Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 086

"That is exactly correct. We call it naughty sickness, but it isn't just naughty behavior." She tugged at the nightie, which looked shorter than it used to. "Every living being up here at the North Pole is part of Santa."

"Wait, that would mean you..." He looked at the North Pole, then back at Mrs. Claus. "You're a part of him?"

She nodded. "I was born into this world as an old woman, ready to serve the whims of my husband. My sense of self is defined by how I am seen. The lingerie is annoying, but I don't mind how much younger I look these days." She patted her cheeks. "When I was first created, I was in my nineties and very wrinkly."

He agreed with her assessment, but knew to keep his thoughts to himself.

"So does that mean that the Krampus is also part of Santa?"

Mrs. Claus made a contemplative face, then stood. "Come. I want to show you something."

Curious, he rose and followed her. They walked around the perimeter of the room until they were on the other side of the pole. The walls were covered with thick shelves full of tools, and Mrs. Claus stuck her arm in a gap between a pair of columns. There was an audible click, and she grabbed onto the edge of a shelf.

"Help me," she said, then pulled. Mike grabbed the edge and helped, which caused the entire shelf to open like a giant door. Behind it was a cavern carved into the ground, and Mike summoned a pair of spiders to light the way.

"Allow me," he said, sending the spiders forward.

"That's not something I've seen before." She chuckled and took him by the hand. There was a special warmth in the way she held his fingers, and the memory of his mother reading to him surfaced yet again. Was this what a mother's love felt like? It wasn't something he knew as an adult, and he wasn't surprised by how he craved it. "Mind your step, it's been ages since anyone has come down here."

They walked together while the temperature plummeted. At some point, Mrs. Claus' lingerie thickened into a sweater dress with leggings, and finally turned into a coat. Mike was already getting cold, and hoped that they were almost at their destination.

The cave widened into a massive cavern with soot lined walls and giant stalactites. Patches of ice on the walls glistened in the soft glow of the spiders, but Mike's attention was on what he had assumed were piles of rubble on the ground.

They were bones. Massive piles, over ten feet high and scattered wide. The skull he was looking at was easily four feet tall.

"When Santa Claus was born, it sent a ripple out into the world." Mrs. Claus pulled off the scarf that had appeared on her body and wrapped it around Mike's neck. "You see, it was already difficult enough for Nicholas and the First Elf to fight off the local cryptids, but when word got around that Nicholas had died, everyone thought it was fair game. Others like you came to meet with him, thinking he had unlocked a new portion of the game."

"Had he?" Mike asked.

Mrs. Claus shrugged. "If so, he never mentioned it to me. All he's ever wanted was to bring joy on Christmas day, so that's what he became. Most of the other players decided there was nothing of value to them, so didn't pursue the issue. Some of them, though, decided that it was time to add the North Pole to their collection. Bloody wars were fought on the arctic tundra, and the elves even became warriors for a time. Santa himself became quite fierce during those battles, but a new problem surfaced."

"He's Santa." Mike broke away from Mrs. Claus to inspect one of the bone piles. "He's not meant to be a warrior."

"Correct. Each battle was changing him, and not for the better. You see, he may have become something new and vastly different, but still had a very human soul. Where the First Elf saw these incursions as an annoyance, Nicholas took them personally. A side of him emerged during these fights that was both terrible and frightening, a true demon in every sense of the word. But it wasn't until someone sent the last remaining frost giants here that he finally succumbed to his inner darkness."

Mike shivered, thinking back to his own brush with power. Some nights, he would dream about having Leeds pinned beneath his body, feeling that rush of destructive power hovering over both of them, just begging to be released.

He flexed his right hand, feeling the slight twinge in his forearm as his muscles flexed. If that magic had been capable of transforming him, what would he have become?

"So I'm guessing this is the reason the Krampus was created, then." He waved his hand out at the frozen remains. "To be the warrior that Santa couldn't be, to fight all these assholes."

"You're so close, Caretaker, yet so far. In matters of magic, even a kernel of untruth can become your undoing." Mrs. Claus moved to his side and took him by the hand. When he turned to face her, he could see shimmering tears hiding in her eyes.

