Hey Nineteen

"She's the kind of person who will give it up for money," I said, not at all enthusiastic about this idea.

"Give what up?"

I could only stare for a minute. "You know... it"

"What? Her body? Her virtue? Her dignity? She's single and unattached, so it can't be her fidelity. Which of those would mean you taking it from her, and not her taking it from you?"

"C'mon, April. It's different for women." I knew it was idiotic as soon as I said it. Old ideas die hard. 'Hey, old timer, haven't you heard? Women have orgasms now. They even like it.'

"Give it a chance, Tom. Meet her, if she agrees. Find out for yourself. She's a lot more than that, and she doesn't make a habit of it. We think, no we know, she is someone you can respect. We think you'll enjoy her company."

"Sure, in bed."

"Not just," Mickey said.

I shook my head. "If it was anybody else making this suggestion, I wouldn't give it a second thought. It would be a no, and that would be final. I trust you guys, a lot. I'll meet her. But no guarantees. I'm really skeptical, to say the least."

"It's not going to be a relationship," April said. "At least, not one that goes beyond the weekend. She's not looking for that. You're not, not yet, and not like this. I think it might help you get over the hump."

"Or get you humping over and over," Mickey said. His laugh was cut off by an elbow in the ribs from April. "Hey! We're guys. I know how we think. Am I right, Tom?"

I had to laugh. "You're not wrong. But still..."

My objections were dismissed. The argument was over, and next Friday evening, the start of the 4th of July weekend, April and Mickey and a living myth showed up at my house.

===

Promptly at 5, my doorbell rang. I let Mickey and April in, along with a young girl. An achingly young and beautiful girl. She was clearly not a child, but she was so, so young. She had a very slim figure, with subtle but real curves in all the right places. She had a firm gaze that probed my eyes without self-consciousness.

I scolded myself for thinking like that. Not from guilt, but because she was younger than my daughter. I honestly had no idea why she was there.

"I'm Sarah," she introduced herself, holding out a hand. I took it. It felt so delicate in mine. She had the kind of poise and dignity that seemed to demand that I kiss the back of it, that demanded an etiquette that hadn't been common for generations. We shook hands instead, and it seemed to satisfy her.

"I've heard a lot about you," she said. I couldn't help feeling that she looked familiar somehow.

I looked at April. She was just turning back to me with a look on her face that was hard to read. She'd noticed the empty space on the mantle.

The space where Annie's picture had sat since the funeral, watching over me, comforting me. Holding me.

April's look turned to one of understanding, tinged with sadness. She would know that it didn't mean I was committed yet, but it was a step.

I wondered if it was. I didn't intend it to be a permanent change, but given what was going to be discussed here, and maybe acted upon over the weekend, it just didn't feel right to have her watching.

My first thought was simply to turn her pictures face down, but I couldn't bear to do that. It felt too disrespectful. So I brought them into my office, and arranged them on my desk, the desk I hadn't used except to pay bills in all this time.

After this weekend, I would have to go in there again to have a reckoning. Not with her, but with myself.

I invited them in to sit in the living room. Sarah sat next to me on the couch. She was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, not exactly showing off her body, but even through the thick clothes, I could see that they hid some pretty tantalizing shapes.

"So.... what's going on?" I asked.

"Meet your mythical creature," Mickey said.

I looked at Sarah, eyes wide. "What? I don't understand."

April started to speak, but Sarah said. "Aunt April, let me explain."

April nodded. Mickey got a twinkle in his eye and mimicked eating popcorn. "This is going to be good," he said.

'Aunt April'? Another flash of recognition tickled the back of my mind. Not to mention the realization that April was trying to pimp out her niece.

I turned to Sarah, to get another look at her face. She had turned sideways on the couch, one leg tucked under her, to face me. "I'm here to spend the weekend having sex with you," she said. "If you'll have me."

My mouth worked like a drowning puppy. Sarah went on. "Aunt April told me about your situation...."

I wracked my brain for a face to match the one I saw in front of me. One in a context that would tell me who she was. Mickey and April had been almost like an extended family to Annie and me. We spent the occasional holidays with them and their family. A wedding or funeral here and there.

My head swung around to April. "She's your niece?"

