High School Sweetheart Problems

I was acutely aware of all the clothes I was missing. My skin crawled under the uncomfortable sheets. I felt exposed and gross. I felt unsightly in my own skin. I wouldn't even have wanted to look at me.

My chest was rising and falling quick tugging the blankets up with every inhale. I felt noisier than I probably was since I could only hear my breath in the dark room.

I was just a mess of anxiety and awkwardness. It was amazing that amid my internal melt down the girl beside me was all quiet. She was still as a lake of placid water save for her own chest rising and falling. She was turned towards me curled up. Moments ago she was holding onto me, but I couldn't stand to have her that close after my drunken buzz wore off.

Not that I was disgusted with her, the total opposite actually, she was as beautiful as ever. Her pitch black hair fell messily across her face allowing only her cute nose and parted lips to peek through. Her arms pulled up against her chest hiding most of her perky breasts. She was perfect.

My problem was that she wasn't mine. She hadn't been for a few years now. Sara Norah was her name, and she was my high school sweet heart.

That was about three years ago now. Sara wasn't mine anymore, and would never be, but I was still hers. When ever she called I was there. In her bed at her beck and call.

I guess most guys would probably be happy right? No strings attacked sex with the sexiest girl you know. Its like I shouldn't be complaining right? There is just one little caveat to the arrangement. She is dating my best friend.

I guess I couldn't call him that anymore. Not after having sex countless times with his girlfriend after he trusted us to be done with each other. They had been dating since our senior year of high school, and there I was sophomore year of college still in bed with her.

In the real world she didn't care about me. In the real world I didn't exist to her. In the real world I was a background character to her story. In my world, however, she was still my everything. Still all I thought about, and still my only love.

It made me sick to know I only mattered to her when she was on top of me. She only ever said my name when she was screaming it in bed. She would ignore me tomorrow until she wanted me again, and present it under the guise of keeping it from Leon, her boyfriend.

I knew I was being used, but I still jumped when she asked. Just for a chance to feel like someone wanted me again. For a chance to feel loved even if it was just for the night.

Just like every night before those thoughts of self loathing finally spurred me into leaving her bed. At around the same time of three in the morning. Through a haze I found all my clothes again because I dropped them in pretty much the same place every time. It was routine at this point. A horribly jaded, and self destructive routine.

Eventually I found my way to my car, and drove to my apartment. A little buzzed like usual, but with enough presence of mind to get myself home alright in the empty streets.

I stumbled into my apartment half dead with a head full of wet cotton. I dropped my backpack somewhere near the door with a loud thud. It slid and knocked over a small table next to my TV that usually held my keys. The noise of the wood clattering to the floor really cut the quiet night like a knife.

"Jesus fuck!"

Someone screamed in the dark. I nearly swallowed my tongue as I leapt backward scrambling for the light switch. When I finally hit it I saw the source. A brunette girl sitting on my couch clutching a blanket to her chest with one hand, and the remote for my TV cocked back ready to throw in the other.

We both froze for a moment untangling the situation in our heads before it all clicked. I slumped back against the wall and pulled the door closed behind me.

"Liam, you scared the hell out of me!"

She was still breathing heavy leaning back against the couch. She dropped the remote now. A second too late on the light, and I might have been sleeping on the floor with a concussion.

"Fuck Elizabeth, its my apartment, you scared the hell out of me!"

She crossed her arms as the surprise slowly twisted into anger. Her soft brown eyes hardened into a fierce glare. I couldn't figure out why she was angry about me coming into my own apartment.

"What? What are you even doing here?"

"Liam... we were suppose to study, and get dinner tonight? Don't you remember?"

No I didn't remember, but something told me that might have something to do with the vodka from earlier. I felt a creeping dread reach into my scalp and flood down my spine.

"Wait... I don't..."

Elizabeth got up, and walked her way over to me holding out her phone. It was the texts between the two of us.

"Don't worry Liz. I owe you for helping me on that last exam. Ill help you study for your English."

