How My Mother Met You

When she stepped out again, he realized why it had taken her so long. She was wearing the most amazing set of lingerie. Gartered stockings up-to her thighs, crotchless panties and a corset that pressed her waist and lifted her boobs, all in red with a black fur in key areas. Her body naked was already fantastic, but this screamed 'let's have some fun.'

"Oh, wow" he said. "Err, I'm not sure I'm going to be ready..."

"It's okay," she laughed interrupting him, "I'm not expecting anything just yet. I will want one more round before we go to bed, and this is a devil to put on, so I thought I'd do it now, rather than kill the mood when you start to get frisky later. I don't want to have to leave for half-an-hour just at the critical point. It's actually quite comfortable if you release the waist ties a little bit." She gave him a twirl and a bend, which included nearly completely exposed buttocks. "So what do you think?"

"It's amazing," said Paul.

"Oh, your mum said you'd like it," Lisa said and then her hand shot to her mouth as she realized that she probably shouldn't have said it.

"My mum?" Paul said with a look that hovered between confusion and disgust.

"Oh, it's nothing," Lisa said, suddenly in full down playing mode. "You know she got a job in Anne Summers." Paul didn't. He'd lost track as his mother tended to hop retail jobs at that critical junction where managers were sick of her shit but were still willing to give a good reference to get rid of her. His mother working in a lingerie and 'novelty' goods shop made a kind of twisted sense, though heaven help the poor husband who wandered in on his own. Lisa continued, "Well, she gets an employee discount, so she knew I was looking for some sexy clothes to spice things up, and she invited me down to try some things on."

She'd thought she'd talked her way out of it, but had failed to notice the fatal flaw in her argument. "So, wait," said Paul, "How did she know you were looking for some sexy clothes exactly?"

Lisa gulped, "Well, I mean I told her. Only in passing. I mean we were having a general conversation and it just came up."

I bet it did thought Paul. Ever since his father left it seemed like his mother had a permanently dirty mind. Perhaps he wouldn't have minded the queue outside her bedroom so much if she'd been able to be a little discreet about it, but no, not only did she need to talk about her sex life constantly, she also thought that her post-divorce experience made her the expert on everyone else's. His father had left them just after Marcy's eighteenth birthday when he'd been twenty. His mother had put it down to his unfaithfulness. His father had never really talked about it. He said he'd tell Paul the full story if he came to visit him in Mexico, but Paul had never had the time, the money and the inclination all at the same time and they'd essentially lost contact at this point. For the past few years, his mother had continued to fuck as if making up for her lost twenties and thirties.

"And she saw you in this?" he asked, rather foolishly as he both didn't want to know and already knew the answer.

"Hey, this thing is pretty difficult to put on. I needed one someone to help show me where everything went and she's got her own..." This conversation was a minefield which Lisa was traversing with all the skills and agility of Wile-E-Coyote. She just didn't get it, apparently.

Paul closed his eyes. "So, my mother has exactly the same set of sexy undies that she wears for Roy. And you decided to tell me and still expect me to be able to get an erection later tonight. No, I'll never be able to look at an Anne Summers catalogue again now. I'm surprised she didn't buy you a vibrator as well."

Lisa's eyes moved just fractionally. It was enough.

"Wait, don't tell me...", cried out Paul in anguish.

"Hey, employee discount! And they had a whole bunch of these Romantic Rabbits that just weren't shifting...Look, she said it was in her best interest. We're apart five nights of the week and she didn't want any frustrations leading me astray. Not that they would of course, darling. She's really just trying to look after you." Lisa was in full damage control mode now.

If they had a whole bunch at the store, that meant that his girlfriend and his mother would be using the same brand of...Paul stopped, down that chain of thought lie madness.

"Okay," he said, deciding to bring the topic to a close and try to restore normalcy. "It's very nice. Thank you for getting it." He sounded like a little boy that got a satsuma in his Christmas stocking rather than a Transformer.

Lisa seemed relieved, but then the conversation got worse. "Oh," she said. "Talking of your mum, I've moved most of the stuff already, but could you help take the TV and that old desktop computer over before you go tomorrow."

Paul was confused as it sounded like there was vital information which had been missed. "Over? Over where?"

