Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 046

Hey all! Next chapter, coming right up!

New reader? Just start at the beginning (unless having no idea what is going on is your kink). The story is written in chapters, and this is Book Four, so a lot has happened.

Returning reader? Welcome back! Sorry about the wait, I have some time intensive real world things I am dealing with, so my writing schedule is a little fucked lately. After the October onslaught of submissions, I am back to just HFHM (for now, hehe), but this chapter will have some fun surprises.

Please don't forget to leave a rating, comment, or leave feedback, I love reading through them, especially when I should be writing (lol). This was a fun chapter for me to write for multiple reasons, and I definitely want to know what you think.

Okay, time to find out what's inside that fucking box!

Boxing Match

Sleep came for Mike, but it was far from restful. Unable to properly enter the Dreamscape again, he tossed and turned in his bed, his brain unwilling to let things rest.

His first thoughts were on Cecilia. He could see her now, trapped inside a silver cage in the middle of a glen surrounded by waterfalls. Breaking the lock on the cage, he stepped inside—only to have her melt like wax in his arms and slide through holes in the floor.

"Cecilia," he cried out, her name slurring as if spoken in slow motion. Heat licked the back of his neck, and he turned around to see his home on fire.

I told you, Caretaker! I told you! the shadow hissed, before burning up like a piece of paper and drifting away on the wind. As the flames crawled into the cage and consumed Mike, his body would go numb and the dream would start over, the smell of fire and brimstone clinging to his nostrils.

After hours of his brain doing this to him, he finally gave up on sleep and rolled out of bed.

"Lily? You there?" He half expected her to poof into existence. She had said she was going to watch him more carefully while he slept. Clearly the dreams themselves had taken place outside of the Dreamscape, which meant he clearly didn't qualify for Demon Dream Insurance LLC.

His phone, which he had forgotten to charge, informed him that it was a little after twelve in the afternoon. He plugged the phone in on his nightstand and got dressed before heading downstairs.

Beth, Yuki and Tink were already sitting in the front room, and the goblin sprang to attention.

"Finally, husband up. Find out what's in box now?"

"Box?" Mike blinked, the events of last night slowly filtering through the haze of his dreams. "Oh, right. Yeah, I need to eat something first."

"Ugh." Tink rolled her eyes and picked up a sledgehammer she had set on the floor, then dragged it out of the room, moping the whole way. "Call Tink when open box!" she hollered before storming out the back door.

"She's in a mood," he commented.

"She got up early and has been watching the boxes with the rats." Beth arched an eyebrow. "Apparently she has a bad feeling about one of the boxes."

"The one that's moving?"

Beth and Yuki looked at each other.

"About that. The moving box isn't moving anymore." Yuki grinned at him, revealing a pair of sharp canines. "It broke free of the duct tape sometime last night."

"Oh shit, where is it?"

"It's... still in the dining room." Yuki stood up and Beth joined her. Beth was holding a few sheets of paper in her hands.

"What are those?" he asked.

"Guesses at what's in the boxes. We have a full inventory from the storage unit, so technically we know what it could be." She handed the sheets of paper over. "By eliminating what was sold off versus what wasn't, and crossing off what is too big to go in the box, the remaining list is what we could be looking at."

"Okay." Mike looked down the list. "You've only crossed off a few things."

Beth rolled her eyes. "I'm a lawyer, not a psychic. This missing stuff was a huge pain in my ass, and so much of it is still out there, and we have no idea what Unearthly Delights sold. So yes, I only crossed off a few things."

"Yeah, sorry." He ducked past her and walked into the dining hall. "So let's just go ahead and..."

Mike never finished his thought. The first thing he saw was that the rats had doubled in number, all of them holding miscellaneous weapons of some sort. The second thing he saw was that they were all looking up.

"Oh, fuck me." He lifted his gaze toward the box that now rested on his ceiling and promptly dropped the papers he was holding.

"Well, what do you think?" Beth scooped up the papers. "I know I'm curious."

"I think I'm going to need some coffee." He turned to look at her. "Please tell me that the list has an enchanted ceiling fan on it? Or maybe a chandelier? Something that belongs there?"

Yuki giggled. "C'mon, let's get some food in you and then open up that box."

"I... shit. What about research on the faerie queen?"

