How We Fly to America

My apologies to A Night at the Opera.

Chico: So now I tell you how we fly to America.

Translation: So now I tell you how we write porn in America.

Chico: First time we start we getta half way and we run outa gasoline. And we gotta go back.

Translation: First time we start we get a rich bitch and a rich hunk and put them in a small, dark room together. Plenty of bling bling, expensive hormones, pre-cum and wet undies, but the writer isn't rich, himself, and doesn't know how to make it work. He runs out of money and pre-cum and has to go back. Chico: Then I take twice as much gasoline this time. We just about to land, maybe three feet, we run outa gasoline again and back we go again.

Translation: We try again. This time we take twice as much experience in writing our porn. Which limits us to writing about poor white trash, because that's who we are and all we know about. A woman-in-need calls a plumber to help her with her plumbing. He understands immediately. He crawls under her water boiler and sweats his balls off while she stands above him, drinking beer. With a turn of a stopcock he fixes everything.

-How can I possibly pay you? she asks, I ain't got no money.

-Oh I can think of at least three ways, he says, while getting out from under the water boiler and removing his sweaty clothes.

She eyes his enormous cock, licks her lips and goes to the bathroom to unload the beer she's been drinking. While he waits, impatiently, he jerks off and covers large areas of her basement ceiling, walls and floor with one teaspoon of pre-cum, post-cum and middle-of-the-road cum. She falls asleep on the toilet. No sucky, no fucky. They have to go back again.

Chico: This time I take-a plenty gas. Well, we getta half way over when whatta you thinka happen? We forgotta the aeroplane. So we gotta sit down and talk it over.

Translation: The hunk shows up clutching a bunch of roses as tightly as if they were his own dick. The bitch takes them from him, sniffs them and gets a shot from the strongest aphrodisiac she's ever experienced. She bursts out of her clothes like the Hulk. He, too, bursts out of his clothes.

-Let's fuck! You got any condoms?

-No, do you?

-No. Well, I could fuck you up the ass.

-Auw, no!

-Or you could suck my dick.

-Yikkie!

They forgotta the aeroplane, ran out of options and had to go back.

Chico: Then I getta the great idea! We no take-a gasoline, we no take-a the aeroplane, we take-a steamship! And that, friends, is how we fly across the ocean.

Translation: An alternative porn story. There are at least 144,000 of them. Let's try one of them. Mind you, a good short porn story consists of creating distance between our two fuckables and then bridging that distance to let them fuck.

At the end of the 21st century when roadside and hydrogen bombs were going off like mad, bombs bursting on the ground and in the air, our Romeo and Juliet bumped into each other in a relatively dark bomb shelter.

-What brings you here?

-War. What brings you here?

-Sex.

-Oh, fuck.

-Okay.

-No!

-Why not?

-I'm a virgin.

-Liar! I knew you above ground before you were a virgin.

-Fuck you!

-If that's the only option...

And then they kissed.

Long and hard.

And being end-of-the-world Buddhists, they recited all the nine billion names of God. And while they did that, they assumed all 69 positions of the most recent Kama Sutra.

Including...

Squat: she gets to splat, splat, splat away on his lap. Great for pussy farts.

Face to face: with knees up, nice for folks in a small bathtub.

Standing up: Doggy when they're stuck in a closet.

Scissors: actually two scissors, trying to cut each other apart.

Spider: for folks who would rather stare at the ceiling than do a face to face.

Woman on top: positive discrimination for the weaker sex.

Speed bump: doggy style for dogs that are are already falling asleep.

Edge of heaven: just like Hell. He sits on a chair, just like at work, and she does the rest, just like at home.

Corridor canoodling: For colleagues who don't even have time for their 15 minute break.

Good spread: woman on top for gymnasts who can do the splits and for woodchoppers who can split them in two.

Kneeling fox: Doggy style by another name. Too bad she has to kneel for her meal.

Melody maker: she's upside down, which doesn't mean that all that blood rushing to her head is because he's got his cock up her cunt.

Man Trap: Missionary, while holding on to her missionary with her legs until he admits to having raped little boys.

Hit the spot: Doggy and scissors in an attempt to discover if Ernst Gräfenberg lied about the g-spot.

Magic Bullet: with her legs thrown over his shoulders it's good for a stretch after jogging.

Slippery Nipple: she lays on her back with knees up and he worships at the shrine of her vagina.

Reverse cowgirl: Dudley Do-Right for women.

Tight squeeze: spontaneous sex in the kitchen while she's desperately trying to get food on the table by six thirty.

Lust and thrust: why is it that most of these positions ask women to lay there, take it and maybe enjoy the off-chance orgasm?

Happy Anniversary: Cowgirl, and he's the cow.

Half off the bed: you can say that again.

Carpet burn: once they're off the bed and bored and the floor is all they've got.

Wraparound: He sits and she supplies the saran wrap.

Kneel and sit: Easier if the man has lost his legs in a war. Which reminds us...

And when they were done reciting all the names of God and assuming all the positions of the Kama whatever, the stars started going out, one by one. And that was the end of the universe. With both a bang and a whimper.

-What's past, said Antonio in Shakespeare's Tempest, is past. The rest is just pre-cum.