Hazel's Horrific Halloween Humping

Witch Hazel: "Feeling better?"

Woody the Woodcutter: "I feel like a new man."

Witch Hazel: "A weird co-incidence. Now where were we?"

Woody the Woodcutter: "If I recollect correctly you were just saying that you were a completely reformed character and were going to send me on my way with a tasty and nutritious packed lunch."

Witch Hazel: "Ah yes, I remember now, we were discussing your lunch box. You see shortly before I was banished to this place and put on the rehabilitation programme I had a bit of a thing with a local huntsman."

Woody the Woodcutter: "You were banished?"

Witch Hazel: "An hysterical over-reaction to a trifling offence."

Woody the Woodcutter: "Why what did you do?"

Witch Hazel: "I poisoned Snow White's trifle."

Woody the Woodcutter: "But surely it was an apple?"

Witch Hazel: "Applesolutely not. That was all made up afterwards so as not to jeopardise the king's five a day policy."

Woody the Woodcutter: "And you say you had a thing with a local huntsman?"

Witch Hazel: "I did indeed."

Woody the Woodcutter: "Then you must mean Great Uncle Cedric!"

Witch Hazel: "Yes. He was great alright."

Woody the Woodcutter: "He used to bang on about banging a member of the Royal Family. He would never say who she was, but now I realise it must have been you!"

Witch Hazel: "And how is he?"

Woody the Woodcutter: "I'm afraid he's croaked."

Witch Hazel: "My badness! He's been turned into a frog? Who was it? Not that fat bitch Elvira Mistress of the Dark?"

Woody the Woodcutter: "No! What is it with you and the frogs? When I said "he's croaked," I meant he passed away."

Witch Hazel: "Such a shame. At least I've got my memories."

Woody the Woodcutter: "And let me say, in my opinion despite the bagginess of the outfit I can still tell that your mammaries are magnificent."

Witch Hazel: "My memories you oaf! He threw me onto the bed, pulled my dress up and plunged his mighty weapon inside me, right to the hilt. He was so romantic."

Woody the Woodcutter: "I remember he used to pick flowers for Auntie Agatha on her birthday, but pulling your dress up and plunging his mighty weapon inside you doesn't sound particularly romantic."

Witch Hazel: "Before he rogered me senseless he read me poetry."

Woody the Woodcutter: "I see. And was this after the trifling incident?"

Witch Hazel: "Of course. What sort of psycopathic witch do you think I was? Even before I started the rehabilitation process I would never be unfaithful."

Woody the Woodcutter: "So your poisoning of Snow White's trifle was the 'Unreasonable Behaviour' you mentioned earlier?

Witch Hazel: "Yes."

Woody the Woodcutter: "Which means you're not Witch Hazel. That's just nuts. You're obviously Queen White's wicked step-mother."

Wicked Witch: "I'd preferred to be referred to as the woman formerly known as Queen White's wicked step-mother."

Woody the Woodcutter: "Of course, back in the day you won the 'Knockers Prize' nine times. And let me say, in my opinion despite the bagginess of the outfit that I mentioned a moment ago, I reckon you're still in the top two in the Queendom boobs-wise."

The woman formerly known as Queen White's wicked step-mother: "Steady on son."

Woody the Woodcutter: "Apologies O formerly great Queen, I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject."

Wicked Witch: (I can't be bothered to keep typing 'The woman formerly known as Queen White's wicked step-mother.' You know who I mean.) "Just as well. If you did you'd become a very sore subject yourself pretty swiftly."

Woody the Woodcutter: "I see what you did there. You meant that I, a subject of the realm would become racked with pain. I remember recently reading an article in The Daily Mirror that said you were actually very witty."

Wicked Witch: "Ah yes, the mirror. That reminds me.

Mirror, mirror that used to hang in my hall,

Who has the biggest dick of all?"

Mirror: "O Queen, you've been shafted by many a whopper.

But none that measure up to young Woody's chopper."

Woody the Woodcutter: "That's incredible, can I have a go?"

Wicked Witch: "One doesn't ask 'can I have a go?' to a former monarch. One says 'May I make love to you ma'am?"

Woody the Woodcutter: "I meant a go of the mirror."

Wicked Witch: "I might have known. If you really must."

Woody the Woodcutter: "Mirror, mirror that used to hang in the former Queen's and now reforming witches hall..."

Wicked Witch: "Bad grief!"

Woody the Woodcutter: "Sorry...

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who's the sexiest one of all?"

Mirror: "Really sir, your question is crude,

But Witch Hazel's majestic when in the nude."

Witch Hazel: "Oh my devil! Did you hear that? I'm still sexiest!"

Woody the Woodcutter: "Yes, it appears you were asking the mirror the wrong question all those years ago and also that ridiculously you really are called Witch Hazel."

(For those of you who are unfamiliar with "She's still Snow White. Honest!" the witch persisted in asking

"Mirror, mirror in the hall,

Who's the biggest one of all?"

Thus when we discover that Hazel is the sexiest woman in the Queendom, the "size is everything" concept is exploded. As big as she may be in the bra department, she was surpassed by Snow White. But she's still sexier than her younger rival. The message is quite deep really. Not as in "as deep as the deepest ocean," it doesn't explore the personality issue or anything like that. But give me credit, it's not as obvious as most of my stuff.)

Formerly Wicked Witch Hazel: "Yes. So would you like to show Hazel your nuts?"

(or maybe it is.)

Woody the Woodcutter: "I trust you're not planning anything loathsome."

Formerly Wicked Witch Hazel: "No way. I'm reformed. You'll find this quite wholesome."

There can be no doubt that Woody's pecker will be finding its way into Hazel's hole some time very soon. You may remember that Great Uncle Cedric threw Hazel onto the bed, pulled her dress up and plunged his mighty weapon inside her. You might therefore choose to plunge yours in too. Right to the hilt, in honour of Cedric. But however you choose to hump one another, don't forget your safety word. Fucking witches can be very dangerous.