Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 084

Hi all! Annabelle Hawthorne here with the next chapter of "Let's fuck Christmas...Literally!"

(Now if we could just get Starbucks to put some book art on their cups this year...)

New Reader? This is a story that started as a dude with a nymph in his tub and is now about a dude fighting the Krampus. There were a few chapters between then and now, so you may want to pop back and get caught up the long way.

Returning Reader? Welcome back!

As always, thanks for your continued support. I've been inundated with (mostly) nice emails from you, and would like to gently remind some of you that each book is comprised of chapters that contribute to a whole novel. There will simply be times where the erotic elements are a bit light, but I always try to balance it out later on.

(Or maybe the erotic element is secretly edging, and I'm just light years ahead of my time, whatever makes you happiest)

Anyways, this chapter will feature a scene that has been oft requested, so I hope I do it justice. There's some holiday spice coming in the pages ahead, so kick back, relax and let's all get

Caught in the Present

When Lily first caught sight of the Pacific Islands, two thoughts occurred to her. The first of these was that it was far warmer than the US had been, which caused her to start sweating under her hat. It had been easy enough to remove the sweat glands from her forehead, but that fudging hat was a different story. Over the last few hours, she had tried everything to remove the offensive article of clothing, but it refused to budge. She had even debated letting Tick Tock bite off the top of her head, but worried about getting bounced out of the time lock by doing so.

The second thing that occurred to her was that there should be daylight here in the islands. There wasn't. In fact, it was just as dark as it had been when they left the east coast of the U.S., and there was no rational reason for it. Curious what Santa Grim would offer as an explanation, she asked him about it.

"It's Christmas magic," he explained as they descended toward the first island. "It does what it needs to do."

"Fudging figures," she muttered as they approached their first home. Cerberus hovered in the air about ten feet over a shack on the beach. Death pulled out Santa's list and reviewed it.

"Okay then, we need presents for Mabel, Rose, and Timmy." He looked at Lily expectantly.

"Those are some very white names for Polynesia," Lily replied, not sure what he wanted from her. "You sure we've got the right stop?"

"It says here they are on vacation from Maine," he informed her. "And if you could grab their presents from the bag, that would greatly speed things up. Poor Timmy is worried Santa won't find them this year. It's a good thing we're on the case."

"Somebody kill me," she groaned, then smiled upon realizing that had gotten past the filter. "So I have to look through the bag for their gifts?"

"Just stick your arm in and think of those names," he said.

"Lots of people are named Rose," she argued, but shoved her hand in Santa's bag. A package was shoved into her hand, so she removed it.

"The process is very well automated," Death told her, holding out his arms. She handed over two gifts for Mabel, one for Rose, and then three for Timmy. Death's arms were very full as he moved towards the edge of the sleigh.

"How are you getting inside?" she asked.

"Christmas magic." He winked and stepped backward off the sleigh. The tails of his cloak fluttered out from beneath Santa's coat like the wings of a crow before he struck the roof hard and slid across its surface. Death dropped all of the presents when he spilled off the roof, landing face down in the sand. His bare bony legs kicked out as he struggled to extricate himself.

If Lily had been inclined to help, it still would have been impossible. She was laughing so hard that she had crouched down in the sleigh, clutching her stomach as tears rolled down her cheeks. It was a good minute before she could pull herself together and look back over the side.

Death had managed to free himself, his skull twisted into a scowl as he picked up the presents he had dropped. He shook sand out of his sleeves, then brushed the presents off. Somehow they had all survived, though the wrapping paper on one of Timmy's gifts was torn.

"You're supposed to be Santa Claus, not Sandy--" Lily ducked out of the way as Death hurled a stone at her. Cerberus let out a series of snorts that could have been laughter.

"This is why you got coal for Christmas," Death declared as he tried to turn the latch on the front door. It clicked open and he wandered inside.

A few minutes later, Death returned, pausing to shake some more sand out of his hat. Cerberus lowered the sleigh to allow the Reaper to get in.

"So what went wrong with the dismount?" Lily asked, hiding her grin behind the pom pom of her hat.

