Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 046

The mimic, disguised as a recliner, came bouncing across the garage only to stop at her feet, its footrest lolling about like the tongue of a dog.

"My drone crashed on the other side of the gate. Do you have an arm long enough to reach it?"

Tick Tock's leg rest opened and closed like a mouth, so Dana closed her eyes. When she opened them, the recliner had become a mannequin with an arm that went nearly to the ground. At the end of its wrist was a large claw that looked like something out of a crane machine.

"Awesome. Let's do this." She walked into the yard with the eerie mannequin in tow. Tick Tock could replicate most objects it was familiar with, but only things with mechanical parts. Luckily for her, the shapeshifter had quite the imagination.

"There it is. Do you see it?" She reached the gate, and the drone was thankfully still there. Tick Tock squatted down and pushed its arm through the narrow slot of the gate, reaching for the downed drone.

As the mimic's arm moved between the bars and toward the drone, the leaves in the forest began to rustle. An ominous wind picked up, blowing through the gate itself, causing Dana's hair to blow away from her face.

In the distance, behind the trees, something large began to growl.

"Hurry, Tick Tock." The shadows in the forest darkened unexpectedly as Tick Tock's claw closed on the broken drone. The trees rustled their leaves, and whatever was growling was moving closer, the trees shifting at its passage. A dark shape stepped into view, and the sunlight itself seemed to bend around it.

Dana grabbed the mannequin around the waist and pulled. Tick Tock fell backward, the drone in hand, and the shadow beast suddenly vanished from sight. The trees were no longer rustling, and the forest was still once more.

"Sorry, Tick Tock." She helped the mannequin stand and brushed the dirt off its body. "You okay?"

The mannequin nodded.

"Let's get you back inside." She picked up the drone and walked to the garage. Tick Tock followed her in and quickly turned into an upright piano that rolled across the floor and came to a stop next to her desk.

The mimic played a few notes.

"Yeah, I'm okay, too, and thanks for asking." She sat at her bench and examined the busted drone. Luckily, the stone was still there. She removed the stone and the harness and put it in her toolbox. "Any idea what that was out there?"

Tick Tock played a series of notes that sounded roughly like the words no idea.

"Yeah, well, me neither. Any ideas on marrying science and magic to make this drone work?"

Tick Tock played a similar tune.

"Yeah, I'm out of fucking ideas, too." She tossed the drone on the ground.

Tick Tock played a bunch of notes, and Dana turned around with a frown.

"Hey, watch your mouth. Who's been teaching you language like that?"

Tick Tock went silent, then softly played the opening notes to Moonlight Sonata.

"No, no, don't change the subject. Was it Lily? Tink? I won't be mad, I just wanna hear—"

A loud explosion rattled the garage, and dust fell from the rafters above. The ground shook for several seconds, and Dana put her arms over the piano to protect it from debris.

Once the world settled, she turned around and looked at the garage. A few cracks had appeared in the concrete floor, and she hoped that her little apartment underneath was okay.

But that could wait until later.

"Stay here," she told the mimic, and stepped outside the garage, her eyes scanning the house. Windows had cracked, and a few shingles had fallen free, but nothing seemed seriously damaged.

"Oh!" Naia stood in the fountain, her hands over her mouth. She was looking at the roof of the house, so Dana stepped back, eager to see what Naia was looking at.

Once she saw it, she couldn't help but agree.

Mike sat at the table, frowning at the collection of objects they had unpacked.

With the exception of the box on the ceiling, they had unpacked everything else. A pair of silver candlesticks and some ornate drapes were the only thing that seemed to have any value, but the rest of the items looked like someone had gone on a thrift store shopping spree.

"I don't get it." Mike picked up a throw pillow. "Who packs a pillow? None of this stuff has any value whatsoever."

"Are you sure you don't detect anything magical?" Beth asked Yuki.

"Nothing. At all. This is just ordinary stuff." Yuki set down a small wooden statue of a man holding a net full of fish. "I don't recognize any of it either."

"But it's on the list, right?"

Beth shrugged. "The list is very specific, but most of this would fall under the miscellaneous category they have. The candlesticks are on there, as well as the drapes, so we know we have stuff from the house."

"Tink? Anything?"

The goblin was going through a small stack of clothing, which amounted to little more than some tube tops and booty shorts. "Tink see nothing useful." She held the tube top over her own chest, stretching the fabric. "Clothes too big for Tink, too small for dead girl."

