Hey Twister—Letters To My Dead Twin

Owen thought it would be nice to go out to dinner Thursday night, just the three of us. He chose a little Italian place which would have been lovely if Elise was in the mood. She threw bread and pasta and made a right royal spectacle of us. An older couple at the table next to us smiled, and later we discovered they had paid for our meal, asking the waiter to tell us that they had a similar dinner when their now twenty-three-year-old was a baby, but it does get better.

Part of our talking on Thursday was whether we felt comfortable moving into your room. It then evolved into how we feel we are living in your home and what effects that has on us. It's something we've decided to park for the time being but readdress after Christmas. Elise was still stroppy after her dinner performance, so I ended up sleeping in her room that night.

This next part is payback for the video and photos. No, Owen and I did not make a sex tape, and no, we did not take any photographic evidence of our sexcapades. I'd always been so jealous when you talked of your sex life with Mark. I know he was the only guy you were ever with, but from the way you described things, things were pretty amazing. Well, I do have others to compare Owen to, and let's just say he has raised the bar so high that I doubt another man will ever reach it.

Let's start with his tongue. I am aroused just writing about it. Not only for the feel of it in my mouth, but for what it does between my legs. Months ago, I mentioned that no one had ever wanted to go down on me, and I just thought it was dirty down there. Owen begs to differ. I never realised how it would feel for him to trace kisses from my mouth, down my neck, over my breasts, down my belly, down my legs and up again before...Sorry. I just had a moment remembering.

The feeling of immense arousal, knowing Owen was licking and sucking and humming and whatever else he was doing between my legs, was phenomenal. It was like he knew exactly what I needed and wanted. I know he's had a lot of experience, but I believe him when he tells me that no one has tasted as beautiful as me.

I had forgotten about Owen looking after me at the wedding. I never realised I complained about Travis though! Let's just say that even limp in an ice-bath, Owen is bigger than Travis was erect. I know size isn't everything, but he knows how to use it. Yep--we're talking multiple orgasms. I'm actually almost glad he went to work today, because I will admit to feeling a little sore down there. When he left this morning, he told me he'd kiss it better tonight.

You know, in the baby books, it says to sleep when baby sleeps. Let's just say we've been to bed every time Elise has gone down this weekend. I can't believe how much we both missed her Friday night, and we checked out early because we wanted to see her. Family hugs and cuddles are so much nicer than individual ones. The three of us hugging each other is so precious, and yes, it hurts me that you and Mark aren't experiencing this.

So yeah, we've been using Owen's bed because it's farther away from Elise's room, and both of us can get a little vocal at times. It's not really big enough for both of us, but we make do.

I do need to assure you, though, that so many times, we have reminded each other that Elise always comes first. I think she's pretty much aware of this too.

It hurts that I have found such happiness amidst the despair at you not being here. We both talked about this last night as we lay in bed together. Owen says Elise has forced him to mature a lot. I think she's forced both of us to change, but then again, therapy has also helped.

Needless to say, I wish you were here to help celebrate our relationship.

Joy.

PS--I almost forgot. Elise has cut her bottom two teeth. I wonder if that would explain the vomits? Renée seems to think it does.

2 December

Hey Twister,

December has hit me like a tonne of bricks. Christmas is everywhere, and that means our birthdays are coming. I never really minded being born two days before Christmas, even if we never really had birthday parties growing up. This year seems different though. On top of that, you should be celebrating your sixth anniversary in a few days.

Owen still makes me laugh. The intimacy is amazing, even little things like a hand on my back as he walks behind me, or the way I'll place my feet in his lap if we're watching telly together, and he'll stroke them.

We put a Christmas tree up yesterday. Elise is enthralled with it. She loves pulling the baubles off the lower branches and carrying them around the house. I suggested we might get one of those playpens, not to put her in, but to put the tree in so she doesn't destroy it.

You and Mark collected some amazing decorations over the years. The one with your wedding photo made Owen and me smile, plus last year's one that you decorated, saying it was the last Christmas as just the two of you. It hurts so much that you aren't here for Christmas this year.

