He Glows

"Yes, you're 100% right. If I didn't know any better Sage, I'd think you were a mind reader. You always answer the question I haven't asked. Or you say the thing I need to hear. It's crazy. But I love it. No one understands me. But you do." I also loved that he shortened Leo to Le. I've always been Leo, except to my grandmother who had been married to grandpa Leonard. She called me Leonard David. She's dead now. Now I'm just Leo. But now I'm Le. To Sage. Just Sage. Exploding butterflies and heart confetti.

"You understand me too. And I trust you. Like I've never trusted anyone else. It's nice. Really, really nice."

We laid there, facing each other in the dark for a really long time. I had the most incredible dreams that night. I woke up happy. I don't like mornings. I don't like starting new things, like new days, each and every new day is a struggle at first. But today, I wasn't struggling. I was happy. It feel weird. But good weird.

We camped for the next few days. I looked forward to going to bed every night. Sage and I talked for hours in the dark over those wonderful days. It was the best camping trip of my life. I looked forward to my hot shower and clean laundry. I yearned for my couch and TV but I started to worry on the trip home. The four of us in Drake's SUV, all kept to ourselves for the whole trip back. Everyone was tired and in their own worlds. Ew, the real world is out there. Waiting for us.

Drake and Jen dropped us off. Jen hugged me extra long. We're going to hang out in like three days from now, but it still felt like a melancholy goodbye. It added to my dread of leaving the safety of the campsite. The safety of the tent. In the dark. With Sage. Even though Sage was right behind me as we entered the house.

We went about our own chores for the upcoming week and later we both ended up in the living room watching TV. It felt different. Awkward and like we were more strangers to each other than ever before. I don't like it at all.

"Hey, where did you go just now?" Sage asked me, startling me out of my brain trap. We weren't even talking to each other, we were just watching TV and chilling. And he still noticed when I started to spin.

"I think I'm just tired. And I'm worried. I am not sure how I'm going to sleep. I think I'm going to lay awake all night and overthink everything. I have like four really great days to fuck up by dissecting them into tiny like worrisome pieces. I guess I'll just get started on it right, fucking, now. You know?" I was taking to Sage, but I spoke it straight ahead to the TV. I glanced over at him now and he's staring right into my soul.

"I was thinking that I'm not going to be able to sleep either. I sleep alone because I don't have anyone to sleep with, but I don't like it. I feel scared when I'm alone. Like my past is lurking in the dark. I've never told anymore that before. But you get it." And I did get it.

"I think it's pretty clear, don't you?" I was going to test his mind reading ability, so that's all I said.

He smiled a big lopsided smile. "Yeah, it's very clear."

And just like that, with no further discussion, we started sleeping together in my room. In my queen sized bed. It was so much better than the tent as far as comfort. And there's a bathroom right through that door. I have climate control and a big glass of cold water within reach. We talked every night in the dark. We just talked, nothing else. But it was the closest I've ever been to anyone, ever. The best relationship in my whole life.

Some nights we went to bed right after dinner, so we could talk longer. We did that on the nights when one of us had had a rough day. I felt good that it was pretty equal. We each had the same amount of bad days on average. I thought I'd monopolize the rough days and I'd be the more needy one, but with Sage I wasn't. And it wasn't just because he had his own bad days, which he did, but he saved me from many bad days before they ever happened, so I had less bad days in my life than before. Much less than ever before.

In the past, I always worried that when my partner or family members of friends were really attentive to me, that I was draining them. And once I'd felt like I'd drained someone too much, used their support too often, I'd pull away. Which made me more unbalanced. I'd get trapped inside my head and fight myself until I eventually ruined everything.

But with Sage, I never felt like that. If I needed him, I could go to him. I didn't feel like I was using him up. He glowed in the dark every night. It's the most beautiful thing. Most of the time his glow is this soft turquoise color that soothes me. I told him he glowed once and he just accepted it. I knew he believed me. If I could see it, he believed I could see it. And that was good enough for both of us.

Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and watch him sleep. He still glowed. It was just greener when he slept. I called that color "sleeping sage" and it was my second favorite color in the world. I bet you can guess the first. A lot of the times when I would wake up and watch him, he'd wake up too. And look right at me. We didn't speak. We just stared at each other. I was more convinced than ever that he could read my mind. And he'd awaken to be with me. We communicated without words.

After a few months I found myself wondering if he'd glow differently if we touched each other. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to see if I could feel the glow. What about if we hugged? Or if we held each other? What if we took it further? Would he shine bright if we were together? I wanted to find out without ever changing anything, which wasn't possible.

One night I felt agitated and he felt it. "Le, talk to me."

"I don't ever want things to change, Sage. How do we keep it the same, without it changing and becoming something it shouldn't be. Something that could hurt us. I don't ever want to hurt you. I would die if I hurt you."

"Oh Le, don't you know? Can't you tell?"

"Tell what?" I was genuinely confused. I never felt confused with Sage. But that's not true, this whole thing is about my confusion. I don't want to be confused with him. I need it to be safe and easy and uncomplicated. I need it to just glow. Why do I wonder about how it would be, how he'd glow differently, how he'd feel when I don't want anything to change. I felt tears running down my face.

"Don't cry Le, please. I don't want you to cry. You're not going to hurt me. Nothing can hurt us. I promise. You know how I know?"

"How?" I squeaked it out between my tears.

"I know because I love you. And I know you love me. You're the only person I glow for, Le. The only person I'll ever glow for. The first night you told me that I glowed, I had a dream. The most amazing dream. I didn't remember all the details when I woke up but I knew, without a doubt, that we were made for one another. You are my soulmate. And I didn't ever believe in soulmates. I don't think it's a strong enough word for us actually. We're more than that. I think we need to come up with our own term. Or we don't, and we just exist in it. Revel in it."

I cried harder. He reached out and touched my arm. And he said "Don't worry, Le. No matter what happens, we're always going to be okay. I promise you. If things between us change, we'll still be fine.

It will always be perfect." He ran his hand up and down my arm. "C'mon love, look at my eyes."

I looked into his green eyes. And I saw forever there. "Give me your hand Sage." I reached my hand out to him. He took his hand off my upper arm and grabbed my hand. Our fingers twined together perfectly. We laid there silently, looking into each other's eyes, holding each other's hand. And I felt it. I could feel his glow through my hand, through my whole body. It was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt. It was electric and soft all at the same time. It pulsed with a life of it's own.

The real world was better too. Work was less of a trial in my life. It was just work, like everyone else had. Things with Drake didn't really change but I dealt with it better. We still yelled at each other, but Sage assured me that that was just my dynamic with Drake and it wasn't broken. If we weren't hurting each other's hearts, we could yell all we wanted. We could punch each other in the face, and we'd still be fine.

Jen didn't know what was different with me, but she knew I was different. She thought I'd found a new doctor and finally found a medicine that worked for me. I told her it was something like that. And I'd smile at her and she'd just shake her head. She wanted to know what was going on, but she didn't push the issue since I was happy. Happier than ever before.

Other than to note the change, I never thought about Julia at all anymore. Not even as a punchline. I let her go completely, in every way. I felt like I gained three inches in height and lost about 145 pounds I didn't realize I'd been carrying around even after we'd broken up, once I put all that shit behind me. It just melted away.

I knew everything there was to know about Sage now. Like the fact that he didn't really have a friends house to go hang out at. At first, he'd go see his friends to hang out, but that was really him going to the library or somewhere else to give me space. He had feared, so much like I did, that he would wear out his good will with me if he didn't give me space. But after we camped, he told me the truth and we never needed space. The real world was enough space for us. When we could be home together, we were.

He'd lived in a shelter before he came to live with me and he'd been hiding that from everyone. His last girlfriend had kicked him out when he was in a really low place and he tried to kill himself. He ended up at the shelter after that. I immediately understood so much about him. His fear of showing his true self to someone. I knew now why he cleaned up behind himself, and me. I just knew him. Easily.