"This is indeed the birthplace of the Krampus," she told him. "And when he came into this world, he was a force to be reckoned with. But he was not created by the belief of a child, nor on a whim. A very human soul still resides at the core of my dear husband, and a piece of that soul is in myself, the elves, and anything else that has been created here. The Krampus is a being made of that darkness that resides in all of us, and that darkness can only surface when a good man is pushed past his breaking point."

Mike puzzled over her words, still stuck on what she meant that he was wrong. If everyone else was just a part of Santa, then that would mean that the Krampus himself was no different from them. Yet Mrs. Claus kept making the point that he wasn't like the others, which made no sense.

Unless...

He looked at the nearby bones, and could easily make out the claw marks in them. Or maybe they were bite marks? He couldn't be sure. In fact, what he had taken for ice now appeared to be a pebbled gray flesh that clung to the bones of the dead. These things hadn't been a part of Santa, that was for sure.

"Wait." Understanding dawned on him and he turned back toward Mrs. Claus, his mouth open in shock. "He's..."

Mrs. Claus nodded. "The Krampus isn't some stray piece of Santa, created to fight his battles. Here, in this place, he emerged from within, and waged a bloody campaign almost completely by himself. Only a few of his elves survived to pass along the truth, but they were all sworn to secrecy. I share it with you now in the hopes that you can somehow do the impossible."

Mike's mouth dried out, and he imagined he looked like a fish out of water. It was hard to reconcile the truth with what he currently knew, but he was no stranger to the darkness within. Understanding how it happened didn't help with the actual problem at hand.

Santa and the Krampus were the same person, and Mike had no idea how to fix it.

❄️❄️❄️

The sleigh was flying over Vladivostok, Russia, when Lily awoke. She had fallen asleep somewhere over the ocean, and assumed they were in Vladivostok, anyway. She hadn't visited in almost a hundred years, so it looked different. However, it had been the next big destination on the list. Wiping drool from her lips, she contemplated the city below. Many of the buildings were dark, but there were still lights on in plenty of apartments.

Looking over at Death, she saw that the reaper was contemplating her with a finger on his chin.

"Not a word to anyone," she demanded, then adjusted her hat. Ever since she had started falling asleep and having dreams, she had been determined to keep it a secret. It wasn't so much that she was worried the others would think less of her. Instead, it was the fear of discovery, of everyone knowing a tiny piece of Mike's soul lived within her.

Sure, the others had a similar situation, but hers was special. She was a demon, darned to all eternity. What if they decided that she wasn't a hospitable host for it? Would they try to take it away from her? What if Naia asked her to return it? The succubus wasn't even certain if she could, but since the nymph was technically one of her masters, she would have to make the attempt.

Losing that piece of Mike would devastate her, she could admit that. She didn't begrudge him for having so many people in his life. In fact, it made her happy. He had surrounded himself with people who not only loved him for who he was, but treated each other as family. Lily had more friends right now than the rest of her centuries combined. Even though she often pushed them away, they were always ready to embrace and accept her when she returned.

With Mike central to the family, it meant he didn't always have time to spend with everyone. Lily could spend all the time she wanted with that piece of him. It meant that as long as he lived, she would never have to be alone.

"That sounds like a pretty big favor," Death replied. "Maybe I shall add it to the list. I've been doing all the deliveries for the last nine hours."

"Fudge your favors, how many do you still owe me?" The trip to William's house hadn't been the last time she had played Santa. By her current count, she had done so at over a hundred houses. Some were easy, like the little girl in China who wanted Santa to read her a book. Others had been harder, and her belly was full of more than a couple of souls as a result. Some children had problems that only a dead adult could fix, and that was a gift she would gladly deliver.

"One hundred and forty two," Death informed her. "Since you have banked so many, I believe I will count this as two favors."

"Ugh, suck my stocking." She adjusted her hat. The darned thing couldn't be removed, but was easy enough to reposition. Her hips bumped Tick Tock, still disguised as a large gift. "Maybe the toaster should start helping."

"He is too shy." Death patted the box. "And I'm worried about how many cookies I've fed him. Cerberus stopped eating them a while ago, and they are much larger than Tick Tock."

