All Comments on 'Heroine Addiction Pt. 02'

Now would be an excellent time to end this story. I consider it past time, but that's just me.

Kari is a completely selfish person acting with zero regard for her husband, because of some super-secret "mission" that I as the reader no longer care about in the slightest. Barry has no self-respect, or he'd have walked away before now. Put Barry out of his (and our) misery and end it here, a paean to an amazingly stupid woman who put her own ego ahead of any shred of respect for her husband and his feelings.

She emotionally brutalized her husband, and perhaps didn't even get laid while doing so. Honestly, if she just fucked Lewis the outcome would have been less painful (or at least shorter, so the same thing) for Barry and the audience.

I have the feeling you have a good writer within you, I'd guess you're better than this story indicates. The plot is so drawn out that I'm groaning under the weight of it, and have lost not only the plot but any further interest in the plot.

Believe it or not, I'm trying to offer constructive criticism here -- it's just too drawn out, and there's no one in this story to admire or even respect at all.

These stories are irritating, probably some of the most irritating on Lit. They have a potential story line, but get wrapped up in paragraphs of soliloquy, rehashing the same point over and over. This story if it was edited would be maybe 3 pages without all the naval gazing..and the wife, she is the protypical dimwit wife in a 1950s TV show,dense isn't even the word. And to be honest using 5 dollar words makes the main character sound like a salt if the earth guy speaking as he thought a college professor would, looking up long synonyms for simple words.

Wow a great touching speech at the end! 5* I cannot await to read the rest of the installments.

Kari appears to be written to be just another dumb female who does not have the capacity to think a plan through with all the potential outcomes, and then try to execute it without involving the most important person in her life. If her plan was a good one, doesn't she think her husband would concur? She NEEDS to hear the problems with the plan, or SHOULD HAVE in this case. Kari the moron. All her female friends, too. Why would any of the neighborhood guys want to be attached to any of these dumb girls? Yes, this should be the end. Find an intelligent partner.

The plot lines in chapter 1 were mess and transitioned into convoluted and ludicrous in chapter 2. I know it’s your story, it’s fiction, it’s not real, but readers must draw from our life experiences and perceptions to relate to a story. None of the Kari plot line made sense. Much of Barry’s actions made any more sense than Kari’s. I think with better writing you could have presented the main storyline without the disconnects, but decided not to. 3.3*

The biggest issue I see here is the entire village is inhabited by women dumber than a box of rocks. None of them tell our heroine her idea is shit, dangerous and ill conceived. None tell their husbands of the insanity about to take place. Every woman there is watching the train wreck in slow motion and acting surprised that anything is damaged. Fiction is a place to lose oneself but we have to be able to suspend disbelief and enter the world the writer has created.

Another problem is how all the female characters talk around and about the plan but never say anything of substance about it. It's like they are following the rules of "Fight Club".

This is so truly bad that it shines and shimmers like a rotten mackerel. What a wordy load of tripe. All so the "author" can keep hiding the ball. A hot tip-no reveal can save this load of bollocks.

Just what the hell was Keri's plan? What was her intention? Was it to screw Lewis and somehow humiliate him in the process? The truth might lie within all the verbiage—but who knows?

OK…so I finished reading this…..thing. Simply put: the Kari character is among the all time morons ever penned on Lit. And this author is about as verbose as ever posted — ludicrously verbose. On and on and on and on…..

.

Oh yeah…..Barry is an idiot too.

.

Just not enjoyable. Stupid premise….moron characters….diarrhea of the keyboard.

.

2 **

I knew what was going son in Chapter one and this chapter didn't really add much other than finally a confrontation. But seriously, way before this in real life I think much of this dialog, even though one sided, would have occurred. I mean early o I felt Barry should have let her say her piece and spill it. He could then tell her how hurtful it is to have everyone know his wife is playing cheating slut to that guy. Even if it is fake it is too physical and not needed. If the guy has on married woman they should just loudly tell him to F off or slap him. Done deal. Also, as he pointed out, ANY woman could have done this. Why does SHE have to he the hero? Obviously she wants the attention, the ego boost, and because the other woman know the husband would be pissed and say no and THEY respect that where Kari does not.

