Haven

"Well, if you don't need anything else, I'm gonna go on home." She smiled at him easily, her eyes on his for a moment as she thought about the things she really wanted to say...what she really wanted to tell him about how he occupied her every thought day and night, but she knew it wouldn't be wise.

Turning, she was almost at the door, when he called out her name and her breath caught in her chest as she turned around to look at him.

"Can I ask you something?" He stood, telling himself to just let her leave, keep their talks simple and related to work.

"Sure. Go ahead."

"What you told Curtis, about continuing to work here after the semester is over, did you really mean that?" It was something he had wondered about for weeks, and he needed to know, though he wouldn't admit to himself why he was so curious.

"Actually, I did mean it. I really want to continue volunteering here."

"I see."

"Unless..." She shifted uneasily, her eyes downcast. "If you would rather that I not, then I guess I can understand...I mean, I know I am not your favorite person around here, so if you are not thrilled with the idea, I don't have to do it." She still recalled their first encounter and he knew she was thinking about the things he had said to her then.

"Look, Callie..."

"You don't have to explain, Logan. Really. I can volunteer somewhere else..."

"That isn't what I want." He cut her off and she looked up at him again.

"It isn't?"

"No. No, it isn't. The truth is, I am glad you intended to keep working here."

"Really? I thought you...well, you don't like me."

"That isn't true, Callie."

"Well, what you said that first day I came here kind of makes me think otherwise and you kind of avoid being around me, so I just figured..." She lifted a shoulder in an effort to appear as indifferent as she believed him to be, but the pain in her eyes was obvious.

"I know I acted like an ass the day you first came here." Sliding his hands into his pockets, he moved from behind his desk, taking several steps towards her, but paused with at least five feet still separating them. "I looked at you and I made a snap judgment that was completely unfair and unfound and I want you to know now that I am truly sorry."

"Thank you." He had apologized? Wow. She hadn't expected that. "I think I should say it, that I am sorry as well for the things I said to you...for calling you an ass and a dickhead."

"You didn't call me a dickhead."

"Not to your face, but I was thinking it."

At that, he laughed and Callie realized that it was the first time she had ever heard him do so and she smiled. "Okay. Fair enough. Anything else I need to know?"

"That pretty much covers it, but for what it is worth, I have changed my opinion."

"Good. I'm glad. I know I can come across as an ass, but I like to think I'm not."

"You aren't. I know I can seem like a brat..."

"But you really aren't." He finished for her and she smiled again.

"Thanks. And I want you to know, I love volunteering here."

"I am glad to hear it, because I love having you here." The words were out before he had a chance to consider them and Callie felt something inside her flutter...his eyes were on hers, very intent and serious, sucking her into him, telling her what he couldn't with words because he was convinced it would be beyond wrong.

"Logan..."

But he shook his head, to try and ward her off. "Callie, we...you and I know that this isn't a good idea." He waved a hand between them and she pulled her bottom lip through her teeth in an innocent gesture that he found oddly erotic.

"Why? Why is this not a good idea, Logan?" His name sounded almost hypnotic, coming from her, in that satin soft voice that instantly made him hard each time he heard it.

"There are a thousand reasons why you and I don't make sense."

"Name them." She seemed confident as she issued the challenge and he almost smiled.

"For one, I am nine years older than you are."

"You're kidding me?" With a roll of her eyes, she shook her head. "The age card? Are you seriously trying to play the age card?"

"It's a serious issue."

"If you were fifty years older than me, maybe it would be an issue."

"When it comes to life experience, I am about fifty years older than you are, if not more, and that is an issue, sweetheart." It pained him to say but it was the truth and he could not allow himself to hide from it as they stood there, the world that existed beyond his office forgotten, for a time. "I don't mean to sound harsh, and I...hell, Callie, our backgrounds are..." He cursed under his breath as he shook his head and she nodded.

"I see. It's back to that. Stupid Callie has no clue what the real world is like."

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to, because it is obvious that you..." She released a bitter laugh as tears she didn't want to shed came rushing to her eyes. "God, I know I have had it fairly easy in life but I don't understand why you have to hold that against me, why you hate me..."