Last night was Owen's work Christmas do. They seem like lovely people, and they love Owen. He's told them he's finishing up at Christmas, though, and they respect that. They thought they were getting a three-month locum, and he extended it to almost six months. He's still trying to talk me into his plans and convince me it is doable. I'm just not sure how feasible it is to travel with a twelve-month-old.

I'm not sure how to tell you this and how you would react, but we've decided to move from your home. It's not a decision that we've made lightly, but in the long run we think it's best for us all, including Elise. Neither Owen or I can imagine sleeping in your room, and your memories are everywhere. It's not like we will erase you when we move, but I think we need a fresh start.

You and I grew up on the outskirts of the city, and when Mark and Owen opened a practice out here, it meant you could still be close to Oma. Owen's always loved large animals, and although he looks after a few horses around here, there's not a lot of farm work.

One of Owen's colleagues told him about an opportunity about an hour and a half away. It's still close enough for Renée and Malcolm to visit, but the vet practice is in town and has a café attached to it. The owner is wanting to retire around Easter next year, and the couple running the café are looking to move on too.

When Owen told me last week, I thought it sounded too good to be true, but we visited today, and it seems perfect. Owen spoke to the vet, who was thrilled with his qualifications and experience. I spoke to the couple running the café, and they admitted that they really aren't looking to retire for a year or two, but would be happy to cut back a little.

Their daughter lives on a property on the outskirts of town and has a home day-care licence with vacancies. It all sounds too good to be true, and perhaps it will be, but it's something we need to consider.

So much is happening, and I wish you were here to guide me, but I also feel like at last, I might be putting on my big girl panties.

We got the photos back last week too. They are everything I dreamt of and more. It was hard not choosing every single one. Owen and I went through them and made a selection. We get to keep the proofs, so will have them all on the computer anyway. The projectile vomit one is priceless! Poor poppet. I might say that the jeans and t-shirt don't look too tight either, which surprised me.

There is a stunning photo of us sitting on the floor. Owen is facing me, and from the angle, it looks like he is closer than he is. Elise has her arms around me, and his hand is on my shoulder. You can only see my face in the photo, and if you look closely, you'll see the tears, but I hardly recognise myself.

Joy.

11 December

Hey Twister,

I saw Marilyn today. She was thrilled at how things are progressing and thinks a tree-change might do the three of us good. She admitted she wondered when Owen and I would work out our feelings for each other and told me she always felt I was holding back when talking about him.

She thinks travel is a great idea. I'm still not convinced. Owen is wearing me down with travel photos from trips you and Mark did. He wants to go for seven weeks. I've suggested four. It's all still up in the air. Marilyn suggested I google blogs of families who have travelled with toddlers.

On Wednesday we're meeting with Ed to discuss adoption of Elise. It was something Ed broached with us when we were finalising your wills, but it never seemed important. I know we are already her legal guardians. I'd just hate to adopt her and then for things with Owen to fizzle out. I mean, there's no sign that that will happen, but still, our relationship seems new.

When I talked about this with Marilyn, she reminded me that we have been living together as a family since June. Whatever happens, Elise will always know that you and Mark are her parents.

I miss you so much.

Joy.

PS--I baked a cake for your anniversary, and we watched your wedding video with Elise. I'm sure you can imagine how bittersweet it was.

23 December

Hey Twister,

Happy Birthday. It seems surreal that we are no longer the same age. You will be forever thirty and I am now thirty-one.

You always celebrated birthdays. There were a couple we were apart for when you and Mark were travelling, but not many. Today seemed so different though. Even if you were traveling you would ring or make sure balloons were delivered to me or something.

Owen made sure I wasn't forgotten today. He outdid himself and arranged for a photo of the two of us to be lasered onto a silver disk for me to wear around my neck. On the other side it says, 'Twisters forever.'

Being a Sunday and deliberately not having made any plans, Owen grabbed Elise when she woke up and brought her into bed with us for snuggles. It was perfect. Owen's legendary pancakes were made for breakfast before we went and sat outside in the garden. Your roses are all in bloom and smell heavenly.

