Hit'n Those Notes Ch. 14

The author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Friday, March 29th, 9:36 a.m.

Sleep had eluded me, and getting my brain to shut off was nearly impossible. I think the only reason I fell asleep was pure exhaustion. I was feeling that way now - exhausted. I was dreading meeting everyone for breakfast. So much so that I almost cancelled but didn't because the backlash would have been worse than what I had been facing since sitting down, which was pretty intense.

Kaley, mom, Bill, and Charles were rabid for details, and my inquisition began right after sitting down, after filling my plate from the breakfast buffet. I loved these people, but I certainly wasn't enjoying being the sole focus of this way too early gathering. My recap and recollection of every detail and every word spoken barely kept pace with their appetite for more information. It became tiring after ten minutes.

What was my reward for my efforts - to not miss a single detail? Questions about things I hadn't even considered, weren't relevant, or the asker hadn't caught the first time I supplied some detail that would have answered their question. Funny, telling the story out loud sure made it sound like it wasn't my fault the evening ended in such a weird limbo and utter disappointment. I was convinced I was broken...

"And he just gave up the information about his almost fiancé," Charles asked.

"Yeah, I didn't ask him about any dating history, but maybe the question about him flying other women around at night brought that out," I replied, shrugging.

"Eh... I don't know; it almost sounds like he wanted to get that off his chest," Bill added.

"Maybe," Kaley started, "But maybe he's still hung up on her?"

"That's not it," mom said. "He wouldn't have asked you out if he was stuck on her."

"Maybe the distance between San Diego and Vegas brought on some PTSD with his ex, and he realized he wasn't over her," Charles offered.

Mom shook her head and said, "I doubt that's what's going on, Charles..."

Charles probably didn't catch the annoyance in her voice; it was barely perceptible unless you really knew her. I smiled with a knowing look at Bill, who picked up on her tone.

"Okay, maybe he realized getting into a long-distance relationship wasn't something he could deal with," Charles said, trying to make his point valid after getting shot down by mom.

"So, the drive to the airport was full of playful teasing about what he had planned. Then he was cutesy about getting ready to fly you around. You take off, there's some dating exchange talk, and then the mood changed," Bill said, trying to pin down when I thought things went south.

"Basically, but it's not like we didn't talk about other things after the fiancé reveal. He told me about where he lives, things he does when not working, and stupid things. Oh, like whether I was a dog or cat person, what I did in my spare time, all normal stuff. I don't get it. But the mood did change, I know that for sure," I replied.

I didn't share Blake's question about the conflict with Jennifer; only Kaley knew the real details of that one. I didn't need a lecture from mom or any more off-topic questions. Was that off-topic? If I could only get a look at the security guard's report of the incident, I would know how much Blake knew and whether that was the beginning of the end - the question about Jennifer and my half-truth answer.

Should I have come clean on that? No, because being with Tyler wasn't who I was normally. It was a stupid, stupid mistake. If the report had said anything other than catfight, there wouldn't have been an opportunity to hang out, right? He would have thought I was too slutty or something. Augh!

"You're ready," Charles said to Bill.

"Sure...," he replied, "Brea, his loss. I'm not sure what that guy was thinking... You likely dodged a bullet."

Funny, Blake said that about his Jersey girl. Charles and Bill both got up and came around the table to give me a quick hug before heading off to do some last-minute gambling. Mom slid her chair out also, saying she wanted to finish packing. We hugged quickly. Everyone agreed to meet in the lobby to catch the shuttle to the airport at noon.

When they were out of earshot, Kaley said, "The security guard report probably said that bitch accused you of sleeping with her man."

"I thought that too, but why go through all that trouble to spend time with me, to impress me with a plane ride?"

"I guess... But guys can be stupid sometimes. The only way to know what happened is to ask him."

I shook my head, "Nah, I think I'll pass on that one. I'm ready to be home and to get back into my normal routine. I'm so done with Vegas and what being here has done to my head."

"Well, it's crap that he led you on and couldn't man up in the end," she said angrily.

"I get it," I replied. I was resigned to the fact that Blake was just another bump in the road while in Vegas. Not like I would want to move to Vegas anyway. Whatever...