"Definitely too small for Emily, right?" He looked to Yuki for confirmation.

"Indeed." Yuki picked up one of the tube tops. "Emily was far curvier than this." She stretched one of the tube tops and fired it at Tink, who slapped it out of the air.

"Wait a second." Mike looked at the collection of items on the table. He could almost see it now, if he were to rearrange the items. Curtains, a blanket, pillows, even a set of clothes. "This looks almost like a bedroom set."

"Oh!" Beth stood up and moved to a different position along the table. "I think you're right. Look at the colors on the pillows, they match the drapes. There's a small blanket that matches as well. Still..." she picked up a broken watch. "I'm not certain what's going on with the junk drawer vibe."

"Seriously, look at all these pens." Mike grabbed the stack on his side of the table. Some of the pens had business names on them, and a couple even still had chains attached. Jenny, active now, was busy building a mock log cabin out of them on the corner of the table. "So, we've got a bedroom set and someone's trash pile."

"And their piggy bank," Yuki announced, picking up a quarter. There was a bunch of loose change scattered through the boxes, and they all had a small stack in front of them. "Might be enough to order a pizza later."

"Tink wants pineapple," the goblin declared, and both Yuki and Beth groaned.

"So... if we have the contents of a room, and someone's belongings..." Mike lifted his eyes to the ceiling.

"Then perhaps somebody is actually inside that box." Beth finished. "But what?"

"Tink have bad feeling about box." The goblin slid off her chair and picked up her hammer.

"Yuki? Still not getting anything?"

"No. It's weird, because the box is clearly magical, but I'm not detecting anything off of it." Yuki squinted at the box suspiciously. "I get an angry feeling just by looking at it. It feels... wrong, somehow."

"Okay, then I guess the real question is how should we open it?"

The moment the words were out of his mouth, the box fell straight down, landing neatly in front of Mike. It had been taped shut with multiple layers of packing tape. He tried to pick up the box, but it was extremely heavy.

"Um..." he looked at Beth. "Who has the box cutter?"

"It's under the blanket." Yuki pulled the blanket off of the table, and neatly caught the box cutter before it could hit the floor. "Here."

"Sure you don't want to do the honors?" he asked, taking the cutters.

"No, thanks." The room was already growing cold, and frost had begun to accumulate on the table in front of her, and she held up one hand to reveal that her fingertips were now claws. "I need to be ready."

"Aw, geez." He touched the blade to the tape on the box and paused. His gut would tell him if something meant him harm, and right now, he felt fine. The tension in the room was palpable, and when he slid the razor blade through the tape, he could tell that everybody was holding their breath.

He expected something to burst out, jack in the box style, or even a burst of fire, lightning, or smoke as he opened a portal to another dimension. Instead, the box sat there, waiting for him to peel back the flap.

"That was anticlimactic." He lifted the flap and looked inside.

"Well?" Beth asked.

"It's... it's..." He looked up at her. "A door handle."

"And?"

"That's it." He stuck his hand inside and pulled the piece of metal out. "There's nothing else in the box." He grabbed the box and shook it with his spare hand. It wasn't even heavy anymore.

"That doesn't make sense." Beth came to his side and looked in the box. "None of this makes sense."

"Why would Emily pack up a—" The handle became hot and leapt from his hand, then blew a hole through the wall, taking chunks of plaster with it.

"Shit!" Everyone stood up and rushed to the front room. The handle was spinning wildly around the room and bouncing off of the walls with a heavy clang.

Yuki summoned up a barrier of ice for them to hide behind, and the handle clanged off of it several times before launching itself into the office.

"Death!" He didn't know if the grim reaper could be hurt by such a thing, but he had given up on logical assumptions weeks ago. "Heads up!"

They all ran to the office, and Mike leaned around the corner. Death sat calmly at his table, his cup of tea in one hand and his pot in the other as he tilted his skull to watch the flight path of the door handle.

"Mike Radley, what is this strange device? It is acting—" the metal handle struck Death's teapot, shattering it and spraying tea everywhere. Covered in what smelled like chamomile, the grim reaper rose, fire burning deep within his eye sockets.

"I didn't want to do this, but you've left me no choice." Death's voice was little more than a hiss, and he pulled his cowl up and tilted his head from side to side, the bones popping within.