Now it was Lisa's turn to be confused. "Over to your house. Wait, didn't your mum talk to you about this?"

Pauls expression told clearly that she hadn't. Lisa continued, "I'm moving into your room. The contracts up here and the landlord wanted to put the rent up. And what with Becky moving out, it doesn't make much sense any of us staying. So your mum said I could have your old room, just for the next few months while I finish the course. I said I'd agree only if she let me chip in some rent, but even so, it's way below the market rate. Everybody wins."

His mum had been talking about renting out his room since he graduated from his bachelors' degree. She never had, probably because having a paying guest would put paid to many of her 'freedoms'.

Lisa looked at his face again. She felt the need to say, "It's a good thing, right?"

"I guess," said Paul without much conviction. He could see that Rabbitgate was only going to be the start.

"Don't worry, I won't make your room all girly. Well, not too much. And I won't look at your porn collection under the bed," she said playfully.

"I don't have a porn collection under the bed," Paul said, truthfully.

"Sure you do," said Lisa. "Dirty Black Housewives, Forty and Fucking, Large and Luscious. Ring any bells?"

Paul had never seen any of the above titles and was quite glad to have missed them. "Honesty, no. I mean who ever heard of a millennial actually buying a porn magazine anyway. Like a physical copy of porn. That's something that your dad would have when he was growing up."

They both reached the same conclusion around the same time, but Lisa was the first one to say it, "Or Roy. Thank God actually, I was quite worried that you had a fetish that we'd have to wait another twenty years and another twenty stone for me to be able to satisfy. Well that's a relief, although frankly you are really not going to enjoy this week's video selection."

"Hadn't looked at my porn collection, hey," he pulled her close. "Even for you, that was disgustingly dishonest. You were straight in there." He suddenly stopped. He didn't like thinking about her looking at the same pornography as Roy. The same actual magazine he must have wanked over. It occurred to him, not for the first time, that now that she was living in his mother's house that she'd be able to hear the two of them fuck. He tried not to stay overnight these days even if it meant skipping out on alcohol at a meal (which he often needed in his mother's company) and driving five hours back at night, but the noise was a common cause of complaint from Marcy.

"Want to go another round?" Lisa asked, utilizing the strategy of women everywhere who want to distract their man from further thought.

"Sure," he said. "Only do me a favour. Take my mum's knickers off first."

3.

It was around four o'clock when Paul and Marcy got back to the car. They'd finished at the Grimsby shops and grabbed a couple of take-away cups of coffee from Starbucks. He didn't spend much time with his sister these days and most of that was in the presence of their mother, who tended to dominate the conversation. Today had been a good chance to catch-up and reconnect. They argued a lot growing up, but it was mostly just playful. They'd gotten on alright over the years. They didn't have a lot of shared interests anymore, but Marcy had jumped, as most women would, at the prospect of helping him choose an engagement ring. He had a ring from his grandmother that she'd left him in her will 'for when the day came', but he was saving it as the actual wedding ring. Marcy been strangely muted throughout the day. Her suggestions had been helpful, he guessed, and they'd found a nice ring, but her mind seemed to be elsewhere.

As they got in and did up their seatbelts, Paul asked, "Is everything alright? Relationship issues? You've seemed a bit, well, I don't know, off today."

Marcy hesitated for a moment, taking a sip of her coffee as she did so. "You think Lisa's really the one, eh? You're certain of it? It's not just because she's hot."

Paul nodded. "Yes, sure. She's great. I mean, I'm in proper love for the first time ever. The sex is amazing. She looks after me, emotionally and physically, but I feel happy when we're together. I can't image meeting anyone better than her, so, yes, she's pretty clearly the one."

Marcy prodded more deeply. "So, you're not just getting married because she's pregnant?"

"No," said Paul emphatically. "No, the pregnancy was a surprise. An accident, you know, but seems like it's a good accident. I mean she originally was just going to get rid of it, she might not have even told me, but when she did tell me, it felt right you know. I was so excited about us being together permanently. It made me thing we should, you know, declare our love straight-away, not spend a decade of will-they-won't-they dating like most modern couples."

