Home Run Ch. 01

"Ever. I don't know. I guess I've never had the time." Jun hears Yuma laugh beside him. He lets his eyes fall idly back to the paused episode of Seinfeld. Jun doesn't seem to know what's so funny about it.

Jun is too busy thinking back to his old English teacher. He felt sick to his stomach then. At least he imagines he did. It's a blur for Jun. The way she seemed annoyed with him for his lack of arousal sticks in his head, smeared on the walls of his skull like a stain. "Maybe I'm broken."

Yuma's laughter dies out fast. "Broken?"

Jun nods without a word.

"Why would you be broken?"

Jun stays quiet for a little while. He stares blankly at Jerry's face on the screen. "One of my teachers held me for detention. She touched me down there. I never got- you know." Sex is hard to talk about under normal circumstances. It's socially unacceptable to call any private part by name. "Hard."

Meanwhile, Yuma bites back the urge to call him 'Shiro-Chan'. He instead opts to drop the honorific, leaning into the sense of closeness. "Jun, that doesn't make you broken. That makes her a pervert."

"I should've felt something."

"Uncomfortable, yes." Katsu walks the thin line between keeping things lighthearted and keeping things sympathetic. He looks at the dead expression on Jun's face and pulls him closer. It's a hug of sorts. He doesn't expect Jun to hug back. This is his way of reminding him he's there. "You're not broken."

Katsu's thoughts trail back to himself. How he was when he was in the closet. Attraction to women was something he sought to imitate at a very young age. He brushes that thought off, puffing out his chest and dorkily pointing to himself, "If not coping a boner when a girl touches you makes you broken, I'm broken too."

Jun scrunches his nose, "What?"

"I'm not into women." Yuma and his big, dumb mouth. Great job, idiot.

"Oh." Yuma sees it in Jun's eyes as it clicks all at once. Katsu is gay and therefore not attracted to women. So it's possible to not be aroused by a woman without being broken. The sky is different from air, and thus capable of having a color. These are conceptual hurdles. Understanding one is a prerequisite to understanding the other. It's possible to grasp this and still not know what color the sky is. After all, the sky isn't always blue, sometimes it's black, other times it's orange.

"Do me a favor and keep that bit to yourself, okay?" Yuma's face is tinted red.

Jun nods awkwardly in a silent but nervous understanding. He checks the time on his phone. Looking up to his friend apologetically, he attempts a bow. "It's close to curfew."

"It was nice to see you again." Yuma watches him crawl out of the capsule backwards.

Shiro cracks a smile at him on his way out. "I missed you too. Goodnight Katsu-San"

"Bye" is all Yuma manages to say before Shiro politely closes the door behind himself. He can't help but smile dumbly at the formal goodnight and the bow. It's awfully rude of Jun to come back into his life and act so cute.

He slouches, letting himself slide down the wall until he lays flat on his mattress. The wall holds onto his shirt on the way down, somewhat gathering it up at his armpits. He lifts his laptop, setting it aside before fixing his shirt. With a puffy-cheeked exhale, he does his best to distance himself from his friend. It's a habit now, whenever he feels a crush coming on, particularly for a close friend or straight man, to push it away. Makes it easier on him emotionally when the fantasy inevitably doesn't play out the way he wants it to. Happy endings are a Hollywood myth.

Yuma stares at the ceiling, ignoring the tent in his jeans. He's not going to jerk off to his childhood best friend. That would be weird. Okay, not really, but it would make the next time he sees Jun more difficult. Instead, he closes his eyes tight, conjuring the image of- fuck he's out of ideas. Yuma takes a moment. He's narrowed it down to his ex-boyfriend or Keanu Reeves.

He unzips his pants with stiff hands, whipping it out. Yuma touches a thumb to the uncircumcised slit, teasing the nerves that live there. The thought of his thumb being replaced by Shiro's tongue intrudes on his mind and sends shivers through his body. He can't fight it. At the moment, Katsu doesn't want to. It feels so nice to indulge in what he sees as a selfish fantasy. Imagine with a tongue piercing too. Jun doesn't have one, but it would look so good and press against the slit just right.

He strokes himself to the thought, gripping hard. His stomach ties up in knots like a hagfish without all the slime. The tension and discomfort builds, until finally, it snaps like a hot white rubber band. The orgasm that follows is weak, but it's relief enough. Yuma rolls over onto his side and zips back up. He tries not to think of his friend in this way. He really tries. His jagged toothed smile is haunting. He pulls the pillow out from under his head, hugging it tight. Having something to hold lessens the itch.