Friday, March 29th, 9:51 a.m.

"Good morning, Breanna. Are you leaving today," Karen Cole asked.

We ran into each other in the lobby as I was making my way back to my room.

"Good morning... Yeah, my flight is at 1:58 PM. It will be nice to sleep in my own bed," I chuckled nervously. Why was I nervous? Karen ran the competition with Blake; it's not like I need to impress her now.

"I'll bet. We really enjoyed having you in the competition. You have a real gift. Such a beautiful voice."

I could feel my face flush. "Thank you for having me. I'd like to have shown better in the finale, but I was pleased with my performances."

"Well, if it's any consolation, you didn't miss placing by very much. In fact, less than two points separated you, Dana, and Carlie," Karen said with just a hint of conspiratorial secrecy in her voice.

"I had a feeling Dana and I were close in the scoring. I had no idea I was that close to Carlie, though..." I'm sure I sounded surprised, and the truth is, I was. That basically meant Dana beat me by one fucking point and Carlie by two - most likely. Fuck!

"I'm sure there were some disappointed fans of yours, no doubt. If we had announced the judge's scores, it might have helped them understand just how tight this competition was. We did release the scoring for each round to PBS, so they will likely include that in their documentation of the competition," she said.

"Thank you for sharing that with me... I guess I feel a little better about how it all turned out, that it was that close." I tried to keep my face as neutral as possible, but inside I was actually pissed. If what Bill had said was true about Dana's performance, losing by a point did NOT make me feel any better. I wanted so badly to beat Dana. Augh!

"If you're ever back in town and need something, let me know," She reached into a pocket and produced a business card, handing it to me.

"I appreciate that. If I...," then it hit me, "I was wondering if you saw the security guard's report from that little incident I was involved in?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me what it said," I tried to ask as nonchalantly as possible.

"Nothing really... It said they, the guards, broke up a confrontation between you and another woman. There was no physical confrontation, and Dana was holding back the other woman. To tell you the truth, it barely captured much. Did you need a copy of it or was there something more that happened," she asked, concerned.

"Oh no, I don't need a copy," I blurted out. "I was just curious what it said, and what you've told me is pretty much everything that happened," I finished that train of thought in a more normal cadence. Relax, breathe...

"Excellent. Well, I need to get going. Staff pre-shift meeting for a lunch banquet. If you need anything at all, please give me a call."

Karen sounded like she was going to be late for her staff meeting or something, so I thanked her again and we said our quick goodbyes. I watched her walk away towards the banquet rooms, feeling better about the security guard report but still pissed about the judges and losing to Dana by a point.

With the security guard report saying nothing, that left just one burning question: What the hell happened last night, Mr. Schultz?!

Friday, March 29th, 10:07 a.m.

This probably wasn't the smartest idea I'd had all week, but I was tired of not having the answers I needed, and there was only one person who could give them to me. I nervously entered the kitchen area Blake had taken me through on his tour and remembered his office wasn't too far down the second hallway, I thought.

My heart was pounding in my chest, and there was a slight ringing in my ears as I made my way to where I thought I needed to turn to get to his office. Unfortunately, I'd turned left when I should have gone right, and ended up needing to ask a cook coming out of a walk-in refrigerator where Blake's office was.

He looked surprised to see me and asked what I was doing back in this part of the kitchen. I told him Blake was expecting me and that I thought I knew how to get to his office but was now lost. Surprisingly, the guy seemed okay with that answer and took me to Blake's office rather than tell me I'd made a wrong turn.

"Mr. Schultz," the cook said after tapping on Blake's open office door, "Your guest is here." He stood aside so I could enter the office.

"Brea? Hey, come in... Come in," he said, surprised, rising from his chair. "Thank you, Carlos..." he said to my escort. "Wow, I ah... I wasn't sure I would see you before you left. Sit, sit...," he said, waving to a chair in front of his desk.

Blake looked nervous, I'm certain he didn't expect to see me again. Why? Why would you not want to see me? Slow down, play it cool, don't show your cards yet; you're here to get answers.

"I had a couple minutes, thought I'd stop by and thank you again for a wonderful evening... I mean morning or whatever..." Why was I all tongue-tied all of a sudden?!