"I'm not sure." Death pulled out the manual again. "The house didn't have a chimney, so I just assumed...ah, okay. There's some stuff in the chapter on entering homes that I missed. Entrance is possible through any natural entry, or one that allows the flow of air, like a chimney or a window. For difficult to reach entryways, there's a safety rope."

"I didn't see a safety rope." Lily looked around her feet and was surprised to find a coiled length of rope that was white with red ribbons woven through it. "That definitely wasn't here a minute ago."

Death waved his fingers at her. "Christmas magic, my dear demon. Come, Cerberus, to the next home."

The next home was only a block away, and Death had the hellhound park the sleigh on the ground this time. The name he read was Chinese, and Lily pulled two gifts from the bag with hanzi characters written on the tags. Death delivered the presents again and came out with a cookie in each hand.

"Little Bao remembered to leave Santa cookies," he explained, then handed one to Lily.

"How kind of you." She took a bite and winced. "This is very stale."

"Indeed. The four I ate were not very good." Death held the remaining cookie up. "And don't worry, I didn't forget about you." He tossed the cookie to Tick Tock, who snatched it out of the air with a ribbon tongue.

"Should you be feeding that thing after midnight?" Lily asked.

"I am unaware of any time constraints on mimics or cookies." Death snapped the reins and they were off again.

They established a good rhythm as they delivered hundreds of presents. Lily had Death read the list between houses so she could prepare gifts in advance. Death delivered most of them by walking through the front door. Apparently the world was still frozen inside the homes as he dropped off the packages, so there was no fear of discovery.

Without any proper way to keep time, Lily had no idea how long it took. Between Death falling off of a couple more roofs and that time Cerberus crashed into an apartment complex, the deliveries flowed together in her mind like a collapsing dream.

In a way, it made sense. It was a similar trick to what she could accomplish in the Dreamscape. An hour in the real world could become years inside a dream, but the human brain would find a way to compress that information upon waking. An ordinary mind was likely to forget enough details that it may as well have been an hour.

When staying with Eulalie and Velvet last fall, she had done something similar for their father, allowing him several months with his deceased wife in the Dreamscape. While awake, he didn't even question the time distortion. Instead, his dreams were just a montage of pleasant memories, the time dilation forgotten.

At the sudden thought of Velvet, Lily scowled. Her passing had left a scar on Mike's soul. Over the summer, she and Dana had gone down to Florida to take revenge for the death of their friend, but got caught up in something much bigger.

She pushed the whole event out of her mind. It was only going to make her angry all over again.

Australia was similar to the islands, but the population clusters were thick enough that Death would often return to the sleigh just long enough for presents to the next house. Lily had noticed back in the islands that they didn't stop at every home, even if there were signs of children. Death thought that the children had been naughty, or even no longer believed, but it didn't matter. That was always a few minutes saved, and it was going to add up quickly as the eternal night progressed.

They were somewhere above Sydney when they stopped the sleigh over an opulent home covered in Christmas lights. Lily knew something was up by the way the windows on the house sparkled as if tagged with fairy lights.

Death frowned at the list, his gaze moving to the house and back again.

"What's wrong?" she asked. Not that she cared, but she didn't feel like wasting time just sitting there. As long as they were busy making deliveries, she didn't notice how long it took.

"Er, nothing." Death looked at Lily, then back at the list, then the house.

"C'mon, what's the problem? I don't want to sit here all...night." She gestured at the moon up above, which had followed them the entire trip. "If there's an issue, let's just skip this place. Kid looks like they're probably getting a ton of presents anyway, look." She pointed at a window in the front of the house. Through it, a massive tree decorated in glass ornaments had been packed to the brim with presents.

Death cleared his throat, which made an eerie sound that reminded Lily of a creaking house. "Well, technically, there isn't a problem."

"Then let's get to it. What's the name?"

"William."

Lily reached into the bag and was surprised when nothing was pressed into her hand. She reached even deeper and tried to grab the first thing she felt, but the presents slid away from her touch. "What the fudge?"

"This child requires something else from Santa," Death explained. "You see, not everyone needs a material gift."

"Okay, then what is it?"

Death turned the list to show her. William's full name was scrawled in beautiful golden calligraphy. Just off to the side were the words Personal Visit.