I would not divorce day one but my cold harsh treatment of her would no doubt have her file on me within a year.

End the story here. It's a fitting end to her deceit, I won't bother with further chapters.

I gave this a 5 for Barry's rant. I think he has everything figured out. Kari never argued any point.

Boring and then at "part 4" they reconcile. Waste of my damn time

This has to be THE most boringly repeatitive drivel on this site, needlessly wordy, no NEED for it to be a 4 chapter 'story'.

You started out good but now very boring and not making any sense one minute he is going to his parents hose next he is sneaking around in the woods listening give it up not a good story now and not making any sense

Well, I'm giving a 4 but this could use some editing and advising.

It was sometimes hard to follow.

P.S. I agree with others about having a little less Shakespeare.

Again, more unnecessary delay. Betty obviously knows what's going on, why the fuck doesn't she just tell him?

\

From the title, I think she's doing something that she feels is heroic, that she's addicted to being the heroine. It still doesn't explain why she cam't tell her husband, especially if it's innocent.

\

"She hadn't meant to put her marriage on hold." - You can't unilaterally "put a marriage on hold."

\

"But if she'd asked Barry, he wouldn't have allowed her actions." - If you know your spouse wouldn't allow it, the answer isn't to do it behind their back.

\

We're on page 1 of 3, she now knows she has to come clean, why do we need two more chapters?

\

"if she loves me why would she hide anything from me?" - And the obvious answer is that she's cheating. I assume she isn't cheating, what could she be doing that could be SO important that she'd allow her husband to even THINK that she's cheating?

\

"I need to end this with Lewis" - There shouldn't be anything fucking with Lewis to end.

\

"She can't even believe we talked her into this Lewis thing." - Why the fuck did they? The dragging out of the big reveal is annoying.

\

"We know what we've done to Kari and her life, but we've wrecked Barry too." - Barry, too? He's the primary hurt, Kari volunteered, he had no idea.

\

"you've been grabbing it and rubbing it" - That seems pretty specific! No matter what her "good intentions" are, grabbing and rubbing his cock, even through his clothes is a bridge too far.

\

"You had a chance to come clean and denied me." - Actually, at the end of Part 1, she tried to, she said she'd confess, and he took off.

\

"you planned to take a guy who no one else likes and knock him down a peg" - Yes, if nobody likes him, why not just tell him as a group to get lost?

\

"Incredibly, you rededicated yourself to that decision AFTER you knew I was hurting!" - That's a HUGE point. After he took off, she should have dropped the plan, and told him everything as soon as possible. Why didn't her sister tell Barry what was going on?

\

I agree with the criticism of too much monolog.

\

The story should just end here, with a divorcem but with two more chapters I see a reconciliation coming.

\

If Lewis was so bad that the wives had to concoct this ridiculous, marriage risking plan, why not just have the husbands have a "talk" with Lewis?

This could have all been solved if the collective would have gotten together both husbands and wives and met with Lewis and confronted him if this was the concern and stated they were united on this matter. But based on the story the women went rogue and left the husbands out of the loop, thus caused the rift to develop. Barry was completely in the right on this matter because of the hidden agenda and left to fend the unknown. 5 stars...... so far.......... we shall see what develops in subsequent writings, we shall see conclude further thoughts on the merits of those additional revelations of the story forthwith. So far the women have really biffed it........

No point to visiting sis in law. Was the plan that she have sex with Lewis and then make fun of him? Way too long

"I could walk away.

Sadly, my job and time here were finished. My head dropped. The job was done, the mission complete, a complete failure on my own behalf."

......and 3 pages later, he leaves. That was my comment in my head as I read it, fortunately, I was wrong- it ended in just 2 more paragraphs. Something to look forward to in Chapter 3.....