We talked about your ashes and what to do with them. This may have been your home, and it really is gorgeous, but it's not somewhere Elise can visit when she's older once it's sold. The cemetery where Oma, Opa, and Mum are has a wall you can put plaques on, but that doesn't sound right to Owen or me. I know Dad is at another cemetery, and with our complicated relationship with him, it's...I don't know. It's just hard.

After Elise's morning nap, Owen convinced me to try lunch out. We knew the shops would be crazy, so we decided on a pub lunch. Elise behaved herself so well. She made an absolute mess of the spaghetti bolognaise but did so with a smile.

We never had parties growing up because our birthdays were so close to Christmas. Mum or Oma would always bake a cake. Remember though, for our twenty-first, we threw that New Year's Eve party at Oma's? Owen remembers it but didn't remember seeing me there. That's probably because I was only there for a short while before Travis called saying he couldn't come, but he wanted to see the New Year in with me.

You never judged me for this stupid relationship. Sometimes I wish you'd pulled me aside and told me how toxic it was, but you always believed in letting others make their own mistakes. I remember telling you at the party that I was leaving early to meet up with Travis. You just told me to be careful.

What a bitch you must have thought I was though, leaving our party early. You never complained, and I still remember the huge hug you gave me. I mean, we had said no gifts, and it was billed as a New Year's party rather than a twenty-first, but still.

I wish I'd spent more time with you around this time and less time with Travis. I also wish I got to know Mark more. I did once I moved back and started caring for Oma, but I missed so much because I was being selfish and self-centred. I'll never skip out on Elise; you don't need to worry about that.

Owen tried to bake a cake for my birthday. Let's just say he did as well as I would do as a vet! In the end, he sang me "Happy Birthday" and produced some watermelon with birthday candles in it. Elise thought it was so much fun, but then again, she adores watermelon.

Last week she climbed up the chair onto the kitchen bench, and I walked in to find she had eaten four peaches from the bowl and a lot of cherries. At first, I panicked, thinking she could have choked, but no. I still found some cherry pips in her nappy yesterday too.

It's been a quiet day, which I am not complaining about, because it has been almost perfect. Of course, having you here would have made it better.

Joy.

26 December

Hey Twister,

I was too tired last night to fill you in on Christmas. We've always done Christmas Eve in the European tradition, but Owen's family has always done Christmas Day. Owen and I talked about it and decided to do our own family celebration on Christmas Eve and then spend the day with his family.

Christmas Eve was lovely. I didn't cook anything super special, but it was appreciated. Owen decorated the dining area with candles and Elise loved it. We didn't go overboard with gifts but bought her a wooden trolley filled with blocks and a new ball. Fortunately, I wrapped them in brown paper as the paper was more exciting to her and she tried to eat it.

I finally agreed with Owen last week that travelling as a family might be a nice adventure. I explained that my anxiety increased at the thought of it though. I've read so much about families who have travelled--everything from campervans to rail to car hire to hiking. Yep, no way we're hiking! My suggestion of seeing parts of Japan as an easy way for me to ease into things was considered by Owen and ignored.

On Christmas Eve he gave me tickets for the three of us to visit Europe. We leave the day after Elise's first birthday, and the tickets are open ended, but we have agreed to at least four weeks. Owen also spoilt me with a new backpack to travel with, as this seems like one of the easiest ways to ensure we have more hands available for Elise. I am leaving the itinerary to him, and he is so excited. I know it will be cold, but it will also mean fewer people.

Owen loved the gift I got him. It's a sort of lockable case that you can put your phone and watch in overnight to charge, and little fingers can't get it. I don't think I mentioned, but he lost his phone a few weeks ago. We think Elise has put it somewhere. The finding option shows it's in the house somewhere, but we still can't find it. I may have also surprised him once Elise was asleep, but again, no tape!

