Holefinger

Following the orders of my boss, Hmm, the head of the British Secret Service, I had booked into the luxury golfing resort owned by some rich American TV personality.

In the morning I had watched as my German quarry placed a towel on a recliner by the pool. I had just finished a long drink, lying on it, when he returned.

His eyes were angry, but his voice was polite.

"Excuse me sir, but that is my place. It had my towel on it."

"So what?" I replied unconcerned. "It's bums that count."

"Indeed, they do. They count for a lot for me. In fact, few people appreciate them more than me. My name is Holefinger. Perhaps you have heard of me?"

He held up his hand with unusually long fingers.

"Sorry, no."

"Surely, Agent 006.9, your boss Hmm has briefed you better than that?"

I had disguised myself as a balding Scotsman with a toupee, and a tendency to say 's' as 'sh'. What had given me away?

Before I could answer, a big hand was placed over my mouth, and I was lifted easily off the recliner, by a massive oriental. I thought in vain of the clever gadgets in my case which had been provided by Kew. The Royal Botanic Gardens were an excellent cover for the supply of hi-tech to secret agents.

"I think you need a massage, Mr Bond. My servant Oddknob is fully qualified masseur, and will give you what you so desperately need."

I was taken back to his private suite and placed on a massage table, completely naked.

I tensed and resisted, but it was no good. All the stress was eased out of me. I was utterly relaxed and just too limp to resist. That was when I said it.

"Do you expect me to talk?"

"No, no, Mr Bond! I expect you to come!"

A man was going to toss me off!

"Not like that! Never!"

"For pity's sake!" I begged. "Let it be a woman!"

He smiled, and the door opened to reveal my boss's secretary, Miss Funnyfanny! I had fucked her so often, and laughed each time she joked we should get married. Why had she betrayed me?

"Sorry, James," she said, with a big smile. "You just wouldn't give me what I wanted. Now you're going to get what you deserve!"

While I was trying to understand this, Holefinger spoke.

"I will give you one chance, Mr Bond. If you answer the question correctly, I will let you go. What is Miss Funnyfanny's first name."

I hesitated. She must have one.

"You have fucked her, perhaps a hundred times. Yet you have never shown commitment and you have never given her an orgasm."

I couldn't suppress a chuckle.

"British women don't want orgasms!"

"Maybe, but I'm not British. I'm American -- a CIA agent!"

So that explained her spelling mistakes!

"It really saves a lot of trouble for both intelligence agencies," she added.

"Now what's my name?"

"It's a state secret," I said.

"It's on the door," she said.

I had to give up.

"Sorry, old girl. Don't know. Now Holefinger, old chap. I have had a couple of drinks so I do need to go to the toilet for a Jimmy Riddle. Sorry to be such a pain in the arse, but it's getting quite urgent."

That seemed to set him off.

"One good thing about the British, they don't say 'ass' like the Americans. And with your sloppy s's you almost get it right, the German way."

He paused and then spoke almost dreamily.

"Arsch! Such a perfect word. The r for rrroundness, and for farrrt, or as we say, Furz. Furz! The sh for shit, or even better, Scheisse! A beautiful word for such a beautiful thing!"

"Oddjob, send for Miss Galore, and turn him over."

The massive servant pressed a button then did something with the table and turned me. My cock and balls dangled down through a hole as I was comfortably restrained and my shoulders gently massaged.

A very fit looking older woman dressed in leather entered.

"Mr Bond, meet Pissy Galore. She has the same fascination for piss as I have for the arse, as you will find out."

She dived under the table and I felt a hand on my cock, then lips.

"Don't suck me off now! I need a pee!" I called.

The lips left my knob, and a voice from under the table said "I won't. I'm the toilet you requested," then my knob was enclosed again.

Oddknob pressed me down, and I had no option but to release. I was sorry to admit it, but it was good!

When I was finished, she sucked and massaged to get the last drops, and I started to be hopeful.

However, she came out from under the table, her face and hair still immaculate. Undoing some zips, she was quickly out of her leathers. Oddknob turned me over, restrained me again, and undid a couple of knots in my muscles which were beginning to develop.

Pissy leapt lightly onto the table, and peed all over me!

"Always nice to have a new one, Mr Holefinger," she said, as Oddknob towelled me off. She picked up her leathers and departed.

Holefinger spoke as Oddknob gave me an anal douche.

"I have always been fascinated by the human arse, Mr Bond. I love the shapes and movements. Men and women. Muscular or plump, I adore seeing them and caressing them. But it is the insides which most appeal to me. Once you are cleaned out, I shall have the pleasure of exploring yours for the first time."