"Callie, I don't hate you, baby. I never could. I am glad you have had it easy."

"Don't..."

"I mean it." He went to her then, placing his hands on her shoulders as she looked up at him and he lowered the guard he usually held tight around his soul. "I thank God, that you didn't have to live on the streets, that you never saw the things I have saw...that you never had to do the things I had to do, in order to survive. I would never wish that on you, baby, and I am so glad that you had a mother and father that loved you and did everything in their power to make you happy, to give you a good life..." For the first time in longer than he could recall, he had tears, in his eyes and Callie was crying openly as she placed her hands gently on his wrist, all she felt bright, in her beautiful eyes.

"Talk to me, Logan." She whispered the words pleadingly, dying inside at the pain in his eyes as he shook his head.

"I can't. I can't do that to you."

"Yes, you...I think you can tell me, baby. Please. Let me help you."

His eyes closed and that she he swallowed hard, trying to battle back his emotions, his fears and his feelings that he had spent years trying to outrun...feelings that were very close to the surface, powerful and real and threatening to overtake him.

"Listen to me, Logan." She cupped his face in her hands and he opened his eyes to look at her as she drew in a breath, doing what she could to be strong. "I am here and...no matter what I hear, no matter what you tell me, I assure you, I am not going to run or leave, because I...Logan, I care about you so much more than you realize." She was certain she was in love with him, but it didn't seem the time to say as much, she didn't want to overwhelm him, as it was obvious to her, that he was clearly tittering on the edge, wanting to trust her, but not certain if he could fully trust himself to open up the old wounds.

"Don't, Callie. Don't care about me. I am not worth it."

"Bullshit." Despite the tears, she smiled gently and he almost managed to do the same.

"This is new to me"

"What's new?"

"This..." He pulled her to him then, hugging her close as he buried his face in her hair.

"It's new to me, too. I have never felt this before." Her arms went around his waist.

"It's pretty damn scary." His words were muffled, but she heard them and the fear.

"It is, but that's because it is new, not because it is wrong, because I do not believe, for a moment, that this is wrong, Logan." Being in his arms was glorious...she was warm and safe...she was home, she realized, certain she had found her port in the storm.

"Baby..."

"Talk to me, Logan."

His arms tightened around her. "Are you sure? My past is...it is kind of ugly."

Easing back, she lifted her eyes to his, seeing the fear fresh and clear. "I am sure."

Nodding slowly, he took her assurance for what it was, telling himself that it had to be done, she had to know...she had a right to hear it all, firsthand, from him, in detail, so she could see for herself what he had once been and how the past he hated would always, always, be a part of him and all he would ever become.

Taking her hand in his, he walked across the room, to a small sofa that set in the corner and after gesturing for her to sit down, he perched himself in front of her on old oak coffee table, her hand still in his. He couldn't seem to let her go...holding her hand gave him an odd feeling of comfort, it made him feel almost okay, as she quietly looked at him, her eyes filled with concern, with a warmth that seemed genuine and real.

"How...what exactly do you know about my past." He kept her one hand captured in his as he asked, almost fearing her answer.

"Betty told me a little. About your dad leaving. And your mom dying."

"That's all true."

"Betty also told me you don't talk about the past much."

"I don't. Ever, really. It's kind of hard." It hurt like hell, truth be told, but he had to face it, to share it with Callie, so she could better understand why they couldn't act on the feelings that had come to life between them. "I try to avoid thinking about it as much as I can, but..." He gave a heavy sigh as he shook his head and she squeezed his hand.

"Take your time." She was already aching for him, cursing the pain he had suffered.

"Callie..." He lifted his eyes to hers.

"I'm not going anywhere, Logan."

Her words were gently spoken, her eyes kind and warm and understanding as she looked at him and he nodded, not sure where to begin, feeling like he was ripping of a bandage to reveal a wound that had never quite healed.

"You say that..."

"Hey." Callie cut him off quickly. "I am not going anywhere." She stressed each word and he nodded, half smiling, as it began to occur to him that he had indeed misjudged her, because she was far stronger than he had first given her credit.

