All Comments on 'How I Saved My Marriage'

Good story idea, but a little stiff with the dialog and the narration. You definitely need an editor.

I think that this could have been spectacular as a 2 or 3 pager with some imagination and strong editing help. Maybe even as a noir piece. It really strikes as a concept draft and not as a finished product.

Keep plugging along, don’t be afraid to reach out for style and editing help.

~Enkidu

Kinda cute. Old-timers will love the recall of Mary Tyler Moore. Just suspend your disbelief about the blood evidence after two headshots that an amateur forensics examiner would have spotted.

If he lets anyone into a room with his boss without patting that person down first -- especially the husband of a woman his boss is putting the moves on. 1*

Maybe as the restaurant manager he can start poisoning any customers who leave too small of a tip.

If you're going to have what appear to be unneeded details. have them make sense. They got married after he "finished" college. If he went to college then we can safely assume he graduated from high school. He works as a hotel desk agent, but he "labors" in the hotel restaurant? She didn't go to college? So she's a high school graduate. Period.

/

I haven't read far enough to know if the physical descriptions are useful.

/

I have to mention, "I have a very bad temper." - No need for the quotes.

very choppy sentences so hard to get into the story.

Above average IQ yet he runs the front desk of a hotel? No offense to those folks who have that job but it struck me as odd he didn't take a different and higher paid career path.

His wife who tells him everything and consults with him admits to going to his room several times and even having drinks after he warned her to stay clear? Husband doesn't "reprimand" her for that telling her she could be drugged? Also, when she says he is a gentleman and not afraid he doesn't say that is the predators trick working?

The wife admits that to save them she would have sex with the guy? All along they could easily disappear and move away yet to save a waitress job she would commit adultery. At that point I would have a different view of my wife and explain it to her just like that - commit adultery to save a waitress job? She is an idiot. The guy won't kill you just because you say no to sex. He already threatened to have them never work again using his contacts. Didn't say murder.

And for such a powerful mafia boss this guy can shoot him and a body guard and get away with it?

You really need an editor. The idea was good, the end product was not. I had a hard time even giving this a 2.

Kind of fun, murderous outline.

The framework for a solid story is here.

If you could keep your plot ideas and framework while growing your ability to express emotions and a couple of other intricacies, you would be a top notch story teller.

Interesting story but I found it hard to read and follow in parts of it. Would have been a much better read if you would have developed the characters more and got much more emotion from them.

As was noted below, silencers (actually supressors) only work on automatics, not revolvers. And unlike in Hollywood, they don't reduce the sound all that much really - just makes it harder to determine where the sound is coming from.

3/5

There probably is a half decent story somewhere in there, but...

Learn to use speech marks and then learn to write dialogue.

Learn to build characters better and as the story needs and the length warrants. You don't need 1/2 a page of physical attributes and how you met followed by your life history in a 1 page story.

Find where you want to sit on realism, mob boss 1 bodyguard? Is it Saddletramp or is it closer to reality, but stick with it through the story and watch internal logic.

The story was just fine for one of the first few by this author. It entertains me to read the negative comments by the anon morons. i you are so smart - put it out there and write something. You can''t so you won't.

Reads like a list, not conversational, seems robotic,

But you do need a good editor because English is not your native tongue. Also, you need a couple proof readers to catch the glaring mistakes of the gun, silencer, and body positioning. 4 stars! Keep on writing.

This is an unusual story. The plot is outstanding...creative, free of the usual LW cliches, and basically believable. The problems are the prose, which is wooden, and the need to fill out the action and characters more.

There are a number of writers here who craft fluent prose, but it's typically used to cover up what are essentially very poor plots and weaknesses in character development. This story great plot and character development potential. Keep at it. Creativity is harder to come by than learning to make prose flow well.

Creative and we'll told in a short space.

Tense and use of quotes when not needed was seriously distracting.

Mary replied that, "She will

Joe, "I have... " then multiple paragraphs broken but the same person is speaking. This is followed with the last switching from first person comments and third person views.

Could have been a better story without all the distractions.

Not a bad story

3/5

Interesting concept for a story.

First issue is the need for an editor as the story has potential but needs polishing.

The second item is this story has “legs”. It has the potential to be much more than the short piece it turned out to be.

