Hiding In The Closet

I moaned and exploded deep inside of her, my body shaking as I fought to keep a picture of Gerald's face in my mind.

My squirts ignited a sudden turn on within her, causing her to have an orgasm as well.

We now exploded together, and I wished with all my heart that she had of been Gerald, and that he was somehow just as I was, someone desperate to make it with his own kind.

XXX

The Sunday morning service was uplifting as usual. I loved hearing the choir sing, and the organist play expertly with ransacking fingers to bring about the droning of the draconian pipes.

The praise team leader would work the congregation into a mild frenzy, and then the word of God would be expounded by the Irish pepper pot pastor. On this occasion, he preached against the usual human vices, sex before marriage, gambling, even if it were only lottery tickets, and drinking alcohol. Most of the congregation ignored him on this latter admonition, noting wryly that even Jesus drank wine, and that on one occasion he had actually even made it.

I breathed a sigh of relief that the preacher had mercifully avoided lambasting homosexuals and lesbians, and had not bothered citing the fury of Sodom and Gomorrah. It was a refreshing departure from his usual homophobic rhetoric. I wondered just how much he would pound the pulpit with his hate if he only knew that the small town hero quarter back now sitting in the front of his pews, actually fancied himself to be a woman.

The pastor always chose someone from the congregations to bless the offering. I suppose he felt that having someone pronounce a few well-chosen words of blessing over the givers would undoubtedly make them want to give more. Promising givers a dose of prosperity for their giving was one way to get them to dig a little deeper. Not that it seemed as though our pastor needed it. He owned a house up on the hill, a large swath of valuable land over in Shefield County, and drove a new Cadillac to and from church.

Had he of been more sympathetic toward his parishioners and their "evil vices," as he called them, then I probably would have confided in him. But as things now stood, he came across as a loud mouth tattle tale, who never failed to scatter his member's business abroad by condemning them by name from the pulpit. Obviously I would never fancy myself as someone who could trust him with my secret, not unless I wanted everybody in the state to know the real deal behind the number eleventh ranked high school quarterback in the entire nation.

Sports Illustrated had actually done their own comparisons once, and actually had me pegged at number one. You can't imagine how that made me feel, but then, such admiration for me would so very quickly turn into such admonition against me if the 'experts' and fans alike uncovered the real me. I was determined to keep the real me under wraps until after high school and college, then I would announce to the world what I was, and undergo my operations. All would seem to be going well for such a well-timed scenario, except for the fact that someone had seemingly uncovered the fact that I was simply dying to one day start wearing skirts instead of pants.

XXX

It had now been a mere week since my hill top sexcapades with the horny Delores up on the ridge.

I was grateful that she had managed to spread it all over town how she and I had gotten it on and were now going steady. Now, if that hidden bastard that knew my secret should dare try and reveal it, who would possibly believe it? I felt both relieved and relaxed. Still, I was smart enough to know that I wasn't quite out of the woods yet. I would still have to grin and bear dating her some more. The longer we stayed an item, was the more the townsfolk would never believe in a million years that their star high school Christian quarterback was actually transgendered.

Still, the flapping gums and revealing whispers of Delores had reached so many townsfolk that even my loud mouthed pastor had heard. That scared me. Still, he seemed immensely proud of the fact that one of his parishioners was actually known across the nation as a high school sport's hero. The fact that I had always been a straight 'A' student didn't seem to hurt either.

As a result of the rumors about my sexual indiscretions with Delores up on the ridge, my pastor summoned me to his office one evening and read me the riot act, but did so in such a calm, humble way, that I almost thought he was going to ask for my autograph.

Then he cautioned me to at least 'try' and abstain from the pleasures of the flesh until after marriage. He also seemed a little taken aback that I had chosen Delores as my gal in the first place. Not that she wasn't a hot looking babe. She was. But there were certainly hotter looking girls in town and certainly quite a few who were either still virgins, or who had a lot less mileage on them than Delores did.

XXX

When I got home from the pastor's office, the letter was waiting for me. Other than a stamp, and my name and address on it, it had no markings otherwise. It was on the top of the heap of mail in my dad's hand.

"This came for you while you were out," my dad said, holding the stack of mail out to me. Receiving such daily wads of mail on my behalf was something my parents had gotten used to. In the last few months, I already had garnered over two hundred letters from interested colleges across the nation, and at least thirty actual full scholarship offers.

I had already made up my mind on UCLA, and their offer of a science BA and three years of pre-paid med school. Becoming a doctor was something very important to me, and the fact my favorite college was willing to make all my dreams come true, was cause enough for celebration.

