History Lesson

"Awwww..." Jenny had that look that some women get when something is just too precious for words.

"Everything clicked. We were nearly inseparable from then on. She was a year behind me, and we dated all through my junior and senior years. Dad recommended that I get started on my master's if I wanted to become a professor, and I certainly didn't want to leave Olivia, so that's what I did. We got a little apartment together, and I started my master's while she finished her BA."

"Olivia graduated and got a job pretty quickly, coordinating focus groups for a market research firm in the city. She seemed to like it, and having a little money made things easier for us. I finished my master's the next year and landed an assistant professorship at Seattle-Pacific. I'm pretty sure my dad pulled a couple of strings because normally, that requires a PhD. Part of the deal was that I'd work on that degree while teaching intro courses."

"A year later we were married and had moved into a slightly bigger place. It was perfect. I was teaching and working on my PhD, and Olivia was working and moving up the ladder at her job. Then one day, I came home and she was in the kitchen, crying. I thought something terrible had happened, and of course, I went to her immediately, but she just pointed to something on the counter. It was one of those home test kits. I looked back at her, and she could see the question in my eyes. She just stood there with her hands over her mouth, still crying and nodding. Once my mind caught up, I grabbed her in the tightest hug, never wanting to let her go or to leave any room for doubt at how overjoyed I was." I tried to surreptitiously wipe a tear away, but Jenny saw me. I think I saw a little extra moisture in her eyes too.

I paused, gathering my thoughts. This is where it was going to get really hard.

"So back to when we very first met... When I first saw you, I didn't notice right away that you were pregnant. You had your back to me. And then... then you turned to talk to the waitress, and I saw... just for an instant, I thought..."

I had to stop again, to clear my throat.

"I thought that you were her." Jenny's eyes went wide and she covered her mouth with one hand. "I saw that you were pregnant, and..." I cleared my throat again and brushed at my eyes. "Damn allergies... anyway, you do look just a bit like her, especially the hair... It was just such a shock. That's why I reacted the way I did. You're about as far along as she was... when..." We both had tear-steaked faces now. I took another deep breath.

"We were on our way home from dinner. I was driving, and I was laughing at something she said, and the light turned green, and without thinking, I just started m-moving." I choked back a sob. "I never even saw it. Never! This pickup truck just blew through the red light. The driver was drunk, over twice the limit. He walked away with barely a scratch. I woke up in hospital. Olivia and our baby were killed instantly."

Jenny just stared at me, wide-eyed. "Ieuan, I... I..."

"You see, Jenny? It was my fault! If I'd just been paying attention, they'd... they'd..." I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get outside. I lurched to my feet and headed out the door. I didn't know where I was headed until I felt two slender arms wrap around me as tightly as they could.

"Ieuan, it was NOT your fault. Never yours."

I turned around, still wrapped in her embrace, and returned it with one of my own. I rested my cheek against her head briefly.

"Thank you, Jenny... and logically, I understand. But really, what place does logic have, in something like that?"

She had no answer. She just continued to comfort me as best she could.

An eternity - or maybe just a moment - later, I scrubbed my hands over my face and then put them on her shoulders. "Thanks, Jen... I'm okay now."

She moved back, put a little space between us, and looked up at me. "Sure? I can keep this up as long as it takes, mister."

I gave a sad chuckle. "Yes, you give the most excellent hugs, but really, I'm okay. We should probably head back in before they think we ran out on the check."

Fortunately, the place wasn't crowded, so my outburst hadn't attracted much attention. And we had our usual unflappable waitress. We lingered quietly over coffee, just talking about the events of the week.

When I noticed her start to yawn, I felt terrible. "Jenny, I'm an idiot. Sorry for keeping you out so late. Here, let's get you home."

She smiled and told me I was being silly, but allowed me to escort her to the car, and I took her home while she texted Sheila that she was on her way. She hadn't heard back by the time we got to their apartment, and Sheila wasn't home when I walked her up.

"Oh well, it's not unusual... she'll probably be at the library until they close." She yawned again, gave me a hug, and started into the apartment. She paused and turned.

"Thank you, Ieuan. Thank you for sharing. I know that wasn't easy."

I nodded. "Thank you for listening. And for caring," I added softly as I turned to go.