"I don't know Liam, if you wanna pay that debt off I need a little more. You had me up all night cramming for that test with you."

"Alright that is fair... How about dinner? My treat? Doesn't even have to be fast food. Ill take you some place nice."

"Deal."

"Let yourself into my apartment. Ill be by in a little while."

I didn't need to check my phone. I remembered it all at that point, and I also remembered that right after I sent that last text Sara called me. I even remembered stupidly thinking I could see Sara for an hour and then get to Elizabeth. So much for time management.

"Liz I... Why did you stay here so long?"

"I was tired! I've been cramming for test after test this semester. I was also already here so I just studied my English by myself."

Checking my own phone she had texted quite a few times after that until she realized I wasn't coming and stopped. My heart broke. It shattered into thousands of pieces, and I felt that crawling feeling under my skin again. I just wanted to be invisible.

"Elizabeth I'm so sorry... I got caught up with some old friends and I..."

I was lying, and doing it poorly. I was still too buzzed to be trying to smooth talk her. She sniffed the air a few times and stepped back away from me.

"You smell like a bar Liam! Are you drunk right now? Did you drive drunk?!"

I felt sick to my stomach. Half because of all the vodka I drank on an empty stomach, and half because of how I had treated Elizabeth. She didn't deserve it. She had been my friend ever since I started college.

Freshman year we were in the same English class, and she was having troubles passing. Since my degree was for English I had no problem, and didn't mind helping her. We only got closer since then. She was the only person who knew about my issues with my body, and Sara.

Her brown locks were tossed in all different angels from sleeping awkwardly on my couch, and her clothes were just the right kind of disheveled to be cute. A loose white top hanging loosely on one shoulder, and a zip up black jacket tied around her waist.

If only she wasn't absolutely fuming at me in the moment.

"I really cant believe you right now Liam. Where the hell have you been, and don't lie this time!"

My head had developed a pounding pain ever since she started yelling at me. Fair enough as I had had enough vodka to drop a small elephant earlier. I tried to push past her waving it off.

"Just with some old high school friends. You're not my mom, you don't have to worry about me."

She grabbed my hand stopping me in my tracks. She didn't say anything for a moment. Just kept me from walking away. I didn't want to turn around to her. I didn't want her to have to look at my face. My messy hair that just had Sara's hands in it. My disgusting body that just had Sara's body all over it. I hated myself and my constant need for validation from someone who didn't even want me anymore.

I hated it even more that it worried Elizabeth. She had been such a good friend. She didn't need to be such a good friend to someone as ugly as me inside and out.

"Was it her again?"

She didn't sound angry. Just disappointed. I could hear it in her voice. It hurt me. She may as well have just stabbed me in the chest. I just nodded. Messy blonde hair fell across my face. I didn't bother moving it.

"You told me you were done with that..."

I didn't answer her. She let go of my hand, and I wanted to bolt to the back, throw myself in the shower, and cry. I couldn't just leave her like that though.

"Can you at least explain to me why? I cant help if I don't know why."

"You don't need to help me Liz."

"But I want to Liam!"

My breath caught in my throat at her words. She almost yelled them. Elizabeth was desperate on the verge of tears."

"I'm not blind, I can see this tearing you apart. You aren't doing this for fun Liam. Explain to me why you keep putting yourself through this."

My legs moved on autopilot to the couch. I needed to sit down before they gave out under me. It wasn't the first time we had a fight over this. Part of me thought that even if I came totally clean with her it still wouldn't be the last. Still, at least for Elizabeth's sake, I had to try.

She sat down next to me pulling her jacket back on. I still couldn't look at her. It made talking about it easier.

"I've never felt very attractive Liz..."

I looked down at my hands fiddling with them so I wouldn't accidentally look over at her.

"I don't know, maybe its something to do with how I was brought up or whatever, but I never liked myself or my looks. Sara was the first person to say she did, or at least pretend to. For a little while I had someone that made me feel comfortable in my own skin."

I started getting hot. Like my whole body burned with embarrassment. I wanted so bad to not be in the situation, but it was already happening so I had to push thought.

