tagHumor & SatireHorticultural Sex

Horticultural Sex


Wilma stared is dismay at what her lawn had come too. Yellowish patches echoed the vileness of her gardening life. Dandelions scattered through her soul. And yet the 2-4-D rested unused in a cupboard in the garage. The lawn became a symbol of her insipid agricultural life, which seemed to wilt and die for lack of attention.

Even the shortest of short shorts and skimpiest of skimpy tank tops could not bring life to either her or her lawn. She knew the men in the neighborhood stood hidden in the darkness behind their picture windows and stroked themselves as she mowed her meager crop and jerked at the button weed, chuckling to themselves at her lack of gardening prowess.

The harder she worked, the more the evil crab grass grew displacing the valued bluegrass and fescue. Tansy Ragwort happily pollinated and choked her roses, while noxious Morning Glory blossomed and strangled the very life out of her Rhododendrons.

Day after day Wilma toiled in her garden. She pulled weeds only to have them instantly sprout and grow stronger than ever. She mowed her dying lawn only to watch it further wither as the sun scorched the exposed root system. The dandelions continued to thrive in spite of her every effort to eradicate them.

Nightly she lay awake imagining her conquest of the Ragwort and Puncture Vine that flourished on her property. In her mind she dreamed of blossoming rhody's, fields of swaying buttercups and acres of lush green expanses of manicured lawn.

Then one day Eduardo came into her life. At first, she looked upon him as just a foreigner, a wetback, a taco bender, dare it say it, a beaner. But then he showed her his rake. Lust filled Wilma's very being. She reached out and stroked the long, smooth shaft of the handle. Her lips brushed the tines tenderly. Her tongue lashed out to taste the day-old grass clippings that clung there. The taste was like ambrosia that warmed her soul.

"Senorita! What the hell you think you doing. Thas my rake," Eduardo crooned softly.

"Oh God, Eduardo. Rake my flower beds," Wilma pleaded. "Show me your manhood."

"Oh, okay. But it cost you ten dollar an hour. Okay?"

" God, Eduardo. Rake me, baby. Rake me like you've never raked before," Wilma screamed, swooning.

Presently, the sweat beaded on Eduardo's brow as he raked. His muscles bulged with the exertion. His hot breath came in gasps. But Wilma's attention was on the rake tines as the violated the virginity of her soil.

"Oh yes. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Wilma screamed. Her body trembled with anticipation as weeds flew as if by magic from Eduardo's rake. "I'm so close... so close.... NOW! Rake harder, Eduardo. HARDERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" The orgasmic pulsations overcame Wilma as the bare earth was exposed around the roses. Deep screams of ecstasy issued from Wilma as Eduardo's powerful hands gripped the Tansy Ragwort and ripped it from the dirt. "Oh my God. Oh my Gooooood," screamed Wilma as Eduardo's mighty shovel penetrated deep into her virgin compost pile. "Oh God. It feels sooooooo gooooooood.... Don't stop, Eduardo. God. Don't stop, baby. I'm cummmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinggggggggg!"

Then Eduardo finally relaxed, sweat pouring from his face and powerful shoulders. Turning, he surveyed the flower beds now clear of weeks. He could see dismal flowers that survived the summer's long struggle against the naturally superior forces of weeds. Not many but a few. Here there was a shriveled Bleeding Heart here. There a Black Eyed Susan. Not much, but a start, he thought to himself.

Wilma staggered back inside the house exhausted. Her body shook from the ecstatic exchange. Her head was dizzy from the event. Her breath came in short gasps. Slowly she collapsed on her couch.

"Lady, I go nursery. I get some flowers. Cost maybe fifty dollars. Okay?" asked Eduardo from the doorway.

"Yes. Go, Eduardo. But hurry back. Please, hurry back," she pleaded. "I need you so bad." As Eduardo's 1957 Ford pickup truck with the strake sideboards rumbled down the street headed for the nursery, Wilma slipped off into sleep.

Eduardo returned an hour later to find Wilma sitting at the kitchen table. "Come in, Eduardo. Come to me, baby," she said beckoning to him.

He stepped into the kitchen. "I got some Daisies, Petunias and Pansies an a couple of bushes. I go plant them, okay?"

"Oh yes, Eduardo. It's time to plant something deep, baby," Wilma cooed. Together they walked out into the yard. Eduardo had already unloaded several flats of flowers. He selected a spade and a hoe from his truck and began digging in the flowerbed.

Wilma watched as Eduardo placed the spade against the softness of her soil then shoved it in all the way. Her nipples were suddenly rock hard and shown as marbles as they poked against the material of her tank top. Her hand slid down to the growing wetness between her thighs. Then her fingers lightly touched her tongue, as she tasted her sex.

"Oh yes. Right there. Right there. Dig faster, Eduardo. Faster. Dig it deep, baby," pleaded Wilma.

Eduardo eyed, Wilma strangely. "Crazy fucking Americano, " he whispered under his breath.

"Oh yesssssss... talk dirty to me, Eduardo. Talk REAL dirty to me," Wilma gasped as the spade penetrated again and again, deeper and deeper with each shovelful.

"Can you han me my hoe?" Eduardo asked.

Picking up the hoe, Wilma stroked the well-worn, smooth handle greedily. "Oh, God, Eduardo. Use the hoe. God I want the hoe."

Eduardo raised one eyebrow. "This woman is fucking nuts," he whispered to himself.

"Oh yes, Eduardo. Hoe and nuts. I want them both. Give it to me, Baby. Give it to me now," came her husky plea.