"And hence an engagement ring and two tickets for a weekend on the Italian coast. Does she know she's going?"

"Not yet," Paul said. "She's thinks we're going to Birmingham to see a show then back to Oxford for apartment hunting. Mum knows where she keeps her passport, so we'll sneak that out and then just as we get to the Arena, I'll pull off towards the airport."

"A cunning plan," said Marcy, but she still seemed to be unhappy about something. They hadn't driven off yet.

"I don't know if I should tell you this. You're not going to like it, but I suppose I'd better." Marcy seemed to have reached a decision. "Before, I do, I've got a question to ask, which might seem like it's a bit intrusive, but you'll understand why later."

"Ok," said Paul, not at all sure where this was going.

"Has Lisa's blowjob technique changed at all during the past few weeks?"

Paul nearly spat his coffee all over the dashboard, then he nearly choked trying to keep it in and ended up in a coughing-fit. It took him a good twenty seconds to recover.

Unfortunately, he knew exactly what Lisa meant. Oral had been a featured 'area of improvement' for them for weeks and his porn thumb drive had contained nothing but deep-throating, face fucking and facials for two weeks straight. He'd thought nothing of it. Prior to that it had been cunnilingus and she'd even had him eating his own cum from her pussy after they made love these days. He'd assumed that everything was just part of her ordinary freakiness. This couldn't be going anywhere good.

"Yes," he said cautiously.

She pulled her handbag off the backseat and pulled out a tablet. "Okay, I won't ask for more details, but bear that in mind while you watch this. And tell your therapist that I'm only doing this because I love you."

She pulled up the video player and selected a video. It was pornography. The still image showed a close of a man's crotch, his penis flaccid.

"If this is about how babies are made, you're about a trimester too late," said Paul, trying to use humour to ward off the sinking feeling in his stomach.

"No, shut up and watch," said Marcy starting the video. The porn was cheaply made: badly lit, with a mobile phone's aspect ratio, probably filmed in someone's bedroom though it was impossible to make out any individual features of the room. The first few seconds of the video were just getting the camera into position and the man moving to stand in the right place. Then a woman's head appeared in the shot level with the penis.

On the one hand, Paul was immensely relived. It wasn't Lisa, as he'd become almost certain it would be.

On the other hand, he was horrified. It was his mother.

She looked into the camera and said, "This is a special video I'm making for my soon-to-be daughter-in-law. Lisa has been asking how to deep-throat a dick properly, so I'm going to give everyone some tips..."

4.

They sat on the bench on the Cleethorpes sea-front, a little way down from the pier. The neighbouring resort town was a good quiet place to come, especially because it was off-season and nearly empty, though it was cold and windy. Lisa had complained several times and wanted to go and sit in the car or a fish-and-chip shop, but Paul refused. Sitting side by side in a car would force them to be close together. He needed to have this conversation in open space, to be able to distance himself from her slightly if needed without having to storm off. He also most definitely didn't want to sit indoors when anyone else might be around to overhear.

They'd sat in the car in silence. He hadn't told her why he was suddenly angry. Normally, she was the one in control of the relationship, but he'd played the Neanderthal and when he'd told her to get in the car right now, his voice had been so forceful that she'd obeyed. She'd tried to ask what the matter was once in the car, but he'd immediately shut her down. They'd talk in the right place.

They sat in silence on the bench for a minute. Finally, Paul said, "Anything you want to tell me?"

Lisa did seem to be genuinely confused. "About what?" she asked.

"About my mother, for example?" He said.

Lisa started to cry. Paul didn't say anything or move to comfort her. He let her cry herself out for a couple of minutes.

"We didn't really do anything," she said. "It was just some fun...I mean we stopped when we heard Marcy come back. We didn't think she'd noticed."

Paul confused said, "What are you talking about?"

Lisa, now equally confused, also said, "Wait, what are you talking about?"

Paul pulled out his phone and started the fellatio instruction video.

"Oh, that," said Lisa, but she was too scared and tearful to laugh. "Your mum made that for a joke. She's got this website you know. Well, you probably don't know. I just mentioned that we were experimenting in that area, so she and Roy..."