Interesting, unique plot for this genre. That said, you need to work on your narrative. Try varying sentence length and the flow from one paragraph to the other. This story was "choppy" at times. I agree with other comments, this solid plot needed more depth, so another 2-3 pages would have allowed your story to "breathe" rather than the single page you chose. 3*

Something new! Thanks very good story. No wimps in this one.

But robotically told.

Much above average IQ...but working as a hotel desk clerk.

Two years of college. But married after graduating college.

New owner wanted all employees to stay. But he was going to replace many with family members.

Guy is a hotel desk clerk. Wife cooks at home. But he’s also an accomplished restaurant cook?

So when their marriage is is danger from womanizing mafia type, this desk clerk and waitress don’t/won’t leave and find another place to work in their low paying jobs?

OK...kinda liked how he took care of his abusive father....but suckering the mafia guys?

Overall....huge plot inconsistencies; elicited zero caring for characters; and not good writing.

2**

No such thing as a silencer but suppressor yes. Any gun can be suppressed despite previous comments. Good read though.

I couldn't read this because of the sentence structure, one short sentence after another.

Add to the pace. Many high IQ men have jobs beneath them. Often because their bosses feel insecure. The important parts are the foreknowledge, a wife communicating, and a husband not allowing a bastard to.succeed.

I didn't read this story to parse the construction or grammar. I read it to be entertained in it's category and then decided if it did that for me. Yes, it did. Will the writer improve with experience? I hope so. I have experience with some of the "personality quirks" used in the construction of the characters. I recognized them and could envision the scenario. Worked for me!

Tomas!

Different from the usual stories on here.....I enjoyed it. Thanks for writing, look forward to reading more of your work.

Two examples, enclosing narrative in quotation marks and writing first person dialogue in third person.

Get an editor to help you. Story was decent.

Righteous kill! This is a great burn the bastard story.

HKL BTB fan and RAAC in certain circumstance

I gave it a 5* due to the meaning of the story - a man must do what a man must do. And he did it all right never tell anyone - the best secret is the one NEVER ever told to anyone, even your wife.

/

But the actual writing was jerky and narrating, no emotional quality.

/

Hooyah, Salute. the story...

How do you arrange two dead bodies to make it look like they were kissing? It would have been funny if he could have killed them with the body guard's dick up Pete's ass.

Thanks for the effort.

Has possibilities, but needs an editor (i.e. closure is spelled as such, not "closer").

Smokepole

Run on sentences, last to see boss and he is still alive.poor writing

the robotic comment yes, one sided hearsay story. dont disrespect ur stories by not giving it an edit read. that would have cleared up a lot of the errors that were there. plot was good execution not so much

Where is the ‘Loving Wife?’ The closest I can see is pretty far away from adventurous. That is when Sweetie, after the double murder, told Hubby she woulda fucked The Mobster (presumably without telling Hubby) to keep everyone alive. Which raises the specter that she may have ... starting the first time she was pressured into serving him.

3* but coulda been better placed in NonErotic.

Thanks for sharing.

Hey, the pricks were rapists. Intimidation and threats are weapons.

Story has an old west vibe. Fuck with the bull, you get the horn.

If I were on a jury for this double murder, hubby would walk.

Good idea for a story, I'm glad they survived unscathed.

You do need to work on your writing to make it flow more smoothly. Short, choppy sentences are great for making a dramatic point, but used too much and the story sounds robotic. Also a paragraph should have at least three sentences in it, otherwise it feels too short.

“She will do whatever I ask to avoid him.”

If it’s in quotes, it’s what the person actually said. No one refers to themselves as she. It would be: Mary replied, “I will do whatever you say to avoid him.”

I loved it. I hate when a guy wants his wife and does nothing.

Re: Silencers/suppressors - Not being even layman knowledgeable on guns, I asked Google about this. First, as a GENERAL rule you can't use a suppressor on a revolver, as the gasses escaping at the chamber end aren't silenced by the silencer at the muzzle end. As with all general rules, there ARE exceptions, such as revolvers designed to close the gap at the chamber end, and special ammo and such. But the general rule still applies: You can't simply screw a suppressor onto any normal revolver and get a silenced weapon.

fiction

This story is a work of fiction. So it doesn't matter if the revolver is suppressed or even can be.

Good job!