Lewis gave her something that Barry couldnt. Silence! Barry is a droning beta windbag.

Oh, good grief this story is like wading through knee deep mud, it is exhausting. The author is more in love with listening to himself blab on than telling a tale. The MC makes good points about his wife's motivations but many pages of this silly story could have been summarized in a single paragraph. Who needs an elaborate plan to stop Lewis from hitting on all the wives? Just tell him to stop and the don't invite him to neighborhood functions.

Um.. why not just tell Lewis that he’s not welcome at the parties ok

Doesn’t make any sense. Two stars for making an effort.

It's hard to know what to say here. The author writes pretty well and I can appreciate that. The thing is, at part one I thought this was going to be going down the road of some kind of twisted humor, but part two made it a little bit more serious than that. Now, both characters are facing the horror of what the main character so eloquently explained. I'm with others here- there's two parts to go but I don't see how the characters can recover from this. I hope they're posted, and I'll read them, but I wonder if I'm not suffering a little bit from the sunk cost effect.

I don't mind your overwrought/emo style, but I think you focus too much on the "twist/misdirection". You don't want to confuse your readers.

A perfect example of "How to say something in one hundred words when it could have been said in ten". It's so verbose that it's completely over the top.

The "Barry" is so stupid as to be terminally retarded. Even when he was talking to Betty, Kari's sister, who knew all about what was going on, dumbo Barry doesn't ask a direct question. Like "Look bitch, stop all the fluffing around and tell me exactly what my cheating slut of a wife is doing. She's obviously told you all about it, so now is the time for her husband to also know. Speak up..."

Plus, Barry's breaking down and crying like some over emotional female, is vomit inducing. Have a bit of self respect and stop crying and acting like some TV soap drama victim. It's ridiculous... and two more chapters still to come!

I can not wait to see the nude painting that Lewis

has been painting of the wife.......for her husband'

To me she hasn't really felt the real pain.......just the guilt. Time to set the divorce and bang her worst enemy. Of course put it on your social media platform so her humiliation and lose complete... . A eye for an eye so to speak

I know it's only part 2, but I really think it should end just like this.

The fact that no one was willing to explain what was going on as the "mission" continued on is what is implausible.

And, like so many others have expressed, get an editor to pare down the extraneous and redundant dialogue/ monologues.

Gave up on page one. First part was hard enough to follow, and just a few paragraphs into part 2, I didn’t feel like rereading it to figure out what was happening.

Way too wordy and convoluted.

I like ChoppedLiver. But the women he has portrayed who have sex are the UNSEXIEST people I could imagine having sex, especially good sex. This latest twat i can't imagine giving good head or even accepting good head. OMG that Splashdown Bitch!! Just a floppy flsh with ZERO imagination. He tried to make her sexy but all I got was a piece of plywood with an overwet hole.

To many monologs. It's just not believable to have someone monolog at someone for half hour stretches.

The whole scene with the coffee cups was wasted verbiage. I get that you were making this whole point, but in the overall flow of the story, it was a sandbar upon which your top-heavy vessel was stranded. These diversions do nothing but deflect the reader's interest; if you've hooked us with the looming suspense, it irritates us. It did me. I'm thinking, why do I care about the stupid cups? The donuts? Move on with the story. As a writer, we see everything through the lens of our creativity and need to tell our story the way we want to tell it. To the reader who doesn't have the insight (because the writer knows where it's going), these interludes frustrate and bore. Honestly, if anyone was enthralled by that scene and read it a couple of times, pondered it a bit, and was awed, then it's because the rest of the story didn't hold their interest. On the contrary, it was wasted because it detracted from a good story.

-

The scene where MC is leaving? I still don't know what that was about. Did the sister know Kari was cheating? If so, it wasn't clearly written. Too much nuance. When you write, you see, hear, and feel it as you create the story. So, when you read your work, it's perfectly clear to you because, rereading it, you "see" it with a clarity that the first-time reader will not and cannot have. The scene was written with confusing brilliance, or perhaps it was brilliant confusion. Edit it down to its bare bones, add some action beats or illustrative dialogue tags, and it's great.