Rolling his eyes, Eduardo began working the soil with his hoe, first breaking the clods left by the spade then, using the hoe, worked her deep furrows. Plants were set in the furrows while Wilma screamed, "Oh, Yeeeeeee... Plant it baby. Plant it deeeeeeeeeeeeep."

Eduardo walked back to his pickup truck mumbling something to himself about the "Fucking crazy woman" and picked up a garden rake. The few words understandable were "Loco", "Puta" and "Jesus Christos". The rest was indistinguishable. After he returned, he covered over the roots of the plant with soil and gently tamped the soil with his boot.

"Oh, God. I love it when you rake, Eduardo. Rake it harder, Baby. Make me cuuuummm. And use our boot. God I love the booooooot." Eduardo tried his best to ignore the insane rantings that came from Wilma.

In the garage Eduardo found the rotary lawn mower Wilma had used in her efforts to mow. He filled the gas tank from a can on his truck. He removed the spark plug and cleaned it. Then he took the handle attached to the starter cord and pulled. The engine sputtered and coughed. He pulled again.

Wilma's head fell backwards; her eyes closed in ecstasy as Eduardo seductively stroked her mower. A deep-throated moan issued from her lips as the starting cord stroked in and out under Eduardo's strong hand.

"Next we spread fertilizer, Senorita," he whispered in her ear. Wilma's panties were soaked at the thought of the lush green growth that would spring forth from Eduardo's ministrations.

"Take my lawn!" she screamed again and again as Eduardo stroked the mower into vibrating life, leading Wilma to that final plateau of orgasmic, gardening ecstasy that few have reached without the professional guidance of a master landscaper such as him.

Around the yard Eduardo went with the mower while Wilma screamed, "Mow it baby. I'm getting so close. Mow it. Don't stop. Oh My God. I'm Cuuuuuuuuuummmmminggggggggg." Wilma collapsed on the grass just as the engine sputtered to a halt. Eduardo removed the bag and dumped the clippings in the compost pile.

"Senorita? You want we fertilize you grass?" Eduardo asked professionally.

"Oh yes. But let me rest first. That was so wonderful, Eduardo. You were so good."

Eduardo sauntered off to his pickup and returned with a bag of "Scott's Weed & Feed Plus" and a fertilizer spreader. "You tell me when, Senorita. I wait. Okay?"

"I love you, Eduardo. I have never been known the gardening passion the way you have shown me. My life is complete now. But promise me you'll never leave me, Eduardo."

"No. I no go away. I do your lawn. Ten bucks an hour. Okay?" Then, "If you no want me to fertilize now. I go trim bushes." Eduardo returned to his truck and picked out a pair of pruning loppers.

Wilma's eyes got very large. "God, Eduardo. I didn't know you were so big. Those are really impressive. I'm not sure I can handle anything that big."

"Eduardo looked puzzled then shrugged and began snipping twigs and small branches around the garden. He hummed a song as the loppers went "Snip", "Snip".

From the patio, Wilma watched him prune. The muscles bulged and rippled as he worked. The sweat stained the back of his t-shirt. Wilma's eyes were glued to the snipping blades as they did their work. Rhododendrons and Camellias once raggedy became flowing works of art as he worked. Wilma's fingers pinched her rock hard nipples at the sight of her emerging garden.

Unable to stand it any longer, Wilma went into the house to get a drink. The cool water refreshed and reinvigorated her. The flow of water down her throat was so like that of a male orgasm that would flood her mouth with gallons of sticky, life-giving fluid.

Once more out in the garden, Wilma saw Eduardo filling a wheelbarrow with compost from the bottom of the pile. The pungent smell of the rotting compost wafted through the garden like that of sex. Again she felt the uncomfortable twinge between her legs. A feeling that would grow stronger still as Eduardo spread the compost among the flowers and roses, then raked mixed it with the hot, loose soil. Wilma bit her lip to stifle her moans. Finally she could no long stand it and scream, "Yesssssss, Eduardo. Mulch me, baby. I need it. I need it noooooowww."

Eduardo, turned and looked at Wilma, shook his head. Mumbling, "Loco puta," he said turning back to his work in spite of the continuing screams and moans.

Throughout the afternoon, Wilma did her best to control the growing needs of her body. But when Eduardo brought out the edger and began trimming the grass along the walks and flowerbeds it was too much. "Oh, My God! Edge my lawn, baby. Move it faster Yes, there. There. Right thereeeeeeee. Oh, God don't stop. Almost there," she wheezed through her clenched teeth. Then just as the last blade of grass flew under the string of the edger, Wilma screamed, "Oh YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS," and collapsed into a patio chair, her hair disheveled, panting and dripping with sweat.

"All done, Senorita," Eduardo said, holding out his hand. "Six hours. You owe me Sixty Dollars."

Wilma dug in her pocket book for the money feeling like she was paying a male prostitute for a job well done. "Here, Eduardo. Sixty dollars and a twenty dollar tip." Wiping the sweat from her forehead, she said sweetly, "And of course, I'll need you tomorrow too. God I need you so much, Eduardo."

Eduardo thought for a moment about continuing to work for this insane Americano and finally said, "Okay. I be here tomorrow. I can rake out the dead places in the lawn and spread some seed."

"Seed? Oh my God, Yes."

As Eduardo packed up his tools and drove off down the street, Wilma sat staring at her garden dreaming of Flowering Cherry Trees and Hydrangeas in full bloom backed with green shrubs and...

"Oh my God... I'm Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuminggggggggggg Again!"

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