Hoping for Satisfactory

She plopped down and started violently crying. I went to comfort her, but she pushed me away. "Don't touch me, asshole!"

I went into the kitchen to get her a bottle of water and a box of tissues, then carefully placed them on the table next to her. She calmed down, used the tissues, and took a drink.

"Tiff, your tryst last night was a hell-of-a wake-up call. Is that what it was, or did you do it to get even?"

"Come on, Alex. Wake up. There's no getting even. How many years were you screwing around?"

"You can probably guess. About 12, I think. How long have you known?"

"A few months. You can be proud that you got away with it for a long time."

"I'm anything but proud. I'm so ashamed I wish I could crawl in a hole."

"Yeah, and I wish I could dig the hole for you." She wasn't smiling, and for some reason she took her phone out and sent a quick text to someone. "When I first found out, I was incredibly hurt. The more time passed, the madder I got, until I came to the point where I just wanted you gone. You asked if I still love you. Frankly, I don't think I do. I'm not sure who you are."

"So you decided to screw Tony to get back at me, or was that to force my hand."

"Maybe both."

"How long have you and Tony been at it?"

"It's not like it seemed."

"Come on, that's out of the cheater's handbook of responses."

"Think what you like, but it wasn't like it seemed."

"What do you mean?"

"Before she could answer, someone knocked on the front door.

"I'll get it," she shouted.

A woman I thought looked familiar hugged Tiff, but then her companion came in behind her.

I jumped up and shouted, "What's that asshole doing here?"

Tiff intercepted me and pushed me back. "Sit down and shut up, Alex."

"But..."

"SIT!"

"But he's..."

"Yes. And he's ten years younger than you, bigger, stronger, and his hobby is MMA. Sit down, 'cause I would just as soon have him beat the shit outta you."

Figuring she was right, I took a seat when Asshole decided to speak.

"I won't try to shake your hand since I doubt you're in a friendly mood, but it's good to see you again, Alex."

"Yeah. Right. You gonna smirk at me again to rub it in a little more?"

Tiff slapped my face. "Shut up, and let me introduce you. Tony, you've met. You've also met his wife, Justine, but you may not remember her. She teaches science at my school, and she's one of my closest friends."

"Wife, huh? So you're okay with these two getting it on?"

"Damn it, Alex," I've never heard Tiff swear so much. "Do you not understand what shut up means?"

Justine spoke up to calm things. "Tiff, the poor guy is having a really bad day. Let me tell him what's going on. Alex, what you thought you saw last night was not real."

"Oh, come on! I saw..." Tiff slapped me again!

"Shut up! Go ahead, Justine."

"Anyway, Tiff told me when she discovered your secret. My heart really went out to her because she was clearly destroyed and could barely function. I couldn't believe there was anyone low enough to hurt a treasure like her the way you did. She cut you off from bedroom activities and did everything she could to make you see something was wrong without coming out and saying it. Evidently, you're as obtuse and dimwitted as you are callous and heartless, because you didn't notice."

I was getting uncomfortable with the level of disrespect this stranger was heaping on me. "Geez, why don't you speak your mind?"

"If you want my real thoughts, I'd like to see you castrated, then drawn and quartered for what you did to the woman you're supposed to love."

"Look, I already feel lower than snail shit, okay? Just say what you came to say."

"Fine. She had hoped you'd notice, confess, and maybe get things mended. When you didn't catch on, we came up with a plan. She's do what she had to do to look like she had the hottest sex ever, and wait for you in her bed. Tony, who was in the kitchen the whole time while I helped Tiff get ready, would come out the front door as soon as you got home, and then we'd let your imagination fill in blanks."

"So, wait...You two didn't have sex?"

Tiff pointed to Tony to answer. "No. We've never been intimate and I would never cheat on my wife. We never even hugged. You were too stunned to notice that Justine was in my car waiting for me."

"But, the cum? And the mess? And it was clear you had something in you."

"Twenty minutes with my rabbit, some lube, and a little water for extra wetness. What you thought was cum was actually moisturizer."

"So you staged it all. Damn!" I got up and paced a little. "I'd think it was a great joke if it didn't just about kill me. Why not just confront me?"