"Death, be careful!" Mike hollered. He half expected the specter to summon his scythe and slash the handle in half, or cast it straight into Hell.

"I do not need to be careful, Mike Radley." Death passed around the table, and the door handle ricocheted harmlessly off of his skull. He stopped briefly at the doorway to appraise everyone. "I am simply going to make myself some more tea."

"But... I thought... you sounded so mad."

"I am angry, Mike Radley. I now have to make my tea one cup at a time, and that is quite annoying." Death passed by all of them, and Yuki snorted, her hand over her mouth.

"What did he say?" Beth asked.

"Nothing important."

They watched the handle bounce around some more, knocking books off the shelves and scattering Death's maps around the room. Suddenly, it halted in midair and glowed red hot, showering the floor with sparks.

Tink bolted around the corner and swung her hammer through the air. The moment before impact, the handle fired itself straight into one of the bookshelves, splintering the wood and embedding itself in the wall behind it. Tink's swing went wide, and the hammer splintered the floor on impact.

"Fucking, cock-eating piece of shit..." she started, but Mike tuned her out. Smoke was pouring out of the bookshelf now, and he worried that the books would catch on fire. The last thing he needed was another fire in the office.

"Yuki, quick!" He and Beth ran for the shelf and began pulling books down. Yuki stood in the center of the room and blasted the shelf with her magic, trying to cool the room down before it ignited. Frost formed in a giant ring around them as the heat kept ice from forming.

A constant fountain of sparks now emerged from the door handle, and Mike finally grabbed the book shelf and pulled it down, spilling books across the floor. Beth stood across from him, her hands shielding her eyes. He couldn't help but notice the odd shadows the light cast across her body, or how her nipples stood at full attention in the chill of the room. With her arm folded up, her breasts were now pressed together, revealing an ample amount of cleavage.

Focus! He turned back to the handle just as Tink attacked it anew with the hammer, her goggles over her eyes.

A sound like thunder filled the room, and the goblin was blasted into the opposite wall, holding only the handle of her hammer. The room was now like a sauna, and the office disappeared into the mist.

"Tink!" Mike took a deep breath to call for her again, but choked on the thick steam.

"Tink fine," the goblin grumbled from somewhere behind him. "Broke hammer, but okay."

A hand grabbed his and pulled. He followed, and was pulled out into the living room by Beth, who was in turn being pulled by Yuki.

"Tink!" he shouted back into the office. A green figure crawled out of the steam and collapsed on the floor with a grunt. When he knelt by her side, she dramatically flopped onto her back.

"Husband do mouth to mouth," Tink whispered, then pushed her goggles up to reveal closed eyes. "Tink probably die. Maybe."

He rolled his eyes, but leaned in to give her a quick peck on the lips. She grabbed him by the back of the head with both hands and held him in place as her tongue darted into his mouth. Caught off guard, he tried to sit back, which resulted in Tink biting his lower lip as she popped free.

He rubbed his lip and stood, shaking his head.

"Tink saved!" the goblin declared, then stood up and flexed her biceps before throwing herself at him and pinching his butt. "Husband is Tink's hero."

Over his shoulder, Mike heard Beth laugh.

"The steam is clearing," Yuki announced. She was crouched on the floor, and several rivulets of ice ran from her fingertips into the office. She was clearly cooling the air with her magic.

"Let's go see what sort of mess we're in for now." He took the lead, only to have Tink rush ahead of him. She pulled her goggles down and scrutinized the metal handle that was now embedded in the wall.

"Not hot," she declared, then grabbed the handle and pulled. "Stuck good."

"Why would a door handle fly through the house and embed itself in the wall?" Beth wondered, her chin in her hand. "I don't get it."

"I don't think there's anything to get." Mike leaned in close to inspect the handle. It was a nicely twisted piece of black metal, which reminded him of the door handle of a fancy downtown restaurant he had once eaten at. It was bolted neatly into the wall, which was somehow untouched by the heat it gave off earlier. "I have a handle on the wall now."

"For what, though? Is the whole house gonna tilt?" Beth stood by his side now. "Is that the 'Oh, shit' handle for your home?" She grabbed onto it and gave it a pull. "It must be in a stud."

"Please. Don't even suggest things like that. Sometimes I think the house is listening. Now that you've said it, I'm going to find myself crawling down the stairs at two in the morning just to grab this handle to keep from falling out of—"To emphasize his point, he grabbed the handle and pulled.