"Mike, you have a cardboard box on your ceiling." Beth put her hand on his shoulder. "Sofia is going through those books right now with Ratu in the study, so don't worry about it. Take care of whatever this is first."

"I knew it had been too quiet around here." Scowling, Mike moved into the kitchen and pulled a box of Eggos out from a secret location in the freezer and tossed a pair of them in the toaster. Coffee had already been made, so he poured himself a mug and drank a third of it before his Eggos popped up.

"Anything about our latest guest?" he asked Beth as he slathered butter on his breakfast.

"Oh, he's interesting. But nothing useful, so far anyway." Beth grinned. "I've been keeping an eye on him all morning. He's been busy chatting it up with the centaurs. They've been trying to figure out what's killing the bushes out front. Apparently the unique climate of the geas means that conventional knowledge no longer applies, and they're all fascinated. Sulyvahn is the talkative sort, it would seem."

"Hmm." Peanut butter went on top of the butter, and he slathered it all in syrup. Since he was in a hurry, he flipped one waffle on top of the other to make a sandwich out of it.

"I don't know how you can eat that," Beth commented. "Too many carbs all at once."

He shrugged and took a big bite, savoring the taste of melted butter mixed with peanut butter. Mike still felt oddly strung out by his bad dreams, and having a mysterious box on his ceiling officially had him on edge. Still, putting some food in his belly was already helping.

Why now, though? he wondered. The last month had been peaceful, but things were suddenly happening all at once, and he half expected a giant to stomp its way into his front yard and take a huge shit on his house while Tink tried to smash its toes in with her hammer. He pictured the little goblin running back and forth, swinging her club and spitting out a symphony of swears before climbing up the giant's leg hairs and biting it on the nuts.

He choked on his Eggo.

Yuki smacked him on the back, and he coughed it back up, then chewed it better before swallowing. "Thanks."

"Itashimashite."

"Beg pardon?"

"She said you're welcome." Beth poured herself a cup of coffee.

"You speak Japanese?"

"I speak context." Beth smirked. "Still not a psychic. Just a lawyer."

"And a damn good one, probably." When Beth frowned, he put his hands up in self-defense. "No, I just meant that I haven't really used you in a regular lawyer kind of way. Other than signing some paperwork and preventing magical home invasions, I have no idea how good you are at actual litigation-type stuff."

"A fair observation. I'll let you off just this once, counselor." She smiled and took a sip of her coffee.

Mike shoved another bite of Eggo in his mouth, chewed carefully, then swallowed and turned to Yuki. "Why aren't you working on your tarot cards?"

"You have a box on your ceiling."

"You're curious about what's inside, aren't you?"

Yuki shook her head. "Nope. I'm supposed to keep you out of trouble. Ratu did a brief inspection this morning and didn't detect anything dangerous."

"Her actual word was 'interesting,'" Beth interjected. "She didn't detect anything 'interesting' and declared that she thought you could handle it."

"But we won't know until you open it, so it's my turn to watch you." Yuki bowed her head.

"Ah." Mike slammed the rest of his breakfast, then worked his way through his coffee. After being locked in an extra-dimensional wardrobe last month, the household had discussed heightened security for him, particularly if weird things started to happen. His mysterious shipment definitely qualified as weird. "Well, I guess we should get this show on the road, then."

"I'll get Tink." Beth left him alone with Yuki while he put his plate in the dishwasher.

"So, I know this is a sensitive subject, but... any idea what Emily put in storage?"

Yuki shrugged. She had been locked away in her tower when Emily had died and the house had reset, which meant that she still had her memories from before the reset. Everyone else only regained them if Mike discovered something or somebody new. "Hard to say. Between how much stuff has gotten broken and how much is already missing, I really don't know what she could have gotten rid of. The rats came after I did, and they moved quite a bit of stuff around. I will say that a magic box that has done its best to come home on its own is beyond me."

"Ah. Well, thanks anyway." He finished his coffee and rinsed the cup out before putting it on the drying rack. "Shall we?"

"Yes." She followed him past the small kitchen table and into the dining hall. The rats were still watching the box on the ceiling intently, and Mike took a seat at the table and waited.

