Happy Hollowdays Pt. 03

I needed to take my guest to the next plot point, "There was something unexpected. I let Brenda go and no longer felt so much pain when it was over, but I didn't feel better; I didn't feel!"

I looked at her with one side of my mouth tucked down shrugging my shoulders, "It sucks being alone. It still sucks. It's not like I did something where I can tell myself I deserved this and I'm paying my penance. If that were the case, it would mean I was taking a step towards getting back in good graces. There would be a reason to my suffering. Somehow being the good guy in this circumstance feels a lot more... hollow."

Her eye lids lifted suddenly. Quietly she uttered, "Hollowdays," turning the word over in her mind as she said it, quietly appreciating its meaning now. "And so, you hired a woman to soothe you," She was working a projector in her mind watching the movie unfold. With a start she was back eyebrows raised in outraged sympathy, "Except Jill didn't! Instead of sharing your loneliness with you, you cured hers for her."

The Swiss Miss looked up at me as if she had solved some equation that had nagged her. However, answers beget more questions and one of those children was a red headed stepchild. She paled, "Now you have hired another woman, who turns out not to have the expertise she advertised." She looked away.

I chortled. Yes, I actually did, and chortling isn't a regular activity of mine. "Somebody upstairs is telling me something, as you are the only two escorts I have ever booked."

"That still sounds like getting kicked for your loneliness." She was angry for me, and I thought, at herself.

"Yeah, but I'm getting better at it. I mean I used to have the companion of loss. I was alone and intensely aware of who was not here with me. I longed for her, my fiancé of course. I was crushed. Now I am very content to "share loneliness" as you said it." I looked at her seeing the corner of her mouth curl up as she looked down.

She saw there was no anger in me now. She could tell, probably from what she felt herself, it was a lot better for me now than it had been, but it still seemed a harsh reality to her. She was right. My guest still had tears in her eyes.

I summed up. "Perhaps it was bitter seeing someone else get the happy ending, but I don't wish any of the people involved with making me alone, ill. I never have. That would be its own separate issue. I'm mostly disappointed in Andy. I'm pissed at his mom because I am sure she counseled them to be together. Rita chose to break her oath and throw away her moral compass so she could sleep better at night having a happy family. I don't blame her for wanting her son happy, but I see this as similar to a parent whose child is a sociopath that likes to kill. They don't turn them in because they want them to be happy not incarcerated. Andy and his mom didn't deserve to be happy at my expense. I'm not saying Brenda should have married me when she loved Andy. I'm saying let it play out, let her talk to me, let her explain. Even if the matter turns out with the same results, let her take the time to break up with me and do it as best the two of us could, then she can date Andy and have her happy ending. I wouldn't be as crushed and they wouldn't be as guilty.

"Think about it though, in creating a situation where Brenda can be heartless in her selfishness and pay no price, Rita may have set her son up to suffer the same fate one day. For my part I never want to see the three of them again, but I don't wish them ill. I don't think much of them, but I'm not trying to commandeer the karma train and tie them to the tracks. At least I don't have to work on letting my anger go; I was crushed so far down that never set in. I've told them off in my head. But now, I'm no longer tethered to them, and that feels great."

My guest relaxed a little. No, she eased up on her clench a little. She was ready to hear more. Poor girl.

I prattled on, "How did I do it? I guess it makes sense to feel intensely about those we feel intensely for. I still want to love them; it didn't convert to hate. Their actions made me feel like they wouldn't let me love them. It took a long time to suffer badly enough to lose faith in them completely and let go, and that was rough. That only Andy tried to do anything for me was the shocker. I told his mom the score right here in this room, and what she should do. Instead, she turned and walked out the door. Brenda refused to ever face me again. It was the foundation of my situation: that they were willing to leave me to suffer when they could take some away made me realize I had to sever my connection to them, not simply change my connection from love to hate.

"I got up each day tearing myself apart hoping this was the terrible day I dreaded yet needed, when Brenda would come back and take her leave of me properly. When I knew that day would never come, it got tougher to get up each morning, I had to do it for me alone. I hated that more than anything. There was still a connection; I was suffering exile; I was not allowed to be with those I loved. I decided to try new things, like Jill's and your claimed expertise, because I needed something completely different. Really the ball has rolled pretty fast since realizing I was on my own, that they truly had abandoned me and were already gone. Without his knowing it, that damned Christmas card was Andy giving me what Brenda owed me."

