Halos and Heroes Ch. 33

I'd thought his neutrality had been difficult to handle, but it was the genuine sorrow in his voice that made me drop my gaze to the ground in shame.

"My faith has been everything to me for years... When I was a prostitute and an exiled son, I still had Him. That comforted me during those days I felt deserted by everyone around me. It helped me handle those feelings of failure. But when you walked out of that hospital, my world dropped out from under me. I've never experienced a loss like that before, and it felt like He'd failed me by bringing you into my life only to pull you out of it. I hated that I doubted God's plan, so I left to reevaluate everything that had always mattered to me."

"Ben, I'm so sorry. I never meant to—"

"Quiet, Sam. Not your turn to talk yet."

I backed up when he moved forward, my spine making contact with the lamppost pole as Ben braced his hands on either side of my body, reminding me of the last time we'd stood like this on the porch of Maplewood.

"I was so angry with you, Sam. But you know what I finally realized?" He paused, obviously wanting an answer, but I didn't trust my voice so I just shook my head. I didn't expect his expression to soften the way it did, as if he could read my mounting panic at the thought of this conversation ending with him walking away. "I realized that for once in my life, I didn't care if God had a plan for me or not. I wanted you, even after everything that happened between us. I was even defiant about it," he said with a crooked smile. "Dared Him to make me feel otherwise. And then, as if He had just been waiting for me to stand up and fight for what I wanted, Tara called and told me you'd gone to the group. I remembered then what your name means—that God has heard. He heard me, but you heard Him, too."

My throat hurt from trying to keep everything in, and I sounded hoarse when the words finally rolled off my lips.

"You kept my tags..."

"You told me they were mine." Ben's voice was still calm, but I caught a hint of another, stronger emotion beneath it now. One I'd never thought I'd be lucky enough to hear again. I wasn't forgiven yet, but the small break in the clouds gave me a glimpse into what things could be like when the storm settled as long as I didn't fuck it up right now.

"You also said my having them would force you to come get them. You're here now, so the question is, Sam, are you taking them back?"

All I had to do was say no, and he'd stay. I could see it in his eyes, and that one word was much easier to say than the three I wanted to, needed to say to him. But my tongue felt like it'd been glued to the roof of my mouth. My silence damned me, and I watched Ben's expression change, shutting down. He started to turn away, heading back toward the community center where I'd lose him to the sound of good times I'd never be a part of again if I didn't do something.

Ben glanced down at the hand that I curled around his arm, stopping him from taking another step. He opened his mouth to say something that probably wasn't very priestly, but before he could get the words out, I'd unpinned the rose from my lapel and held it out.

I knew the moment he got the reference, because his expression faded from anger into a gentle smile in a heartbeat. His thumb brushed the back of my hand when he took the rose from me. He studied it for a long moment before pinning it to his own shirt. "I thought you'd never seen the show."

"I got the first two seasons on NetFlix," I said, shrugging as I felt my cheeks heat. "The writing is crappy but—"

The flippant remark that had been on my tongue died when I met Ben's eyes and saw the loving acceptance there. I could've stopped there and he'd consider it enough. There was no reason for me to peel myself open with some big cinematic confession. But I loved him. "I watched the show because it made me think of you, and what we could have someday... The rings, the commitment... the complete feeling of home I only find with you." As soon as I admitted that, the only things that really mattered, the rest just tumbled out in a waterfall of overdue admission. "I love you, Ben. I've loved you for a long time, but I couldn't, didn't want to tell you because I knew that the moment I did, it'd end me. There wouldn't be any going back, and no one else would be able to fill the space that's just for you." I put my hand over my heart, but even the weight couldn't stop its wild beat. "That's your spot now, whether you want it or not. I know I hurt you, and I can't take that back. I've made so many mistakes with you that my name should be cross-categorized in the dictionary between dumbass and stupid. But if you can forgive me enough to let me, I swear I'll spend the rest of my life trying to get you to say you love me again. Because that's all I need to be happy."

Had Ben's mouth not stopped mine, I might've kept rambling for days. There were so many things I needed to say to him, but none of them seemed to matter as he silenced me with kisses that were gentle, but not chaste in the way they explored and rekindled his claim on my heart and body. The press of his lips to mine— tender but relentless—and the firm clutch of his arms around me like he'd never let me go, confirmed what I'd known from the beginning.

I belonged to him.