-

Much of a writer's extraneous verbiage comes from the need to ensure your readers understand. Three repeats of the dog testicle tick reference were overkill. We got it the first time. Lots of that overreach in this story--I felt like a baby seal after reading it. I struck my forehead as many times as Tom did. Say it once; say it clearly, and trust your readers.

-

It's like this: you're the premium architect and builder, but you need a good finish carpenter and painter. Use beta readers. Get an editor. You're too good not to avail yourself of that feedback and collaboration.

Much too wordy. Your characters keep saying things over and over.

Page 3 was too long. The confrontation was odd.

Still going to read 3 and 4.

Please make sure to clarify it all at the end.

Yeah Kari was a hero alright. And like many heroes ends tragically.

Please don't reveal that the scene in the bushes was a tormented dream of Barry's. That's too easy a way to write out of the corner you painted yourself into.

If Barry would let the poor woman talk, maybe we hapless readers would know what the hell is going on. Instead we get an indulgent and embarrassing full-page rant.

Inane. Pointless. Lacking a plot and an adult dialogue. Barry is so full of himself and loves hearing his own speeches, he won't allow others to speak. And he has a wife who apparently is incapable of speech. Whatever is supposed to happen here, won't. Try a rewrite of this.

There is so much emotion from Barry, I had to stop several times during reading this. This is so much better than your “Splashdown” series. Much less wordy, but the point is made. Can’t wait for the next chapter…….

Thank yo for writing…… 5⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Anyone who did not know something like this was going to happen by the time they finished part one probably should not vote. If you held a gun to my head I still couldn’t drag stuff out this long. Almost quit reading after page one of part two. I am looking forward to finding out how the story ends up but I’m scared they’re going to get back together

Also... "condiments" doesn't mean what you think it means.

@c24j, I'm still curious as to just what their great plan was!

@WaveDave45 Re: "Everyone should just avoid him. The flirting with wives thing, husband should comfort or couple should avoid depending on how macho you feel you need to be." - Think I said something similar, that if nobody likes this guy, why don't they all just tell him to fuck off?

@Aardie, first line of first page says,"Part 2 of 4. All parts written"

I had a difficult time simply based on the whiny husband. No matter the provocation, if he really believed in his wife he should have given her the chance to explain or finish, THEN explain. Too many times we see only one perspective and get so convinced that our view is the only truth.

Talk about laboring the point. What an agony aunt approach. Barry is on an ego trip.. or is it really the author's?

Absolutely used more useless words than any story I’ve ever read not even limited to this site. I skipped through most of the paragraphs from the time that he started home with her, frankly fearing that I might miss something. Nope, in the final paragraph I realized that I’d missed nothing except her facial and eye expressions and exploration of his psyche.

If this winds up being a RAAC, I'll throw my fucking computer out the fucking window.

Talk about rambling on and on and on and on! Don't give up your day time job.

I think Barry must work at tha Department of Redundancy Department

Wait.....wait.... so the neighborhood hens society's whole plan was to seduce the scumbag narcissist then stop and go "ha ha you aren't getting any". That was their endgame? So then what? He moves away in shame due to not completing his seduction? He becomes a better person becomes the housewife with alley cat morals spurns him? That was their plan? If he's a narcissist then none of that will work, he'll just take the positives of a near full conquest and use it as fuel to try harder next time. The husband beatdown was a better plan and it took 5 minutes to plan and execute. Not months of lying, flirtation, and infidelity. That just....really....really freaking dumb. Even if I believed their bullshit motives, and could live with the derision this caused (which I couldn't). I simply couldn't be married to someone that stupid. Bottom line, I could never again trust any decisions you ever make moving forward because I would deem you an idiot. So better to split.

