Handicapped Love Ch. 04

My name is Eveline. I am 35 years old, live in Belgium and was born with Spina Bifida. Growing up was difficult due to a lot of pain, mainly from my back, pelvic and hips. In 2008 my spine was fixed to reduce the pressure and pain on my back. I have always been in a wheelchair, but since then I have been in a power wheelchair in a half lying position with my legs up front. I am partly paralised, urinary and bowel incontinent and have lymphedema. I live in a two room apartment in a nursery home in which mostly severely disabled people live. It is difficult to obtain or preserve a relationship there.

One way to meet other people of course is online dating. Online dating as a disabled person is, I guess, more difficult or weirder than for an abled person. It is a parallel world with perverts, weirdo's and asshole's on the one side and longings, hope and perspective on the other side. I have been on dating sites for quite some time and I want to share my experience here.

There are dating sites only for disabled persons. Most men there are either not disabled ( or have a weak shoulder but think the bar is lower within this section ). Or are severely mentally unstable. I am out there sometimes but rarely have a match with someone I can at least have a normal conversation with. What disabled people often lack is a sense of reality, and that includes myself. I guess hormones take over common sense when there is a match, a kind word or flattering comment of someone you like. It happened to me several times when I was young.

Dreams were yet to come true and when it comes to love the sky's the limit; not the range I can travel within bladder and bowel management. Over the years I have gotten more realistic about my chances and possibilities of the selection that is within my reach. But I learnt it the hard way and along the way I lost some of my juvenile thrive, enthusiasm and dreams. I shed many tears, hurt the ones that unconditionally loved me, and was harsh and unpleasant to people whose lives are difficult enough, even without me.

But no one said handicapped people are nice people. They ain't, at least many of them. Now I can handle things better but 15 years ago I didn't make many friends. The rehab program that was started when I was 14 turned out to have failed. I was supposed to be able to walk at least a kilometer but instead after 7 years with close to 40 surgerys and an intense rehab program for which I skipped school, left me in pain and in bed for 24/7. I was lonely and depressed and still I had no clear vision of where I would be in 10 years, nor could my doctors tell me if there was any progress to expect.

So I couldn't understand for example why a dutch man, who was able to drive a car, didn't come to me, after all the good chats we had online. Or why no classmate from primary school would ever come by to see me, and tell me about their lives. I just couldn't accept the fact that the world went on with me lying in my bed. And now, whenever a disabled person gets rude and harsh, and oh goodness they can, I feel his pain and suffering. Don't get me wrong, I want help or seek a solution for his problem. I have enough on my hand, but I manage to keep friendly. And occasionally I ask after a few months how things go. Often we can get along well then but from a different level than before.

Reality is, no disabled man that can get along easily in society, who can do most things an able person can do would bear the trouble I bring along. And I doubt that a long term relationship with a man equally disabled can be fulfilling. I am often very lonely and I am afraid that even if we would take the effort to live together we would just be lonely together.

Then there are the dating sites everybody knows. To understand and learn about the feelings of others I had to learn about myself. It took quite some time to understand this, and I might not be all the way.

A traditional relationship is very difficult and therefore not what I aim for ( but yes, still long for ). I want human and physical contact and I like to meet other people, online or in real life. Just like every person I long for physical contact. As my situation is, many hands touch me and many eyes see me nacked, but only in a professional way. I am used to that, and grateful these men and women do their job in a careful and respectful way. But I long to be touched in a sensual way, getting attention, and being desired. I want to satisfy my lust and feel that I am a woman, as well as give love by bonding two bodies. Lust can be tempered by masturbation but it is only temporary, and it can't compete with having someone longing for you, for each other's bodies, warmth or sexuality.

Due to my paralysis I've been asked many times if I have feelings in my privates. Short answer is no. I have no feeling from my belly button down to half my thighs. Below that I have some feelings, like cold and warm, tickling and some skin sensation.

That being said I cherish my womanhood, I like to touch myself and to be touched. Feelings, sensations swift to another level, another part of my body. I feel sexual excitement mainly on the edge of my paralysis just above my spine deformation. I don't know what other women feel and a female orgasm seems to be incompatible, but I can say I do have orgasms.

Now, how did i get from online dating to sex so fast? Oh yes, it is about knowing myself and knowing what I want. Online dating for me is a balance between being honest and being too honest. One is attracting only perverts and fetishists, the other is getting frustrated or appalling reactions. I had my share of both, and probably will have more in the future. Most of all I have to be honest about what I want. I can't have the normal relationship many men long for and straight sex is so difficult, and has to be organised and planed in a matter that it is not an option for most men. So what is left?

Well, I hope to meet nice people, get a click, both mentally and physically. I hope men like what they see, like my appearance and my person. No matter how society displays only the perfect, and beauty standards are getting out of reach for almost all women there are still some guy's willing to get to know one better, before judging only on the outside. I met some really nice men, and learned not to ask: why me?

My online profile is honest: I am a woman in a power wheelchair, severely physically disabled and overweight. First thing that attracts a man is his sexual preverence. Sometimes men are honest, tell me right away they choose me for the wheelchair i am in, or my body mass or whatever. If there is still a connection to get to know each other I will not get into details. Not about myself nor the fetish they want to carry out. No one could ever explain to me properly how a disability can be sexual attractive. I guess it gives them a feeling of power, or a proclivity to take care of what seems to be someone helpless. Yet I know the world is superficial and a first impression is what counts. When this first impression is a sexual orientation it is ok for me. But it should not stay that way, I want to be seen as a woman with my own longings and feelings whose character is worth looking beyond a fetish.

So up to a certain point I am fine being a sexual oddity. It is better than not to be seen at all. Highest sexual satisfaction I long for now is to be touched. To be desired in real life. I know it is not likely to happen soon. Finding an online click though is the second best, but only in a mutual, body awareness matter where there is respect for each other.