"Ieuan?"

I turned back.

"I'm glad I met you." She gave me a small, strangely sad smile and gently closed the door.

"Me too," I whispered, but only the wind heard.

><><><><><

Over the next few weeks, we continued to get to know each other. In addition to Sunday dinners, it became lunch once or twice a week, when our schedules allowed. Occasionally Sheila joined us, but mostly it was Jenny and me. We talked about anything and everything. She was becoming my closest friend.

Then came a really tough week, and I was swamped. When I called and apologized for having to cancel our luncheon for the second time that week, Jenny insisted on bringing something to my office.

"You can't eat out of a vending machine, Ieuan," she scolded, setting out sandwiches, fruit, and a salad.

I was about to protest, albeit weakly, that I had just forgotten to pack anything when I heard Rogers' voice from the doorway. "Hear hear," he said stoutly.

"Rogers, come in! Excellent timing. I was hoping to get the chance to introduce you to Jenny," I said, pleased.

She turned slightly in her chair, as I said, "Jenny, this is my friend Rogers Hornsby. He's an Applied Economics professor here. Rogers, this is my friend Jenny Albright."

"What! You too? I thought I was the only one," he smiled, and noticing her condition, he gave me a quick glance that Jenny didn't notice. He knew about Olivia.

Jenny laughed, then her face became thoughtful, as something struck her. "Wait... C.S. Lewis, right?"

His eyebrows rose. It took a lot to impress him.

"Anyway, I'm sure that's not true,' she continued. "What about Hank?"

"Hey!" I protested. They laughed together, and I pretended to sulk.

"Oh, I like her," Rogers declared, and Jenny dimpled at him.

I was pleased that he had taken to her so quickly. "Oh, Jenny, turns out Rogers has Sheila in one of his classes."

"Oh wow," she turned to him. As I said, Rogers was very observant and also very quick. He knew what I was saying, and something flashed behind his eyes, a momentary confusion followed by... anger? Then it was gone. I looked at him curiously, and he very minutely shook his head. Hmmm.

"I just stopped by to say hello, and remind you of our game on Friday." I nodded. He stood, and continued, "It was wonderful to meet you, Jenny. My apologies for interrupting your picnic." Rogers gave Jenny a hug, congratulated her, gave me another look, and left.

"Thank you for this, Jen. It was very thoughtful."

"My pleasure."

><><><><><

Sheila never did overcome her reticence to talk about herself, so it was Jenny who filled me in on a few details. It felt a little strange, as though we were talking behind her back, but Jenny seemed certain that Sheila didn't care.

Anyway, as she had said earlier, Sheila was from Chicago. Her parents were fairly well-to-do, from what Jenny understood. Sheila had always known she was different, and her parents - while not as fire and brimstone as Jenny's - weren't exactly supportive. However, she didn't suffer in school like Jenny did, Chicago being a much more liberal environment. She had never even tried to date boys and had only one serious girlfriend all through high school. But Jenny said that Sheila didn't talk about her much.

Graduation was when her parents' non-acceptance of her lifestyle smacked her right in the face. They basically told her that now she was eighteen, she was on her own. Their job was done.

Her plans for Northwestern were destroyed, but Sheila was pretty smart. She argued with her parents that if they'd told her sooner that they were going to 'fucking disown her,' Jenny quoted, complete with air quotes, she would have been better prepared. Her father, who was a lawyer, appreciated her argument. So, they gave her a check for $50,000 and told her to have a nice life.

That would pay for maybe a year at Northwestern, or her entire four years at Illinois State. That decision, while disappointing, was obvious, and that's how she wound up at a school in a town called Normal, Illinois. Normal. For fuck's sake.

><><><><><

Something had been bothering me for a while now; something that neither Jenny nor Sheila had ever mentioned. It was a touchy subject, considering our somewhat strange relationship, but I felt it was important enough to ask.

"Jenny, you can tell me this is none of my business, but I feel like we're getting to be friends, and as your friend, can I ask you something?"

She looked at me a little warily but nodded.

"Umm... forgive me, I really am trying to help... but you've told me you're just working part-time right now, and Sheila of course is a student... and you aren't married or anything, so... how are you set for health insurance? Do you have an Ob/Gyn that you see for the baby?"