"There is talk," my dad whispered to me ominously, "that you have been seeing that girl Delores. I always thought you were one of the smarter boys in the County, putting your college plans ahead of girls. Christian men like yourself are not supposed to be bed hopping. But if you are sowing your wild oats so to speak, at least I hope you're using a damn condom. Your mother and I already raised our kids. No way do we want to be saddled with any ankle biters of yours while you're off to college. You realize, don't you, that our Christian faith is resolutely against abortion. So any mistakes you make are bound to become permanent ones."

His words jolted me back to reality and I smiled nervously. "Don't worry dad. It only happened once with her. I'm being careful."

I scurried away without chatting further, toting the large handful of mail.

As much as I loved my dad, I certainly didn't want to get into any discussions with him that would turn into arguments. And I certainly didn't ever want either he or my mom to find out about the woman living inside of me. I was smart enough to know that coming out of the closet would destroy both my parents, and alienate them away from me. No way would they ever want anything to do with me ever again, or even acknowledge me as their son if the truth were to come out. I was, therefore, glad for Delores, because she at least acted as a smokescreen. Now I understood why some transgendered guys went against their own hearts and minds and married women. Throwing unforgiving parents and townspeople off the scent was sometimes your only option when people began getting suspicious.

I scampered up the steps then took the long walk to the second last room at the end of the hall. That was my room.

I hopped onto the bed, kicking the door closed behind me with my foot, then I tossed the mail next to me.

There were about ten college brochures, and an info letter outlining UCLA's meal program, as well as other scholarship applications from other colleges I hadn't even heard of. And then, there was the plain unmarked envelope on top. My heart thumped at the sight of it. I had seen it earlier, but pretended it wasn't important. Only I knew better. My sixth sense alarm bells were ringing wildly. The mystery rat that had sniffed me out, was undoubtedly back at it, only this time the method of his or her madness was not an unsolicited email, but rather a suspicious unmarked letter, sent to bring me to my damn knees.

I ripped open the letter and sure enough, someone had cut some words out of a magazine and pasted them together to a blank page. The message was a short and simple one.

It read, "You don't fool me. I KNOW what you are!"

My heart sank like a rock. Really? Really??? Fuck! Fuck! And double fuck! Who the hell was on to me and how did they manage to sniff me out?

A ringing phone suddenly snapped me back to myself.

I glanced at the number. Delores.

I pressed talk immediately. As loathe as I was to chat with the world's greatest gossip machine, she was saving my transgendered bacon at the present time.

"Hi babe."

"Don't hi babe me, you swine."

I chuckled. "What is it now, Delores?"

"What is it? As if you didn't know. You men are all alike. You get what you want and then toss us women aside like trash. Apart from holding my hand in the café and after class when we meet, you haven't gone out with me again. And you certainly haven't tried to make love to me again."

I struggled to find an acceptable response.

"I was a little worried," I said, "about that night up on the ridge, you know, with me having forgotten to bring a condom and all."

There was a pause. "Oh, so at first you made me feel good by not having one with you, because you didn't think I'd be easy, but now, you're saying you should have had one because you know I'm easy, is that what you're saying? That I'm an easy slut, and you can't believe you weren't prepared?"

I sighed. So called normal relationships between men and women could be so crazy at times. I sought to reassure her.

"The fact I didn't have a condom handy should show you I didn't think you'd be easy. When I said I should have been prepared, that was just because you are such a hot, sexy girl. I ought to have known I'd be so turned on and that I'd so very much want to go all the way with an irresistible chick like you."

Another pause, only this time I could sense the wheels in her head turning. I had paid her the ultimate compliment, and that was that I thought she was super-hot.

"You really think I'm a great girl?" she asked solemnly, getting all choked up.

"You know it. You're the kind of girl I've always wanted to take home to mother."

I began to kick myself over those words. It was doubtful she would believe them, and yet she was so desperate for some respect and acceptance into the community, that she readily gobbled up my words like badly needed vitamins.

"Thanks," she muttered, clearly blown away. "Can I see you tonight? I'm really desperate to make love to you again. I've never felt this way about a boy before. I think it is just so damn cool that we are going steady!"

I had created a Frankenstein by luring her into my relationship web, and it now suddenly dawned on me that what I was doing was not only unethical, but cruel. There was no way I was ever going to have any feelings for her, much less love her as I'd asserted. Getting her to fall for me and perhaps even fall in love with me, could only serve to shatter her heart later on. There was no way I would ever be 'taking her home to my mother' as I'd just now suggested. I was setting her up for a fall, and from where I was standing, it was going to be a long ways down for her. Still, in this dog eat dog world, sometimes you had to do what it took to survive.