The piercing eyes and bright red complexion returned. "Why? Because you needed to feel it. You needed to experience some of the pain I suffered through for two fricken months. You had it for less than 24 hours and went ape-shit. How's it feel, asshole? How do you think I've been feeling?"

Justine had to drive in a few more nails. "I wish you'd gone after Tony. He and I both really hate cheaters, and he wanted to break you into pieces. In fact, he offered that anytime Tiff needed him. We're leaving now, but you damned well better be careful, asshole."

I couldn't return their gaze. In shame, I turned my back to them and looked at the floor while Tiff thanked them for their help and showed them out.

"All right, Alex. Now what?"

"Will you give me a chance? I know I've messed up bigtime, but I really do love you. I...I just can't imagine my life without you."

"A chance? I'm not sure how much of a chance there is, but I'll try with some conditions. I've had two documents prepared. A 55/45 divorce in my favor, and a post-nup. The post-nup splits everything 55/45 if there is no further adultery. Either of us strays, it goes to 80/20. Sign the divorce, then we're done. Pick the post-nup, and we'll try."

"Okay. I'll read them, but that sounds fair enough."

"That's not all. Your bedroom for the foreseeable future is the guest room. Sex is off the table until I'm ready. Plus, you need to be clear of STDs. Get tested now, 'cause it can take about six months to be cleared from HIV."

"Anything else?"

"You spoke about fighting for me and winning me. You're back in the batter's box, but with two strikes against you because I'm not sure how I feel about you right now. The spark is definitely gone. Don't kid yourself. This won't be easy."

"I understand and I'll do whatever it takes. What now?"

"Frankly, I'm sick of looking at you. I'll order pizza for delivery, and I'm gonna hang in the family room downstairs. You can start by cleaning up the garage and the mess you made in here, then leave me alone."

"Okay. I understand. Could I...? Never mind."

"Could you what?"

"I was gonna ask for a hug."

"Not today. I'm not feelin' it."

"Can I take you to dinner tomorrow night?"

"For now, our dates will be here. I'm not ready to go out in public, okay?"

Justine was right. Tiff was a real treasure and I've screwed up. I had to fix this. She was giving me a chance and if I messed it up I'd never forgive myself.

I found it weird that I loved her even more when I was so close to losing her. The song was right: You don't know what you got till it's gone. I was gonna do everything I could to show her that I loved her more than ever. We were off to an icy start, though. I hoped things warmed up quickly.

*****

I needed to make our first at-home-date as special as I could. I told Tiff I'd take care of everything, and ordered delivery from our favorite French restaurant. I set the table, lit candles, put on some soft classical music, and dressed in my best suit.

I went to her bedroom assuming she was getting ready, but she wasn't there. Looking for her, I heard the TV down in the family room. I went down stairs and saw her sprawled out on the couch wearing an old shirt and those damn jeans with holes everywhere. A wave of depression hit me since it appeared I was the only one taking this seriously, but I tried to hide my disappointment.

"Hey, Babe. Dinner's ready."

"I'll be up when this show is over."

"But it's gonna get cold. Can you save the show and watch the ending later?"

"Give me five damn minutes and I'll be there!"

Feeling verbally spanked, I retreated back up the stairs and felt like either banging my head against the wall, or bursting into tears and going out to get drunk. Instead, I managed to keep myself together and quietly sat in my chair at the table while my guts churned. I wondered if she was testing me, or if she really didn't give a crap. I didn't like either answer.

After about 15 minutes, she finally made her appearance. She marched right to her chair without looking at the table, the candles, or making any comment about the music or how I dressed up. I went to tend her chair but she sat before I could help. I had hoped the setting would change her mood. It didn't.

"Turn the lights up. I wanna see what you're feeding me."

I did as she asked, then retrieved the serving dishes that were in the oven keeping warm.

"Clearly you didn't make this. Where's it from?"

"Pierre's. I know you..."

"I guess I'm supposed to be impressed?"

"Come on, Tiff. Give me a break. I'm getting frostbite, here."

"What? One day later and you think I should be all warm and squishy, and fall into your arms because you can dress up and get food delivered? You really think it's gonna be that easy?"

The urge to take all the food and throw it in the sink was almost overwhelming. I thought the battle to fix our marriage was gonna be us against our circumstances. Tiff was making it a battle between our individual wills. I fought the impulse to explode before I calmly responded.