Swiss Miss sat stunned. The card was accursed in her eyes too. Yet it was the serpent that freed me. It was in a special sort of limbo; never loved though perhaps welcomed. It was like surgery that removed a limb yet saved your life.

I tried to answer the last of her questions, "When I knew I had to make the cut, how did I do it? I was alone. I had a simple choice, start sinking or start swimming. Simple equation: I didn't have a choice." Now I put my hand over hers, making sure not to lean into too closely. "Have I answered your questions?"

She looked up full of sorrow yet with more than a little gratitude. She nodded in quick short stabs, choking out, "Y-Yes. That could not have been easy to revisit. T-Thank you."

I leaned back giving her a bit more backstory just to keep the talk going, "It was Jill who thought it through an decided why Brenda never pushed the marriage forward was that she knew she felt too strongly for Andy. That Brenda feeling that way may not have told her she needed to be with him, but that she had clearly not devoted herself entirely to me. Jill thought Brenda did not stay with me just because I had a nice apartment, but felt she was trying to love me more, more the way she should."

I felt more of a sting than sorrow, "But boy, she really jumped at the first chance she had to try out Andy. I fear I ascribe more mercenary motives to my ex now. Brenda sure as hell can't complain about how I think of her now. Not the way she left me for dead. I mean it's obvious she didn't love me as much as him. Maybe not even enough to really love me even if Andy wasn't around to take her away.

"Her not loving me enough in any circumstance was the part that I was missing. But I still never picked up that vibe from her. We planned our future, maybe that was her trying to convince herself. But how much could she have cared if she never contacted me afterwards, never even said she was sorry and explained it to my face? I mean I can see she didn't love me, but to not even care enough to send a note? I know she was embarrassed, ashamed maybe, but that level of dismissal is close to contempt. It's devastating to love someone as much as I loved her, and she doesn't care enough to write "I'm sorry" or send a card? That seems like basic human dignity."

I felt her hands on my arm, she looked miserable. It wasn't just sympathy, it was commiseration.

"Please talk more." She could see I didn't know what to say. "Tim, there are important differences. But oh my God the parallels! I had a lot more to do in forcing my relationship to the cliff. I swear to you, though, I wasn't the one to push it over."

"Well, Swiss Miss, those two interactions, with my fiancé and your coworker Jill, sum up my last half year." I smiled halfheartedly, putting my hand reassuringly atop hers once again.

There was another pause. I felt the need to fill the silence I had dwelled in for far too long, "So yes, Mrs. Lincoln, I would love to have sex, but I would love to just touch and hold someone. I just didn't want to be the type of loser who, on top of being kicked around for trying to help, loses his love and life, and is alone for Christmas too."

I began to wonder if the Swiss Miss might be part mute. She was staring at me intently, but she said nothing, awash in her own tumultuous emotions. So, I jumped in again, "I'm too young to be a reclusive cat lady, besides I'm a guy, and I don't own a cat. I sunk low enough to consider one though."

That made her laugh.

"I hired your friend and we talked." The message was that we didn't have sex. I wanted her to know I wasn't going to press anything. That wasn't the most important thing for me. She got it.

Swiss Miss beamed, "I know all about that, and some other things," she looked guilty.

"Good, I want you to have something in the back of your mind. I don't want to be alone for Christmas Eve or Christmas. I don't think lonely people being alone for the hollowdays is healthy."

Her face brightened. She tried to hide it. I wasn't going to take the chance to leave it at a half measure, "If you see it clear to do so, if I make a good enough impression, I want you to consider staying with me the entire time. I'm a nice guy and trustworthy."

"I know," she looked down guiltily.

"You know?"

"I mean we can do all that." She was as hopeful as I had seen her. She was radiant when she was hopeful!

"What's on your profile, the reference was to anal sex," I started, as she gulped. "I know that's what brought us together, but what I really want is someone to talk to, to share with, to really be with, you know?"