"This one could close down a buffet." She knocked on the side of the box. "You sure you don't wanna help?"

A tiny hand popped free from beneath the ribbon on top. It had three fingers, two of which folded in to leave just the middle remaining.

"Sassy little appliance." She smacked the box, then stood and yawned. "But a deal's a deal. How does the workload look for here?"

"Another day, another dollar." Santa Death held up the list. "It would appear that we have no personal visits to make, so you won't have to worry about how big your butt gets."

"Ha ha," she replied sarcastically. During one of her Santa stops, she had complained that her bottom might get stuck because of how many times she made it bigger. She often forgot how literal Death could be. "Now give me my darned cocoa."

Death held out the thermos. "I daresay that this trip would be intolerable without this delightful beverage. I may demand the recipe when we finally meet Santa."

"Yeah, about that. I'm fairly certain the big guy is dead."

Death nearly dropped the thermos. "How dare you!"

"Look, I'm not trying to be that person, but we've been out here, what? Two, maybe three weeks? If Mike and everyone else had gotten things sorted, don't you think the big guy would be here already?"

"For your information, it's been roughly three months."

"Three fudging months?" Lily stood, nearly toppling over the edge of the sleigh. It rocked back and forth, causing Cerberus to look back at them.

"I started counting the seconds once we left. In fact, I started counting once I learned how to! It's quite remarkable, really, hearing all these different numbers in my head. I hope to hear them all some day. My favorite numbers have fours in them."

She grabbed Death by the beard and pulled him close to her face. "How is three months even possible? There's no way it's..." Her brain felt like it was unraveling as she pondered the time spent in the sleigh. It was no different than the time compression in the Dreamscape, only reversed. What had felt like no more than a couple of weeks was now expanding in her mind, filling in the gaps where very little had happened.

There was also the possibility that Death was not a reliable time keeper.

"Indeed. Frankly, I am more than a little concerned." Death poured some cocoa out for Lily, then handed her a cup. "Surely Mike Radley will be worried about us. Perhaps he has already solved the problem, and has vacated the time lock so that he doesn't have to wait for us to finish."

"There's no way Romeo would do such a thing. And if he did, you bet your bottom I would call him out for not coming down here to help us." She stared at the port city below. The stars were reflected in the still water around it, the streets and rooftops blanketed in a couple of feet of snow.

"And you aren't worried in the slightest about Mike Radley? Perhaps I should suggest that he is dead, too. See how you like it."

She shook her head. The two of them had just finished a long chat in the Dreamscape, there was no way he was dead if his soul was still in there. "If he's in trouble, that's his own darned fault." Not that I could reach him if he was, she thought. "I'm starting to think this whole thing was a bad idea."

"Bringing children joy is never a bad idea." Death tugged at the reins and guided Cerberus down to the streets below. When the sleigh landed, it glided softly over the snow as they dodged cars frozen in time. "This has been quite the enjoyable experience for me."

"That makes one of us...for now." She begrudgingly added. While disgruntled, the trip had definitely contained some highlights. "Still, three months? How much farther do we have to go?"

Death pondered his scroll, then rolled it up. "It is better that you don't think about it."

"Fudge." Lily sat back and crossed her arms. "I hate this."

"Never fear. I'm sure that..." Death paused, his eyes on a nearby alleyway.

"What's wrong?" Lily stood and squinted. Her night vision may as well be day vision, but she didn't see anything. The wind had blown some snow off the ground and into the alleyway, creating a time frozen smoke screen effect, but she saw nothing of concern within it.

"Perhaps it was my imagination, but I doubt it." The sleigh coasted to a stop outside of an apartment complex. "I think it would do you good to keep a very good eye on the street while I am inside making deliveries."

"Agreed." She watched as Death stuck his hand in Santa's bag and withdrew a smaller bag that functioned like the big one. They had discovered this trick sometime after Australia, which had sped things up immensely through Japan and the east coast of China.

Cerberus snorted, sending a small jet of fire from one of their heads, then sniffed the ground. The still world suddenly felt hostile, but Lily couldn't place where or why. The silent city looked like the interior of a frozen snowglobe, the snow suspended in place all around her. A lone man was paused mid-stride as he crossed the street, his eyes fixed on the only car driving around at this hour. Death disappeared into the building, his body turning into golden fog as he squeezed beneath the front door.

