Hoping for Satisfactory

Hoping for Satisfactory

Sometimes, our hell-on-earth is of our own making. I wish I had known that mine was going to get exponentially worse.

*****

Driving home from work that night is something I'll never forget.

The dark side of my mind was racing with all the crap that was fueling my sour attitude. My boss was a total ass. I fought for years to reach my goals only to find that, once I was there, it was nothing more than gold-plated torture. Then there was my middle-aged body. I still looked half-decent, but I couldn't fool myself. The 40 extra pounds, receding hairline, aches, pains and everything else that went along with approaching 50 consumed my thoughts and continuously reminded me of the inevitable end we all face.

Home life didn't do much to get me out of my funk. The girls had grown and moved out leaving my wife and me in a dreary empty nest. And my wife? Tiff was as beautiful as ever, but something was missing. She felt more like a roommate with occasional benefits, but the gap between occasions was growing. Fact is, I couldn't remember the last time we made love.

My depression was in full gear when I turned onto my street and quickly noticed a strange car parked in front of my house. Cynical humor made me chuckle at the thought that the car was probably Tiff's lover, thus completing a miserable day. But I knew her, and she wouldn't cheat on me.

I pulled into my driveway just as the front door opened. "Shit, who's that guy?" Wearing a huge smile, some big guy came out and was heading towards my car. I got out not knowing what to expect.

"Hey, you must be Alex," he said as he approached to shake hands.

"Yeah. And, you are?"

"Tony. Tony Gaines. I know your wife from work."

"Oh." Not a clever response, but my head was about to explode.

"Tiff needed help with a project, and it looks like we finished just in time."

"Project? What project?"

"She can elaborate. I'm late meeting my wife and need to run. Nice meeting you, Alex."

I swear the smile now looked more like a smirk.

I was a man on a mission when I went through the front door. She wasn't in the kitchen or living room. I went to the home office and she wasn't there either. I was heading for the basement family room when I thought I heard music. I stopped in my tracks to try and determine where it was coming from. My blood ran cold when I realized it was coming from the bedrooms upstairs.

I ran up the carpeted steps two at a time. My heart raced and breathing became labored. I pushed open the double doors to the master suite, and saw the end of my life as I knew it.

In a state of bliss with her eyes closed, Tiff was naked in our bed on her back with her legs spread apart. The fingers from her right hand played through the white goo on her mons, and the bed below her pussy was soaked. The shock struck me speechless.

Tiff slowly opened her eyes and looked at me. She was smiling! What the hell? There was no panic, no attempt to cover up, no explanations, no excuses...

"Oh, hi Alex. You're home a little early," she calmly said as she continued her finger play.

"Tiff," I shouted. "What the hell?"

"What's it look like, Babe?"

Why is she so damn calm? If I asked her what was for dinner she would have answered with more emotion.

"It looks like you've just been cheating on me with that guy, Tony."

"Oh, you met him? He's a nice guy, isn't he?"

"So, you're having a fling with Mr. Nice Guy?"

She slowly sat up and stretched. "Is that what you think, Babe?" She got up and walked towards the bathroom. She was completely cool, calm, and collected while my gut was in knots. I wanted that jerk standing in front of me so I could smash that smirk off of his face.

"Damn, Tiff! When did you turn into a slut? What's going on?"

"Now, no need for shouting and name-calling."

Heart racing, I was stunned at how blatant she was at the infidelity. "You gotta be kidding! You greet me like...well, this and expect me to be calm? What the hell are you thinking? Do you want a divorce or something?"

"I don't know. Do you?"

"Maybe. Have you lost your damned mind? Where are you going? Get the hell back here so we can talk."

"No, not yet. You're totally ruining my mood. Go have a few drinks with your buddies and we can talk later. Right now, I'm going to wash off and soak in the tub so I can relax and bask in the afterglow."

With that, she shut the bathroom door and locked it. My fists were clenched and my body shook with anger as I stood there for several minutes. The temptation was overwhelming to break down the door and confront her, but I feared what I might do if I lost control.

I slowly left the room and sat on the top step to gather myself. My mind replayed what I just witnessed, and then I thought of how things had been in recent months. What was different? What did I miss? Why would she do this? Most puzzling, though, was wondering how she could be so dispassionate about getting caught.

Tears silently streamed down my cheeks. "Damn it! Man up, pussy," I said, scolding myself.

