Happiness Delayed

"I'll be back tomorrow after work. I'll get you a phone, so I can message you and check on you LakLak." she informed me.

I didn't respond, but thought to myself, how did she know my nickname is LakLak? On the grocery order, it lists my real name - Ghelia. She just walked towards my door.

"I'm borrowing your key so I can make a copy. You need to start locking your door. See you tomorrow! Bye!" she shouted from the doorway.

And she left. I laid on the couch, gobstruck at to what had just happened. A girl I had never met before just showed me more compassion in one afternoon than anyone had ever shown me in my whole life, other than my mother. She had never met me before, but she had let herself into my apartment and held me when I cried like we had been friends forever. I was as confused as it was possible to be confused.

That night was one of the worst nights I had experienced in a long time. I cried for hours. I missed my mother so badly. Her presence that day just reopened my wounds, and the pain was coming out again. I don't know if I passed out or fell asleep, but the next thing I know, someone was opening my door again.

"Hi LakLak. It's Luna." she happily called out as she came inside.

She came back to my bedroom where I was laying on my mat.

"Come on, we're going to the couch." she said happily as she picked me up of the mat.

She guided me to the couch and asked, "Did you eat today?". I just shook my head no, so she went to my refrigerator, and found the leftovers from what she had cooked the day before. She heated up two plates of it and brought one over to me. She put it in my hands, and I ate a little of my food.

After we ate Luna took our plates to the kitchen. Then she cleaned up my kitchen, including my blood that was on the floor. I know she saw the knife there and had to have figured out what I had done, or had tried to do, but she never commented about it. She just asked me if I knew I had a dishwasher. She cleaned everything up, which wasn't easy. I hadn't cleaned anything for the 9 months I had lived there. I just didn't care anymore.

It was late by the time she finished, and she took me back to bed before she left. I didn't sleep though. I had another bad night. Early the next morning, she was back. She said it was her day off. She came to my bedroom and sat on my mat beside me.

"Did you sleep any?" she asked me.

She handed me a phone she had bought for me and I showed her I needed to text her. I told her I am mute, which didn't seem to surprise her. Then I asked her. "Why are you here?".

"Because four days ago, while I was sleeping, your mother, Eden, came to me. She told me that you are my soulmate, but right now you are too broken for me to see it. She said I had to repair you first. She said you are lost, and I was the only one who can help you find yourself again. But when you did, you would make me happier than I've ever been in my entire life. She sent me here to find you LakLak. She's the one who told me your door would be open and that I should just go inside. I don't know about you, but when a spirit talks to me, I listen." she stated, matter-of-factly.

I didn't doubt her story at all. My mother was saving me again.

Day in and day out. Week by week. Luna took care of me. She made me shower and kept me fed. She never missed a day. A couple of months later, when I started having nightmares, she started sleeping on my couch. I remember the first one. She rushed into my bedroom and held me until I calmed down. It meant a lot to me that she never asked me what had happened to me that would cause such a nightmare. I had dreamed about my mother's accident. About the look on her face when the car hit her. I cried thinking about how long she suffered in the street alone. I wondered if she thought of me when she passed. I apologized to Luna for my nightmares. She smiled at me and told me it was ok.

"It's progress." she said.

"How is that progress?" I asked her in disbelief.

"Because at least you are feeling SOMETHING now." she explained. "That means a little piece of your heart has healed."

She was right. I had been dead inside. I was numb for so long, but I wasn't sure I wanted to have these feelings again.

Luna was patient if nothing else. Some weeks were worse than others, and it seemed like I was going backwards. Other weeks were better, and I slowly opened up a little. By then, Luna had slept on my couch for four months straight. She had even learned sign language for me. Not even Shay had learned more than the basics for me, but Luna enjoyed talking with me, and she was very good at signing.

"Why don't you just move in here? You spend all of your off time here anyway." I asked her.

Luna just laughed at me.

"LakLak, look around you. I moved in a month ago." she smiled as she said it.

She had given up her own apartment to sleep on my couch because she didn't want to push me. Maybe it was a big step, but I told her we should just get a bed and share it, since it is a one-bedroom apartment. So, we did, but we just slept in bed. Nothing else. She never once in our entire time together pushed me sexually in any way what-so-ever. Not even a little. She allowed me to do things as I felt comfortable.