"Babe, I know it's not gonna be easy. Please, work with me here. I just wanted a calm evening where we could talk about rebuilding our marriage."

"First, stop calling me 'Babe' like I'm that pig in that stupid movie. Second, you have no idea how raw I am. You want a calm evening? Fine, but I'm not ready to talk about deep crap. If you're not good with that, I'll take my plate and eat downstairs. Otherwise, sit there and shut up. When I want to talk, I'll say so."

"I've always called you Babe."

"And, I've always hated it."

What else could I do? I quietly ate my dinner while Tiff shoveled in her food as fast as she could. Then, without a word, she retreated back to the family room leaving me to clean up while tears of frustration and loss poured down my face.

*****

It took three weeks before we could hold a civil conversation. Finally, Tiff agreed we could go out for dinner. She didn't want some romantic upscale restaurant, so she suggested Texas Roadhouse.

The drive there was quiet, and as we were seated I hoped she was in more of a mood to talk since I had some news for her. I thought I'd try to open the lines of communication with light conversation.

"They're not too busy tonight."

"Yeah."

"Ba... I'm sorry. I almost called you that little pig name you hate. What name do you prefer?"

She actually smiled a little. "Well, you can use Tiff or Tiffany."

"No. You know what I mean. A name of endearment like, Sweetie, or Honey."

"No pet names for now."

"Okay. Well, Tiff, thank you for being willing to... you know."

"I don't want that to be the only thing we talk about. As it is, I'm tired of it monopolizing my thoughts."

"Okay. I get it. I do have some things I need to ask you about, though, and they're kinda related."

The silence was back as we looked at the menus. I missed the Tiff I knew. Geez, I never heard her curse until that awful night. Before, she was consistently sweet and polite. Her eyes always sparkled and she could warm my heart just by looking at me with her smile. Her mood had thawed a little, but she was far from the loving and patient woman I've loved since we were kids.

She sat back and sighed. "What do you want to ask?"

"I was gonna ask how work is going, and..."

"It's fine. Same as always. Skip the small crap and ask what you really need to ask."

"Oh. Okay. Well, my company's local distributor has been after me for a while to join his team, and he made me a job offer. I wanted to see what you thought."

"Why would you leave your position? It's what you've always wanted and they pay you damn well."

"Lots of reasons. I found that wanting something you think is amazing is very different from the disappointment that comes from having it. I hate my job, and I hate how I let it pull me away from you and the kids. Working for the distributor means no overnight travel, and fewer hours. I still get to work with the products I enjoy without the corporate bull crap."

"So, why are you asking me? Do it, if you think that's what you want."

"I'm asking because the pay isn't as good, and you should have input. It's about 15% below my current salary, but we should still be in a great position for our typical budget and retirement."

"Why are you really thinking about this? Do you think by not traveling that I'd assume you aren't cheating?" Her eyebrows curled into a stern look and I could feel the venom in her voice.

"I've been thinking about this for a long time, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I don't want to be anywhere near temptation again. Tiff, I love you. I want us to be okay again. I'd rather cut my Johnson off than hurt you anymore."

She actually smiled. "Well, you do that and I'm definitely outta here."

The conversation flowed better after that, but it still wasn't easy.

*****

Weeks passed, and we seemed to be getting closer to each other. Two months after the eventful night, we kissed. It wasn't hot and heavy, but it was a start.

I started choosing a lot of different date activities with the hopes they'd bring back good memories. Between dancing, bowling, tennis, card nights with friends, and walks in the park, I felt we were on friendlier terms and making progress. Sex was still not offered, but I didn't push. We still slept in separate beds.

Five months after the night of terror, as I started to call it in my mind, we enjoyed several evenings of heavy kissing and even light petting. I knew the spark was not the same as when we were young, but I was hopeful.

A few weeks later, I got the call I was anxiously awaiting. Dr. Hughes said I was totally clear of STDs, including HIV. In my mind, I thought that was what Tiff was waiting for before we would share the same bed. I drove home with butterflies in my stomach and hoped for the best.

Opening the front door, the smell of one of my favorite dishes greeted me.

"Tiff, I'm home!"

"Dinner is on. Wash up and come to the table."

Her voice sounded funny. I hoped she was up to talking some more after I gave her the test results and, maybe, snuggling after dinner. Perhaps it would lead us to the Promised Land.