Then, I heard her softly sobbing through the closed door, and I was more confused than ever. Her cold behavior on the outside clearly was trying to mask some other emotions under the surface.

I decided to take her suggestion. I needed a drink and time to think about this mess.

*****

My usual bar of choice, Mac's, was always crowded after work on Fridays. I wanted someplace quiet and didn't particularly want to run into anyone I knew, so I went to the Holiday Inn knowing it wouldn't have many guests. As I had hoped, the small bar was deserted. The cute girl behind the bar fetched my bottle of Miller Lite and, not wanting conversation, I retreated to a small table and sat in an overstuffed armchair with my back to her.

I struggled to clear my head and get control of my emotions. Concentrating on one subject always helped me, and I decided to reflect on my relationship with Tiff. Where the hell did things go wrong?

She was the only girl I ever loved since the 8^th grade. I was amazed that the prettiest girl I ever met agreed to be my date at a Church social. I loved her long red hair, dazzling hazel eyes, and the cutest damn freckles the world has ever seen. In my heart, I knew she was out of my league. Thankfully, she didn't see it that way.

We dated all through high school, went to college together, and were married the year after graduation. Neither of us had been intimate with anyone else.

Tiff landed a position teaching high school math, and I latched on with Ontego Industries in their marketing department.

Hanna was born in our third year of marriage, and she was always daddy's girl. Casey came along two years later and looked just like her mother. She was close to me, too, but always clung to Tiff.

We had occasional struggles, but overcame them all. I was madly in love with Tiff, and she seemed to feel the same about me. We were an active family and enjoyed our time together. We could talk about...

A lightbulb went off in my head. We talked about everything back when the kids were young, but I couldn't remember the last time we sat and just talked. What the hell happened?

I struggled to piece the puzzle together. What changed?

"Another beer, sir?"

I nearly jumped at the sudden voice. "Oh!"

"Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Can I get you another?"

"Yeah, please."

"You okay, sir? You look like you're having a bad day."

"The worst. I'm trying to wrap my head around it."

"Well, I'm Cyndi, and I'm a great listener."

"Cyndi, that's sweet of you, but you've given me a great idea. I need to talk to a friend who knows me."

Cyndi left to fetch my drink while I called my best friend.

"Hey, Alex. How's it hanging?"

"Hey, Pete. I'm...well, things aren't good and I need a friend right now."

"Where are you, man?"

"Holiday Inn bar."

"Be there in ten."

Cyndi placed a fresh bottle in front of me. "Good. You have someone to talk to. I'll leave you two alone and you can call me over if you need a woman's input."

"Thanks. That may come in handy."

"So, woman problems?"

"Yeah. My wife." The moment I said it, a few tears fell. Without hesitation, Cyndi bent over and hugged me.

"I can see you love her. Your friend will get you through."

I was getting uncomfortable and afraid she was going to stay, but she graciously went back behind the bar.

The discomfort was from more than just Cyndi's show of compassion. The answer to what happened was coming into focus. Pure and simple, it was me and my job. Actually, to be more honest, it was me and my values. My thoughts when I was driving home earlier confirmed that I've spent too much time seeking the wrong things, and it appears my marriage and my happiness were the cost.

But however many hours I worked and the toll work took on my life, it didn't come close to excusing this betrayal.

"Alex!"

I stood to greet my friend when it all hit me. My throat tightened and my mouth wouldn't work. All the tears I kept in check now flowed freely. I could see the concern in Pete's face as he embraced me. I felt Cyndi's hand on my shoulder as she placed a box of tissues on the table.

"Oh, man. I'm guessing this has something to do with Tiff?"

I still couldn't talk and just nodded as we sat in opposing chairs.

"Take your time. Take some swigs while I get myself one."

I heard Pete and Cyndi talking quietly before Pete returned to the table. A few moments later, I was able to give Pete the whole story. Pete listened without saying much, but I could hear Cyndi in the background quietly calling my wife all of the unkind names I had in mind.

"So, that's when I ended up here, and calling you. I...I feel completely lost. I don't know what I'm gonna do."

"Do you still love her?"

"Hell, yeah. I wouldn't be sitting here crying in my beer if I didn't."

"Do you think she still loves you?"