"Nelly's daughter. But don't let that complicate things. She's her own person, she's made this decision rationally. Let her explain."

I remembered Nelly. A few years older than April, with the same sharp body and sharp mind.

A Thanksgiving dinner when circumstance and winter weather conspired to keep Annie and I at home, and everyone else away from town. A precocious thirteen year old, smarter than her years, a pretty little girl. Emphasis on 'little girl'. This couldn't be her. There had been no sign yet of the woman sitting next to me, other than a pretty face and an almost comically fierce intellectual bent.

It had to be six years ago. She sat at the kid's table reading a science book, oblivious to the rowdiness of the other young ones at the table.

I turned back to Sarah.

"Yes, very rationally. In short, I want to do this," she said.

"How old are you?" I asked her bluntly.

"I'm nineteen."

My stomach lurched and my heart pounded. This was wrong, so wrong. But it was also the dream. What fifty year old man did not imagine a nineteen year old college girl built like the cheerleaders he pined for back in school offering herself to him?

But it was still wrong. I thought I had an out, and reluctantly played it, telling myself what an idiot I was for trying. "Assuming I take you up on the offer, how much will this cost me?" I asked April.

Sarah answered for herself. "It will cost you nothing. Uncle Mickey and Aunt April have asked me not to discuss their side of the terms. Trust me, it isn't cheap, but consider it a gift."

I turned back to Mickey and April, my mouth agape. "You can thank us after," April said. "But for now, we won't hear it, and we won't hear any refusal to accept on those grounds."

"But this...."

"I know," April said. "But this is your mythical creature. Just listen."

Sarah was smiling. "As I said, April told me about your situation. I am terribly sorry for what you've lost. I can't imagine how hard it has been."

I wondered if it was progress that when she said that, the first thing I thought was that I couldn't remember the last time I'd been as hard as I was right then.

She went on. "I'm intrigued. Boys my age are mostly unsatisfying. Nice for a quick fling, but they get boring, fast. They fumble and bumble in bed, which would be OK if they were both sincere and could hold a conversation. Unfortunately, either is a bit unusual; both together is rare.

"So I prefer older men. Though not your age, until now. I've liked it, a lot, but a relationship isn't really in the cards. No matter how well we get along, in or out of bed, and how much we like each other, we don't really connect. Not much in common and we're at different stages of our lives. That will be even more so with you, but April assures me that you're not expecting or looking for a relationship.

"So yes, I am doing this for money, but there would not be enough money in the world to get me to do it if I wasn't interested without it, if you were not the kind of person April describes you as. I'm doing this for my own benefit."

I was intrigued too. She had the same matter-of-fact, get everything in the open attitude that April had. It must run in the family. She had this all figured out, more than I could have done. But I still couldn't bring myself to accept the offer.

She saw my hesitation. "I'm nineteen. I lost my virginity at 14. It was on my own initiative. When I want something, I do what it takes, within reason, to get it. So my old neighborhood has a 16 year old boy named Alex who has some very, very nice memories to look back on."

I couldn't believe what she was saying. And what I was being offered. "And you want this? My old worn out body? You think that will somehow improve your life?"

"From what April says, you're not all that worn out. She assures me that you are able in every respect to satisfy a woman. I can reasonably expect to have several very intense orgasms."

I considered being outraged about what had to be a blatant HIPAA violation, but that would be just too petty.

Sarah was on a roll, and she was not going to stop till she got it all out. "Orgasms are easy. Even the boys my age manage to make it happen once in a while. But I want more. I want new experiences. Not just sexual experiences, but other kinds as well. Meaningful experiences.

"You've had experiences, out there in the world, that I cannot have had yet. You've seen history in real time that I can only read about in books. You've seen things, done things, that I can only imagine. I want to pick your brain as well as drain your balls."

I could only sit stunned, "So, what, you'll just do anything I ask. Like if I asked you to strip off all your clothes right now and suck my dick, you would?"

"No. We have not discussed my terms yet. But hypothetically, if we had, then yes."

"I thought Mickey and April were paying?" I looked around to them, worried that I'd misunderstood. But April just shook her head. "Not the money," she said.

"Then what?" I turned back to Sarah.