It was about then that Luna talked me into going outside. By then, I hadn't been outside in over 15 months. I had forgotten that I lived by a park. We walked down the road to the fountain. Luna held my hand the entire way and reassured me that she would protect me.

"I won't let anyone hurt you ever again LakLak." were her exact words to me.

It was a full week later before I felt up to going outside again, but I still did it. Slowly, over the months, my nightmares and crying fits slowed down. I had more good days than bad. One day, nearly 8 months after Luna first visited me, she came home with a cake.

"What is that for?" I asked her.

"You've gone an entire week without crying." she smiled as she always did to me. "I think that's reason to celebrate. Another little piece of your heart has healed.

It was cute how she tracked my progress that way. But really, she was right. I did feel other things now, not just sadness and despair. Some of my feelings were difficult to deal with. I wasn't sure I was capable of feeling attraction and love again, but Luna made me want to try.

I walked to where she was in the kitchen, putting the cake on the counter. For the first time since that horrible day, I initiated a hug. Not just being held, but I hugged her. I expressed affection for another human being. It felt good. I had forgotten how good expressing affection could feel.

Luna was way too tough to let me see her cry, but she was quiet for a long time. We just stood there, in our embrace. Eventually, she broke it off.

"Let's eat some cake. I need to put some weight on you. Your mother said you are too skinny." Luna said happily.

I was always skinny, but during my depression, my weight went from 93 pounds to 78 pounds. Even at only 5 feet 1 inches tall, that was too light.

"You talked to my mother again?" I signed her, stunned by her statement.

"Yes. She comes to me sometimes to encourage me to be patient with you. She keeps reminding me how happy I will be once you are repaired." she replied like it was something I should have known all along.

That night, for the first time since Luna had moved in with me, we embraced as we slept. And for the first time, I welcomed it. Not the same as holding me when I cry. It was better. An affectionate embrace.

I still had the occasional bad day, but it was no longer the norm. A month or so later, I had gotten use to going outside, and we made it our routine to go out on my good days. This particular day, we walked further than we had walked before, and ended up in front of a coffee shop.

"Doesn't coffee sound wonderful?" Luna asked me.

I knew what she was doing. She wouldn't push me to go inside, but she was trying to plant the seed that I, myself, wanted to go in. She wasn't wrong, coffee is my favorite, but I just stood there. I felt the panic building up inside me. However, for the first time in a long time, I wanted to be normal. I had to try to overcome it. I wanted to go inside with Luna and get a cup of coffee. I wanted to be a normal girlfriend to her.

"Calm down LakLak." Luna whispered to me. "I won't let anybody hurt you. We can go in if you want. Take my hand and I'll protect you."

And we went inside. Luna held my hand and kept everyone from getting too close to me. I know it sounds weird but letting strangers within a few feet of me was a big step. I had to learn to be comfortable around people again. I felt with Luna there, I really was safe.

We ordered some coffees to go and took them back to our apartment. I felt like I was finally breaking down some of the barriers I had put up around myself, and it was all because Luna made it her mission to fix me. I wasn't completely comfortable with everything I was feeling, but I felt like I owed her much more than I had given her. More than I was capable of giving her before then. Something more valuable than my life because I didn't value that anymore.

"I want you to kiss me." I told her as we sat on the couch.

Luna just looked at me. "Are you sure?"

"No. Not at all. But just do it. I have to know." I replied.

Luna gently took my face in her hands, and softly pressed her lips to mine. She held it there, just for a minute, then released me.

"I've been waiting to do that for a long time." she finally admitted. "Do you know how beautiful you are?"

It was difficult to hear. I didn't feel beautiful. My self-esteem had been destroyed, but Luna made me feel good again. I'm not going to tell you we were overcome with passion and stripped each other bare as we raced to the bed to make love, because we didn't. I wasn't capable of that yet, but at least I was finally moving forward.

She did reignite something inside me of. Something I had buried deep, deep inside myself. Something I thought had died long ago. It slowly came back. Fractions at a time, but it did come back. I had done it for her, but really it was me who benefitted from it. I found a piece of myself that I thought had been lost forever. I knew I had the capacity to love again. I just had to be brave enough to try.