"Oh, yeah... I'm glad you enjoyed it," he said, coming around his desk to sit on the edge of it in front of me.

He was close enough that I could put my hand on his knee if I chose to. Why would you do that if you had no interest in me or I repulsed you somehow last night? You could have just stayed on your side of the desk. Focus... Get him talking; he'll figure out why you're here. Don't jump the gun!

"Do you get much sleep?"

"About the normal amount, maybe four hours. I'm used to it... I'm only working a half day, so after a big banquet going off at," he looked behind him at the clock, "Eleven, I'm out of here.

"How many people?"

"Five-hundred. Some technology luncheon or whatever..."

"You don't even know who these people are," I asked, chuckling, the ringing in my ears now a constant buzzing. It's nothing, just nerves... Relax!

"I know who they are," he said, smiling. "I just didn't want to bore you with the details."

Speaking of details, that's why I'm here, you dope! You're plugged into the details of this group doing a banquet at your hotel, but the details regarding last night are why I'm here. Are you really this clueless and can't see that? Calm down... Dial it back a bit... This guy needs help to figure it out.

"I ran into Karen Cole. She told me I missed placing by a point."

"Oh, she told you that," he asked, again with surprise in his voice.

"Yeah... Did you know about the score?"

He hesitated, "Mmmhuh, I wasn't sure it would be a good idea to share that. I didn't want to upset you."

Didn't want to upset me? Seriously, does that mean you care? Lead me on last night all romantic like and then end it like I'm your fucking second cousin or something?! Augh! Fuck! Breathe.

"I'm pretty much over losing Blake, though I really wanted to beat Dana."

"You only lost to him by half a point. I think you should have placed second, not third, though," he said, seemingly more relaxed now.

Well, there's some news I didn't know. Half-a-fucking point?! Are you goddamn kidding me?! I felt my jaw clench tight as I struggled to cope with that revelation. This conversation was moving too slowly; fuck it!

"Did I say something last night to upset you?"

There it is, and let's be real and quit fucking around. So much for subtlety and my 'Let him talk...' approach!

Blake didn't look shocked by the question; in fact, he looked really calm, like he expected the conversation might go this route.

"No..."

"Well, I feel like something happened and the mood changed. I don't get it, honestly..."

I'm sure I sounded a little exasperated, flustered, or whatever, but at this point I didn't give a shit. Are my palms sweating? Is it hot in here? It is a kitchen out there, right? With ovens and cooking and heat...

"I thought I had said something that you didn't want to hear, and after that, I feel like your demeanor changed," he replied, a little unsure if he was capturing his feelings as best as he could.

"Like what," I asked. I was sure it sounded like I was complaining.

"I honestly don't know, maybe when I said that I was nearly engaged?"

"Are you still in love with her," I asked, more calmly than the last few statements I'd made. Should I have asked that question? Am I prepared for the answer?

"No, it's," he stood, went over to the door of his office and closed it, then returned to sitting on the edge of his desk. "Look, I'm... ah, I'm kind of complicated."

I so wanted to jump into a tirade about the complexities of being Trans, but bit my tongue hard so as not to ruin the flow of the conversation.

"I can appreciate that..." I was happy to hear he didn't lead off with still being hung up on his ex.

"Yeah, well, complicated doesn't really... Look, I've got some things I'm working on to tell you the truth."

"Like what?"

"Okay, well... I work a lot. I like working; I have goals and a career trajectory to which I'm committed. My ex complained about that a lot. She didn't complain about the house she fell in love with that my job helped pay for or the cruises or the car I bought her," his voice faded.

"So, do you think you have a balanced work-non-work life?" I asked, wondering how this in any way, shape, or form had anything to do with what happened last night, but I was willing to see it through. I kept coming back to the same question: Are you interested in me? Would I ask him that straight out?

"I could probably do with shuffling a bit of that around."

"Sounds like she used you," I said tentatively. "Maybe a little..."

"Probably... But it's not like I didn't take it or she didn't make concessions for me and my goals," he replied, a little confidence returning to his voice.

