Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 086

She was near the next floor when she saw one of the trolls walk in front of her. This one was trying to run with a large wooden spoon in his mouth. Sensing movement, he turned toward Lily just as she grabbed him by the throat and tossed him down the stairwell. He cried out as he fell, letting out a groan on impact that lasted several seconds.

"Darn. Was really hoping that would kill you." Lily turned her attention back to the sounds of struggle. The stairwell was in the corner of the building, so she had to go down the hallway and turn before she could see another troll. They were gathered outside of a doorway decorated in crepe paper that had been cut into trees and snowflakes. Every few moments, one would turn into mist and slip underneath the door.

Growling, Lily ran at them, her wings collapsing into her back while horns sprouted on her forehead. She used her horns to toss aside a troll wearing a pot on his head, then snapped a kick at another. They scattered, running away from her just as the door opened and Death emerged.

"They're trying to take the bag," Death gasped, then handed it over to Lily. At least three trolls were clutching the Reaper's robes, trying to pull him down to the ground.

"I've got it." Lily took the bag, kicked a troll away from her feet, then ran back toward the stairwell. It occurred to her that the trolls probably didn't realize that this wasn't Santa's sack, but a smaller version. The trolls fighting Death let go of him and gave chase. Lily was back at the stairwell when she saw the one she had tossed over the side wheezing at the top. His eyes widened in terror as she grabbed him by the hair and sent him plummeting down the stairwell once more.

"Gotta go up," she muttered, climbing the stairs. Some of the smarter trolls turned into that eerie green mist and floated up the stairwell after her, reforming at the top of the stairs. She fought through them, then ran down the hallway. It occurred to her that she didn't have an actual plan. There was no way to deliver gifts, and if there was a way to kill the trolls, she didn't know what it was.

Movement caught her eye, and she looked out the window just as the Yule Cat swatted the window. Startled by the cat's sudden appearance, Lily tripped and slid across the floor, clutching the bag to her chest. The trolls, who had been right behind her, swarmed across her like insects, punching and biting.

"Ow, darn it!" She tried to swat one away, but the little monster bit down on her hand so hard that bones cracked. Howling in pain, she twisted her head toward the troll and caught him in the eye with one of her horns. The creature cried out and rolled away, clutching at its face. Another took its place, and Lily huddled over the bag, pain wracking her limbs as the trolls tried to rip her apart.

There was a metallic crack, and the trolls leapt away from her, hissing like snakes. They chattered in their mysterious language as Lily raised her head and saw Death standing over her, a bloodied metal bat in his hands.

"I AM HERE TO HAND OUT COAL AND BEAT SOME ASS!" He howled, his own shadow dancing wildly behind him. Off to the side, a mostly headless troll twitched, its limbs twitching like a dying bug. "AND I AM ALL OUT OF COAL!"

He swung again, and the trolls scattered, screaming in fright. The dying troll's body was already turning into a sickly green mist that sank into the floorboards.

"How come you get to say the a-word?" Lily groaned, using the wall to stand.

"Because you are just the helper," he replied, then slid his arm beneath her. He dropped the bat, which clattered to the ground. "I am quite cross with those little monsters. I didn't even get to deliver those presents."

"Where did you find the bat?" she asked.

"Behind someone's door. Most of these apartments have one, I assume that the people here are on a team."

Lily laughed, then turned her attention outside. The Yule Cat was pawing at the glass, unable to harm the building.

"The sleigh is safe for now," she said. "Let's get the rest of these delivered, and then figure out what happens next."

Between the two of them, they made quick work of the apartment complex. The trolls showed up on occasion, but stayed well back when Death menaced them with another bat he had found. Lily wondered if they had actually killed that first troll, or if it had reformed elsewhere.

Every so often, she would take a peek outside to see if she could make out the sleigh. While it would normally be impossible to see it in the sky, it was almost as though she had a sixth sense about its location. She assumed this was a result of wearing the helper hat, and was glad that she got at least some sort of trade-off for having the spice stripped from her vocabulary.

"I believe this was the last one," Death said shortly after squeezing out of a keyhole. Sparkling lights hovered around him, then faded from view as he contemplated his list. "Yes, correct, we are all done. Now we just have to get back to the sled."

"Roof or ground?" she asked, looking outside. "If we go roof, we'll probably have to deal with that stupid cat sneaking up on us from between buildings. Stupid fudger is quick. If we choose ground, it's the trolls and the cat, but we'll have more room to get away."

"Hmm. I do wish I had a better sense of things like these." Death walked over to the nearest window and stared out into the city. "I suppose Cerberus could handle Jólakötturinn, and we can handle the trolls as long as we're quick about it. Would probably make more sense if we make a run for it and have Cerberus descend to pick us up. There is an open area a couple of blocks from here that would be perfect for it. That will keep the Yule Cat from pouncing on us from between buildings, and at least you will be able to fly up and take the reins."