The desire to have someone to hold only strengthens as the cold outside seeps into his unit. The small size can only do so much to trap heat in a poorly insulated unit inside of a building with a drafty front door. He can always tell when it snows outside because he loses feeling in his toes. Tonight is one of those nights. He sleeps it off regardless.

CHAPTER TWO:

Snow covers the city in a thin layer the next morning. The Shiro household stays warm, getting the best of antique design recreated with modern science and materials. Nothing is actively falling from the sky by the time Jun rolls out of bed.

The sky is a dreary gray on the way to class. He arrives to class early. It's just him and Mr. Goldburg.

"Good morning Shiro-San," the teacher says in English. The student only waves in response. Jun blinks, a deer in the headlights. He understood that just now. Mr. Goldburg's accent is exactly the same as the one present in Seinfeld. Maybe Yuma isn't a complete slack off. Huh.

The test comes around and the auditory comprehension section doesn't feel like a sick joke for once. Usually it's a guessing game. He still struggles to hear the difference between 'L' and 'R', but he's at least coming close. He thinks he's doing better. It's too early to say for sure.

Even if his grades don't see an improvement, the confidence makes the whole test taking experience pleasant. Okay, not pleasant. Pleasant isn't the right word. The word Jun seeks is 'normal'. His stressed iron grip on the pencil and persistent lip chewing during English tests are not the default experience of most students. It's just Jun who's a train wreck of a human being.

Naturally, he keeps going back to Yuma. It becomes routine to meet him twice a week on the baseball field. Even as his schedule gets cramped with piano lessons, chess club and homework, he keeps going back. It gives him something to look forward to. He catches up on other homework until Yuma finishes batting against the machine. Jun helps him put the balls back. They joke around and they're back in Yuma's coffin home watching whatever American sitcom Yuma throws on.

It's nice. Yuma is always a blast to be around. Almost always. It's hard to tell with the endless barrage of stupid jokes, but Yuma- Jun can't quite put his finger on why, but his friend can be grating at times. Some days, the jokes are more self deprecating than others. Some days Jun sits next to him, eyes glued to the screen, having a wonderful time joking around and then the conversation comes to a long pause. The cheery spark in his friend's eyes burns out. Yuma breaks the silence by saying, "You can watch Seinfeld on your own, you know. You don't need me."

"I could." It rubs Jun the wrong way. He can't tell if it's a joke. "I like watching it with you."

"Oh, I see how it is." Yuma responds in an obviously facetious manner, "So this is an excuse to hang out with my good looks and cool personality." He waggles his eyebrows, leaning over Jun as if the man can't already tell the punchline is the mere idea that someone would want to be with him romantically. Jun, in particular, doesn't have an interest in making this romantic. The comedy in Yuma's words still fails. Even if Jun himself isn't interested, the shortie thinks it's impossible that absolutely no man could ever be interested.

"Absolutely."

"Wait really?" Katsu looks at Jun with both eyebrows raised. The spark in his eyes returns to make Jun smile. Yuma rubs the back of his neck. "I was just joking around."

"My parents don't let me out much. I need all the excuses I can get."

"Oh" Yuma bites his lip. A moment passes, his blonde bangs fall into his face. "Aren't you too old to be asking permission?"

"Your parents don't make you ask?" Jun raises an eyebrow, confused.

"Oh, they make me ask alright. I've been asking to come back inside the house for two years." Yuma delivers this like a joke. It's painfully unfunny. Jun honestly regrets asking. "I had to sneak in through the window just to get my Billy Joel collection from my old bedroom. I managed to grab a few CDs before mom chased me out with a broom."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

"I mean, I'm sorry for asking. I don't mean to remind you of that."

"It's whatever. Don't worry about it."

"No, no, it's really not my place to bring it up." Jun puts his hands up, waving them defensively.

"Bring what up?"

"I-"

"What's going on in my life? Seriously, it's fine. Speak your mind and say what you mean. I'm tired of dancing around really basic facts about my existence." The venom in Katsu's words fades out. Jun doesn't know what his face looks like. He can only guess it makes Yuma feel bad. Yuma furrows his brows and sighs. "I didn't mean to snap at you."

Jun doesn't know what to say to that. Words don't do him any justice. He awkwardly sticks his hand behind his friend's back and wraps the other around his front. Jun hugs Yuma, pats his back like his dad does. He feels Yuma's hands hovering over his body, contemplating if it's okay. He tries to hug him a little tighter, hinting that he can join. The strong baseball arms wrap around Jun, gently pulling him into Yuma's lap.