Wow - two paragraphs into three pages - and still the story is not finished. This should not be a multipart story. Other than the fact its not original its overthought and overwritten

I commend you for listening to some of the feedback to the Splashdown series and reducing the number of times the main character rehashes the same thoughts and plot points. (Although this last scene slipped back a little in that regard.). But overall, I enjoy your stories and the tension you convey from multiple points of view. Please keep writing!

I haven't rated this yet. I do not understand why Barry speaks in such length as his wife is portrayed either dumb as a box of rocks or so self centered she only thinks of being the star of this 2 act disaster. I think the writer also painted himself into a corner...What is next in 3 and 4? RECON? A walk away or does Kari continue to rationalize her "Heroism"? .... I will probably not read much of 3 as the course has been set in such a way that any outcome short of Barry getting on with his life is foolish prophesy... Finally after writing this comment section I will rethink and give this a 2/5.

I think the author is so convoluted into believing he's a good storyteller that his continuous rants about how how he got screwed that the same metaphoric lines he used became boring. His rediculous concept of beating around the bush to keep us hooked derived nothing but contempt for the story and even then had a fools gold ending at best. No points at all from this reader..Just a waste of time...

The damn “plan”. What is this “plan” they all talk about him understanding when he hears the truth. I think they’re finished as a couple. He did kick Lewis ass pretty nicely, and I hope the other guys finished him. I ve never looked more forward to another part of a story that I don’t really understand.

I agree with HDK. How dumb is it to believe that betrayal occurs only when the cock goes in?

The attempted misdirection was poorly executed. The idea that a woman would jeopardize her marriage to teach a jerk a lesson, not very realistic.

The husband talks so much that wifey doesn’t ever coherently lay out how she planned to deliver a lesson to the lothario. Heavy petting is all i got out of this. Think I’d walk away from her too

Later with all the girls

Neighbors wife: "DAMN GURL! You got away with it!"

This is the same author who did "Splashdown". He can write, has good insights into human behavior, but he needlessly duplicates what he says over and over. He says it slightly different ways, and the paragraphs form a wall of text. It just gets old. But the bones of the stories are good, so we persevere.

It’s starting to get stupid, really stupid. It’s becoming a real mission to read and follow the storyline. Any tale that causes that has something wrong with it. Way too turgid.

Scores 2/5

@HDK Re: "None of them tell our heroine her idea is shit, dangerous and ill conceived." - That's because they all share the idea.

Really? If this is the route we are taking, I am not riding with you (1 Star):

- The first 1/2 page in the 2nd installment of a 4 part story is a debate about whether to use real coffee mugs or paper cups a despondent / missing brother in law who lives hours away brought over at 6 am on a Sunday?

- Then sister-in-law (apparently along with every other character born with a vagina), know exactly what his wife is doing and why and won't tell him. Instead she lead us into another 1/4 page of a bizarre discussion on whether his situation is analogous to being Batman, Alfred or Robbin. No...he is Bruce Wayne's toilet and getting crapped on!

Seems like we can't move on to relevant matters in a very long story. I am out.

Badly overwritten and repetitious. For example, the visit to Sister's did nothing for character or plot and should have been scrapped.

The one thing the main character loves more than his wife is the sound of his own voice.

⭐⭐

Couldn't believe it got worse.

Well written prose but the build up of her "mission", why she did it, and the fact that it was engineered by all the neighborhood wives as a stupid plot with no real reward or benefit, but her assuming all the risk and hurting her husband, really came off as showing how dumb Kari is. Espwcially continuing agter the blowup at the end of chapter 1.

There is no doubt she cheated. She was clearly about to blueball Lewis but they were somewhere rounding second base, with her jacking him off inside his pants while he kissed her neck and ear and mauled her breasts, before she was going to burn Lewis and deride him sexually.

For some inscrutable reasons, Kari somehow thought the payoff would fix things? That is moronic. What would be the post Lewis dialog had she been successful and hubby unaware?