I sat at the table with hopes riding high. She was smiling, but something made me uneasy. I took a bite of my Thai Curry Chicken, and decided to forge ahead.

"Doc Hughes called today and said everything is clear on the tests."

"Yeah, I know. For peace of mind, I got tested at the same time."

"Oh, great. Are you okay? You look worried about something."

She put her fork on her plate, sat back, and sighed. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Alex. I... I just can't do it. I really tried, but I just don't feel the same way about you. There's no spark at all, and it's like I'm trying to force myself to feel something that isn't there."

For what seemed the hundredth time in the past six months, I was completely shattered by her words. There was no anger, but a deep, unescapable sorrow.

"You feel nothing for me anymore?"

"I can't say that, but it's not enough. I've come to the point where I've forgiven you, but the most I feel is about the same as a friendship. Two months ago I thought I was making progress, but then I noticed my attitude towards you was very different, and it was going downhill."

"What do you mean? I don't get it. I mean, I'm still in love with you--more than ever. What can I do? Other than the big thing, have I done something else wrong?"

She stood, turned around, and leaned on the kitchen island with her back to me. "I've thought a lot about that. My feelings changed a decade ago when you started changing. I guess I was in some kind of transition for self-preservation. When I found out you were cheating before the night where... well, you know, I noticed little things about you that never bothered me before suddenly irritated the hell outta me."

"Wh... what little things?"

"Well, calling me Babe, for one. The way you're always running your tongue over your teeth. The constant drumming of your fingers on the table or the arms of chairs. Picking at your ears."

"All right, I'm not perfect. But I don't get what you mean."

She spun around to face me with tears in her eyes. "Don't you see? Before all this crap, I saw all those things through the filter of my love for you. They were part of you, and I even found them endearing. That filter is gone, Alex, and I don't think I'm gonna get it back. I'm sorry, but we need to part ways for both our sakes."

We were silent for several minutes. I stood to pace while I processed what she said. It took a few moments before reality hit me like a sledgehammer. She was right. We were spinning our wheels.

I didn't want to let my tears fall, so with my back to her and with a tight, dry throat, I summoned the courage to give her my response. "I understand, and I guess you're right. Some mistakes have terrible consequences, and this is all on me. I'll never stop loving you, Tiff. But, I love you enough to let you go. You deserve to find happiness. If you still have that divorce paperwork, I'll sign it."

"We can change it to 50/50."

"No. Leave it as it is. For now, I'm gonna go up to my room and start to plan what to do now."

"I'm really sorry, Alex."

"I know. Thank you for giving me a chance."

*****

Epilogue

The divorce went through easily. We sold the big house since neither one of us needed it. Tiff bought a nice townhouse that was only a few blocks from the school. I bought a downtown condo a few miles from my office.

We still talked fairly often. It felt strange, but we became closer friends than we'd been in years. I asked several times if there was any chance for us getting back together, but she was clear that wasn't going to happen.

Two years after the divorce, Tiff married the physical education teacher at her school, Mike Hassik. His wife passed away a while back, and I had to admit that I really liked him. He would treat Tiff well.

For several years I occasionally dated, but never got serious with anyone. Then one day at the pool in our condo complex, I met Gail. She was about my age, and suffered through a divorce from her cheating husband.

Gail and I became good friends. I wanted to tell her everything about my past, but I was terrified. But I knew I had to be forthcoming, and we eventually shared our experiences with broken marriages. I think it helped us both to see the hurt from all sides. As our friendship grew, I asked if she was concerned since I was the cheater in my marriage. She said she realized that wasn't me anymore, and she happened to like who I had become. After that our romance blossomed. We both knew that we were nothing like soulmates, but we had a very comfortable relationship. There was love, but nowhere near what I had with Tiff.

After a year of being together, Gail moved in with me. Neither of us cared about getting married, but we were happy companions.

I'd often sit on the patio of our condo, and reflect on my life. I knew for sure that if I had kept my priorities straight, I'd be filled with joy and preparing for retirement years with the love of my life. Yet, I was content. Gail and I filled each other's needs, and I was comfortable with her. But, unlike so many people, I am not one who will go to my grave with no regrets. I screwed up perfection, and learned to live with satisfactory.