"There are things I expect from this, above and beyond financial compensation. Things that are the real reason I'm willing to do this."

"OK, what are they?" Given what I'd heard, I could not imagine any conditions I would not happily meet.

Mickey slapped his thighs. "Who's hungry," he asked, and made to stand.

"I am," April said. "You two can continue this over dinner. And your decision cannot be made until after anyway."

I looked at Sarah. She nodded. "That's one of my conditions, that you don't decide until after we've had time to get to know each other. As much as we can over one dinner."

"Our dinner reservation is in less than an hour." April reminded us.

"I need to change. My case is still in the car," Sarah said.

I nodded and led her to the door. I left it opened when she elegantly walked through it, and turned back to my friends. "What the fucking hell?".

"You don't like her?"

"Oh, I want to marry her." The reference could have crushed me, but I let it slide off my back. "But that isn't the point. How did you put this all together? And why?"

"The why should be obvious," April said. "You need it. Your point about the mythological whore reminded me of Sarah. She's always been like this. My sister, her mother, is like this. We grew up like this, though it all seems to have come together in Sarah.

"As soon as the idea came up, we knew it was right. It's like she was made for your situation, and your situation was made for her."

"She was made to prostitute herself?"

"No Tom" April said. A faint tone of annoyance crept into her voice. "She was made to experience life, in every way she can. She's a brilliant girl, she needs intellectual stimulation as much as anything. And she's pretty open about having a strong sexual appetite. That also..."

She cut herself off, apparently not as open about it as her niece. Even if Micky hadn't been dropping hints about it since he's known her, I would have guessed.

She went on without finishing her thought. "When the thought of her, and your situation, came up, the first thought we had, or at least I had, was that it was an opportunity for her. Not for you, but for her."

"Offering to pay her was just, like she said, a way to close the deal" Mickey said. "Trust me, She's getting as much out of this as you."

I ran my hand through my hair. "God. It just seems wrong. She's so young."

"She's an adult."

"Oh, sure, legal, barely. But still..."

"But still nothing." April insisted. "She's an adult, she's rational, she knows what is good for her and what isn't. You're not taking advantage of her, any more than she is taking advantage of you. And believe me, knowing her, and knowing the state you're in, that thought crossed our minds as well. You're vulnerable. But we trust her as much as we trust you. There's no taking advantage either way here. Just relax and enjoy it."

"Couple questions," Sarah said, insinuating herself back in through the door. "How should I dress for dinner? Fuzzy sweater, conservative, modest, slinky, trashy?"

"Slinky sounds good," I said, without thinking about it.

"Good, I was hoping. Where can I change?"

I showed her to the hall bathroom.

I came back after cleaning myself up in my private bathroom and looked at Mickey and April. "Seriously?" I said.

"This is real, Tom," April assured me.

"I'll believe it when I..." my jaw dropped. Sarah came out of the bedroom in a dress that was more than skin tight. Her small breasts were revealed in almost their full shape, nipples poking through the thin fabric. It hugged her hips so well that I expected to see camel toe. The hemline looked like it was level with the bottom of her crotch, but a thigh gap made it uncertain exactly where her long legs ended and that wonder started.

Her body was long and lean, a sinuous curve from her thighs through a small, tight, but definitely female ass, through the curve of her back and across her chest and neck. For as short as the dress was at the bottom, the collar was high and tight, making her look almost bound.

"Oh my god," I said.

"I thought you'd like it." she smiled and turned to let me see her from behind.

"You'll be wondering all night," she said.

"Wondering what?" I could think of a lot of things I would be wondering about. I just wasn't sure which specific one she was referring to.

"Whether or not I am wearing panties. But you won't get to find out unless you agree to this weekend."

"That's so not fair," I said. I would sign over my house right now if that was what it took to find out.

"Absolutely," she said. "I play honest, but I don't play fair."

At the door, I stopped and let Mickey and April walk ahead toward the car. I stood facing Sarah. "It's not too late to back out," I said.

"I don't want to back out."

"You understand the things I want to do to that body?"

"I'm looking forward to it. To all the things."

"You'll wake me up when the dream is over?"

She smiled. "I'll wake you up with a blowjob every morning if you like."