I so badly wanted to scream at him, 'That's all fine and good, but what the fuck was last night?!' but I held back. For a seemingly intelligent and successful guy, I was baffled by how stupid he was about what really should have been the focus of this conversation: 'us' and 'last night'. Grrr!

"And there's more to your complexity?" I asked, prodding him forward.

"And I can be a little overbearing with my attachments to stuff."

Okay, that's vague ass shit...

"You mean, like, to your car?" I knew that wasn't what he was talking about, but I wanted him to spit it out on his own.

"No," he chuckled, "I've... Geesh, Brea, I wasn't expecting to come completely clean about my past here... Look, I've been burned pretty badly in a couple relationships. The last one, especially since I was expecting it to go that next step. Cari said I was clingy or whatever. She complained about that a few times over the years, but I didn't see it." He finished that thought sounding a little dejected.

"Your ex thought you were OCD or something when it came to your guy's relationship," I asked a little more skeptically than I intended. Jesus, am I a counselor now?

"I honestly don't know... She gave that as one of her excuses for the breakup. I gave up trying to figure out her reasoning honestly. I'm over it."

It was taking every ounce of willpower I had to not jump this conversation twenty paces ahead. AUGH!!! What am I doing here? Oh, and I don't believe you are over being hurt about 'Cari'.

"Well, I don't understand what you're trying to tell me, Blake."

That is the perfect opening, dude! Tell me something about wanting to impress me, wanting to get to know me, something...

He looked confused for a split second and said, "Truth... I like you. I just didn't think out the distance problem and what that might be like. I mean, if you were interested also."

ABOUT FUCKING TIME! Okay, he's steering the conversation back to where it needs to be! He almost looked like he was expecting me to slam a door in his face after revealing the 'I like you' statement. Of course, I wasn't sure I still wouldn't, but hearing that the long-distance thing was a hang-up made it seem like the reason he'd had second thoughts about pursuing anything further. I guess that's why you didn't come looking for me before I left. Would it be easier for me to just fade away?

"Well, I've spent over half my time here in Vegas this week thinking you weren't interested in me at all. Then last night was the most romantic beginning of any date, or whatever you want to call last night, I've ever experienced." I had said all that without taking a breath - breathe, slow down. "I'm not sure what to think now... It sounds like it was over before anything even had a chance to begin."

"Well, that's not how I intended the evening to end at all, Brea... I thought I said something that screwed up any chance to get to know you better. Then after that, all I could focus on was, well, I already told you." He shifted on the desk slightly as if he were uncomfortable.

"So that's it? If we tried to explore something between us, it wouldn't work because I'm an hour and ten minutes away by Southwest Airlines or two and a half if you flew yourself," I said softly. I already sensed his answer. This wasn't going to work out; I could feel it emanating from Blake as if he just spray painted it on the wall behind him to make it crystal clear...

"I'm sorry, Brea, I never meant to..."

His face said all I needed to know. He was sorry for even trying. I stood before he could finish his sentence, "Well, better to know now..."

I never got to finish that thought because the lump in my throat was choking me out. I turned to make my exit, and I made it to the door before the tears began falling; thankfully, he didn't get to see that. I feel like he might have said something as I was walking out; there's no way I could have heard anything with the fucking ringing in my ears...

Friday, May 2nd, 8:12 p.m.

Vegas had been such a roller coaster ride of emotions that my desire to sing after getting home took some time to finally come back to me. Bill was good about not pressuring me, and mom said it was good that I took a break. Everyone knew about Blake and that I had confronted him; thankfully, everyone was super supportive. They also didn't press me for every detail of our encounter like they did over breakfast the day we left Vegas. Amen to that!

That break from performing ended up being four weeks. It took four long weeks for me to feel like singing in the amateur showcase at the jazz club again. And last week, even though I had signed up for a slot, and Bill and I had practiced a song; I couldn't bring myself to perform. Was my confidence shot to shit? Maybe...

I had told Gary I couldn't perform right before it was my turn to take the stage. Thank God he was cool about my pulling out at the last minute. It's not like I was on some printed program or part of some contest. The rest of the show went on as expected, and the audience was none the wiser. In hindsight, I probably could have performed, but I would have sucked, and I know my heart wasn't in it.