"That's a hard question to answer." I stood to pace a bit and clear my head. "It's certainly one question I have for her, but if I had to guess, I'd say no. You should have seen her, Pete. It was if she didn't care one way or the other what my reaction would be. Shit, if she was upset, or even mad, I'd think there's a chance she still loved me. Everything about her reactions screamed that she was indifferent about me. I've always been told that indifference is the opposite of love, and it was like a knife twisting in my gut. If there was one word I'd use, it would be disdain. She just didn't care."

"Are you thinking divorce?"

"I should, for sure. But I don't know. I'm guessing that's probably what she wants. Either way, I can't overlook how she smashed our vows in my face like that."

Pete looked at me with a weird expression. "Really? You're gonna go there?"

"I thought you'd be on my side, man."

"Side? What side? I see two people I care about coming to a major fork in the road. Don't 'fork' it up, man. She had to have a reason, and I'm damn sure you own some of the blame."

I was pissed, but I had to admit he was right. "I already figured that out, but her blatant disrespect is hard to overlook."

"This had to be building up over time. I mean, it just doesn't sound like Tiff."

"I was just thinking about how we've been really distant the last few months. I was out of town about half the time, but even when I was home things felt wrong. I'm pretty sure that the priority I put on work was the foundation for all this shit. I don't know if we can recover. It may be best just to move on, especially since I can't get the image of her on that bed out of my mind."

"It sounds like you need to go home and talk to her. But you gotta do something, dude--be honest."

"Yeah, I know."

Pete grabbed my arm and looked me in the eye. "I mean it. Completely honest."

*****

Tiff was in bed by the time I got home. I debated between sleeping on the couch or in the guest room, and chose the couch.

After a fitful night, I awoke at around 6:00 AM with sore muscles and cramps and realized the couch was the wrong choice. After a long walk, I returned an hour later to make coffee. I both hoped and dreaded that Tiff would be awake and ready to talk, but she always slept in until 9:00 AM on Saturday so I wasn't surprised that I didn't hear her stirring until a little after 9.

Butterflies churned harder and harder in my stomach over the 47 minutes that I waited for her. Finally, I heard her coming down the stairs.

"Good morning, Tiff."

"Oh...hi." Same calm, disinterested voice as the night before.

"There's coffee if you want me to fix you a cup so we can talk."

"Um...I'm catching breakfast with a friend and running some errands. We can talk when I get back."

I tried to stay calm, but a rather loud question made it past my tongue before my brain stopped me. "You're going out?"

"No need to shout, Alex. I should be back mid-afternoon."

"Are you kidding? I mean... damn! Doesn't our relationship mean anything to you?"

"Don't be dramatic. I'll see you later."

"Who's the friend? Your boy toy?"

"Think what you want. I'll be back later."

And... she was gone.

What the hell! I was more than pissed off. I was in a full, blinding, terrifying rage. I started throwing pillows around the living room knocking things off tables, but that wasn't enough. I went down to the family room and paced like a madman while shouting at the top of my lungs. Anger was still growing. I needed to hit something or someone.

I slammed open the door between the family room and the garage and started looking for something to destroy, and there it was: an old chest of drawers Tiff wanted to refinish. I grabbed an aluminum baseball bat and smashed it over and over again until there was nothing but bits of wood and splinters scattered around.

Exhausted, I collapsed on the greasy floor and cried out in anger and pain before starting to sob. I was just as wrecked and shattered as that innocent chest of drawers. She ruined me, and I didn't know what to do.

*****

The musty garage odor and the smell of gasoline brought me out of my stupor. I laid there for almost an hour wallowing in pain and self-pity. Completely defeated, I trudged back into the house and decided to get a shower before the showdown that was to come. I briefly considered cleaning up the mess I made, but the thought of her seeing the results of my anger gave me a twinge of delight.

Showered and dressed, I was in my living room chair by 1:00 in the afternoon. I let my mind wander as I alternated between staring at the black TV screen and closing my eyes. Finally, a little after 3:00 I heard the garage door open. I counted the seconds until she walked in.

She closed the door, glared at me, and without any emotion said, "It looks like you owe me a chest of drawers. Rather juvenile, wouldn't you say?"

"Are you finally ready to talk?"

She plopped into the chair across from me. A few quiet moments passed before she broke the silence. "You wanted to talk, so talk."

I felt betrayed by a single tear. I didn't want to appear weak. I figured I better keep it simple.

