet could see the two older kids out in the yard playing, little Sarah was sound asleep in the living room.

Janet blurted out the whole story as her Mom sat there quietly and listened.

"You told Dave the whole thing?"

"Yes, most of it."

"Honey, that is a very hard thing for most men to take, you have an uphill battle now to save things."

"I know. If Dave had just yelled or hit me or something...But he didn't."

"I don't think that man of yours ever could hit you, in fact I have never even seen him get upset."

"No. He is my whole world, I really screwed up, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. Sometimes it is for the best to hope that they never know." Her Mom got a far away look in her eyes.

"Mom? What?" Janet knew the answer as soon as she asked it.

"Yes, honey. Things happen. When your Dad was in the service and I was all alone for so long, I met a man. You were just a baby, everything became too much. I knew it was wrong, but...." Her voice trailed off.

"What did tell Dad?" Janet was somewhat shocked at that.

"I never told him, even when he passed away, he never knew about that."

"Did Dad ever..?"

"I don't know, if he did he never told me either. Some things are best left alone."

Janet saw the tears in her mother's eyes.

"I couldn't carry that, I couldn't deal with lying about it." Janet told her.

"I couldn't either, not very well. I must have tried a hundred times, I just never could bring myself to tell him. It would have hurt him and threatened our marriage. I couldn't allow that, I had you to think about. I loved your Father more than anything in the world."

"He never even suspected?"

"If he ever did, he never let it show. I don't even know myself why I had that affair, it just happened. That was the only time, I stayed completely true to him from then on."

"I already told Dave. Now what do I do?"

"Honey, you just be the best and most faithful wife possible...and hope. You need to build up his own self esteem, let him have his pride back. That is a very good man you have there, don't you dare give up. One thing I am sure of, that man of yours is completely faithful, he will never cheat on you."

"Yes, I know. That is why I feel so terrible."

"Your worry now is not that he might cheat, he just might end up being some other woman's man."

"I will die if that happens."

"Go home and be normal, love him, do anything you can think of to please him. If I know that man like I think I do, you have a good chance. If you stay honest, he will respond. He really is in love with you. I am serious, honey. You could spend the rest of your life looking for one like Dave and never find him."