A deep growling sound came from above. Lily looked up to see the Yule Cat watching them from atop the apartment complex. It let out a hiss and a growl, but kept its distance from the sleigh. Cerberus turned their attention upward, letting out a trio of growls.

"You actually found us. I'm impressed." Lily tried to flip the cat off, but her ring finger kept popping up instead of the middle. "Why don't you come down here and we'll make it a Christmas threesome, see what a pair of..." She tried to force her mouth to say the B-word, but couldn't. "You know what? Let's come to an understanding. You stay away from me, and I won't effing neuter you, okay?"

The Yule Cat disappeared from view, but Lily could see its dark shadow as it leapt across the building tops. If the cat was here, it meant that those lumpy little mother-lovers must be around as well.

"Death? Hey, Death!" She scanned the building he had wandered into, hoping to see movement. "We've got a situation out here!"

A small, dark shape shot across the street and disappeared beneath a parked car. Cerberus growled at the vehicle, then wandered over to sniff at the ground around it. The reins elongated to allow the hellhound to safely maneuver the street without dragging the sleigh.

"It might not be a bad idea to take it up for a bit," Lily mumbled, then picked up the reins and cracked them. Cerberus snorted and left the car behind as they towed the sleigh off the ground and took them into the sky. Once they were several hundred feet in the air, Lily looked away from Tick Tock.

"I need to be able to see Death," she said. There was a popping sound, and she turned around to see that the mimic was now an elaborate spotting scope that had been mounted to the side of the sleigh.

"Perfect." She put her eye to the lens and Tick Tock oriented himself so that he was pointed at the building Death had gone inside. From up here, she could see the Yule Cat shifting around, trying to hide its mass between a pair of buildings. The ugly trolls from earlier were already on the rooftop and were turning into mist to squeeze into the vents.

"Ah, fiddlesticks." They were high enough up that the cat couldn't reach them, but Death was trapped. Though they couldn't hurt him, they could detain him indefinitely. She had already spent months in this Hallmark movie from hell. She wasn't about to let them abduct the only person who would help her deliver the presents.

"Toaster, you're in charge. Cerberus? Wait for my signal." She tossed the reins over the telescope, knowing that Tick Tock would transform into something more suited for holding them. With a sigh of displeasure, she threw herself off the side of the sleigh and dove toward the roof from above. The wind rushed through her hair, snowflakes smashing against her face and blinding her as she plummeted toward the roof. At the last moment, she spread her wings wide.

The Yule Cat leapt into the air from behind the building, claws outstretched in an attempt to grab her. Still blinded by the snow, Lily grunted as she was knocked off course and slammed into the side of a nearby building. Sulfurous clouds burst from her body as she gritted her teeth, forcing herself to stay in one piece. Dangling from a fire escape by her tail, she sneered at the cat as it growled at her from above.

"Bet you're real proud of yourself, you sack of trash." She unhooked her tail as the cat pounced, dropping out of reach. Expanding her wings, she shot toward a window that had been cracked open. A man in his forties in a knit cap stood behind the glass, a cigarette in one hand and a time-frozen cloud of smoke hovering in front of his face. When she reached the window, the world distorted around her, allowing her to pass through the narrow opening as a sparkling mist.

She crashed hard, her bottom scraping against splintered floorboards as she tumbled through a hallway littered with boxes. Behind her, the Yule Cat pressed its face against the window, golden eyes staring daggers at her.

"Yeah, that's right." She flipped the cat off, then groaned when her ring finger popped up again. "Can't even express myself properly," she grumbled, climbing to her feet. At least she was in the building now.

Up above, she heard a loud yell, followed by a bang.

"That's my cue." Scrambling to her feet, she walked down the hall until she found a stairwell, then ascended. Up above, Death was shouting. She could hear the heavy footsteps of nearly a dozen attackers, followed by that crunchy language they spoke. She wondered if it was Icelandic. She had never eaten the soul of an Icelander, which was the fastest way for her to assimilate a language.