"Why?"

"Be more specific. Why what?"

"Are you fricken kidding? Why did I come home last night to that scene in the bedroom?"

"Shout again, and we can put this off for a few more days."

Calmly, I asked, "Why did you do it?"

"Why not?"

"Damn it, Tiff. Give me some straight answers. Why did you do it? What... Is he bigger or better than me or something?"

"Bigger? I don't know. I never measured. Better? I don't think it's something worth grading."

"Come on, Tiff," I begged. "Talk to me. What are you trying to do? I assume you want a divorce, 'cause that's the normal result when a spouse cheats."

"Is that what you want, Alex?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"So file."

"Tiff, I'm trying to fight for us."

The pounding in my head made the next few, silent moments feel deafening. The big question on my mind fought to be asked, but my fear resisted. I reluctantly gave in to the urge.

"Don't you still love me?"

"Do you?"

My face felt like it was on fire as I jumped up in anger. "Why do you keep answering with another question? Do I still love you? Yes. Absolutely. Now answer me directly. Do you love me?"

She got up and started to pace before answering, "I don't know."

My heart sank to my knees. My worst fear was confirmed. Before I could respond, she continued.

"I care for you, Alex, but you've made the last 10 or 15 years hard to bear. Our lives used to revolve around each other and the girls, and I thought we had the perfect marriage. Once the girls hit their pre-teens, you started to change. The warmth was leaving you. If I looked into your eyes, you looked away. Even the girls wondered what happened to you, but if the subject was ever raised you just brushed it off by blaming how busy you were at work. Now, with the girls gone, it's even worse. You say you love me, but I don't believe it. You never tell me anymore, but even worse you never show me. So answer honestly, do you still love me?"

"Tiff, you are my world and I love you with all my heart. You are all I've ever wanted."

"Really? Are you sure about that? For being all you've ever wanted, I sure feel neglected."

It was my turn to pace. Pete's words echoed in my ears and I knew he was right. It was time.

"Tiff, since last night I've done a lot of thinking and reflecting. It's funny in a strange way, but on my way home I was consumed with how absolutely miserable I was with my life. Then I walked in and saw you on the bed and it all came crashing down. Pete and a helpful bartender helped me realize some things, and understand how wrong I was on so many levels."

"How were you wrong?"

"Think about it. I hate my job and the company, but for decades I put all my energy towards getting to where I am. I thought sitting on the high seat was all that was important, but it was costing too much. Not only wasn't I happy, but I jeopardized my family life. I thought about that and came to the conclusion that I treated what was important in my life more like milestones than treasures."

"Milestones?"

"Yeah. Think of it like baseball. Getting my education was first base. Once I had it, I no longer had to work for it. Happy marriage and family were second base, career was third, and eventually retirement is home plate. The mistake was that they are not equal in value, and cannot be treated the same. Our marriage, our family should be treasured and nurtured. That takes work. Instead, I acted like It was in the bag and then it was time to get to the next milestone."

"Okay. I see your point and I'm glad you've had this major revelation. Now what?"

"I need to work for your forgiveness for all that. I'm hoping it's no too late, but I'm not finished."

"What do you mean?"

I thought I was dry, but a few tears trickled down my face. I forced myself to look into her eyes.

"Tiff, I'm begging you to forgive me for much worse. Stay with me, here, because I can't begin to describe how ashamed I am. You see, I... well, I haven't been faithful in recent years. When I traveled I occasionally hooked up with random women if the opportunity presented itself. After the first time, I almost broke down and confessed. But I realized I got away with it and it became easier. After a while, I justified it as a perk for being away so much and working so hard for my family. I was dead wrong, and I don't know how to fix things. Now, after last night, I feel like a total hypocrite."

I looked at her for any reaction. She just stared at the floor. I could see tears dripping from her face and my heart broke even more.

"I knew, Alex."

"What? Oh, my...! Why didn't you say something?"

Her face turned crimson as she stood and pierced me with an anger I'd never seen in her. "Because I was heartbroken, you asshole! I knew we were growing apart and couldn't fix it, and then I found out you've been cheating for years while I tried to hold things together. Damn you! Who the hell are you? The boy I grew up with and the man I married would never dishonor and disrespect me that way. Is that what you call love? Is that how you show that... how did you put it... that I'm all you ever wanted?"