Lily laughed. "Oh, that is rich! He's going to be so fudging scared when he gets Jack Skellington instead of the big man himself!"

"And that, my dear friend, is the problem." Death tugged his beard away from his face, revealing a bony jaw. "He might not believe that I am only helping Santa, you see."

"No poop." Lily scowled. Maybe her vocabulary could be more extensive, but she hated that the filter chose words for her.

"If only I had the ability to alter my form, it would be no problem." Death looked at Lily.

"Yeah. That would solve the issue, wouldn't it?" She looked away, refusing to acknowledge the comment.

Several moments passed. Death picked up his thermos and poured out some more hot cocoa. Lily had seen him do this multiple times already, and knew that the thermos likely contained thousands of gallons of the stuff.

"Lily." Death paused to sip his cocoa thoughtfully. "You wouldn't happen to know somebody who can shape shift, would you?"

She ignored him. There was no way she was going to play Santa.

"Lily?" Death's tone shifted slightly, and she could hear the annoyance.

"Maybe this is something you should have considered before deciding to play Santa," she mumbled.

"Lily." The tone of his voice hardened, and all sense of jocularity had vanished. When she turned to face him, she saw that the flames in his sockets were burning purple. As she watched, the flames disappeared to reveal a field of stars inside his skull. One by one, the stars winked out as she let out a gasp of awe.

She didn't fear Death. At worst, he could ruin her evening. Yet in those eyes, she saw a version of eternity she wanted no part of.

"What's in it for me?" she asked in an attempt to deflect.

Death's hard stare softened. "I suppose I would owe you a favor," he said.

"A big one?"

He nodded, the light of the moon reflecting off of his skull. "A favor from Death isn't one to be taken lightly, no matter the size."

"And nothing tea or map related."

His upper mandible twisted into a grin. "We can't always predict the future," he told her. "But yes, your repayment shall be very large."

"Fine." She looked at the house. "So I can just go in however I want?"

Death nodded. "The front door is fine, but if the child is awake, they will hear you."

"Care to explain to me how this random kid is still walking around?" She clenched her jaw as a thick white beard sprouted from it. "I mean, if the whole world is time locked and all."

"I suppose maybe you should think of it less as everyone else being frozen and more like we are just moving really fast." He leaned back and put his feet up on the front of the sleigh. Grains of sand were stuck between his metatarsals. "We're the ones inside a time bubble. Once it pops, we'll rejoin everyone else as it were. Some exceptions will be made as others are allowed to enter the bubble with us."

"How does that make sense?" Her voice deepened as her belly expanded. She gave it a poke to ensure that it did, indeed, jiggle like jelly. "Doesn't your book explain it?"

"It does not, but it doesn't matter. I once heard that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." Death pulled a cookie from his pocket. "In theory, this makes sense, but I choose to postulate an opposing position."

"Which is?"

"That magic doesn't require us to understand it for it to work. You want an explanation, but it isn't required. Sometimes we have to accept the magic for what it is and quit bothering each other with questions about how it operates."

"That sounds an awful lot like a fancy way of saying you don't know."

Death paused, as if deep in thought. "Perhaps. I must admit, my current form has placed several limitations on my ability to comprehend things in a multi-dimensional sense. When you're an all encompassing inevitability, you don't spend much time pondering the temporal nature required for traditional logic."

"That's a lot of big words for a man who still doesn't have an answer for me."

"Then I shall return to my original answer. Because it's all part of the magic of Christmas. And since the magic was created to help Santa deliver presents, this must be part of it." He made to take a bite of the cookie, but Lily snatched it from him.

"Santa first," she declared, then bit into it. She made a face. "Ugh, gross, raisins."

"That is why I didn't offer it to you," he explained, taking the cookie back. "I didn't want the little girl who made these to feel bad, so I took them. In fact, it's almost like I'm doing you a favor by eating this."

"Don't start with me," she warned, but he chattered his teeth at her.

"One must keep their sense of humor if they are to properly harbor the Christmas spirit." He tossed the cookie into his mouth and patted his non-existent belly. "I shall keep my word, dear succubus. Do not fret."