"When Sara dropped me it was because she didn't think I was going anywhere. I was too stuck up in my own head about my insecurities and all that. When she went to my friend Leon and acted like everything was just OK I didn't know what to do. I had to just sit and smile. Leon was my only friend so my options of new people to hang out with were limited."

I shuddered as a sudden sob caught me. I coughed trying to cover it up, but the memories hurt. They hurt like they were still happening in that moment.

"When she calls me suddenly someone wants me again... I know it isn't healthy, and I hate doing this to Leon, but I cant help it. She validates me. I hate living day to day feeling disgusting like I do, but she makes me feel wanted even if its just for a night."

I don't know what I expected her to say. At this point tears were rolling down my cheeks at a steady pace. I was a mess to say the least. I wanted to die more than anything. I hadn't felt like dying that bad since my early high school days.

Like I said, I didn't know what to expect, but I certainly didn't expect what she did next. I felt a hand rest on top of mine. I was still fidgeting with them, but I wasn't looking at them. I just stared off into the wall ahead.

I flinched when she touched me, but calmed myself and managed to stay still even if it was by going stiff as a board.

"Look at me Liam."

Her voice was so calm and smooth. I remembered another time she used that voice with me. When I was sick as a dog, and puking every thirty minutes during the past Summer. She stayed over and helped me get better .

I couldn't say no to her. I turned to look at her. My head tipping over lazily in her direction, and my eyes locking on the couch between us so I wouldn't make eye contact.

She reached up and brushed my cheek with her thumb. I flinched again, and she stopped hovering her hand just above my cheek waiting for me to calm down.

I took a breath to steady myself and she whipped a trail of tears away. Her hand didn't leave my face. She rested her palm there and her thumb gently rubbed back and forth.

I was nearly hyperventilating a moment ago, but she soothed me. She had a knack for that, but this was different. It was never like this. This intimate. I looked up meeting her eyes. They were soft and sweet now. Full of worry, but locked only on me. My stomach twisted itself up in knots. I didn't know what was next.

She leaned forward. Elizabeth got closer and closer warming my already hot body. I could smell her so vividly. A slight twist of strawberry in a fresh breeze. Her hair spilled forward off her shoulders as she got inches away from my face.

I would have moved out of pure fear of how close she was, but her palm stayed planted on my cheek. I didn't want that connection to end. I was afraid if it did I would never get what I was feeling back. Even though I was petrified with fear I felt something strange. I felt safe. It kept me planted there because I trusted her.

Her eyes ran up and down my face before she used her other hand to push my bangs away. That hand stayed planted on my temple holding my hair back.

My lungs had stopped, and my world shrank into a pin prick that only held her. Nothing else around us existed for the moment.

"May I?"

She asked quietly glancing down at my lips and then back up to my eyes. I still couldn't breath so I just nodded. My buzzed brain wasn't even sure exactly what I was agreeing to.

Elizabeth leaned the rest of the way in pushing her lips against mine. We kissed. Her warm, soft lips moved against mine slow and easy. As if every moment she was pausing making sure I was still OK with what was happening.

I didn't stop her. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I didn't want her to stop. When my air finally caught back up with me and I took in a lung full of her fresh scent I knew for sure I didn't want her to leave.

My hands shot up covering both her hands on my head so they wouldn't leave. She took that as a sign to notch up the intensity.

Elizabeth pressed into my body hard pushing her chest into mine, and forcing my legs apart as she put a knew between them to get better balance. Her lips crashed against mine over and over. Her kiss was hungry and hot like I've never felt from a kiss before.

I melted in her arms trying to keep up with her pace. She kept pushing into me eager to get as close as possible. I fell back against the arm rest on the couch unable to stand up to her passion, but holding her hands tight to me as I couldn't bare to let it go.

Before I knew what was really happening Elizabeth was over me straddling my one leg still on the couch. Her tongue slipped into my mouth and I felt my strength give up against her. She could have done anything to me, and I would have happily accepted it.