Kissing Luna was not a problem. She was beautiful. Her soul was beautiful. The tough part was letting her touch me, or more precisely, letting myself feel desired again. I really struggled with that. I still felt like I was a cursed person. I didn't feel worthy of love, but Luna had proven she loved me a million times over. I honestly don't believe another human being on the planet would have done what she had done for me. Piece by piece, she had rebuilt me.

Exactly 10 months and 13 days after Luna came into my life, I gave myself to her. It was, without a doubt, the worst sex I'd ever had in my life. I did terrible. Epically terrible, but I did it. I made love with Luna. I knew it would get better - a lot better in fact, but I had to take the first step. We laid in bed afterwards, pressed against each other. Just holding each other and I started to cry. But it was different this time. I wasn't sad. I was happy.

"Why are you crying?" Luna asked me for the first time ever.

"Because you didn't just help me find myself again, you made me a better version of myself." I signed to her as I sobbed.

For the first time since she came into my life, I told her my story. I told her everything. I owed it to her to explain things. I didn't fear that she would abandon me when she found out I what I went through - when I explained that I had wanted to die. That I had begged for death, but my mother just wouldn't let me go.

I told her how my mother had been killed, but more importantly, I told her how my mother had lived during her brief time with me. I told her how my mother loved me and protected me. How she held me, and I felt safe. How she didn't even let death stop her from helping me when I needed her the most. I told Luna how my heart had been broken again that day the moment I opened my door at home. On the worst day of my life, the only woman I'd ever loved betrayed me. I told Luna that she had taught me how to love again. I told her I loved her. It was the first time I'd ever seen Luna cry.

Our relationship did nothing but grow. We went so far beyond what I think even a great relationship is for most people. Our souls are truly forever bound together. For the first time since before my mother passed, I was happy. And more importantly, I wanted to make Luna happy. I met her friends, and I got comfortable being around people again. I felt safe with Luna. I believed her when she told me she would protect me. Now, I would protect her as well. I found strength I didn't know I had. I raced through any remaining barriers I had put up around myself. I felt like I could conquer anything, and it was all thanks to Luna.

Months later, on one very special Saturday afternoon, I asked Luna if she wanted to go for a walk to the park. We held hands as we rounded the fountain. Luna smiled at me, and I felt on top of the world. Then I shocked the hell out of her. As loud as I could, I got everyone's attention by clapping two pieces of wood together I had brought with me - a musical instrument a friend had loaned me.

Everyone within hearing distance stopped. Then they gathered around us. It took Luna a minute, but she realized she knew everyone that was there. I had talked to every one of her friends. And then I talked to every one of their friends. I gathered anyone who even had a brief meeting with Luna. Everyone from her work. Everyone from her childhood. There were over a hundred people there.

Luna was flushed with embarrassment. I had arranged everything. I played a recording my friend had made for me on my phone. One of my best friends. She has the voice I always imagined I would have if I could talk. She read the message I had written for Luna.

"Two years ago, I was truly broken. But God took pity on me. He sent his greatest soldier to save me, and she did exactly that. Now, with God and all of you as my witnesses, I want to ask that angel to let me spend the rest of my life making it up to her. Luna, will you marry me?" I pulled a ring out of my coat and presented it to her. I know it's lame, but I even went to one knee to ask her. She deserved it as corny as it was.

I could actually hear everyone collectively hold their breath. I nervously looked at Luna, waiting for her answer. She was torturing me, making me wait. Then, Luna being Luna, gave me her famous smile. She hugged me, pulling me to my feet. and swung me around like I was a child.

"Is that a yes?" someone in the crowd shouted.

"Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!" Luna yelled over my shoulder as we started jumping up and down, still in our embrace. And for the second time ever, I saw Luna cry.

The cheering went on for 5 minutes. The police came we were so loud. I still have a photo of them with me and Luna. Even they were happy for us. They playfully handcuffed me and Luna together, saying we better never break apart. And that became the new greatest day of my life. The day I finally found true love. But this isn't the end of our story. It is just the beginning.