He helped me forgive my dead father, who had caused more damage to me than I'd already had from just having a malfunctions brain. He just jammed horrific hateful things in around the bad circuits until my whole head was an unsafe place. A place I fought to escape. I forgave him because of Sage. I forgave him for myself. And then I closed that door forever. I don't have to go back, I don't have to worry or stress out. It's over, it's gone and I beat it. With Sage. With Sage I can beat anything.

Sage moved in about five and half months ago and it took us ten days to become irreplaceable in each other's lives. We didn't feel the need to explain ourselves to anyone. I mean, we didn't have words to describe ourselves even to ourselves, so how could we possibly have made outsiders understand it. We didn't hide it, there's nothing to hide. We just didn't care what anyone thought. My friends and family didn't really notice anything other than the fact I was happy and Sage was always with me. No one was here when we went to bed and talked, and held hands, so no one knew. But even if they had, it wouldn't have mattered.

Sage turns 26 next week. He doesn't want a gift. He told me he has everything he'll ever need already. I know what he means. But I'm going to make his birthday special. He deserves nothing but the best of everything. He deserves my very best. And I give him my best everyday. But I'm going to make it even better for his birthday. I should worry about my idea, but I don't. Even if the whole plan goes off the rails, we'll be fine. Because we love each other and he's my soul. Not my soulmate, he's my actual soul.

As Sage's birthday grew closer I searched for the perfect gift. I knew what I wanted, but I hadn't found the right one yet. I would keep looking as long as it took. It had to be perfect. I wanted the one that was like us. Misunderstood, that was the key. It had to be misunderstood. We'd understand.

As if the world knew how to have better timing than me, I found it on the morning of his birthday. It was a Sunday and he went to the coffee barn to do a short opening shift. He'd be home by eleven. I hadn't found the gift yet as the day dawned. I was getting worried, but I had a backup plan. If I didn't find the perfect gift, I'd tell him about it and then enlist him in the search, along with me. That was a valid option.

I went out just after he left for work on the morning of his birthday because I'd gotten a lead on another option for the gift, online last night. I arrived at the address I'd found online and went inside. At first everything looked like what I'd already seen. But what I needed had to be different. And then I found a section with some amazing selection and in that pile I found the perfect imperfect gift I wanted to give Sage.

I made it home at 10:34 and I was able to hide the gift in Sage's old room. We never went in there unless it was to get something out of the closet that had become the overflow closet for our room. My house was cool, but closets were a bit on the thin side.

I waited in the kitchen for Sage to get home. I could tell he was close. I had a card and a vase of roses. He liked flowers and I liked having flowers in the house, so roses would appear to be the perfect gift for someone who didn't want a gift. I heard his key in the door. My heart leapt in my chest. I felt flush. I was antsy. And then he walked into the kitchen and his presence calmed me instantly. I heard myself sigh a relaxed kind of sigh. He smiled at the sound.

"Le, what did you do?" he said it as he walked toward me beaming from ear to ear, "I told you that you didn't have to get me anything." He leaned into the flowers and smelled them even as he said it. I just watched it. It was beautiful. He turned and smiled at me and leaned his hip on the counter.

"Open the card" I said.

"Alright" he said it like he didn't want to, but he wanted to and he grabbed it up and gently popped the green envelope open. Her pulled it out and read my inscription. It was a blank card and I'd filled it with my own words. I had looked at the birthday cards but I don't know who they are written for. Certainly not me. Or Sage.

His eyes teared up as he'd read my emotions I'd written for him to see. It had been so easy to write those honest, deeply emotional words. We were experts at telling each other how we felt, it was our super power. But when it's written down, forever in ink, it can feel different. Stronger even.

He stood the card up in front of the vase and looked up at me with his green eyes looking incredibly beautiful. He reached for me and pulled me in to his chest. He squeezed me so tightly. I hugged him back hard, too. We didn't hug a lot, it was just if one of us needed one kind of thing. But this one was different. I realized he was crying onto my shoulder and I whispered soft calming words to him. We hugged for at least six hours, or so it felt. I was different afterward.

Once we'd separated, he thanked me and smelled the roses again, more deeply this time. He touched the card and then picked it up and he read the words again. His smile turned my insides into pudding. Watching him read it a second time was still as powerful as the first time. I enjoyed the fluttery feeling.

