How NOT to Fuck - A Primer

How NOT To Fuck

or

A primer on depicting coitus

Okay, I don't care how you do it with your erotic partner as long as you both are enjoying it. But this isn't a counseling session on how to make love (though if you are paying attention you might recharge your bedroom playground.) But sexy stories aren't just about scenarios or kinks you haven't tried. I confess, on the Literotica list of story categories there are stories I don't care about because they just ain't my thing, though I have played with fetishes and kinks in print that would never appear in my bedroom. My quibble is with being a lazy lover in print.

Why are you here? You want to read about people having sex, right? But do you want descriptions of what happens in the bedrooms of the average Joes and Jills out there? Think about it: most penis in vagina sex takes about six minutes. There are lots of bored, tired couples of all persuasions. Lots of youth who have barely touched their own erotic zones much less those of another human. A lot of us are chronologically old.

There are lots of people who are pure vanilla in bed and jasmine and jalapeño salsa in their minds. There are readers who are Lotharios and Jezebels above the chin only. This is where you get to have an out-of-body experience involving the hottest romping you have ever dreamed. So this playground is for mentally living out fantasies. And a lot of you want to write this stuff. But given how long the reading list is, about everything has been writ.

So. What are you going to do?

Readers want something new. But not just, "And now Molly does a police officer."

You get to tell your story. So that means you are cheating yourself and us if you just trot out old clichés. Unless.

If jumping right to "He slammed his hot cock into her steaming cunt" gets you right off then it probably does for others, too. Mostly young men who were 99% there already and so new to porn that the 'f' word spoken in their minds generates instant stiffies.

I wince when I hear a man call a woman 'babe' or 'baby'. She isn't your kid. If you are having sex with her, she is a grownup, or pretending to be. She has a name. Of course, in the evolution of your relationship, you may have found some sweet and slightly icky nickname like 'Puddles' or 'Wuzzy' or 'Clyde' and, hey, if that turns her to butter, so be it. Same goes for gals, except sometimes 'Babe' is kind of hot when applied to a guy, and OH, BABY! at the right moment is a scorcher. So, yeah, applied to men, maybe okay.

But we're talking about writing here, more than just doing.

So, First Rule is; Put down the yardstick and the measuring tape. "Hon, can you tell me your bra size before we make love? No? Well, wrap this around your boobs and give me a reading, thanks. Thirty-eight? Got it. Your turn. Let's measure from where my dick hits my pubes to the end of my fluffy foreskin. Four and 3/16 inches? That can't be right. Let's start at my taint and stretch up from there. Ah, seven and 7/8. Much better."

So you've got this thing called an imagination. Otherwise you wouldn't be writing stories (or reading stories, for that matter.) So use it to imagine having sex with a particular person with their own unique body. What is interesting about her breasts? Do they tilt up a little at the nipples? Do they spread out when she lies down? Are her nipples long or puffy or fat; pink, rosy, brown or mahogany? Is her ass pear-shaped or a 'high onion'? Is he lean with strange scars? Shoulders like a fullback? Taller than Lew Alcindor? Does his dick curl up or down? Thick and red or twisted and brown? Spend time letting us see face, hands, tentacles. What does the lover love about the hair at the back of her neck? How does she appreciate his treasure trail?

Second rule: Sex is more than fucking. Unless they are so charged up by the time they get to the room, or the haystack, or the airplane wing, so that it's just lock and load and over in a heartbeat, wait a while for the "He slammed his monster rod into her steaming twat." Imagine two real people, or a real person and a tentacled werewolf, but give them some time to do other stuff to other parts of the body before you go for the two-stroke piston. Tease your participants and your readers. His new mustache on her virgin nipples. Her hairy maw on his left buttock. Tickle. Breathe. Lick. And talk.

Third Rule: Talk. Oh yes, that. Humans can communicate with words. Don't have to be Shakespeare or Sappho. But they can say more than, "Hey baby, can I slam my twelve inch johnson into your steaming twat?" Maybe you wish you dared say that to a real woman but would never try it 'f'real and that's why it's hot. But why not imagine how you might get the hottest woman in the world into a situation where she would bed you? And gals, suppose you could say just the right thing to get Mr. or Ms. Magic all misty-eyed. Let 'em talk to each other; feel each other out before they feel each other up. Check out stories by Sara2000Z. She really has dialogue down. Caution: Really choose your excitement and orgasm words carefully. "Aaaarrrgggghhh!" or "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" somehow pops us right out of the story.