Jun expects him to hug back. That's the entire point. Yuma pulling him into his lap, however, is his first sign that Yuma might like him, that he picks up on. Like him in a way that's not friendly. The dreaded all powerful like-like. Jun has his suspicions, yet does nothing to point them out. Instead, he tucks that thought away and ignores the looming feeling of danger that comes with it. He feels like it's rude to assume Yuma has ulterior motives just because he's gay, but logic has no bearing on the way his stomach churns.

The hug is cut short by the reminder alarm on his phone going off. Jun apologizes "I'm sorry. Curfew."

Yuma nods in understanding. He lets Jun go. "Do you want me to walk you home?"

"No, I've taken too much of your time already."

"You haven't taken enough of it. Are you sure you know the way?"

"I'm very sure, Katsu-Kun."

"What if I go for a walk and it just so happens to be next to you the whole time?" Yuma bats his eyelashes. "Would that be weird?"

"A little." Jun feels warm.

"Too weird?"

"I don't think my dad would like you."

"Why's that?"

"He's very uh..." Jun struggles to find a pleasant word for it. This is the man who doesn't like Mika because she texts Jun late at night and wears skirts, he complains are 'too short'. If he thinks Mika, a perfectly average teenager, is a ditzy, promiscuous, bad influence, Jun can't imagine Yuma's dyed blonde hair and distaste for formality would earn anything but blatant disapproval "... traditional."

Even mom wouldn't take Yuma well, and she's the one that likes Mika. She quietly encourages him to go after her romantically. Yuma is wonderful, but he's not one to play by the rules. The more his parents know about his friends, the less time he gets to spend with them.

He heads out the door into the cold with his phone pressed against his face. "Moshi-Moshi."

"Where are you?" His dad sounds impatient on the other end.

"I was just calling to let you know I'm on my way home from Katsu-San's. I didn't expect the snow to slow me down so much."

"Is it too cold? I can pick you up."

"No-no, it's fine, just icy. I'll be home in ten minutes, maybe?" This is the trouble with being an only child. His parents don't have any spares and nothing better to do than smother Jun at every given opportunity.

When he arrives home, both of his parents are there to greet him. His father's salt and pepper hair is tied back in a low ponytail. A subtle sign that he's done work for the day. "How did you do on that test?"

Jun shrugs. They always ask as if he'd know his grade the second he turns the test in. The constant pressure is to be early, always hounding him about turning in college applications a full month before the application window even opens. "Grades don't come in until tomorrow. I feel like I did better."

"You feel like you did better?" Jun gets the impression that his answer isn't good enough.

"Uh- I didn't have to guess as much."

"You've been guessing on tests? Junichi." His name carries the weight of disappointment on his father's lips.

"Better than leaving it blank."

"If you're guessing what in the world are you spending so much time with Katsu-San?"

"Katsu-San?" His mother eavesdrops. "That's a name I haven't heard in a while. Isn't she younger than you?"

Jun totally forgets Yuma has a sister. She's four years younger than her brother or something like that. Jun knows of her but doesn't talk to her. He changes the honorifics to specify the gender. "Uh, Katsu-Kun, not Katsu-Chan."

"Oh. He does speak English, doesn't he." His mother looks conflicted. Jun does not know why.

"Fluently."

"I spoke with his mother just the other day. She says he's nothing but trouble."

"He is?" Jun plays dumb.

"She doesn't trust him around other boys." Something about his mother's words sticks out to Jun. He's not forceful about his sexuality, right? The thought feels so alien to Jun.

"And why's that?" Jun's father asks.

"She wouldn't say. I think he picks fights, he seems pretty rowdy. You're not sparring with him, are you?"

"That would be ridiculous. All we do is study." Jun knows it's ridiculous. There's a lot of reasons not to trust men with other men. Or maybe Yuma's mother is just unreasonable.

Jun doesn't know why this bugs him. It shouldn't. He can't unhear it and the implications it holds. The mere thought of Yuma pressuring him like Mrs. Cassidy makes him sick. He feels just awful for even letting his brain go there.

Days later, he's sitting next to Yuma in his freezing metal box of an apartment. The entire time he's hyper aware of every move, and every breath Yuma makes. He can hardly keep up with what's going on in Seinfeld. As the room gets colder, Yuma sits himself closer, putting an arm over Jun's shoulder and a blanket around the two of them.