Paul looked at her. "You know that's not normal, right. I mean, that's seriously fucked up. Shoving it down your throat so your son's girlfriend can pick up pointers." He didn't usually swear at her, not out of the bedroom, and she stopped talking. They sat in silence again for another thirty seconds.

"I didn't tell you because I knew this is how you'd react. The truth is your mum and I talk about this kind of stuff a lot. It's like a hobby for her. She just thinks I'm good for you and is worried that I'm not going to hold onto you."

Paul softened for a second. "Why would you...why would she think that?"

"Oh, you know, you with your fancy education and world-changing patents. Me with my degree in Sports Therapy, probably third class and my budding waitress career. She's worried that you'll do the maths and break it off for someone more your level. One of your Oxford socialites. She has a point. So we've been talking about ways to keep you interested. Mind-blowing sex has been at the top of the agenda."

That made a certain kind of sense although no woman in Oxford had ever paid that much attention to him, even when he'd consciously tried to lose his accent and his working class mannerisms and pretend to be a public school twat. It also explained why Lisa had started cooking each weekend in his apartment and giving him back-massages. His mind briefly wandered to her accidental pregnancy, but he pulled it back forcefully.

"That's..." he started, "Look, you don't need to worry. I love you. You're perfect for me. The sex is great, the enthusiasm sure, but I like you as a person. We're good together and you make me happy. I'm not worried about your career or education. If you want to stay home and take care of our child, then I'm sure you'd be a wonderful mother. If everything works out as it should, I'll have enough money to take care of us. And if there's something you want to do in your life, a job or a passion or something, I can support that as well."

He raised his arm to put it round her and then paused. Maybe he should just drop it, but there was a thread he still needed to pull at.

"So, what was the other thing?" he asked.

"What?" said Lisa, all innocent.

"The other thing. You know. The thing you thought Marcy hadn't noticed. What was that?" he asked.

"Oh right, yes, well that was kind of connected as well. Your mum and I were watching porn together in the living room, just trying to get some more ideas for things to try. We thought Marcy was going to be out all night with her new boyfriend, but they had an argument and she came back early. We had to rush to turn it off and pretend to be watching the news."

Paul didn't like the thought of the two of them settling down to plan out his sex life over a blue movie, but the story didn't fully convince him. The living room was a good way down the hall, and as well as the front door there was also a porch door and getting inside the house required three different keys. His mother had taken stringent precautions after a spate of burglaries more than a decade ago and usually left the door on the chain if they were in anyway. There would have been little panic if they'd just needed to turn the television over.

"Let me guess. You were masturbating, weren't you. Together." He said with certainty.

"Not at first. But we had a few glasses of wine and we're were getting relaxed." Lisa was embarrassed, but she wasn't crying anymore. She was defensive and careful. There was still more to this.

"And that's what Marcy will say if I ask her. Just that?" he asked. In truth, Marcy probably hadn't seen anything. If she had, she would have mentioned it to him in their carpark talk earlier. Lisa clearly didn't know enough about what Marcy had and hadn't seen though so he pressed the advantage.

"Don't make me say anymore," she pleaded.

"I just want you to be honest. If I ask Marcy and you've left anything else out, that's it we're over. Roy wasn't there was he?"

He could see immediately in her eyes that he'd guessed wrong for once.

"No," she said. "What it was, was I that I was planning a threesome for you."

Paul raised his eyebrows. They'd been pretty clear about exclusivity. "Go on."

"You know May who works in the restaurant, well she just split up with her girlfriend and I thought maybe she and I could put on a show for you. Only I've never really been with another woman. Your mum thought it was a great idea, so we'd decided to do some research, you know. We were just watching some lesbian movies and she got to talking about how she'd experimented a bit in her younger days. Did she tell you she had a secret girlfriend for a year before she met your dad? No, well it doesn't matter."

Lisa paused for a second, thinking about how to phrase the next part. Paul finished the story for her. "Did you fuck my mother?"

Lisa paused, "No, no, it was just, suddenly she was there and she was touching me there and she, just, spread it apart to look and put her tongue on my clit and, I'd been playing with the Rabbit for a while, so I just kind of came without really meaning to. It was just this weird spontaneous thing, but then she had all this juice on her face and then we heard Marcy..."