"You know I was fifteen, when my mom died?"

She nodded slowly. "Betty told me that."

"Did she tell you I was sent to foster care."

"She said you didn't stay long."

"Less than a month. I left right after my foster father beat me for the first and last time."

"Logan..."

But he shook his head, seeing the tears in her eyes, hating that the worst she needed to know about was still yet to come.

"He was a bastard. Beat all the kids. Most stuck around. I didn't."

"Were you hurt badly?"

"Some broken ribs and a lot of bruises."

"I am so sorry."

"It's okay. I mean, I split, because I had to, I thought. I couldn't live in that, I figured that I would be better off on my own and I..." Pausing for a moment, he looked down at her hand still held in his. "I was a stupid kid, I guess, cause I thought I was tough enough to fend for myself, and I thought I could watch my own back and not get hurt at all, if I stayed smart and kept mostly to myself and..." Again, he paused and shook his head, trying but failing to detach himself, in some emotional sense, from all he was telling her.

Easily sensing his struggle, knowing he was hurting and hating it, she squeezed his hand once more, to reassure and comfort him, as best she could, wishing she had the means to take it all away and ease his pain once and for all.

"When I left, I really had no clue where I was going, or what I would do, but I ran and to my surprise it was easy to do. I mean, no one came to find me or anything, I just sort of got really lost in the streets. I was just another homeless kid. Nothing special." He said it all in a very matter of fact manner, but Callie could hear the hurt echoing in his voice and it ripped her apart inside, as she imagined him as a terrified child, all alone in the world. "The first night, I broke into a building, an old building and I slept there, for a while. It was early winter and all so it was cold, at night and I...I kind of thought that I was safe there, because I was alone, but some other kids soon came by and they were a lot older and they said they were taking my place for themselves and I tried to fright, but that was a mistake."

"What happened?"

"I got stabbed twice." He said it almost casually, and she winced.

"Jesus..."

"It wasn't all that bad." Quickly, he tried to reassure her, but she still had fresh tears in her eyes and he knew she was hurting for him. "I got it in the back and in my left side...I ended up at a free clinic, where a doctor stitched me up and then called the police, but I managed to leave as soon as I got the chance, long before the cops showed up." At the time, he had thought the police were what he most had to fear...if he was caught by the cops, he knew they would send him back to foster care and that thought brought nothing but terror to mind, as he recalled the beating he had suffered, that had prompted him to run in the first place.

"What did you do after that?"

He looked at her, the question she had asked had snapped him from a silent reprieve he had fallen into and she sensed he was caught up in the past and she simply wanted to offer him a reminder that she was there, with him...she was there and she wasn't about to leave, no matter what he shared with her, because she already knew, in her heart, that he was the man she wanted in her life for always.

"I went back to the streets, found another old building, and crashed there for a while and I did okay..." He shrugged and looked down at their hands, sill locked together. "I have to say, in a lot of ways, I didn't do to bad, fending for myself. I learned where to find food, where to find a place to sleep and I...I found out quick which restaurants in the area kind of left scraps out for kids to find, so most nights, I managed to find a least something for food. Not anything grand or great or even all that decent tasting, but it was something...to be able to go to sleep and not have your stomach growling for food was a pretty big deal."

"I...I don't know really what to say, other than I am sorry."

"Honestly, Callie, you don't even have to say that."

"I do. I hate that...I hate that you suffered so much, Logan."

"That's just how it happens sometimes. I wasn't the only one. A lot of kids lived the same as I did, making it from day to day, never expecting it to get better, but knowing it could easily get a lot worse."

"And it did, didn't it? Get worse, I mean."

"Yeah. Actually, things...it got a lot worse."

"Was there anyone to help you at all?"

But he shook his head before she even finished the question. "Not really. It's...it is hard to explain it, but you...when you live like that, in this never ending struggle to survive, you tended to learn right away that depending on anyone for anything is foolish, because the only person you can count in is you. Friends aren't really friends. I mean, yeah, there were kids that were kind of grouped up, trying to appear united and tough, but when push came to shove, everyone was out for their own well begin."