"And in due course you will learn the special pleasure a man can have!"

Oddknob filled a large syringe with some sort of lubricant, and injected it into my private hole!

Holefinger approached, his long fingers moving like a pianist getting ready.

"Relax," said Oddknob, skilfully massaging my lower back so that I did. He was good!

I felt a finger gently pressing my pucker.

"Hey! That's not cricket! I said."

"At least it's not baseball," he answered, reaching under the table and tapping my bollocks. "But it could be if you don't shut up!"

I shut up, as a finger went in and he explored me, and strange sensations came. Hard to describe, but not actually painful. I could feel him reach what he called a second sphincter, and he sighed.

"You're prostrate," he said, as he started massaging what seemed like a little bump inside. That was so obvious that it did not require an answer.

"My penis is of no concern to me now," he said. "I get all the satisfaction I want through my arse, and it is my life's work to teach others the same, both men and women."

"You foul fiend," I said, groaning with pleasure. My cock seemed to be dribbling, but it also seemed that Miss Galore was back.

Then I came, a long, long coming, and I thought that must be the end, but it was far from it.

I was allowed to sit up, and Miss Galore rubbed her breasts on my face and offered me a choice of drinks. I took a lager.

I was then made to lie comfortably on my side, and subjected to the same indignity as Miss Funnyfanny showed me her breasts and stroked my face, saying "Oh James!"

"What is your name, anyway?" I grunted.

"Missa," she said. "M-I-S-S-A. It's Greek. And it's on the door. You're the only one who's never read it properly."

After I had been made to come again, and Missa had licked me clean, I announced that I needed another piss, so Pissy came round to the side and took me in her mouth as I relieved myself. It was very satisfying.

She leapt up onto the table.

"Not now," said Holefinger. "See if the resort owner needs another shower, or try the Russian agent."

She went off, and the assault continued.

I was exhausted with satisfaction when he eventually relented.

"You'll never get away, with this," I said weakly.

The days went on without mercy.

I had to lose a round of golf with the proprietor. I was told that his orange skin tone came from an addiction to golden showers.

I was given long relaxing massages and cordon bleu meals in between being made to come anally, and Holefinger inserted two then three fingers at a time.

At one point I escaped, but realised I needed a piss, so had to come back to find Miss Galore.

"Now it is time for Oddknob to show you his greatest massage skill," announced Holefinger, when I was once again comfortably restrained and relaxed, but standing bent over the table.

"I see how you got your name," I said, as he stood naked.

"Remarkable, isn't it?" said Holefinger. "His internal massages are something very special, as you are about to find out."

I cannot really describe the next period except that I came three times before he did.

We had lunch on the terrace with the Russian agent, whom I recognised as the chief of our Secure Communications Department. Apparently, his wife was the Chinese agent.

The afternoon was a further degradation.

Missa was there with a strapon dildo, somewhat similar to Oddknob.

"This is what I've always wanted, James," she said, and proceeded to show me what she meant.

When we had both come twice, I knew what I had to do.

"Missa Funnyfanny, will you marry me?"

"About fucking time!" she answered. "But only if you promise to fuck my arse as well!"

Holefinger looked on delighted, and Oddknob wiped his eyes.

"Anyone need a piss?" asked Miss Galore. We all shook our heads.

"Anyone like a shower," she asked hopefully.

"Oh, go on!" said my fiancée. "The two of us together!"

She leapt onto the table, and we held hands as she pissed in our faces.

I went back to see Hmm to make my report. I felt that Holefinger was merely an eccentric and no danger to British interests. His purchase of a volcano was purely for tax purposes. On the other hand, I thought the resort owner might bear watching. She disagreed.

"I am grateful for the explanation for his strange colour. But not to worry. We were interested when we learned he has political ambitions, but it is ludicrous to think that such a buffoon could get to high office. He'll just carry on his failed business ventures and TV appearances."

"He hasn't got the wit to be a supervillain. He represents no danger to the UK, or our American friends."

"By the way," she added, "talking of American friends, I understand you're engaged to our CIA mole, Missa Funnyfanny. It's about time, but congratulations. Your file says you don't do anal, so I'm a bit surprised. She must have persuaded you somehow."

"You know she's with the CIA?"

"Of course. It saves a lot of time and expense for both of us."

We married, and received charming range of wedding gifts. We particularly liked the bugged strapon dildo, and the his and hers piss pots. We fuck each other anally all the time.

Holefinger is busy building some kind of resort under the volcano, but sometimes visits to pleasure us both at the same time, while being serviced himself by Oddknob. Pissy usually joins us for drinks.

In affectionate tribute to the first and best Bond, Sean Connery, who would never do such things.