He stood up straight after he'd set the card down again. He smiled at me, his usual, happy smile.

"I want to make us lunch, what do you want?" I'd learned a long time ago that when he wanted to cook, he actually needed to cook, so I let the man cook. And I ate every single thing he ever prepared for me. And I made sure to always thank him and make him feel appreciated. I even started insisting on doing this dishes. This man had changed me so much, and all for the better.

"Before we make lunch, can you help me with something?"

"Sure!" he said enthusiastically. Before I could give everything away by smiling at him like a complete fool, I spun around and headed out of the kitchen.

"We need to figure out what to do about something in the spare room" I tried to sound casual as I lead him down the hall. I walked to the door, made sure he was right beside me, and I opened it.

There, on the bed was the imperfect perfection of a gift. His hands came up and he slapped them over his mouth as he made this gasp squeak sound that hit my funny bone. I chuckled at his reaction and his head snapped to look at me, hands still over his gaping mouth. "Le, what did you do?!??"

"I tried to find the misunderstood one. Do you like it?" I asked feeling mostly confident based on his reaction.

"Do I like it? Do I like it? Holy shit Le, I LOVE IT!!!!" and then he squealed and bounced and then he was in the room, reaching for his gift. He scooped it up and pulled it to his chest in an embrace and he turned back to me. "Oh my God, it's perfect, look at it! Look!" He was so excited. My heart burst into a thousand glittery pieces and my eyes filled with tears. I felt like we had a family now.

Sage named her Scorpio. She had three legs and a huge line of fresh scarring where the hair hadn't yet grown back in from her amputation. She was eleven weeks old, had eyes that hadn't changed completely yet and a soft, short solid black coat. She had a meow that was more of a demand and within an hour, she had both of us wrapped around her little black toe beans.

"Can she sleep with us?" Sage asked me.

"She can sleep wherever the fuck she wants. She's the princess here. Who am I to deny her the most comfort she can find and the pleasure of the company of her doting dads?" I was joking, but also completely serious.

Sage leaned over and hugged me again. Today was a banner day. Two hugs, so many life affirming smiles. A fucking kitten! Best day ever. I was so happy. Sage was so happy. Scorpio was so adorable.

After some food, the kitten fell asleep in Sage's crotch. He was on the couch next to me, sitting cross-legged with this tiny black fluff sound asleep right there. He was looking at his phone, doing kitten research.

"Actually, she shouldn't sleep with us right away." He said while he was still scrolling. "It says here that she's basically a baby, obviously, but she needs to learn where her box is and she needs down time to rest. We also have to kitten proof the whole house. I think we should sign up for Chewy for her food and stuff."

I agreed to everything. He loved learning about her and planning her first few days, her first few weeks and pretty much the rest of her life, which he informed me was on average, 15 years. He wanted to pick a vet and he Googled where the closeted emergency vet was. He wanted her to get a microchip as soon as possible. He was in love with her. I was in love with her. I was in love with Sage.

I realized it more every day. I'd loved Sage for a long time, but recently it was different. I didn't just love Sage. I was IN love with Sage. And I planned on telling him. Tonight. His final birthday surprise. I didn't even worry about his reaction. I knew we'd be okay, no matter what. So that night, after he'd settled Scorpio into her 'safe space' for the night, he came to bed.

He gushed about the kitten as we lay in the dark. He had so many plans already. He was precious to me and this was so much fun to watch, to be caught in the middle of. The middle of the kitten love bliss tornado. He finally slowed down and sighed a big satisfied sigh and had a permanent smile on his face.

It was time to talk to him. It was time to tell him. I was a little nervous, but not about his reaction, or about what a big step this was. I was nervous about getting the words right. I wanted it to be perfect for him. So I launched into my semi-rehearsed speech.

"Sage, I have one more thing for your birthday. But I need you to please just listen for a minute, okay?"

He said okay and stayed silent. I knew he could feel my nerves. "Recently, I noticed something was kind of different. Good different, don't worry." I continued "okay, let me just get it out. Okay, wow, I'm, uh....." His hand grabbed mine and my brain settled.