Beth and Tink showed up and sat down. Tink was covered in dirt, but he didn't bother asking what she had been up to. Beth set Jenny down on the table, the doll's vacant eyes staring across the room.

"Should we open the other boxes first?"

"Your call," Beth told him. "Let's itemize what we have, though. Make sure stuff goes where it needs to instead of making a big mess."

"I miss the good old days when we could just throw stuff in the trash if we didn't want it." He picked up one of the boxes that had been stacked against the wall. Tink slid him a box cutter, then readied her hammer.

"Here goes." He could feel the whole room tense up, and he pushed the blade of the box cutter into the thick tape that had sealed the box shut. He moved slowly, half expecting something to jump out at him. Satisfied that he was probably safe, he put the box cutter on the table and opened the flaps.

"Oh," he muttered, staring at the pile of styrofoam popcorn inside. He was going to have to feel around with his hands. Shaking his head in disgust, he stuck his hands inside and felt around, his fingers closing on something hard.

"What's behind door number one?" he asked in an announcer's voice, and pulled the object free.

Dana watched Tink go into the house with Beth, a small frown on her face.

A minute ago, they had been testing one of the drones using a magical stone as a power source. The drone had behaved perfectly for about fifteen seconds, then started chasing Tink through the yard, ignoring its remote. The goblin had taken a nasty fall into one of the potted plants, shattering the pot with her thick skull and covering herself in damp dirt.

With a deluge of angry words in goblin, Tink slid the goggles over her eyes and picked up a chunk of pottery. Her aim had been perfect, and she smashed one of the rotors.

The drone spiraled out of control, rising up while spinning. A strong breeze caught it and carried it across the yard while Dana frantically tried to land it before it landed in someone else's yard. The drone seemed to respond somewhat to altitude controls, but only intermittently.

On its way down, the drone caught on the edge of the large iron gate in the back of the yard, then tumbled into a death spiral on the other side. That was when Beth had arrived and asked Tink to come with her.

Dana walked up to the large iron gate and put her hands on her hips. The stone wall wasn't great for climbing by any means, and if Tink had been here, she could have easily given the goblin a boost (or the other way around—Tink was quite strong). Grabbing the gate with both hands, she gave it a shake.

It didn't budge. The old lock on it had some rust, but looked otherwise functional. She sincerely doubted that Mike had the key to it, though. They had never had any reason to check out the woods behind the house, and she certainly hadn't seen a key lying around that looked nearly as big as the keyhole was on this particular lock.

"C'mon," she muttered, sticking her arms through the bars. The drone was still several feet away from her outstretched hands.

The drone itself wasn't important, but the magical stone inside of it was. She hated to even take her eyes off of it, worried that some passerby might pick up the drone out of curiosity. She pressed her face against the bars, looking along the edges of the forest behind the house.

There were no trails to be seen, and no signs of life either. It seemed odd to her that so many houses backed to this forest, but nobody was back there. It seemed like the perfect place for an afternoon stroll. The gate was made of thick bands of iron with decorative spikes at the top beneath a brick arch. The arch wasn't high enough for her to fit through the gap, but if she scaled the gate, she could easily get on top of the wall instead.

She put her hands and feet on the gate and started to climb. When she was halfway up, her foot slipped off of one of the bars and she fell backwards, the iron spike at the top she was using as a handhold bending until she slipped. She fell flat on her back, the wind knocked out of her.

Standing up, Dana coughed a few times in an attempt to get her lungs to function properly. She didn't need the air to breathe, but did need it to talk. Several moments passed before the pinching sensation in her chest vanished.

Scowling, she looked at the top of the gate and saw that none of the spikes were bent.

That was odd. She could have sworn she felt it bend. Shrugging, she tried again. This time, she was far more careful about where she put her feet, which was good, because she nearly slipped twice.

Near the top, she put a hand out to grab onto the brick wall and pulled herself up.

"Ha!" She wouldn't let an old, rusty gate defeat her. Twisting around, she dropped onto the ground and started looking for the drone.

It was gone. Puzzled, she walked back and forth along the brick wall.

It should be right here. Dana turned to look at the wall and froze.

There was no gate on this side. It was just a solid wall of brick.

