Hey Twister—Letters To My Dead Twin

This trip has given me confidence we can do Europe with Elise. We've even agreed on a return date giving us around six weeks away. Heaven help us!

I should have been in Europe last April, and you should be travelling as a family. I suppose we just make do with what we have, even if not having you here sucks so much.

Joy.

4 February

Hey Twister,

It's Elise's first birthday. We had a party yesterday to celebrate with Indira, Sashi, and Sanjeev, and of course, the Wainwrights. Sanjeev's birthday is next week, and we'll be away, so it was nice to catch up with them.

I baked a simple boterkoek for Elise and she almost blew out the candles. She doesn't need any toys or anything, so it was hard to know what to get her. One of Owen's former patients is an artist. Well, his horses were the patients. I suggested we get a portrait painted of you and Mark that can always hang about Elise's bed. It turned out perfectly. He has captured the essence of you both so well.

We visited the cemetery last week on the anniversary of Oma's death. As always, I told Elise stories of Oma and things that happened when we lived with her and before. You should be here for Elise's birthday. I probably still would have baked the cake, but...I'm nowhere near as angry as I was ten or so months ago, but at the same time, there's a longing to see you and share things with you.

It's been a quiet day today. Nat's moved into your old room and is so excited to be playing house by herself. We've not had a lot to do to get the house ready for sale, but I'm sure Nat can keep up with the vacuuming, plus Maria will still be calling in.

I'm not taking this journal with me when we travel because I'm scared I'll lose it. Instead, I'll let you know all about it when we return. I was excited at the christening to talk about traveling, but this is different. We're flying into London and staying around there for a few nights before heading to Paris.

Owen wants me to be able to experience the real French patisseries. The plan is to then head by train towards Rotterdam, where we think we have found some distant cousins of Oma's. From there, we want to head towards Vienna, probably stopping along the way. Owen assures me if it gets too much, we call it quits early and head home.

I can't get over how amazing Owen is, both as a parent and as a partner. I often think back to the early days with Elise and how I had no idea what I was doing and tried to tell myself I didn't want to do it. Owen says he felt the same way.

Anyway, we've got our passports--travelling under three different names is going to get confusing, I'm sure--and things are all packed. Nat is a natural with the dogs and cats, and Renée has said she'll pop in to check up on her. Nat didn't do Schoolies, and I don't think she's got a boyfriend, but she does talk about a Bevan who works with her, so we'll see if anything comes of this when we return.

Love you,

Joy.

25 March

Hey Twister,

So, I've definitely caught the travel bug, amongst some others. Elise was a champ ninety percent of the time. The long flights were tough on all of us, but we survived. She adored the train travel, especially going through tunnels, and would clap when we came out the other side. It really amused the other people on the train.

We spent Valentine's in Paris. I never realised how romantic Owen can be. On top of the Eiffel Tower, as the sun was setting and I was complaining that we really needed to get Elise back to our hotel so she could sleep, Owen dropped down on one knee and presented me with a ring. I hadn't expected it, but in my heart, I knew it was right.

We met up with Sem and Anke in Rotterdam. Sem's father was Oma's cousin and often talked of Oma as the one who escaped to Australia. We met their two sons and their families, and they have promised to come and visit us in Australia. Anke reminded me of Oma, despite not being related to her. She had the same mannerisms and short, exact way of doing things.

From there we visited Amsterdam for a few nights, and then travelled down towards Salzburg, stopping in villages, towns, and cities along the way. Anything colourful excited Elise, and she didn't mind the cold. Her vocabulary is really improving, but it is hard to hear her now call me Mama instead of Auntie or Bot-bot. Owen is still Wo-wo.

Elise seemed to come down with a tummy bug somewhere in Germany, but she was an absolute trooper. I was worried that she might need medical attention, but it was more a twenty-four-hour thing. When I started vomiting a few days later, I expected it would clear like hers has.

It hasn't yet. Let's just say when Owen said he planned on making me fat from eating too much on this trip, my body misunderstood the eating part. After a few days I was beginning to wonder. Finding pregnancy tests in a foreign country and then working out how to use them when the instructions were all in German was difficult. At first, I bought an ovulation test which was negative, of course.

Back in London, I confirmed things with a doctor who told me to get a check-up at home. Today we went for an ultrasound. Owen was happy, no ecstatic, when we got a positive test back. I'd had some spotting when we arrived in Paris and didn't think too much about it as my cycles have been so erratic. I saw the doc as soon as we got home, and she said my hormone levels were a little high for my dates.

Now we only stopped using condoms when we left, so I figured at the most I could be about seven weeks. The scan showed us why. I'm having twins. Both are measuring at six weeks which ties in with dates. Owen's convinced they were conceived in the Netherlands. I'm in shock.

Despite his romantic proposal, we have both agreed we don't want a fancy wedding. I'm going to suggest Easter to Owen for two reasons. First, it's later this year, so won't interfere with the anniversary of your death, and second, it's Easter, and in some ways, another anniversary of your death. I'm not sure if that makes sense to others, but it does to me. I want you there as my bridesmaid, but that's not going to happen. Owen says he wants Mark as his best man but again...