"Sounds like a plan, bone man."

They moved down through the building. Lily only saw a single troll as they descended. It was waiting on the stairs, then let out a chirping sound like a strangled bird before squeezing its fat booty through the gap beneath a window. It became clear that this one had been the lookout, which meant the others were planning something.

"Hold up." Lily moved toward the window and looked outside. "I think they're preparing an ambush."

"Hmm." Death pulled the magic bag from where he had tucked it underneath his belt, then stuck his arm inside. When he pulled it out, he was clutching a Louisville Slugger with a cartoon sticker of the Reaper himself on the fat end.

"Why don't you pull out a sword or something?"

"My dear Lily, this bag is for children's toys only. A sword is hardly a toy." He shook his head and moved behind her. "This way, I don't have to steal one from someone who lives here. There will already be questions about missing equipment at their next game."

"You are too pure." Lily patted Death on the cheek, then moved toward a nearby window that was on a different side of the building from where the troll had exited. "I say we squeeze through here and fall. If you can handle the landing, they won't expect us to come out of the side of the building. They're likely watching the front and back."

"This is a good plan. Nothing will go wrong." Death put his bony fingers on Lily's shoulder. "You are a good helper."

"You've jinxed us." She shook her head and moved toward the window. Just how smart were these troll things? Would they expect this? Or could she just launch herself into the sky and get back to the sleigh while Death made a run for it?

"Ho ho ho," she declared, then leapt through the half-inch opening, her body shrinking down.

Once on the other side of the glass, she unfolded her wings and drifted away from the building. She only made it about fifty feet before a barrage of snowballs from below blinded her and knocked her off course. Only seconds after takeoff, she crashed into the side of another building and tumbled into an alleyway, hitting a dumpster on the way down.

"FUDGE ME IN THE BEEHIVE, OWIE!" She rubbed at her bum and stumbled out into the street. "Death, where are--"

Lily went silent, her eyes on the once abandoned street. It took her a moment to process the sea of faces with angry, coal-black eyes that regarded her. They were packed in the streets, hundreds of them with wicked stick arms and vegetable noses.

Snowmen. Hundreds of them. The lower third of their bodies rotated as they approached, cruelty in their smiles.

"Lily!" She heard Death's voice from behind the newcomers. "They aren't very friendly!"

"Hit them in the snowballs!" she shouted, then charged forward, a halo of fire forming over her head. She would be darned if she let Frosty and his inbred family stop her here.

The snowmen pounced, their tree-branch hands surprisingly strong. Lily growled as her flesh was torn, but the snowmen were much softer than the trolls had been. She could easily dismember them, her tail capable of beheading one with a carefully aimed strike.

"Lily, run!" Death's voice carried a tone of panic. "And whatever you do, don't--"

His sudden silence worried her, so she leapt into the sky toward where she heard him last. The snowmen pulled chunks of their own body and hurled them at her, but she folded her wings across her body and plunged back to earth like a missile and scattered them.

"They're just snowmen," she hollered at the Grim Reaper. "All you have to do is bust them up." To illustrate her point, she smashed a few apart. It was during this moment that she looked up and saw the Yule Cat monitoring from a nearby roof.

"Afraid of a little snow?" She ripped a snowman's head off and threw it up. The twenty pound missile had already started crumbling the moment it left her hand, and she watched it fall around her like fine glitter. "Death, where are you?"

There was the loud crunching of snow and a large tree-limb hand grabbed onto the side of a nearby building. Lily slid to a halt as a twenty-foot snowman came around the corner with a pair of bony legs hanging from its lower belly. It had clearly run Death over, trapping him in the snow of its own body.

Opening its mouth wide, the snowman lunged forward, arms outstretched. Lily backed away, unsure how she was supposed to fight such a thing. The creature was made of snow, but so big that she couldn't properly hurt it. In fact, she suspected that it may even be built from snowmen that had already been torn apart.

Turning to flee, she opened her wings and leapt into the air. A snowball nearly three feet in diameter slammed into her, causing her to crash hard onto the street. Fighting her way free of the icy prison, she rolled onto her back and coiled her tail up in front of her. A group of snowmen formed a circle around her, trapping her in place.

"FUDGE YOU!" She whipped her tail around, smashing them apart, but they kept coming. Up above, the large snowman leaned down and grabbed her with a massive hand. She uselessly struggled to escape as it lifted her towards a frosty maw with icicle teeth.

"I'm gonna give you so much heartburn," she muttered. Her head was inside its mouth when she heard a zap, followed by a popping sound. The snowman tilted over, the arm holding Lily raising up. She was surprised to see that a large portion of the snowman's head was now missing, and the street was covered in fresh slush. The snowman turned to reveal a massive creature made of lightning and fog prancing along the street and goring snowmen with its antlers.