"Oh god. Can I kiss you?"

"Where?"

I looked her up and down. "Everywhere. Every god damn square inch of you. But for now, your mouth will do."

I leaned into her, but she stopped me with a delicate finger against my lips. "Not yet," she said.

April and Mickey had overheard it. April gave me a knowing look. Knowing, and satisfied. She knew my decision, even if I pretended to myself that I didn't.

---

We rode mostly in silence to the restaurant, and it gave me time to think. Not just the silence, but the darkness. It meant I could barely see Sarah. Just her face, and her bright blue-gray eyes. And her red lips. And her thin nose.

Shit. I was acting like a teenager. Feeling like one too. Not the kind of teenager with more virility than a forty-nine year old man, but the kind of teenager who has never seen a bare breast before and thought he might finally get his chance.

The dim light saved me the distraction of her dress and what it all but completely failed to hide. It wasn't black, it was some kind of blue that was hard to distinguish from black, other than it being blue, somehow.

I shook my head. More of a shudder shake than a 'no' shake. I needed to clear my brain, think about this rationally.

But thinking about it meant thinking of Annie. It was inescapable. I was pretty sure I was beyond the moroseness. Beyond thinking about how terrible anything that made me smile was because Annie wasn't either the object of it or there to share it with.

I was thinking of her as someone I had to...

Goddammit, no, not forget.

Someone I had to say goodbye to. Someone I had to remember, as part of my past.

If felt my throat tighten. I loved her so much. I love her so much. I clamped my eyes shut and felt moisture squeeze from the corner of one.

I took a deep breath and jerked my head to try to clear it. It wouldn't be fair to any of them for me to break down now. But was what they were proposing the right way to get past this?

I didn't know. It still felt cheap and wrong somehow, despite how impressive Sarah was turning out to be. Mickey and April were right, she was a mythical creature. She was someone I could respect. Someone Annie would respect. But whether it was the kind of respect that carried over to carrying on an affair with a girl younger than our daughter, someone thirty years younger than me?

I just didn't know.

I made it to the restaurant in one piece.

The restaurant was crowded. I wondered why April always wanted to have sexually explicit conversations among a crowd, but we all managed to keep our voices down below the general buzz of other conversations and clinking dinnerware.

Sarah wanted to talk terms. Not the money, however much it was, but what we would each get from the time together. What I would get was pretty obvious, in the main. I still could not imagine what she would get from it.

"I'll do anything you want," she began, like making a pitch to a corporate board, "within some very broad limits. I'm pretty adventurous. If your tastes are plain vanilla, then you won't run up against those limits.

"A few bullet points." She ticked them off on her fingers. "Swallow, yes; anal, meh, but I don't hate it; public nudity, not against the idea; public sex, maybe not, but we'll see, if it comes up; bondage: only light and playful, not into it for real; pain or humiliation: that's a hard nope, though again, I might be a little flexible if it's just playing; condoms: not necessary, and I prefer without; other people involved: again, a hard nope. April gives you a clean bill of health, physically and character wise, so lets keep it between us.

"Anything I missed?"

"Gulp," I said out loud. Sarah has a very nice laugh. "That list is a lot more complete than I would have come up with. So what can I offer you?"

"First, make me cum. Not every time, one-sided is ok, but you'll have to make it up to me. Reciprocate. At least make a sincere effort. April tells me you're both skilled and generous in that regard."

I gave Mickey and April a look. "Is this for real?"

April nodded, Mickey had a grin that threatened to split his face in two. "What I wouldn't do for a hall pass," he said.

April shot him a look that wasn't mad, but was more calculating. "Not a chance," she said, but she was scheming something.

Sarah was offering to wipe out my entire bucket list in one weekend, though I doubted I would be able to get through all of it. Yeah, my tastes ran pretty vanilla. But there were a few things I'd always thought of that Annie was never willing to indulge.

Not that Annie had been a prude, but she wasn't adventurous. It never mattered to me anyway. The few outliers, the few things that might be more butter pecan than plain vanilla, I never missed them. What we had was so great that a few missed indulgences that probably wouldn't have turned out as great in real life as they seemed in my head were a drop in the bucket.