With all of this, Elise is going to be a something to twins. Cousin? Sister? I suppose whatever it is, she will be family, and I want to let you know that nothing will change that. I said to Owen after the scan that they might be twisters. He told me they might be twothers or something. Whatever they are, they will have Elise there in their family.

Renée and Malcolm know about the pregnancy, but not about the twins. Fuck. I'm going to have three children under two. What have we done?

Joy.

26 March

Hey Flick,

Yep, Joy's freaking out a little, but Elise needs to know, and this book is still for her, that she will still be loved and treated no differently to the twins. Can you believe it? I put two babies in my beloved! I'm the man!

Wo-wo.

2 April

Hey Twister,

Twelve months yesterday for Mark, twelve months today for you. It's been hard and not helped by my hormones being all over the place, making me cry at the drop of a hat.

Your home sold when we were away, and we need to be out next week. We found a place on the outskirts of town where the new practice is in January and fell in love. There's a few acres there and room for a pony for Elise. It's a beautiful old farmhouse that needs a bit of work, but it's perfect.

Owen starts taking over the practice in May. Nicki and Pete from the café are happy to stay on and were thrilled when we told them our family is expanding unexpectedly.

With the move happening, Owen and I had talked a lot about what to do with your ashes. I never realised there was a road up to the top of the mountain you two liked to climb. It meant we were able to drive up there today.

With Elise strapped to my back in a new carrier Owen found, we only needed to walk a dozen or so steps to the lookout where Mark proposed. It wasn't that busy being a workday for most people. Owen had spoken to the rangers, and they said that that it was a common spot to scatter ashes, and they were doing a revegetation project, and if we wanted, we could plant trees in your names, and there would be a plaque at the Ranger's Station which has a café attached. It seems so perfect.

When I was asked to write a eulogy for the funeral, I froze and couldn't get anything to make much sense. Owen did an amazing job of putting some thoughts and memories together, but it has always bothered me that I couldn't honour you properly.

We sat on a bench looking out over the urban creep that used to be grazing land, and around to where the river meanders through following a path that does not seem logical to us, but no doubt made sense to the water when it was trying to find a way to the ocean. It reminded me of how the last several months have twisted and turned.

This is what I want people to know, especially Elise.

Felicity Margaret Gruber was born on 23^rd of December thirty-one and a bit years ago, daughter to Lukas and Susan Gruber (née Whitehead), and older sister by only minutes to Joy Arabella Gruber. To most people, she was known as Flick, except Joy and Flick knew each other as Twister.

She was an amazing daughter, granddaughter, and sister and loved unconditionally. Susan died from cancer when Flick was fourteen. Lukas had not been part of the family for some years and Elise and Max, Lukas's parents, and the girls' Oma and Opa took Flick and Joy in without hesitation, showering them with love and affection.

At the right of passage known as Schoolies, when Flick and Joy had finished high school, Flick met Mark Giddings. It was meant to be a, er, holiday liaison, but Mark had already planned to head to Melbourne to study to become a vet, and the two were soon inseparable.

Flick studied Law at university, graduating in the top ten percent of her classmates. No one who knew her would have doubted this as she always argued things in her favour.

Mark and Flick loved the outdoors. Their homes, when they were poor students, housed illegal pets, usually strays, and they liked nothing more than hiking and being one in nature.

They were married in December sixish years ago, surrounded by family and friends, but the truth was they only had eyes for each other all day. Their love was so deep and so unwavering. They'd argue. Sometimes they'd argue a lot. Mark would complain Flick needed to leave her arguing at work, but they worked through their differences and found ways to compromise.

When Flick discovered they were expecting Elise, she was overjoyed. Being a mother had been her dream since she was a young girl. Mark again doted on Flick throughout the pregnancy. Although she only got eight weeks as a mother in the physical sense, her spirit will live on in Elise, and Elise will always know what amazing people her parents were.

So, my gorgeous Twister, the one I miss so much. This is it. No doubt there will be more memories I will jot down for Elise, and she will always know how amazing her mummy was.

I love you and I miss you,

Joy xx

PS--I know you were always happy to ditch the Gruber (we were always teased about that at school) when you married Mark, but Owen and I have decided that our family will be the Giddings-Wainwrights. Elise should not lose her identity. She will always be the one who taught me about true love. Thank you for entrusting her to me. I won't let you down.

~*~*~*~*~

Author's note: If you made it this far, congrats! It took several goes to get this story going. In the end as soon as I started diarising it, it flowed. I have purposefully left in some grammatical inconsistencies because of the style of writing--yes, there are misplaced pronouns!

For me, one of the challenges was being able to write a story that didn't include a lot of dialogue and find ways to show rather than tell. I hemmed and hawed over Owen's entries. I think it can be hard to get multiple voices to flow and I know some of my beta readers agree, so in the end I hope italicising it helped.

As always, thanks to those who helped me write another adventure--you know who you are and you are all amazing.