Fourth Rule: For pity's sake, mix it up. Missionary and doggy get boring. I just discovered a website with ninety sex positions. Just search "sex positions" and you'll get more sites than you can shake a dick at. And he doesn't have to be in her ass to be doing something exciting and different. He doesn't have to tie her up. She doesn't have to peg him. They can actually like each other.

Fifth Rule: Location, location, location. Do more than just get your characters' clothes off. Mommy and sonny, Master and maid, Heathcliff and Cathy, Madonna and Lady Gaga, it isn't enough to put your characters on the roof, or on the moon but then have the sex be nothing but the "old in-out". Take your lovers to a new location: out in a rowboat, into a cave, in a tent on Everest. Let us see the location and the props. How does it feel to climax in a sling on the face of El Capitan at midnight? What is the texture and sensation of the jute ropes stretching tight across her puffy aureola?

Sixth Rule: Don't skimp on the orgasm. It's the culmination of the scene or the story. You want to get your reader off too, if possible. So ask yourself, 'What would do it for me?' You are cheating us with "He came and came as the hot jizz poured into her steaming twat." Unless your story has built a serious image of your lovers in the reader's mind and groin, a description like that one is like, "Slide the paper into the service drawer and press the 'copy' button." Oldest rule, 'show, don't tell.' Imagine your primary character's point of view and experience. "Suddenly her hips locked to his own and he knew he could drop into her to the deepest root. But he waited for her. He felt her fire lifting, lifting. Her mouth and eyes were wide as though to devour the moonlight.... 'I need ... I need,' she gasped...."

Seventh Rule: Get out the damned Thesaurus. And never, ever use the word 'precum.' For Thor's sake, you can find some way to say he is excited and ready to go. You can conjure up her excitement with some other word than 'dripping'. If you want your story to appeal to women and a large swathe of men, go easy on the words 'pussy' and 'cunt' unless you think your female character is the kind who would use those terms, or your male or lesbian character wants to be raw and vulgar because that's who they are, or talking dirty is a turn on you are deliberately using for the story.

Eighth Rule: It's exciting to keep it clean. Speaking of 'dirty'. Believe it or not, sex does not have to be bad to be good. Of course, if what excites you, the writer, is taking sex to the grubby side or into the dark realm, that's your kink. But it is not the default. And I don't mean just go for boring sweet mommy-daddy six minute sex. Here's a simple challenge: Twenty-five year married couple. Someone sends her an anonymous gift of a sex toy. (Do your research. Name your flavor.) How does she find out who sent it? How does it change sex with her long-time partner? Is there a new partner? What does she and/or the partner find out about her body?

Ninth Rule: Don't get stuck in his POV. Maybe you are a straight male writer and that experience is what you know. But, doh, if you want to be a better lover yourself, really pay attention to what your partner is experiencing.

• For women it can be all about the foreplay, and the foreplay can start with someone noticing their smile when they wake up in the morning.

• Not having sex all day when she wants to can be a huge turn on.

• Compliments and gentle kisses.

• Really seeing her body and appreciating all of it as it is. (Aside: Don't paint all women as hot babes. Let us see different body types. Same with guys.)

• Paying attention to everything but her wubbly bits can build a slow raging fire.

• Mouth and hands can put her on a climactic plateau that she wants to stay on as long as possible.

• Her magic button is really the only way most women get off, but many get deep satisfaction from all the varieties of being filled. (Do your research. How many variations are there between the long slow slide and the roaring short strokes?) How does she feel to have a great mostly out-of-control beast charging into her? How does she experience that last great surge and the sensation of hot liquid pouring inside?

• What are the emotions of coming down off that peak? Is the post-fuck time sleepy, or talky, or tender, or cold?

Insight: Telling stories is like reporting what you see looking over your neighbor's fence. The neighbors aren't doing anything so very different from you, but they are ... somebody else. Different body types; different way they approach each other; different positions that ring their chimes; different locations that flip on their barbecues. Some mysteries about their pasts. And how do their stories make you think about what stories you like?

Tenth Rule: Pay attention to how your characters are feeling. Spend some time on that. Trust me, it will make your story, and the sex, more hot. Think about it; how does your character feel as they are about to get it or give it? Are they scared? Angry? Pooped? Drunk? Curious? Impatient? Cruel? Forgiving? Ah, you see, that in order to include one of these emotions on top of the horniness you need to tell a story, get inside the head of your characters and not just with dicks or tentacles. Dare to make your strong guy scared or your shy gal fierce.

Bonus rule: We often write erotica, or fantasy, or super hero stuff to imagine someone bolder and better than ourselves. But dare to put your own worries and insecurities into your character and when they get that great hook up or release your readers will really be right with you and as grateful as that perfect lover you imagine.