Her tongue explored my mouth brushing and lapping at my own tongue earning moans from me that I just couldn't hold back. I felt a hot blush burn against me cheeks as the moans that escaped me sounded more feminine than I would have liked.

I submitted to her touch, her kiss, her everything. Elizabeth's warmth wrapped around me, and her scent calmed me. I felt so safe and warm in her arms. Somewhere between the wet sounds of our lips and my weak moans I heard her groan as a tremble rocked her body.

She pulled from the kiss. I remember clearly whimpering uncontrollably at first before I caught myself. I had to shake my head to try and clear the need to beg her to come back. Thankfully she didn't move far.

"Liam I'm so sorry!"

She was apologizing for giving me the best thirty seconds of my life. I was stunned. My hands had fallen away from hers as a warmth sapped my strength away leaving me a hot mess under her. Those hands of hers ran through my hair over and over again as she continued to say sorry.

"I don't know what got into me! I just kept going and... Please don't hate me for that!"

"Elizabeth calm down."

I had to whisper it, because her kiss had so thoroughly taken my breath away that I couldn't get enough in to be loud.

"I said yes. I wanted it. It was... surprising, but not a bad surprise."

She sighed in relief and her face fell into my neck. Her warm breath across my throat made me shiver each time, and I could do nothing to stop it.

"You know how long I've wanted to do that?"

She said moving her lips against where my shoulder met my neck.

"I knew Sara had her hooks in you so I didn't want to try anything but... I've wanted this for a while."

Elizabeth just kept stunning me that night. One bombshell after another. I didn't say anything for a while. Hell, I was still struggling to breath after what she did to me. I felt her suddenly kiss my neck and again one of those soft moans escaped. I tried to stop it, but I just couldn't. Everything about being with Elizabeth was different from Sara. Everything different was so much better.

"Don't just lay there... Say something Liam."

She sat up resting her weight on my leg. She was flush just like me.

"What do you want me to say?"

She laughed quietly and put her hands on my shoulders pressing me against the couch with her weight.

"Accept my feelings, or reject me you idiot. I just poured my heart into that kiss."

I stared up at her mesmerized. Her jacket was barely staying on her shoulder. Her sun-kissed skin was beautiful. Those warm lips looked so inviting hovering over me. I didn't know what tomorrow would be, and I didn't care. All I knew was in that moment I didn't want her to let me go.

I would still hate myself later, I would hate my personality and my body. I would still have feelings I needed to figure out about Sara that would require a counselor, and I still didn't know if I loved Elizabeth just yet. All I knew in that moment was I didn't want her to let me go.

"I accept."

She smiled wide and let out a small little gasp. It sounded like a little school girl excited about opening a present on Christmas. She leaned in and planted another kiss on my lips. They lingered there for a moment before she pulled back just enough to talk to me. The breath from her words brushed over my lips like tiny ghosts of kisses.

"You smell like vodka and her. There is no telling what you did with her tonight, so I want you to take a shower before we go to sleep. I don't want her on me."

There was venom on her lips when she made mention of Sara. It was understandable, and the request was reasonable.

She ran a soothing hand through my bangs and kissed my forehead. I felt so small, but safe under her.

"You don't mind if I sleep here with you do you? Its already so late and..."

"No! I don't mind at all!"

I cut her off to answer and her bright smile was infectious. So wide and happy. Full of a playful attitude. She brushed her nose against mine, and gave me a playful little kiss punctuated by a nip at my bottom lip.

"Then get cleaned up."

Elizabeth hopped off me, and helped pull me up. As I left to head to my shower she grabbed my wrist and pulled me back to her. Her other hand locked on my other wrist like a vice. She pulled me against her and locked with my eyes.

"No more Sara. That goes without saying right?"

I pecked her lips. It was like a breath of fresh air. I could live on her kisses now.

"Of course Elizabeth. No more. I promise you."

As I finally left for my shower one brief thought crossed me that I didn't like.

I had made the same promise to Leon.