"Hey honey, I humiliated Lewis the neighborhood douchebag, taking him down a peg sexually, by jacking him until he nearly came, letting him grope and make out with me, and please note that we had other sessions before this building up to this point as I teased and flirted with him and kissed him, leading him on, but hey I stopped this last time to humiliate him and then let him know that he is a jerk and he will never have any woman in this neighborhood! Isn't that great? Aren't you proud of me? All good right? I'm horny. Take me to the bedroom." Umm not just no, but hell no! Seriously.

In the first chapter, maybe it was left open to the possibility Kari was helping to set the guy up with law enforcement or someone else or to plain humiliate Lewis at the party in front of everyone. But here her rationale about why she went through with it and all that phone dialog where she was convinced she had to do it for the greater good and hubby would just laugh and forgive her, makes zero sense. She is either very low IQ (and low emotional IQ to boot) or she has psychological issues regarding making moral choices.

Like he said why not have this setup with one of the least attractive wives? Why not just have all the women individually tell him off and then tell their husbands? Nope instead she goes for the cheating (2nd base) route. Wtf? And this is after hurting her husband, disrespecting him by nit listening to his concerns, him overhearing the long phone conversation, him storming out and her begging him that she will confess and she still goes through yo the final phase. Yeah really stupid.

Meanwhile the husband is just monologuing the entire last page. Her initial explanation to him somehow happens off page at the bottom of page two while walking home. We only get to read his summary. She never gets a word in because she is in shock or blubbering and he just keeps ratcheting up the anger and rhe condemnations. No conversation in a marital argument is that one sided unless there is a referee in the form of a counselor or judge letting each side speak and even then wouldn't be that one sided or long.

Also the conclusions by the husbands that each wife was going to do this one by one (eben worse they assumed an actual affair) to Lewis is hyperbole and paranoid overreaction based on what they hear. Lot of overdramatic moments for both the hubby and the rest of the husbands. Yeesh.

And now all the husbands have assaulted Lewis. Wow. Nothing bad can come of that right? I mean with three people rhe only way to keep a secret is to kill two of them. So now the whole neighborhood both husbands and wives are embroiled in this mess.

So yeah this fell flat as Kari (and the other wives) come off as incredibly dumb. The purported payoff was not remotely worth what she did. While motivations do matter for some people where cheating is involved, when the cheating less destructive and forgiveness and even reconciliation is possible, her motivations wee so laughably dumb as to be retarded or psychotic. Take your pick. That just derailed the story.

I didn't like the pivotal scene where we FINALLY saw the cheaters together,

Good writing in the narration. Very preachy prose for him, and everything is overly cryptic when the women are talking about themselves... Clearly to keep us in the dark but it makes for unrealistic discussions.

And how in fuck would any woman think it wasn't cheating because I was gonna burn him after giving him a hand job? I mean shit, dude would be bragging about that hand job from the hottest wife in the neighborhood. How was the burn conversation gonna go?

Aftert finishing the have job, "God your too tiny to fuck! You're such a slime! Burn!"

"Salright Birch, I got mine.... And I'll tell everyone one on the block including hubby if you don't let me fuck you. I can describe your tits and how you wack a guy off to him, and... Oh, I recorded it to boot since I'm an asshole. Now shut up and fuck me bitch"

Sounds like more realistic of an end to that scene than whatever she may have had planned...

I like most of your stuff but this one seems to forced.

Yet... You did your job and entertained me... Guess I'll read the next chapter and hope there's not a reconciliation in this one. She's too stupid to remain faithful based on this story...

Oh... And the idea she thought it was a good idea, and her sister and friends thought so too and thought her husband would be okay with kissing and flirting and hand jobs for some weird burn end that I still can't envision... Even less credible... Those are some terrible people she calls friends.

6 pages to cover what 3 could have with same affect. rather good idea for a story though.

It’s just so many repeating words, just too many times, the plot is a good idea but……. Too many words