It was a reindeer, or at least looked like one. The snowmen tried to capture it, but it easily smashed through them. It turned to face the giant snowman and snorted, then lowered its head to charge.

The reindeer blasted forward, creating a massive hole in the snowman. It collapsed in on itself, dropping Lily onto the street. She landed face first on the street, her jaw breaking.

"Wha thu flem?" She reformed the bones in her jaw and stood. The reindeer zipped around the road, exploding more of the snowmen. Nearby, Death's hand waved at her from inside a large mound of snow.

The snowmen were busy fighting with the reindeer, so she climbed onto the pile and grabbed Death's hand and pulled. The reaper emerged, his eye sockets packed with snow.

"Lily, I have gone blind!" He clawed at his skull but she swatted his hands away. Using her fingers, she scooped out the snow until those tiny blue flames reappeared in the dark recesses beneath.

"You're fine," she told him, then knelt down to retrieve Santa's smaller sack from the snow. It was pinned beneath the slush, but it slid free. "We need to go."

"I agree." He took the lead and she followed. They were moving away from the reindeer, who now had the full attention of every snowman in the area.

The Yule Cat dropped down from above, nearly flattening Death with a massive paw. It hissed at them, baring its teeth.

"Mother of Santa," Lily muttered as the cat came for them. They split up, the Yule Cat going after her. She could smell the cat's breath as it washed over her, heavily scented with rotten fish. A claw caught the back of her leg, tearing open her thigh as she was dragged to the ground. Growling, the cat pinned her down and rolled her onto her back.

"Why is everyone trying to eat me today?" she bemoaned, then tried to stab the cat in the eye with her tail. The Yule Cat dodged, swatting her hard enough that she saw stars. Knocked silly, she felt the ground tremble beneath her before a giant figure appeared, smashing its knuckles into the cat's face.

Suddenly free, Lily stumbled to her feet and blinked her eyes. It was a giant woman in festive garb with a crown of laurels on her head, and she had the Yule Cat in a head lock.

"Get back to the sleigh," cried the giant. "Dancer and I will find you!"

Lily didn't need to be told twice. She unfolded her wings and ran along the street, spotting Death on top of a car. He was kicking at the trolls who had trapped him there.

Putting on a burst of speed, she leapt into the air and stuck out her hand. Death saw her and reached up, grabbing her by the wrist. The Reaper was surprisingly light as they ascended, leaving the fight below.

From above, the sleigh dropped out of the clouds. Tick Tock was in the form of an elaborate present, his metallic arms adorned with ribbons while holding the reins. Lily and Death crashed into the sleigh as it rose back into the sky, leaving Vladivostok behind. Once Lily was able to look over the side, she saw that the snowman army stretched for over a mile in each direction from where they had been. The reindeer was running for the city limits, followed by several hundred of them. The giant woman and the Yule Cat were still fighting, but it was hard to tell who was winning.

"What in the name of Christmas just happened?" Lily blinked in surprise, then turned to Death for answers.

"I am uncertain," he told her, then leaned back in his seat. "But you have made one thing abundantly clear to me this night."

"What's that?"

"I couldn't have asked for a better helper." Death took the reins from Tick Tock. "Let us await our new friends over the water. Neither giant cats nor snowmen shall find us there."

Lily looked back one last time at Vladivostok. It occurred to her that there were still hundreds of presents to deliver, but until they addressed their new snowmen problem, they wouldn't be able to do it.

"Wait." Lily felt around her waist, then looked at Death. "Did...did you get the spare bag?" The last time she remembered having it was right before the Yule Cat had tried to eat her.

"Alas, I do not." Death shook his head sadly. "I am afraid those gifts are lost."

More miserable than ever, Lily pulled the hot cocoa thermos free of its holder and attempted to drown her sorrows with it.

❄️❄️❄️

Wow, what a trip! We have new stuff about the Great Game, Yuki has warm fuzzies for Mike, and Jack just learned why it's a shit idea to talk to people inside of mirrors!

(Seriously, talking reflections are always bad)

Speaking of the baseball teams in Russia, I'd like to thank you all for being part of my team. I see some of you are regular readers, and recognize more than a few names when I (eventually) scan through comments. Thanks for being in my corner and supporting this crazy idea I have about being a writer. It means the world to me that I can put words out into the universe, and someone actually reads and enjoys them.

I've had more than a few people write me lately to say that they want to start writing their own stories. Usually they ask for some advice, and I want to just share the biggest, most important thing you can do:

Actually Write Your Story.

Don't just talk about it, think it over and debate it. Put those words down on paper and let them breathe. We all have different journeys as storytellers, but the one we all have in common is you have to tell the story first, even if it's in pieces. You'll never learn how to swim if you refuse to get wet, right?

Thanks for reading, I hope this story finds you well. Now go do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

~Annabelle Hawthorne