Jun's face burns. He bites his lip, looking up at Yuma. His friend's eyes are glued to the screen. It's as if Yuma doesn't know what he's doing. Jun's heart beats loud in his chest. He swallows. "Katsu-Kun..."

"Hm?" Yuma glances over at Jun. The blonde's cheeks flush a little. "You uh, doing okay?"

"Do you like me?" Jun has his suspicions. He's not sure why it matters even as he asks. It doesn't have to matter. It's curiosity and a peace of mind.

Yuma doesn't answer right away. His eyes travel around as if looking for an answer. "I think you're pretty alright."

"Like, Like-like?"

Yuma's face goes red. He almost looks angry? Jun is struggling to read the man "Why do you ask?"

"You, uh..." Jun motions to the arm over his shoulders. "I can't tell if you're flirting."

"I noticed."

"Are you trying to..." is there a nice way to ask if someone is taking advantage? No. There isn't. So Jun doesn't ask.

"No?" Katsu raises an eyebrow before rolling his eyes. "Is it gay to be friendly?"

"I- I guess not." Jun crosses his arms, gripping each bicep for comfort.

"I'm a little offended you even- do I seem predatory to you?" Yuma scoffs in disbelief.

"No, no- I'm sorry." He can feel his heart beat in his chest. "I'm just- I know it doesn't make sense."

"What doesn't?"

"I didn't catch on to Cassidy-Sensei until..." He can't even say it. She barely touched him and he acts like this. He kicks himself mentally. He pulls his legs to his chest, looking blankly at the sheets in front of him. "I'm sorry."

"Oh." Yuma pulls his arm off of Jun, giving him some space. He looks away. Yuma's goofy expression goes cold. "I think I know what you mean."

"It's not you. I swear."

"I get it." Shiro doesn't buy that for one minute.

"No, Yuma please." He desperately doesn't want to offend Katsu. Nor does he want any hand in making the man's self-esteem issue any worse.

"If it's not my fault, then what is it?"

"I didn't notice it until it happened. Now I see it everywhere. I suspect the worst of everyone because I'm terrified of going through that again." Jun pleads.

"What if I do like you?" Katsu chews his lip. He reaches for a bottle of water taking a long sip. It's just water, but he holds the bottle the same way Jun's father holds a beer when he's annoyed. Two fingers wrapped firmly around the top, the rest of the container left to dangle freely. "What then? Does that make me a pervert too?"

"There's nothing wrong with liking people."

Yuma wipes his mouth on his sleeve. Again, just water. "Thanks."

"We're still friends, right?"

"Of course." Yuma looks back over to Jun, his brows knit together. "Why wouldn't we be?"

"You seem... hurt."

"I'm used to it." That hurts to hear. It hurts to see too. The more Jun knows about Yuma's life, the sadder it gets. Jun can't quite tell when the facade is up, but he can always tell when it's down. Brief glimpses of insecurity slipping through his foolish demeanor.

"Is it hard?" Jun asks, "The whole gay thing. Am I saying that right?"

"Eh. Close enough." Yuma winces. He fiddles with the bottle cap in his hands. "It's complicated. Attraction to guys is easy. It feels right. I had that figured out when I was thirteen. It's the rest of society that makes this hard. Having to hide, be something I'm not, all that stuff. Things I wouldn't have to do if I were American."

Here Katsu goes again. Rambling on about America. A country he's never been to. It's so strange to see a clearly Japanese man idolize an entire country as this exotic utopia. It's the kind of strange people laugh at.

"That's what's cool about America. It's not so rigid. You can be who you are, do what you want, speak your mind, say what you mean... It's the American dream."

"You can do that here, can't you?" Jun tilts his head.

"Not without consequences. Can you?"

The question catches Shiro off guard. It sounds so silly. Of course, he can do what he wants. There's nothing stopping him from... He's never thought about it before. There's an understanding that Junichi Shiro will take Noriaki Shiro's place as president of Shiro Construction when his father retires. This makes thinking about the future somewhat irrelevant for Jun. Sure, he has quiet daydreams about becoming the chess grandmaster, or being a J-Pop idol but, he knows neither is terribly realistic. "Yes. Obviously."

"Obviously." Yuma echoes with an amused huff. "Shiro-Kun, you still have to ask your parents to use the bathroom."

"I do not." Jun doesn't like how whiney that sounds coming out of his mouth. He crosses his arms. Yuma's laughter is suddenly a lot less charming.

"What was that about needing an excuse to hang out with me?" Yuma prods at Jun's cheek with a playful finger.

"I'd be able to if my dad weren't-"