She was nodding like I had uncovered some dark secret. I was about to.

"I do have a price." I smiled like the Cheshire cat, so she knew it wasn't some dark facet of my personality she hadn't yet discovered.

She nervously nodded for me to say it.

"I don't believe your name is really "Anna Conda".

She burst out laughing and I joined in. It seemed there was a lot of pent-up emotion that rolled out with that laugh. Her belly laugh could have put St. Nick to shame. She virtually howled. Tears ran from her eyes as she held onto my arm with one hand while trying to sweep away the flood of tears with the other.

"T-That wasn't the worst pseudonym I came up with. I thought about, Anni Tazya, too!" She had to choke it out. She tried to peer though her tears for my reaction, relieved to see me laughing too.

"This was your attempt at, um, sphincter humor?" I asked.

"W-We were supposed to use aliases. Some were clever, some funny. This was my attempt at cynical sphincter humor. H-Here's the funny part. I over thought it. I didn't think I could live up to tazering a guy with my bottom, hell, I have been scared shi..." she broke into a gale of laughter at her almost pun. "I have been scared to death of the pain. I also figured once it began and I was ensconced, that I would be helpless. But really, if the guy attacked me, I was sort of there to be punished and humiliated anyway, so I got over the fear. Besides what sort of pain could he inflict worse than what I was volunteering for? Never-the-less, I knew I would be tight, as that is untrodden territory, so the constrictor moniker won. It seemed closer to truth-in-advertising than anything else I had come up with." She made a grand arc sweeping her entire forearm over her eyes to clear them of water.

I held my arm out in invitation. She smiled broadly, nodded definitively, and nestled in under my wing. We didn't kiss, though it was obvious we loved the contact and also being in each other's company. We shared something.

"I want to know your name."

She was pensive, offering me a fractured smile, "May I ask your indulgence," she sighed as her head dropped an inch or so, "Further indulgence? This has been fun, having this interplay with you. Call me what you like for now and I promise I will tell you my name, just not now. It isn't that I don't trust you. I'll give you my license to prove I don't mind your knowing, if you promise not to look yet. It's just... somehow, it's all turned around. The last few minutes have been a revelation. And I don't want it to stop. Call me whatever you like, and let's keep playing the game." She frowned at her choice of word. "No, I don't like playing emotional games, Tim. That's the wrong word. This is fun. I have enjoyed your calling me Swiss Miss and communicating with me, really communicating. Somehow, it's like getting too used to a new present, if you know my name it sort of feels like we are moving to a new phase, and I like the newness of the present, I don't want to become overly familiar with it, not yet. That's too much like being normal and right now this feels more special than normal. I want to keep the newness a little longer. My name is kinda ordinary really. Don't get your hopes up. It's nowhere near as dramatic or lyrical as Anastasia."

"Or Anna Tazya?" I confirmed.

She broke up again.

"N-No. I just... this is playful, even flirty, and those are things I haven't felt in a long time. They are bright and warm where it was cold and dark and I'm a little scared of going back to that girl I was; that defeated discarded girl."

I bobbed my head in agreement, "Well then, tell me your name when you are ready, and I will never call you that for the rest of our lives."

I had said something, actually a couple to things, that froze her. It wasn't a bad thing. It was more like the sudden rigid contraction before a tremendous release, almost pre orgasmic. I could guess what I had said. But decided to paint it in bold letters, in case I was wrong.

"Just like me, there was nothing wrong with that girl before the mess she got caught up in. I want you to go back to the point before the mess. If you decide you don't want to be called your name once you reach back and discover and reclaim the person you were, then fine. But not out of something someone did to you; that's giving them continuing power to hurt you. I want you to move past that," I paused the, made a point of calling her, "Anna."

Which made her smile. I think she would have laughed except my words solidified the positive things she felt that tensed her up. Her eyes were huge. In a different circumstance I could have pressed my advantage and would have been victorious, it wasn't in her best interests yet. I kicked myself. Being the good guy can really suck. Then again, the good guy sometimes gets a reward that lasts.

"I was only joking about never calling you by your actual name. Although I am flexible. Once you decide, I will happily call you whatever you wish... Miss."