"So there was no one you were close to?"

"No. I didn't even get into the group thing, because I didn't want to pretend that I gave a damn about anyone but myself." He flicked his eyes to hers. "That sounds harsh." He knew Callie wasn't at all familiar with such feelings, for that, he was glad...he had meant it when he told her that he was grateful that she had never suffered the hell he had, because the idea of her hurting, in that manner, in any manner, made him feel ill.

"It doesn't sound harsh. It sounds like the way things were for you."

"Callie..."

"Don't shut me out."

"That might actually be the best thing I could do for you."

But it was her turn to shake her head. "I disagree." Lifting his hand to her lips, she kissed it gently and he felt something inside his soul tremble as their eyes locked and held.

"If you change your mind after you hear this, I will understand."

"Logan..."

"I mean, I won't hold it against you. You deserve better."

"Stop it now. I mean...Christ, I am not going anywhere, so tell me."

He smiled at the force in her voice, the reality that she wasn't running...well, he silently amended, she was not running yet, but the odds were, she would and he knew he couldn't blame her in the least, just as he knew he was stalling, because he didn't want to let go of her yet, when simply holding her hand gave him more peace than he had ever known.

"After a while, living like that, time kind of starts to blur and each day and night bleeds all together and you sort of forget about days of the week and holidays and stuff that is important to other people. All you really pay attention to is seasons, because of the change in the weather, as it goes from hot to cold..."

Blowing out a breath, he paused again and Callie allowed him the silent moment, as she easily understood that he was gathering his thoughts and emotions and while she chose not to call him on it, she also knew that he was filtering what details he wanted to share verses the ones that he didn't want to expose her to, in his effort to protect her.

"For two years I...I just struggled really hard and I did what I could, but when I turned seventeen, something happened..." His eyes closed and he seemed to be almost physically ill and it worried her, as she brushed her hand through his hair, wanting desperately to comfort him, in any manner she could.

"It's okay, Logan, you are okay now." He would be okay from now on, she would see to it, she assured herself, knowing she would do everything within her power to help him and give him all the emotions and tenderness and understanding he had been denied as a child.

Leaning into her hand for a moment, he savored the feel, the sensations her tender touch brought to life...she made it possible for him to feel safe and warm and he wanted desperately to take her in his arms and hold tight to her forever. She was sunlight, bright and pure and he wanted to step completely into that brilliant light, but he didn't believe he had the right...he was certain in his soul that she deserved better, but for a moment in time, he wanted to pretend that it was right to have her touch him, even in the most innocent manner.

"Logan."

At the sound of her soft voice, he opened his eyes to look at her and she smiled gently at him, trying hard to hide just how much she was already hurting inside...trying hard to keep firmly in mind that she was determined to be strong for him, no matter what.

"Sit beside me." She patted the cushion next to her on the sofa, but her eyes remained on his, silently assuring him it was okay to move closer.

"Callie..."

"Come on. I don't bite."

At that, he smiled and moved from the coffee table, to the sofa and Callie held back a sigh, feeling greatly relieved that he was at least willing to be closer to her in the physical senses, as she held to his hand, not willing to let go.

"Is this okay?" She gave his hand a gentle squeeze and he nodded.

"Yeah. I like it, actually. Touching you."

"I am really glad to hear it. I want very much for your to touch me."

"You might not..."

"None of that, sweetheart. I want to you to just take your time and talk to me."

He half smiled at her, amazed by her words, her gentle and tender words that made him fee almost safe as he sighed and nodded, turning his thoughts once more to the past that mocked him each time he tried to imagine Callie still wanting him when all would finally be said and done and he would have no place to hide from his history.

"When Betty told you I don't talk about the past, she was right, because there are things, about me, that even she doesn't know." But Callie soon would, she would know more about him than anyone else in his life. "I couldn't tell her, or anyone, because it...when I was seventeen I did something stupid. I started drinking." Three words that were only the tip of the iceberg...one that would get uglier before it was all out in the open.