All Comments on 'He Spent His Last £30...'

Hi,

I can see why this would score high with some and low with others. It has a great storyline, but it feels incomplete even as a flash story. The emotions were great. The interaction between him and the hostess/waitress great, but it needed more backstory. Was he hurt by some other girl when he came back from the war? If not, why would he automatically think that no one would have any compassion for his situation? Who was the girl who got the oysters and champagne? If he didn't know her, why did he spend his money? Who was the girl on the moped? Why did she feel compelled to help? Rounding out the story would have helped.

Just to clarify, there was a limit of 750 words for the competition.

Apologies if you find it too brief!

This seemed like an opening paragraph?

I got it and I salute you for writing it. Thanks for sharing.

Thank You!

outstanding thank you 5

Thank you for writing it, you done good, damn good. I am very sorry you did not win the competition. You did write a very good story. your words touched me.

Thank you Mike

I've extended this story and submitted to a fundraising anthology for the survivors of the Grenfell Tower fire.

If it isn't used, I'll upload it here.

And a bloody good bit of writing, too.

Thank You

HP

Hmm, this doesn't need a lot of backstory. In fact, lots is communicated, although not necessary linearly. A stood up army vet with two prosthetic legs and a weird line he was forced to deliver for the birthday girl. Going from here, it's plausible she gets stars in her eyes when near a veteran. Maybe stories from her dad. Then the rescue the broken heart type fantasy which needs no further explanation, and in fact should not be explained.

Yeah, he only invited her to get dry. What happens next can be bad, neutral, or good. Good effect in a short length. It feels resolved while still being quite open. I liked it.