She let out a slight moan. "Oh, I think if you call me "Miss" at the right time you will carve your name permanently across my headboard." Her eyes went wide as she flushed with embarrassment stunned she had said that out loud. She started to crawl away, but I held her still, in a reassuring way.

"I like honesty, and remember you are in charge of whatever we may do tonight. I gave you that power over me. My duty is to protect you, even from yourself."

She let out another moan. "Oh God. God if you..." she burrowed her head in my chest. "I promise to be good and happy tonight, but c-could I get something off my chest? I... it really needs to come out."

"Sure, what do you have to say?"

"Nothing I just need to..." she clamped her arms around me, "I am safe with you, I know I am, and I really need... need to..." she burst into sobs, not just crying but wracking sobs. I realized this was what she had asked my permission to do. Wow. She did trust me. It took about ten minutes. It's funny, same as me back on Jill's lawn, it doesn't take as long as you would think to let it out, especially when you have held in in so long that it sprays out, and she was full into it. It was coming out in a gush. I held her tight. As she quieted I stroked her air, cooing to her to rest, even sleep. She held me and trembled. After a while the trembling stopped, she radiated heat. I'm not sure she knew she said it out loud, muttering right before she fell off to sleep, "I'm safe with him. I'm safe again. I'm safe."

She awoke with a start then she writhed trying to escape, I released my arms and she seemed to realize she was not where she feared. Then she saw that she had put distance between us and hurried to correct what she saw as a massive mistake, as if she was about to lose a precious gift. Her head thudded into my chest as she wrapped herself around me trying to regain her position.

The Swiss Miss was beside herself, "Oh Tim, oh Tim, I'm so sorry! I feel asleep, didn't I? T-This is terrible. I-I must be such a disappointment."

"No, no, baby, you felt great. You just fell asleep in my arms, it was heaven." She shivered hugging more tightly. I just called her "baby". I hoped it didn't sound smarmy; I didn't mean it that way.

"I can't be making a good impression though. I was supposed to do things for you, and I got into a heavy conversation, made you tell me things that made you sad, then broke into tears, and fell asleep. That's a hell of a first date. That's a lot to overcome. I must look a wreck too."

"No, I enjoyed it," I wanted to restore the fun. I changed the temperament, "I even think you are pretty when you drool."

She shot up like a pistol, her hand already clamped to her mouth. She looked at me sidewards, embarrassed.

I shook my head no. Before she could get angry I added, "I would love to see you drool though, I've never seen an anaconda drool."

She stopped for a half second then laughed. She started to get up, I wanted to make sure not in embarrassment. "No," she reaffirmed, "I want to use the ladies' room and clean myself up. I apologize Tim, I really do."

"No need. I can't tell you how much your trusting me like that meant to me."

That stopped her in her tracks. She put her hand to my face starting to pull in for a kiss then stopped conflicted, she still had a bit to work through. That was no wonder.

"Tim, if I live to be a hundred, I can't thank you enough for... that, for allowing that. I-I didn't have any idea how much I was still holding in, or how much I needed that." Her eyes were boring holes in mine. I was hers for the taking, but alas she left me on the shelf.

She looked around scanning for something she knew was there, somewhere. Answering my unasked question she said, "I need my handbag, I need a new face."

"I like this one. I have never been much for makeup."

She smirked. "All guys think that, but we women have our ways."

I decided surrender was the proper course, "Well, if you want more ways, there is a ton of makeup that Bren... that my ex left behind. It's all in the guest bath as I didn't want to keep looking at it in the master bathroom yet thought she might come pick it up. It may be a false move to mention what the other woman had, but she's never going to come get it. You can help me throw it out later if you want." I noticed my voice trailing off. I didn't want to discuss Brenda any longer. She had come up too much tonight already.

The Swiss Miss looked conflicted again, I think for my well-being. She took no umbrage at my offer. In fact, once she spotted her purse, she decided to use the guest bath. She came out and said in a hush, "Your ex had excellent taste. I can't say she still has, because she has proven herself and contemptable fool in the area of choice."

I liked Swiss Miss defending me. "Hungry?" I asked.