I sighed and stared at the letter. Sooner or later this rat was going to be taking their suspicions public. I still had six months to go in my senior high school year. A lot could happen in six months. I needed all the cover I could get before I packed my bags and headed out to college in California.

"I'd love to see you tonight, babe," I said. "And I'll bring a condom this time."

"You can bring it or don't bring it," she whispered back at me. "Don't do it on my account. I know some guys love kids and getting married young."

I could almost hear her heart beating furiously in her chest. Obviously I was the man of her dreams.

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes."

"I won't be wearing any panties," she informed me, just before hanging up.

XXX

The locker room seemed tenser than usual, with the guys looking at me as though I had leprosy.

My heart sank like a rock, obviously the rat who had sent the email and piece of threatening mail, had now graduating to telling everyone else what I had assumed no one else had known, but what I had known my entire life, and that was that I was really a woman in a man's body.

I began to tremble yet tried to look brave. If I acted like I knew something was wrong, then maybe they might believe whatever it was they had been told. I didn't have to wait long to know what was going on.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't our quarterback hero George, or should we call you Georgina?"

"What are you talking about?" I blurted out, trying to play dumb.

Steven Crosby suddenly stepped out of the shadows. He was our backup quarterback. He too was in his senior year. He was always bitter, though, because he never got to play. With me being so good, he only got to warm the benches, and hence, even though he had the potential to be handed a scholarship by some top college, because he had lingered for years in my shadow, he hadn't received any offers. Obviously he had now found some dirt on me that was going to give him some sweet revenge. If not for me, he would have been set for life, but because of me, he was destined to be stuck in this dead end town forever.

He took the pliers and snipped the lock off my locker, then he dug under my personal stuff to the leather briefcase at the bottom. He yanked it out and snipped off that combination clasp lock as well. Then he dumped the men's bodybuilding mags onto the floor.

"Here's the mags he reads. Mags with pics of guys in it, flexing their muscles."

David Wilkenson, a tight end, began poking a finger into my chest.

"In case you haven't heard, a couple of weeks ago, Steven here caught you jerking off in the showers to one of these mags when you thought you were alone. He has the footage on his cell phone. Every member of the team has a copy of it in their email. Watching you jerk off while staring at some guy on a mag cover. Pretty sick."

XXX

Having transferred from Texas to upstate New York was my only option at finishing high school. There was no way I was going to be able to endure the taunts, teasing and ridicule of an entire town. My parents were in shock once they'd watched the footage Steven had also sent them.

My parents had then asked my aunt in New York to take me in until I finished high school. As I had predicted would happen, my parents disowned me, my coach kicked me off the team, and my fllow team mates to a man said they weren't gonna have anything to do with me. Even poor Delores, who had been ecstatic at finding out she had indeed become pregnant from our first encounter, now wanted nothing at all to do with me, and was slated to have an abortion.

My pastor had also banned me from attending the church, apparently claiming that sex before marriage with some girl was a lessor sin compared to whacking off to some man on a mag cover. Just my luck that I happened to be a transgendered Christian in what was arguably the most homophobic community in all of America.

UCLA, without my coaches or school's recommendations, had withdrawn their offer of a full scholarship, a theme I found prevalent among all the other colleges as well. If I wasn't playing football any more in my senior year because I was considered too big a distraction for the team, then the colleges all decided they couldn't use me either.

I've now dropped out of the New York high school and started a job at a grocery store. It doesn't pay much, but because my kind hearted aunt doesn't charge me rent, I can spend all my pay on transforming me into a she.

I've now started intense hormone treatments and am working on enlarging my breasts as well as shrinking my waist.

Because I have a face that is so 'cute' to begin with, the treatments and fabulous makeup jobs really make me look quite the babe.

My aunt is very sympathetic and has agreed to loan me any money I might need that my pay can't cover. I'm slated to have some breast implants and ass injections that are certain to start turning men's heads, although I haven't yet decided whether I'll do the final operation in time or merely work on making myself the world's sexiest shemale.

The only thing I can tell you, is that being forced into coming out of the closet, while it was indeed a nightmare, was also a blessing in disguise. I am now the real me, and have a steady boyfriend who is enthralled at my progressing changes.

I have also found a church that accepts me for what I am becoming.

I now worship God for who he really is, and that is the one who made me who I am and the one who will always love me just the way I am.

Who am I? I'm a man who finally has no more secrets. And I'm a woman who is finally no longer a man.

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