A loud boom shook the house, and the ground rumbled beneath them. A nearby bookshelf toppled, adding to the mess already on the floor, and Beth let out a scream. Tink grabbed on to Mike's leg and held on for dear life as the wall behind the handle glowed like a tiny star, the plaster burning away beneath it. Two beams of light came from the wall and moved in a large rectangular pattern.

He felt like he had been plugged into a wall socket, and a golden glow surrounded him, rushing down his arm and into the wall. His fingers tightly gripped the handle, and he felt his entire body heat up.

A tone like a church bell sounded, and the shaking stopped. He fell to his knees, and his fingers released the handle. He looked at the palm of his hand, where he had gripped the handle so tightly that the twisted pattern of the metal had been left behind.

"Is this... is this a portal?" He stood and took a step back, looking at Yuki. "It's gotta be, right?"

"I don't think so. It looks like an ordinary door." Yuki frowned. "I don't understand. Does it go outside?"

"No go outside," Tink muttered from the floor. Mike helped her stand. "Stay inside. Tink remember."

"Tink remembers what?"

"Tink show you, understand from out here." The goblin bolted toward the front door and Mike followed. When they walked outside, he let out a groan.

Where the front porch had been extended to include the gazebo, a giant section of the house now stood, and the gazebo had been ripped completely off its foundation. Across the yard, a few centaurs had appeared, weapons ready, and the jabberwock lifted its head from the bushes, the roof of the gazebo falling off of its head. It snorted and lay back down, vanishing into the bushes.

He walked out into the yard and turned around to look.

"Okay. I know for a fact that wasn't on the list." On the left side of his house was a turret that was slightly larger than the one on the right side of the house. This one looked dirty and faded, as if someone had cleaned the entire house but neglected this portion.

"I don't... I just..." Beth tilted her head. "Do I hear moaning?"

Yuki's ears twitched, and her cheeks reddened. Mike listened intently and heard the sounds of a woman grunting in pain beneath a section of porch roof that had toppled off the house. He and Tink moved toward it and lifted the section up to free the trapped woman.

Underneath, Abella stared up at them in embarrassment. In her hand was her tablet, the screen cracked all the way across. She was frantically tapping it with her other hand, but obviously the screen's sensor had broken, and the porn she had been watching continued to play unhindered. A headphone jack dangled from one of her ears; she plugged it back into her tablet, and the sounds of moaning disappearing.

"Um, I was on the roof when this appeared." Abella looked over her shoulder at the house. "I fell down, and, uh..."

"It's fine." Mike knelt down by her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just a bit embarrassed." Her cheeks darkened, and she stood. She let out a sigh, then handed the tablet to Mike. Through the large crack on the screen, a woman was getting pounded by two energetic men. "I don't know how to make it stop."

He chuckled and did a force shutdown on the tablet. "I'll get you a new one, once this is all sorted." He turned his attention to the new addition to the house. "Tink says she recognizes this. How about you?"

"I do, but..." Abella's features pinched. "I was never allowed inside. That's all I really know about it."

"Tink know. She can show husband." The goblin grabbed his hand, but Mike held his ground.

"Hold up. Let's check on everyone else first, and make sure there isn't serious damage anywhere else. Then we can check it out."

Why had this addition's appearance been so violent? And how had Emily packed away a portion of the house? Why send it away?

Those were questions he intended to find out, but before he did anything else, he crossed the yard toward the sundial. Several of the bushes had been flattened by chunks of his porch, and when he got to the dial, he gave it a good twist. If he had learned one thing from his time in the house, it was to make sure the defense system was active before going somewhere new.

She opened her eyes, quickly scanning the room. It seemed empty, and she found herself on the floor. Instinctively, her hands went to her throat, and she relaxed when she realized nothing was there.

What was that about, she wondered. Letting out a big yawn, she stretched, feeling all of her limbs pop, then stood. How long had she been asleep? And where was she? The room she was in had a large window that overlooked the large yard, and she walked toward it.

Down below, she saw a small group of people talking to each other. Pressing her face against the glass, her attention was caught by one of them. It was a man, and he moved through a maze-shaped garden to turn a sundial. He had a weird aura about him, almost as if he was a movie star, and the spotlight followed him around. It was strange to contemplate about someone she didn't know in such a manner, but everything about her situation seemed odd to her, so she looked around the room some more, hoping for some answers.