"Oh wow," she laughed in relief. "I thought that conversation was going to go in a completely different direction." She chuckled for another moment, then paused, suddenly looking ashamed. "No, I haven't really seen anyone. We went to the clinic here after I missed my second period, and they confirmed that I was pregnant, and gave me a bunch of information, but since then, no."

"It's ok, we'll get it figured out. But we need to get you enrolled in a health plan. You're young, so we should be able to find something that's fairly inexpensive. That is if you'll allow me to help?"

"But we already talked about it! We're just squeaking by as it is!"

"I know. But I'm offering."

"What, exactly?"

"I'm offering to help you pay for it, Jen."

"Ieuan, no, that's too much!"

"Look. Would you be willing to consider it a loan? The last thing I want is for you to feel obligated. But I also want to be sure you and your baby are okay."

She looked at me for a while. Finally, she said, "I have to talk to Sheila."

"Wrth gwrs. Err, of course."

A few days later, she called me.

"I talked to her, and she's good with your idea. Pretty sure she was willing to let you pay for it outright," she admitted, more than a little chagrined, "but I insist on it being a loan. I promise I'll pay you back."

"Whatever you want, Jenny." I sighed in relief. "Stop by sometime and we'll call my insurance guy and get you set up."

There was silence on the line for a few moments, then, "Thank you. I'll see you later."

><><><><><

As we spent more time together, I told Jenny a little more about my life after Olivia. I couldn't stay in Seattle any longer; there were just too many memories everywhere I looked. This small town seemed about as far away as I could get, and the local history made it a relatively easy choice. Plus, my dad knew the head of the history department here, and my boss at Seattle-Pacific was very understanding.

With all that, along with a letter of recommendation from Dr. Trumbel, the university here was more than willing to accept me and my PhD work. They even let me put the PhD on hold until I could get myself settled and back on track.

I did at one point think about going back to Wales. I thought long and hard about it, honestly. But this was a good opportunity and I decided to give it a chance. Funny, looking back... the decisions that change our lives?

><><><><><

Chapter 4

November

It was early November, and Jenny and I were having lunch on campus. Sheila was able to join us for part of it. Before she had to head off, a thought occurred to me.

"Hey, so uh, it's a little weird for me because for a non-American it's just a day off, but I guess I have gotten used to the idea of Thanksgiving. I mean, I've lived here long enough. I just... after Olivia, I haven't celebrated it."

"Didn't you ever have anyone? You know, a girlfriend or someone to share it with?" Jenny asked.

"Na. I've done things with women as friends - not those kinds of things, Sheila, don't think I don't see you smirking - you know, a concert, or a museum... but I haven't been on a romantic date since she died."

"What, never?" Sheila asked. "Dude!"

"There just hasn't been anyone. No one I've felt any kind of connection with. The ring throws a lot of women off. Maybe I wear it as a defense mechanism? I'm not ready to take it off, I can tell you that." This last, I said a little more loudly than I had intended, and paused to take a drink.

"Sorry. Even so, there have been a few who didn't seem to care, as well as some who know I'm single, who have approached me. And of course, my co-workers. 'Oh Ieuan, I have this friend who would be perfect for you...'" They laughed with me.

"But I just... can't. And it just doesn't feel right to lead someone on, knowing it will never lead to anything. So I can't do the 'friends with benefits.' And I'm not a one-night stand type of fella either."

Before Sheila could respond to that, I continued. "But we're getting off-topic. The reason I brought up Thanksgiving in the first place is because I wanted to ask if you had any plans?" Knowing their situation, I was pretty sure they weren't traveling, but they might be going somewhere local.

Jenny jumped right in, glancing at Sheila hopefully. "Umm... no, I don't think so?"

Sheila frowned slightly. "Well, I was planning to catch up on schoolwork... but sure, I could use a real Thanksgiving. It's been a long time."

Jenny clapped excitedly and hugged her. "Is our restaurant having Thanksgiving dinner? Or did you want to try someplace new?"

I said carefully, "Someplace new, I think. What are your thoughts about... well, about a home-cooked meal? At my place. I mean, it just seems appropriate, right? It's Thanksgiving! Shouldn't be celebrated at a restaurant."