Disgruntled, Lily hopped out of the sleigh, causing both her knees to pop, then walked to the house. There was a partially open window by the kitchen. When she approached, she felt her whole body tingle as she turned into mist and flowed through the screen and reformed in the kitchen. She sniffed the air, curious to see if it would have the usual sulfurous stench.

Satisfied that she hadn't arrived with her typical odiferous flare, she walked through the house. Santa's proportions were almost comical, yet she tried to sway her hips as usual. If nothing else, William would have one heck of a story to tell about the time he met Santa.

She was almost to the stairs when she heard the shifting of packages beneath the tree. Turning to face the emerald green monstrosity, she saw a young boy who was maybe eight years old digging through the packages.

Ugh, might as well get on with it, she thought. "Ho ho ho...William."

The boy jumped, banging his head on an ornament which fell. It clattered against the wooden floor, revealing that the ornament was made of plastic. Now that Lily was close, she could tell that the tree was decorated in cheap replicas of old style ornaments. Even the candy canes hanging from it were fake.

"Santa!" William ran across the room and wrapped his hands around Lily's waist, burying his face in her belly.

Lily froze. She couldn't recall the last time she had touched a child, much less been hugged by one. There was so much warmth in the child's embrace that she felt dirty for accepting it, and had to stop herself from stepping away.

"Now, now, young man. I'm here on a special assignment." She pushed William away and saw that he'd been crying. "Apparently someone is in need of a Christmas miracle."

William wiped the tears from his eyes. "Just knowing that you're real is enough for me."

"Eh...okay." Lily frowned, then looked at the tree. A personal appearance from Santa sounded too simple to be the reason she was here. "So, were you snooping to see what you got?"

He shook his head. "No, sir. I was seeing what everyone else got."

Lily cocked her head. "Now it shouldn't matter what everyone else got. Christmas is about giving, and all that...kind of thing."

William wiped some fake pine needles out of his hair. "That's what I'm worried about. My sisters are missing their presents from my mom. My parents got divorced a few years ago and we never see my mom. My stepmom doesn't like her, and they fight all the time. I found my present from her under the tree this morning, but wanted to make sure that my sisters got something, too."

Lily contemplated William with a frown. "Why would your mother forget to send them presents?"

"She forgot their birthday," he replied, then moved to go back under the tree. "She didn't even call. My stepmom made a huge fuss about it, but when I talked to mom later, she told me she sent presents and tried to call, but nobody answered the phone."

"Okay." Lily pondered William's words. "So...what do you want me to do?"

The boy shrugged. "I don't know. But I wrote you a letter asking if you could make sure my sisters got my mom's presents, and here you are. To be honest, I thought maybe you weren't real, but I had to try."

"Tell me more about your stepmom." Lily sat down on a nearby couch, then noticed an empty plate. "Did somebody eat my cookies?"

William shook his head. "I threw them away. My stepmom made them, but they're really gross and I didn't want to hurt your feelings." His face brightened. "I can make you a sandwich if you're hungry!"

"Nah, I'm fine." She patted her belly. "So what's the deal with your stepmom?"

William scowled at the tree. "She sucks. I can tell she doesn't like me, but it's fine. She's nice to my sisters, but it's almost too nice. She has them doing dance and piano all the time, though, so I don't get to see them much."

"Classic stepmother move." It was the only reply she could think of, but William nodded as if he understood.

"She wants them to call her mom, now." He winced. "But they already have a mom."

"What do you call her?" Lily asked.

"Janet." He made a face. "She makes me play outside so I don't get her floors dirty. Or just in my room. I don't like her much."

"Let's see if I can get to the bottom of this." With a sigh, Lily heaved her bulk forward and walked toward the stairs. "You stay here. I'll be back."

William nodded, and then she ascended the stairs. She could smell the dreams of the household, and wandered down a long hall to a master suite that was almost as large as the main floor at home. In a four poster bed, a man that looked like William slept next to a woman with porcelain skin and a sleep mask.

She could see the rise and fall of their chests, which meant that time flowed here as well. If she waited long enough, would morning come? Or would time snap back into place like a rubber band, making them live the same five minutes on repeat?