I really like a man of action. Please keep 'em stories coming.

sbrooks103x

"Re: Silencers/suppressors - Not being even layman knowledgeable on guns"....Why would you comment on something you know little about? Anyone can google if interested.

Sorry to burst your bubble. But the SILENCER was invented by Hiram Maxim and patented in 1921 as a Silencer For Guns in the patent application. Others who often speak of them refer to suppressors, cans, and even mufflers back in the day. So while it might not be popular in this era, they are properly called a silencer by the inventor.

Short and sweet and to the point. I loved it.

I have often heard that silencers do not work on revolvers due to escaping gasses. However, I am aware that tunnel rats in Viet Nam used revolvers with silencers. Also, the gap between the cylinder and forcing cone is minuscule. In case you were wondering, I am a gunsmith, but have never been around silencers.

Oh, yeah. Good original story.

Perfect solution. Quick and decisive. 5*

This is a fine story. There was a lot of story in this short tale. Well done. It ranks right up their with "The Price". Thank-you

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Pasqual

I am sorry. In my last post I mentioned another story, "The Price". I erred, I meant "The List". Did not like "The Price", But the List was good.

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Pasqual

Only a few MEN will recognize that the protagonist did the right thing, even the moral thing, by killing Pete.

In fact such a quick death should be considered an act of mercy for the likes of him. Being a man sometimes mean defending what's yours. Just because we have electricity now doesn't mean its not a jungle out there anymore. Pete deserved to die, in fact he worked hard to deserve his fate. And Joe is a hero, yes for killing a man ( barely a man really)

he did the right thing but a silencer would not cover the sound as well as one would think unless there was a noisy bar or something good read though

someone has to pay the piper for all transactions. TK U MLJ LV NV

Well done that husband. Protected his wife and killed a scumbag well done.

A very dull read.

Loved the storyline, mafia boss threatens Joe's marriage and after that Joe takes action and eliminates the threat. As they say, you got to do what you got to do to protect your family and that is what Joe a protective husband did. End of story. Gets my 5-star vote.

According to Mafia rules of honor, YOU DON'T FUCK ANOTHER MAN'S WIFE, MADE OR NOT! The world is full of juice, you don't sip from another man's cup.

Great Story!! loved it!

Getting one over a Mafia Boss is a great feat especially if it’s done for love! Like the story because the good guy wins! Full Marks!

so she would have gone to bed with Pete? After all her husband said and what they discussed? I would not kill for her. Sorry.

Not really

As another comment

She would have went to bed with him having a drink with him! Hell no

Sends wrong message

Cut off privates and stuff them

Use your imagination

The story is ok, but your writing is stiff. Try to relax your dialogue.

When writing just go with the flow basically as another reader said just relax so your stories don't come across reading stiff over thinking when trying to write makes for a horrible story when it comes to reading it can ruin a story with a plot line which this story did have but the stiffness of the writing hurt the plot and the story line there was no fluent flow to it would have been a really good story if not for that its a simple fix for your next story just relax and go with the flow don't overthink it

I do have to agree with some of the other comments though when she said she would have gone to bed with him to supposedly protect her husband is a marriage breaker if she was so scared of this pete guy why didn't she go straight to her husband the fact that she didn't tells me she wasn't that scared of him and the fact she chose to have drinks with him alone in his room also says a lot nature of it she wasn't worth keeping around much less killing for while if the dialogue was fluent and not stiff would have been good story it wouldn't have been my cup of tea if you are going to write a lw story either write it with the way norm is with the wife being a cheating slut or write it about a actual loving wife not a wife like the 1 in this story if she was truly a loving wife she would have went to her husband right away if she was supposedly scared and she would have never have went to his room alone and had drinks with him and she would have never even considered going to bed with him for any reason she wasn't a loving wife but not quite a cheating slut

I really enjoyed this, but would rather his wife had been taken before the murder.

Sort of a tepid flow to the story. Liked just the same.

An okay story overall, but I respect the protagonist and the actions he took to save his marriage. And his wife didn't seem like some high school freshman swooning over the QB either. She may have been written as a simple naive woman, but she seemed to genuinely love her husband and was as worries about their marriage as he was.

Google is your friend. Google .38 with a silencer.

Closure not closer.

A bit Joe Friday but a good story.

Not awful. Four stars.

JPB