They looked at each other, and surprisingly, Sheila responded first. She actually looked touched. "That would be really nice, Ieuan." Wow, she didn't call me 'dude' for once.

She looked at Jenny, who was wearing a big grin. "I think we'd like that."

Then Sheila announced that she had to get moving, so off she went. Jenny and I lingered for a bit, making some general plans for the holiday. She wanted to bring something, and I countered by asking her to help with the shopping instead. And if she minded coming early and helping to prepare. I was being selfish, using it as an excuse to spend more time with her. But she looked pleased, and got a little misty-eyed at that.

I asked if she was all right, and she apologized. blaming her hormones. She did add that she had some fond memories, from before everything went bad, of helping her mother and grandmother in the kitchen. Of course, that got me a little emotional too, so I gave her a longer-than-usual hug before heading back to my office.

><><><><><

Jenny was walking up Crain Street on her way home from work, and stopped for a moment, putting a hand to her lower belly. Wincing, she stood still, waiting for the pain to ease.

Suddenly she heard a concerned voice. "Jenny? Are you all right?"

She looked up to see Rogers Hornsby striding quickly toward her, wearing a worried expression.

"Rogers, hello! Yes, I'm fine... Just one of the joys of pregnancy! The doctor said there could be some pain, and that as long as it doesn't last too long it's perfectly normal." She breathed out a sigh. "There, it's passing. Whew!" She gazed up at him in relief.

"Well here, let me help you anyway." He took her arm solicitously and helped her a bit further up the slight hill to a nearby coffee shop, and eased her into a chair.

"Tea?" he asked, and at her nod, "Be right back."

She thanked him as he slid the cup in front of her. She set about adding a bit of honey and stirred it slowly.

"Sure you're okay?" he asked.

She nodded. "I'm so glad Ieuan convinced me to start seeing an Ob/Gyn, or I'd be terrified. Dr. Pavarti is wonderful."

Surprised, Rogers said, "You hadn't been?"

She shook her head. "Stupid, I know, but we just couldn't afford the insurance. Ieuan is loaning me the money."

"He's a rare one, our Ieuan," he murmured, watching her, and caught her blush.

Thinking quickly, he said, "Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."

Jenny chuckled, "You need to give me a harder one than that, Rogers, I am from the Midwest. That's Mark Twain."

Rogers grinned, then looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well then, my lass, perhaps this one might mean more to you. I hope you'll forgive my paraphrasing." He paused briefly, then looking at her, he recited, "'His heart is a secret garden, but the walls are very high.'"

Jenny's eyes went wide, and as she stared at him, he smiled slightly, squeezed her hand, and went on his way.

Jenny sat there looking out the window, as her tea went cold.

><><><><><

Two weeks until Thanksgiving. I asked the girls if they had any particular favorites, and spent a lot of time on the internet researching how to cook a turkey and other traditional things. I cheated on dessert, ordering from a local bakery.

Jenny and I spent entirely too much at the local grocery store on the Tuesday before. I was a little nervous when we got to the house. Jenny had offered to help me put things away - so she'd know where to look for them on Thursday - and I had accepted.

When we got there, I hesitated. Jenny, who was behind me, and looking down at the flagstone walkway rather than me, gently bumped into me.

"Ack! Hey, why'd you stop?"

"Sorry, Jen... umm... I know this is dumb, but I just realized that you may be the first woman other than family who has ever been here."

"Really? I don't know if I should be honored or sad."

"Neither, really... just... happened, I guess. Sorry for almost sending you arse over kettle! Anyway, shall we? I'll give you the tour once these groceries are stowed."

Seeing that we had company, Hank was more excitable than usual. Meaning he actually got up from his spot by the fireplace and came over to sniff at Jenny's hand and accepted some head scritchies. His tail thumped contentedly.

After we finished putting everything away, we slowly walked around the house. Jenny asked a few questions; how long had I been here, how old was the house, what had I done to it? I showed her the small room that I had converted into my office, and she was very quiet as she looked at the single picture that I still kept out. All the others were carefully hidden away. But this one was on my desk, and it was of her on our honeymoon. We had taken an 'inside passage' Alaska cruise, and I took a photo of her leaning against the rail, looking out toward the Grand Pacific Glacier. She had turned back to smile at me, and there was so much love in her expression that it still hurt me to look at it.