My back pressed hard into the pole again, keeping us upright when Ben leaned into me, refusing to break that physical connection. My hands slid up to the small of his back to hold him. I didn't care that we were in plain sight of the community center doors where anyone could see us if they came out for a cigarette break. All that mattered to me right now was the man whose body relaxed into mine with palpable relief that I'd finally gotten my head out of my ass long enough to hear God, or whatever other deity was the guide for stupid soldiers.

"I love you, too, Sam." He ran his thumb along my jaw, his expression so gentle, as if he could read every one of my thoughts. "I know the way we met wasn't the hearts and flowers romance story you tell people. The circumstances sucked. But we can write the rest of it together any way we want to. We'll consider this the start instead of the middle if you just walk beside me."

"I don't ever want to walk anywhere else," I said, surprised when my heart rate immediately slowed down at the truth in those words. "Merriam-Webster will have to find another poster boy for the words categorizing the idiotic."

Ben smiled—that warm understanding smile that had made me feel safe and loved from the beginning. When he leaned in to kiss me, I was there to meet him. I don't know how long we stood there, but eventually people started filing out of the community center. I spotted Adelyn in the crowd, smiling up at Cayden. I arched a brow at Ben, and he grinned.

"I invited all the kids from Maplewood. Remember, he's gay."

"I'm sure he has friend who aren't. Older friends," I muttered, but Ben's hand, warm and solid in mine made me feel charitable enough to let it go. For now.

* * *

Adelyn had asked me if Cayden could drive her home after the dance, and I reminded myself he was gay a few times before I agreed. Ben trusted Cayden, and I trusted Ben without question, so I allowed it. I had to let go sometime, and if that trust started with a new gay best friend for Adelyn, the next, bigger step might become easier.

"Will you go with me somewhere?" I asked Ben when the kids had gone home, and he'd finished making his goodbyes to al of the parents as they exited the building. He hadn't let go of my hand the entire time, making it clear he'd been serious about walking together from now on. I needed that reassurance now since I knew what I had to do, and that I couldn't do it alone.

Ben's eyebrow arched in curiosity, but he nodded and followed me until we reached our separate vehicles in the parking lot.

"Can we meet me at your place?"

"Sure. Are you okay?"

I nodded. "I will be. Just meet me there. I'll be right behind you."

Ben leaned in for another kiss before he got into his car. I watched his taillights brighten and then fade as he pulled out in front of me, heading toward the waterfront. Though a part of me wished we'd taken one vehicle so I could keep him close on the lonely seat beside me, I knew we'd be together soon enough. In the meantime, the quiet gave me time to gather my thoughts.

I'd barely shuffled them into a meaningful pile when I pulled up to Ben's place. He'd arrived just before I did. By the time I'd parked and killed the engine, he had moved to my side of the car to open my door. I took his hand when he offered it, but redirected him toward the beach when he made a move for the front steps of his house.

"There's something I need to do first. I'd like you to come with me if that's okay."

Though he looked puzzled, Ben followed my lead, removing his dress shoes and leaving them beside mine on the top of the sand dunes. Not once did he ask me about why I'd dragged him to the beach in the middle of the night, or why I stopped right at the ocean's edge where the waves licked the edges of our toes in a chilly welcome. The fact he trusted me that much, reassured me that he was as much my friend as my lover and partner.

I reached into my back pocket to pull out Connor's dog tags, rolling them so that they clinked gently against one another. The chain dangled between my fingers, and I knew that Ben recognized them for what they were when he brushed a gentle hand against my spine.

"You don't have to do this you know."

"Yeah I do," I said, never taking my eyes off his as I curled the chain up to enclose it completely within my fist. "I have to let him go, because I can't be angry with him anymore if I want to keep moving forward."

That was easier said than done. My fingers tightened on the little pieces of metal as I looked out over the water. It was a clear night, and the water reflected the inky black of the sky above. I watched the ripple of the waves for a moment, listening to their soothing rumble as they teased the shoreline, drawing farther away from it a little more each time as the tides changed. They seemed to be waiting with open arms.

Ben's hand fell away from my back as I wound up and pitched the tags out into the dark. They broke the water's surface with a splash that barely registered over the rumble of acceptance from the rolling waves.

When those tags left my hand and washed out to whatever new place they'd travel to, I knew that Connor finally had what he wanted... my permission to tap out and see the rest of the world, and find whatever would settle the restlessness in his heart. I needed to tell Ben that the past had no hold on me anymore, and that we were going to make everything work out between us now that my ghosts had been laid to rest. I didn't. Instead I took his hand with a smile. I'd show him instead.

Choose your adventures wisely, Connor. I've chosen mine.

*** FIN***

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