"I... that's..." Logically, she wanted to debate the reality of what she saw, but she had already seen far weirder things. Turning to look at the forest, she saw that the forest itself was different as well. Instead of closely grouped trees and thick vegetation, she was looking at a large area with a path that ran through it, as well as a few benches along the path. People walked along it even now, but nobody seemed to pay her any attention. On the other side of the clearing was the forest itself, now suddenly over a hundred yards away.

Looking around, she spotted what looked like a makeshift step stool by the wall. Some rocks had been stacked, and when she stood on them, she got a good view of the back of the house. It took her a couple of jumps, but she made it up and onto the wall.

"Super weird," she muttered to herself, then dropped down onto the other side. She was expecting to land on the soft grass of the backyard, but was surprised when she landed on the hard concrete of a sidewalk. The suddenly stiff landing caused something in her leg to pop, and when she stood up, her leg was at a weird angle.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." She looked around, realizing that she was now out in front of the house. How had that happened? Hopping over to the entrance, she was relieved when she passed between the lions without any issue, and was greeted by the sight of a pair of centaurs talking with a man in black.

"Um, hey." She waved for their attention, and the centaurs immediately recognized her. "Could I get a little help?"

"Oh, now you're a fascinating lass," the stranger said, and she realized that this must be Sulyvahn. "What on earth happened to ye?"

"Broke something, probably." She indicated her leg. One of the centaurs helped her over to a stone to sit on, and the other one examined her, then declared he could set the bone. The process wouldn't hurt, but it would be tough to do.

"Oh, I'm not talking about that." Sulyvahn knelt down next to her, his eyes on her breasts. "You've got the divine spark in ye, I can see it. But no heartbeat. Are you a member of the undead?"

"Yeah, it was a pretty fucked up Monday. Could you step back please?" She shooed him away, and one centaur held her down while the other twisted her leg back into place. The bones realigned, and she felt a chill spread through her as the break repaired itself. That was a serious injury, which meant she was going to have to feed sooner rather than later. Already, a gnawing sensation formed in her belly.

"Now tell me, lass, how did ye come to be in such a predicament?"

"My name is Dana. Don't call me lass."

"Beggin' yer pardon, Miss Dana." Sulyvahn gave a slight bow. "I meant no offense. I've not met such a creature as yourself, one with her faculties still intact. I've rarely seen such a feat."

"Wait, you've seen this before? Hold on a second." She stood up, testing her leg. It seemed to be fine. She thanked the centaurs, and they went back to their gardening duties. "Have you met someone else like me? An undead that could think for herself?"

"Not quite. The few I've met like ye have been the cursed ones, men and women of great power who refused to move on. But you don't seem to have the aura of a lich, Miss Dana."

"I'm definitely not a lich. But out of curiosity, what are you?"

"I'm a dullahan, la—Miss Dana." He grabbed his hair by the hand and pulled, revealing a black mist that flowed from the hole in his neck. "It's my job to make sure lost souls get to the afterlife."

"Great. Can you help my soul cross over?"

"Eh... not that I'm aware of. I can only affect the dealings of a soul that isn't anchored to this world, I'm afraid. I imagine trying to ferry you over would be like trying to raise the bottom of the ocean by giving it a good yank."

"Shit. Sorry, I'm actually in the middle of something right now. Nice talking to you." She walked past the dullahan at a fast pace, more pressing concerns on her mind. How had she ended up in the front yard? What had happened to the gate? Passing through the house, she heard the others talking in the dining hall, but kept going down the hall to the backdoor. Once she stepped outside, she saw Naia standing in her fountain, gazing toward the gate.

"Oh, there you are." Naia gave her a wave. "I was down in my spring and came up just as you hopped the wall. Are you okay?"

"I've been better." Her leg clicked when she walked now. "Do you know why I ended up in the front yard?"

"You can only get in through the front. If I had known what you were doing, then I would have warned you."

"The geas, I'm guessing?"

Naia nodded. "The whole world can't be blocked off, but the back of the house has been sealed. It's why the Society didn't come over the gate out back during their last assault. They could only come in the front."

"Then why the hell do we have a gate?" Dana pointed at it.

"I... uh..." Naia's eyes immediately went blank. "I have no idea."

"Well, do you have a long stick or something? Wait, never mind." Dana walked into the garage. "Tick Tock, I need you!"