Lunch with his family was lovely. They set a chair for absent friends, remembering Renée and Malcolm's parents who are no longer with us and, of course, you and Mark. Megan brought her new girlfriend. The two seem so enamoured with each other, which is nice.

One of the reasons for travel in February is Nat has agreed to housesit the animals for us. She has a part-time job at a music store and figures she can work there and save some more before she jets off. She will be responsible for the Open Homes as the house will be on the market, but Ed is dealing with it all as it will come under the trust. We're going to start looking for somewhere to live in January, but if we don't find anything, we'll probably just rent for a bit.

Renée and Malcolm are amazing cooks and lunch was delicious. Elise loves being passed amongst her pseudo-Aunts and Uncle, as did Freddie. She was a lot better with Freddie too. She's standing by herself and will be walking before too long. I don't think I'm ready for that.

Remember last Christmas? We were at Oma's. We did the Christmas Eve dinner as usual, and Oma insisted that we go to midnight mass. I hope you don't mind that we didn't take Elise to church. I kind of figure you knew what you were getting yourself into with us as godparents and guardians, and neither of us are religious.

We'll never discourage Elise from exploring faith if that's something she decides to do, but we won't be pushing it either. I don't think you or Mark would have done things differently, but I do sometimes second guess myself.

Muriel's phone has been disconnected. Owen says he's going to make some enquiries after Christmas. It's so sad she doesn't want to be part of her granddaughter's life.

It's so strange to think of everything that's changed in the last twelve months. First Oma, then you two. I don't think I ever imagined myself being at all maternal, and yet here I am raising Elise and in a relationship with an amazing man. You were always one to count blessings, and perhaps a little has rubbed off on me.

It still sucks that you aren't here.

Joy.

1 January

Hey Twister,

It's a New Year and will be the first whole year that you aren't in. I'm exhausted. Elise is cutting more teeth and has been so grumpy. Renée and Malcolm invited us over last night, but we both said no and were in bed by eight. Of course, we were also up at midnight with Elise, so we wished our family a happy new year.

You were always the resolution maker, and you always kept them. I think it was your goal-driven personality. I suppose I've made a resolution to be the best parental influence on Elise that I can be and to keep exploring things with Owen.

What we have is so special. We're still using condoms but have talked about what the doctor said all those years ago that the chance of me becoming pregnant is less than twenty percent. I remember at the time being so thrilled at this and not seeing it as a negative at all, but now I'd love to see little Owen's running around. I'm sure there will be mannerisms of his that Elise will pick up, but there's something about passing on your DNA.

So yes, I'm a little clucky, although with Elise teething and not really sleeping, I'm not sure why! Nat's coming over to babysit on Friday night, and I think I'll broach the subject with Owen then. I love him so much and am so grateful you and Mark put us together like this, even if the situation still sucks.

Joy.

12 January

Hey Twister,

We're in Perth. Elise survived her first plane ride. We hadn't planned on this, but we discovered Muriel is not well and has been placed in a nursing home. It seems she didn't cope well with Mark's death and stopped eating.

When Owen found out through a private investigator, we came straight over. She is Elise's Grandmama, after all. She has an ongoing delirium and didn't recognise any of us, but happily held Elise and actually smiled when we visited today. It's so sad to think she's been placed under the public trustee as she has no family. They didn't even know about Elise. I brought a framed photo from our session with Jill of just Elise. She's smiling and happy and holding the balloon just before she chundered.

Owen's shown me some of the old haunts from growing up with Mark. It was nice getting a greater understanding of young Mark. I never realised he wasn't even born in Perth, but his mother dragged him there from Adelaide.

We're spending a couple of nights here but will be mainly visiting Muriel. To think she called me to tell me she was leaving everything to charity when she has nothing to leave. It's so sad. That Mark grew up in this environment and still turned out to be an amazing father is not lost on me and gives me hope in a way that I can be a positive influence on Elise.

Miss you.

Joy.

14 January

Hey Twister,

Had to let you know Elise is walking! She took her first steps in Grandmama's nursing home, and we got on video Muriel clapping and smiling at her, even though she has no idea who we are.